The Saints Are Coming
by fairytail dreamer
Summary: Bella: Death is peaceful - Easy. Life is harder. Edward is coming back to Forks though he dosent know why, all her knows is something is calling him. Alice knows all, she sees that he is meant for Bella. Can he save her? AH AU Slightly OOC.
1. Prolouge

a/n: No people, your eyes are not deciving you - I am beginign a new story. After a gig and a few too many wines this story began to pour out of me. It will harbout all the angst I do but i do warn that this is an M rated fic - It will be dark but i hope to handle it in the manor that i have done with my other fics. Baby Blues will still continue - do not worry!

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_**The Saints Are Coming**_

**Prologue**

_**2006**_

**BPOV**

"_You're through to Renee, you know what to do. I'll get back to you as soon as I can." _I heard her voice call out from the phone with a small giggle at the end.

She always gives that semi nervous giggle when she feels something is ridiculous or embarrassing. She always giggles like a school girl. It made me question, who was the adult?

She hated making that damn message, but I got her to do it.

I cut off the phone.

I would call her back later.

I would see her soon.

Standing up I looked out to the grey morning of Forks. The wind below and you could see the trees stir, shaking, because if it. The fat drops of rain splattering against my window was the last straw though, I shivered at the sight.

_I hated the wind and rain_

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EPOV

I heaved the last box into my old room.

I was back home. I was back where my life pretty much started. All my memories at least were in this room or from around this house.

I was back in Forks and my life was about to change.

Come Friday I would be moved into my new apartment and come Monday, I would begin my residence at Forks County hospital.

Chicago had been home for my college years, there was a part of me left there all those years ago and the yearning to return continued to eat at me through high school.

I needed to go back, to see if that was where I truly belonged.

I still didn't know if it was, all I knew that there had been some calling for me to return to Forks, for me to leave Chicago, some need to return to the place that I had felt so desperate to escape.

I didn't understand it, it was as if my gut had a change of heart, that years of loathing of the small town, it had somehow reformed its opinion of the place.

_There was a calling _

I didn't know when it began, all I could remember it had been months.

I wasn't right sure if it was when Alice, my sister, had ended up in hospital. Perhaps some thought in my head that if I had been there she would have been safe, she wouldn't have ended up hurt.

Did I hurt her? Did my absence have anything to do with it?

But it was a new start, soon to be a new apartment and a new job.

Positivity wasn't a feeling I carried though, instead I felt a sense of loss.

I didn't understand it, no one had died, no one was gone. I was back with my family. I was back where I felt like I belonged, now.

What was missing and why had there been such a need to come back to Forks?

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**_a/n: Ok - have I confused the crap out you enough?! I'm sorry it doesn't give you much but I kinda wanted this up but it wouldn't sit well with the first chapter._**

**_The story continues on from this spot._**

**_Let me know what you think!! Please review_**.


	2. Opening Day

**a/n: Ok this story is a tiny tad diffirent, I was waiting for a click to come of somthing worth writing and i think i have found it - please give it a chance and let me know what you think.**

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**Opening Day**

**EPOV**

Driving along the quiet road, I let the tyre's speed along the tarmac. The day was wet, grey and generally horrible. It was typical Forks weather. That grey cloud appearing almost constant in the sky.

I had saw not one car since I had turned on to this road, not one. I wasn't surprised though, it was early, too early for anyone to be up and heading to work yet.

I couldn't sleep, waking up early I decided to go out a drive, familiarize myself with the place once again and see if I could get any bearing for the feeling in my gut, telling me to return here.

I still felt loss, that something was missing. It infuriated me that I didn't know what it was either.

The moment I had landed in Seatac I had felt it get stronger and as I drove past the Forks county limits it had intensified. I didn't know why it seemed to haunt me as much as it did, especially when the sense of home swaddled me at the same time.

I called Alice when I pulled up at home. She was in Seattle, She was just about to start university and had been "decorating", if you can even call it that when she simply bossed around three middle age men who were actually decorators. She was just a demanding pixie.

She had grew strong and I was proud of her for it. The wake up call that she had at the end of last year was enough to make her sit down, calm down (a little, at least) and take her life by the reigns.

It had been hard for us all but more so for Alice, I don't know why. I did have some memories, flashes of images really, but that was all. Alice had nothing, and despite me thinking that was the better way, it appeared for Alice, not to be.

But she had a wake up call, a moment of clarity, she saw something, and I don't know what, but it had opened her eyes. It made her grow the fuck up, and quick.

She was a new person, an incredible person, as she always truly had been, despite her short comings.

But I called her, because this feeling of loss surrounded me and I panicked that something was wrong, that Alice had fallen again or something had happened to her. But she was fine and so was the rest of my family.

I pushed it to the side and tried to forget about it. It was only a feeling. It surely had only been brought on worse because I had left my home of the last few years, it would vanish in the next few days, I was sure of it because being back in Forks, I knew it was the right thing to do and despite the feeling of loss I had, I still had this incredible feeling of being home.

I sped along the vacant road, turning a blind corner and in the turn I saw this motorbike, speeding towards me, right up the middle of the road.

I swerved to miss the bike sending my car into the grass at the side of the road, the steering wheel pulling heavy on my hand against the wet roads.

I spun practically in a circle off into the dirt but least I had stopped, safe and unscathed.

I looked out the window in front of me and the figure lay there, there chest to the black wet ground, there small tiny hands palm down by the side of there body.

I panicked and jumped out the car, rushing towards them.

Looking down I was sure it was a girl, she seemed so tiny and fragile and my heart pounded at the sight knowing she surely must be broken, she was far too delicate to come off of a motorbike like that and not be injured.

I called to her as I collapsed down on my knees by her side, her long brown hair cascading all around her, below the edge of her Helmet.

I patted her body carefully, looking for anything, any sign of who she was or if she had some condition, some warning.

I tried to hear for breath but the passing winds made it hard.

A stuttered breath came from the lifeless figure and I knew she was still alive, she was still with us.

She moved, trying to pick herself up off the ground. I placed my hands on her, telling her to take it slow.

She ignored my words and sat up quickly before her head and back seemed to wobble, from dizziness no doubt.

"Easy." I told her gently as I reached for the lock on her helmet.

"I'm fine." she groaned, the voice coming from the helmet.

I helped her take it off, as she bowed her head forward a little before pulling back and wiped the masses of brown hair back from her face.

_She was beautiful_

Not a scrape of make-up on her face and it looked like she had the same rough night sleep as me, but even that couldn't hide her natural beauty.

"How many fingers?" I asked as I held up two.

"Four." she answered back.

_Shit_. She must have bashed her head.

She must of noted the look on my face or something because she tried to reassure me. "Don't worry, I'll be fine."

"You need to get checked over." I told her firmly.

She shook her head, with horror masking her features. "I can't, I'll be fine."

She turned even whiter after she stilled her head and reached off to her side and threw up, spitting the last of the tiny remains away.

I eyeballed her "You're getting checked over. I'll take you to the hospital."

"NO!" she panicked. "I'll be fine." she told me.

I was still going to take her but I would test her memory first.

"What's you're name?" I asked.

"Bella." she told me without hesitation as she palmed her forehead.

Her name matched her looks.

"What day is it today?"

"Opening day." she told me again, without hesitation.

"Opening day?" I questioned, not having a clue what she was talking about.

She nodded, sure of her words. "September thirteenth, opening day." she told me without hesitance again.

She had the date right it was September the thirteenth but I still didn't know what opening day was.

I let it go, she was talking in riddles and I didn't know if it was because she had hit her head or if it was just her. Something told me it was just her.

"You need to get you're hands cleaned out." I told her, they were scrapped and her right one was a lot worse, it looked a little limp too. I worried that it was broken.

She shook her head firmly again. "I'm fine, stop telling me what to do." she bit at me, her brow creasing.

"I'm not telling you what to do, you just hit your head and your arm looks like it needs checked over."

"I'm fine." she growled, her eyes narrowing at me.

"You wont be able to ride if its broken."

She looked down at her wrist before looking back up at me. Panic swept her features.

"I can't, he can't know." she told me quizzically as she palmed her head again and tears beginning to fill her eyes. "He can't know." she said a little softer this time and to the ground.

"It will be fine." I tried to reassure her as I reached for her cheek.

Instantly she recoiled away from me and I never touched her.

_I wanted to touch her_

"Can you take me to LaPush?" desperation in her voice.

"No, I'm taking you to the hospital."

"You can't make me." she spat like some teenager, like something Alice would say.

"How old are you?" I asked rhetorically, trying to tell her she was acting childish.

"Eighteen." Oh, she was a teenager. She wasn't old looking, I just thought if she was riding a motorbike that she would have been older, perhaps a little closer to my age.

I sighed the fact she answered the question and the fact that I knew she needed to be checked over.

"I'm taking you to the hospital." I told her in frustration.

"No, take me to LaPush, my friend will take me."

"I'm not driving all the way out there just so she can take you."

"He."

"What?"

"My friend, he's a she."

"I don't care, I'm taking you, I'll check over you there."

She scoffed. "Do you think you're some kind of doctor?" her tone sarcastic.

"I am. I start my residency on Monday."

Her mouth hung open a little in surprise. No one ever thought I was old enough to be a doctor. I was kind of young looking but I was surprised that no one else seemed to believe I had finished college.

"I'm taking you to the hospital." I told her again, firmer.

She began to sob. "You can't, please. I'll get into trouble. I'm not supposed to be out on my bike." She was pleading and those big brown eyes were hard to turn down, but I had to. I couldn't risk her telling the doctor she had fallen or something and that it was only her wrist that gave her bother.

She needed her head checked out.

"Who will give you into trouble?" I suppose I could see her parent being concerned about her being out on a motorbike. It was a death trap and today's events just emphasised that.

"My dad." she whispered out.

"You're dad doesn't even have to know, You're an adult." I tried to let her mind relax a little. If her head was fine there was no reason that she couldn't get away with fibbing to her father that she actually fallen or something.

"They'll tell him." she told me sure of herself.

"They can't, you're an adult."

"And my dad is the Chief of Police." she practically growled, as if it explained everything. I suppose in this small town, it did.

"Wait, you're dad is Chief Swan?" I asked.

I knew who he was, he had been the Chief for as long as I had been here. He worked hard and was seen as the backbone to the town, everyone knew who he was. He was a kind man, I couldn't see why she would fear him finding out. I knew he wouldn't be too happy about her being on a bike but he I assumed he would do nothing to harm her. I just couldn't see him being like that.

But then again, we don't always know what goes on behind closed doors.

She nodded numbly to me, answering that she was in fact the Chief's daughter.

"Wait, Bella…Isabella Swan?" I asked. "You're Isabella Swan?" I couldn't hide the disbelief.

It didn't make much sense. It couldn't be the same person.

She nodded again, confirming my thoughts.

"You're Isabella Swan." I didn't know who I was talking to.

_I didn't want to talk to her anymore_.

"Get in the car." I ordered sharply.

She shook her head strongly.

"I said get in the car."

"You can't make me." she protested.

I pulled at her arm and picked up her helmet. "Yes I god damn can, now do what I say and get in that car." I was practically yelling and I could see the fear in her face.

"I don't even know who you are?" she cried, sobs coming from her.

"I'm Edward Cullen and you will do what I damn well tell you to do."

Her face, the realization hitting it. You could see it, it was like slow motion, like how people describe seeing car crashes and such. Though our little run in, there had been nothing slow about it.

She had came crashing into my life at the speed of lightning and I was determined to get her out of it just as quick.

_I wanted nothing to do with this girl_.

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I pulled her by the top of her left arm, through the sliding glass doors and walked straight up to the desk in emergency.

"Can I see Carlisle Cullen? I'm his son, Edward." I asked the girl with brown curly hair.

She smiled up at me, as she began to play with the end of her hair, curling it around her finger.

"I'm Jessica." she beamed and continued to hold an awkward glance at me.

After a moment, I prompted her again. "My father?" I tried to smile nicely. "I need to see him." as I nodded to Bella and her dangling limp wrist.

"Bella?" She asked a little surprised as she glanced between Bella and myself. "You know one another?" Jessica asked.

"We kinda ran into one another." I sighed impatiently "Can you get my father?"

"Yes, sorry, of course."

She picked up the phone, paging him as she continued to glance between Bella and me, trying to pretend that she wasn't.

Almost instantly we were met by my father, he came sweeping around the corner much like Bella had though he walked the corridors of the hospital.

"Edward? Bella?" he rushed out as soon as he saw us.

He knew who she was , I knew he knew who she was, our entire family knew who she was. I was the only one that didn't know what she looked like.

I could feel my jaw tight and rigid, it hadn't changed much since she told me her name.

My hand still held onto her, sure she would run if she got the opportunity.

She wasn't getting away, not this time.

She had it easy and I didn't know why, all I knew was that the whole incident had passed without much of a blip. If I had been here I would have caused hell to make her pay.

_She deserved to pay_.

Alice still kept quiet on all things Bella, she tried to protect her. She insisted she knew nothing, that Bella didn't speak of anything much.

But there must have been something, something she knew.

Isabella Swan was a mystery.

From what I had heard, she had blended into the background of Forks that no one really knew when she arrived and why.

The general gossip of the town was that she lived in Florida with her mother Renee and that her mother remarried.

Renee had been well liked in the town, much like Chief Swan is, but that she grew tired of the small town and the grey skies and so she left, talking Bella with her.

After that there wasn't much else said. Bella visited the odd time but she was always quiet, nothing like the stories I had heard since she had made a permanent comeback.

"Son?" My dad asked a little worried as he eyed my hand on her arm.

"She ran me off the road." I told him sharply.

At first I had been worried about her, I had panicked thinking about the poor delicate girl that I had caused to fall of her bike but now I saw her, and I knew her. It was her fault and she could have killed me like she could have killed Alice.

She was reckless

She was a danger

"Are you both ok?" my dad asked calmly.

How could he be so calm. He knew who she was, he knew what she had done.

I wanted to shout, I wanted him to shout, I wanted him to be the judge and jury for her actions, not only for today but for Alice too.

"She needs her head checked and her right arm." I told him flatly, tossing her out of my hand and making her stumble a step forward.

"This way." he waved as the two of us followed him.

We reached a stark cubical with a simple hospital bed in it. "Sit up, Bella." he smiled softly at her as he patted the mattress.

How the fuck could he be so casual, so relaxed. How could he call her Bella, like the name was use to being rolled off of his tongue.

"I'll do it." I grunted.

She almost killed me, I thought it was the least I deserved.

"It's fine. You can wait until Monday."

"I said I'll do it." I could hear the growl in my throat and I wanted to roar it out into the air, into Bella's face.

"I'll just get you're records, Bella." He yielded.

Stepping out we were both left alone.

She sat quiet as I looked into her eyes, picking up the small torch that had been left and shining it in to her eyes.

"How many fingers?" I asked her again, this time a lot shorter.

"Three." she whispered, her voice sounding almost afraid.

Her head check out, her helmet protecting her, it would be sore but she would be ok.

I took hold of her wrist as she winced in pain.

I didn't apologise for her pain, she seemed quite deserving of it. Call it Karma if you wish.

"You'll make sure my dad doesn't find out, wont you?" her voice was pleading.

I looked into her eyes, focusing on the look they held and not there function.

They looked lost.

They looked sad and tired and if she had been living this life by surviving. But I didn't know what she was surviving, if she was fighting something, if she wanted to fight something.

"I'll see what I can do." it was all I could promise. I didn't know the lay of the land here yet and I didn't know who would no doubt contact her father.

"Happy Birthday, Bella." my father told her with a small smile as he walked back in the cubical.

"There's nothing happy about it sir, it's not my birthday. It's opening day." she told him.

He looked over at me confused. He obviously didn't know what she was talking about either.

"Tanya called you're father-"

"Noooo, no, no, no, no." she cried, sobbing again.

"I'm sorry, she didn't realize that you were eighteen today." He was sincere in his words but the tone of the conversation made me think that she had begged for them not to call him before.

"You know this town though Bella, someone would have saw you come in here and he would have found out."

"But he didn't need to know." She sobbed again.

"I'm sorry Bella. We will know for next time ok?"

Next time? What did he mean next time. Did she often come flying off of her motorbike like she had today.

"You promise?" She asked all childlike and she seemed a decade younger than her age.

He nodded silently in response.

"Just…he worries." she tried to explain.

"I know he does. We all worry about you."

He's worried about her, after what she did to Alice.

Is he insane? Does he know what he's saying? Why should he care about her when she put his own daughters life in danger.

I break the sensitivity he is clearly showing her. "Her wrist is broken, it needs x-rayed." I told him flatly.

"Ok, no problem, Bella, we will get that ordered for you and cast your arm, ok?" the sweet tone is sickly and makes me want to lash out.

This is past the line of bedside manner, this is friendly, caring and nothing of what she deserves.

He walks out calmly and I quickly follow after him.

"Dad." I hiss and it catches attention as he stops and turns to look at me.

"Yes, Edward?" he asks as everything is normal, as if I didn't just see him act that way towards Bella.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Ordering Bella's x-rays." he tells me with a shrug.

"No, not that. That." I tell him as I point back to the cubical.

"What?" he asks.

"In there, with her. Why did you treat her like that?"

"Like what?" his browse furrow forward.

"Nice?" I spat.

"It's part of the job, be friendly, relax the patient."

"But to her?" Was he having me on? Did he realize who she was, he must have, her knew her.

"Why not?" he challenged.

"Because she put Alice in hospital. Your daughter." I reminded him

"Yes, Edward, I know she was involved with Alice ending up in here but that is personal."

"And?" why did it matter, he shouldn't be treating her like that.

"Edward, if you want to be a doctor you need to keep those worlds separate, you need to leave your home life at the door and step up and be the professional you were trained to be. She is hurt, she is a patient, I'm doing my job."

"She ran me off the fucking road." I spat. Would he see that?

"Yes I know, and I know that she helped put Alice in hospital but she is still a patient. She needs care and she needs to be treated right. She needs to feel safe and not threatened. I'm not here to deal with what she did last year or today, I'm hear to deal with how she comes in on that particular day. Today she has a broken wrist, I deal with that, fix her up and send her home."

"She doesn't deserve to be treated like that, you don't need to be so nice to her."

"Yes I do and so will you. If you want to work here you give the care that the patients need. If that means saving the life of a serial killer you do it, just like you can be nice to Bella, just like you will do."

I pull at my hair, frustrated.

"She needs care, she needs support she doesn't need to be judged for her mistakes." He added.

"Mistakes? She poisoned Alice. That is not a mistake."

"Yes it was. You need to get a hold of your anger because she will be back, Bella will need help again one day and if you need to help her out, you will and you will do it with her best interest at heart."

"She doesn't deserve it." I tell him again. "If it was a mistake then why did you forbid Alice from seeing her? Why can't they be friends if all it was was a mistake?" Surly he was able to see the double standards he was setting.

"Because as Alice's father, she poisoned my daughter. I had to watch out for Alice. As Bella's doctor, I have to watch out for Bella."

"You're the same person." I told him flatly.

"I know, that how it makes it harder."

"So it's at least hard for you to act so nice." I mumble.

"No, son. It's harder to keep Bella away from Alice when I know that Bella needs her. She made a mistake. She makes lots of them, look at her chart. But after that little incident, I had to put Alice first, I had to be the dad and tell her who she could and couldn't talk too." With that he turns and walks away from me.

I still don't understand his words.

Walking back into the cubical I look at the girl with the brown hair and the lost brown eyes, she looks beautiful but I don't think her soul can be, not after what she has done.

Picking up her chart I begin to flick through the pages and pages of notes. I can't believe what I'm reading.

_This can't be this same girl._

I was right, she is fighting, she is fighting herself.

Looking up to her she chews on her lip nervously as her eyes dart from my face to the floor.

She seems to pull away, clam up on her spot.

She knows, I know.

She knows I see the truth, well the noted truth at least.

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**BPOV**

_Edward Cullen_

As soon as he realized I was Charlie's daughter there was a shift in him. I could see his eyes cloud over and I hoped that the look of anger in the beautiful green was my imagination.

It wasn't.

He was Edward Cullen

He was Alice's brother.

He must have hated me.

I knew Dr Cullen always treated me with the kindness I never truly deserved and the others would give an acknowledged nod, but that was all I got. I could have been sent into exile as far as the Cullen's cared.

I didn't blame them, I couldn't. It had been my fault.

It was me who almost killed Alice.

Many in Forks gossiped about me and I heard my name being mentioned, my behaviour.

According to them I was out of hand, uncontrollable, and to an extent, I was.

But it was only me who I would put in danger, I had never meant to bring Alice down with me. _That was an accident_.

Alice was the only person who approached me, she was the only one that noted my arrival, no one else knew when I had got here, to Forks.

I stayed hidden for a few weeks before I started at school, Charlie giving me time to acclimatize to the way of life, and the greyness of the place.

I didn't like it.

It was too wet and too windy.

It scared me.

Alice knew though. She never said but I could tell from the look in her eye that she knew, that she understood and she kept quiet.

It was as if she had waited for me, waiting for my arrival just so she could take me under her wing.

But now I didn't even have her wing for shelter. I had been torn away from it, much to both our horror.

We struggled, but together we got through it.

That was until I almost killed her.

Like I say, it was my fault. I didn't mean for it to happen.

In a way, I was happy it did. I saw what it did for her, she came alive again and she got her grades up just in time for picking colleges and she was accepted.

I was proud of her for it, happy that she felt her world was settling.

She was off to take on the world with her crazy notion of fashion that amused me and me, well I was still in Forks working for Mr and Mrs Newton in there outdoor store.

But when I saw that beautiful boy and thought I found hope… the fractures of my world shattered into tiny pieces.

He would hate me.

Alice had spoke of him, how he would watch over her constantly.

Alice was a firework that never seemed to end but there was something about her, the rest of people never understood her, they never got her like I did.

To them she was just some weirdo.

To me she was Jude

_Saint Jude; Hope of the Hopeless_.

She was my hope and I was hopeless.

She still was, despite not seeing her since graduation.

But Alice spoke of Edward a lot, how he watched out for her, how he tried to protect her from the real world.

But he had to leave, and she understood that, she understood he had to do what he felt was right for him and he left her for Chicago.

She didn't mind, she loved him and wanted him to be happy so she encouraged him to follow his gut.

She missed him, he was the only real friend she had before me. She had her other brother Emmett but he wasn't Edward.

I knew Emmett would fight for her, that wasn't an issue, Alice just told me that Emmett was a man of few words. Emmett was the body and Edward was the soul.

_She need the soul_.

He left and she waited for me. And I loved her for it but she was always the stronger one and it was me who weakened her and almost took her life.

I knew from what I had heard about Edward, I would never be forgiven. I was marked with the almost loss of his sisters life.

Sitting in that cubical at the hospital and having him look thought my notes it felt like he was going through my head.

He would never understand. No one would and so I kept it to a minimal.

The pages were riddles.

It explained the situation but not the reasoning, and for that I was thankful.

No one would know the reasoning.

Only Charlie, and possibly Alice.

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**a/n: Ok have i confused you enough yet? I'm sorry it dosnt make too much sense yet, Does anyone know what Happend to Bella? I would be impressed if you do.**

**Please review and tell me what you think!! Pretty Please...Pleeeeese xx**


	3. Hey Jude

**a/n: ok people, you know me, if i have somthing to give...I give. just please give a little love back and review - just to let me know what your thoughts are.**

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**Hey Jude**

**EPOV**

Opening a private mail form "thepeskypixie" or Alice, I was confused. It was sent at five o'clock this morning.

"_You were meant to go out and get her"_

I had no clue what she was talking about. I thought about it again and again.

Who was she talking about?

I mailed her back

_Huh? Are you high again, Ali?_

She wouldn't find it funny, and neither did I. But I needed to find out what she meant.

I left my laptop switched on, my mind floating to Bella and everything I had read about her.

She refused to speak to me after that and once her dad got there, I saw shame flash across her face. He was tough on her, nothing that was unexpected though, but there was something in his tone, he was tired.

My laptop bleeped alerting me to another private mail on my profile. I had noticed that Alice had a few more friends since she had moved to Seattle and it had only been two weeks.

There was also a picture of her kissing some blonde guy who I would be sure to ask about next time I had her on the phone.

_Not funny, ass._

_I'm Jude, do you know who you are, yet?_

_I'll give you a clue, begins with H._

_Luv u bro xx_

Jude. The words, they were 'Hey Jude' by the Beatles. I thought I recognised it. I had heard Alice sing it constantly last time she visited me in Chicago and last time I was in Forks also.

But who began with H and what the Hell was she talking about?

Of course, I heard nothing from her for the rest of the night.

* * *

**BPOV**

_thepeskypixie: _

"_Take a sad song and make it better" _

_Watch the roads, he means no harm, honest._

_Sad opening day…_

_I'm sorry_

_I miss you, I love you_

_Your Jude xx_

It was from Alice. Alice had private mailed me, one of my two friends on this pathetic social site, we hadn't talked in about eight months but she was still thinking about me.

Just knowing this, that she thought of me, especially today, it made a brief jolt of life come to me for a moment.

Alice was certain she could tell the future and going by the fact that she had sent the mail about two hours before I met Edward, made me curious.

Did she know I was going to meet him and what did she mean by the line of the song. I knew the song, it was the one I would sing to her, she was my Jude; hope for the hopeless.

Was she giving me hope? Was this what she was trying to do?

She even spoke of opening day. It wasn't my birthday anymore, it was the day they thought they could begin to get back to normal.

I missed her and I loved her too.

I didn't reply - it would hurt too much.

* * *

"It wasn't my fault, Charlie." he gritted his teeth. He was standing firm on this one and I was proud of him for it. It wasn't his fault, it was mine.

"I don't give a damn, Jake. You should have had that god damn death trap locked up properly. I have told you about it before."

Jake sighed, backing off. This was going to be an argument he would lose. Charlie's resilience wasn't something to mess with.

"I swear, boy. One more time and it's impounded - for good." Charlie finished.

"It's my bike." I argued. It wasn't Charlie's and it wasn't Jakes either, no one was taking my bike from me.

"Bells, you can just keep quiet. You keep the bike and I impound it first thing tomorrow morning. Do not test me." Charlie was at the limit. He was exhausted by me, my behaviour, my attitude and most of all, my own disregard for my own life.

He hated my motorbike. I swear, I thought he was going to strangle Jacob when he found out what we had done. The fact that I had blew all the money for college on it was just another matter. Not that it even actually mattered, no college would have me, not now.

"Come on, Charlie. It wasn't Jakes fault. Bella is an adult now."

Charlie scoffed at Billy's words before he walked through into Billy's sitting room.

Jake and I were left alone in the kitchen. "Come on." I said, telling him to follow me.

Her did, like I knew he would, and I walked out to Jakes garage. I walked out of the rain and wind and relaxed in the shelter.

"Ok, so Charlie searched me before we left, he got the vodka." I shrugged. "But…I've got the good stuff in my bra."

Jake laughed, amused. He knew what I kept in my bra.

"Has he not guessed that you put bras on just to hide your pot. It's the only time you wear them."

"I really don't think my father pays that much attention to my chest. I would be worried if he did." I told him blankly as I pulled the joint out of my underwear.

"Eh…ok, good point." he shrugged and I laughed.

"Do you have a lighter." I ask looking around.

"Blow torch?" he offered. I rolled my eyes, but it did.

We settle on top of the rabbit, passing the joint between one another, smoking.

"This is the good stuff." he inhaled it deep into him.

"I got it form James." I shrug.

"Aw, Bells, I have told you, don't go near that guy."

"He's cheap." I shrug.

"He only gives you it cheap because he wants to get into your underwear, stay back." I sighed and rolled my eyes at him.

"Jude mailed me today." I said, trying to change the subject.

"The pixie? What did she say?" he asked surprised.

"I don't know, she sent me a riddle."

"There's something new." he scoffed.

"She told me to watch the roads and that he means no harm."

"Who?" he asks confused.

"Her brother, I think." I shrug "It was him I almost crashed into."

"He would have killed you if you got hit with that Jeep." he was worried about me just as much as Charlie, he just tried to hide it.

"Not Emmett, her other brother."

"Edward?"

"Yeh, him and his shiny fucking Volvo. He's a doctor, he saw my medical record." What he must think of me.

Sitting up, Jake took my un-cast wrist, my left wrist. "I got this for you. You're dad had said it was coming up to your birthday."

"Don't call it that." I tell him pointedly.

"Ok, whatever, opening day then. But I got this for you. it's a little wolf, its meant to protect you, least that's the story." he shrugged as he tied the cord in a knot around my wrist.

I look down at the little wooden carving of the wolf, it stands as if its running and I wonder if its running to protect me or trying to run away from me.

"Thank you." I tell him before I reach up to his lips and kiss them softly.

He isn't my boyfriend, and he never will be but I know that he likes me and I use it to get what I need.

Love him; I definitely do.

Screw him over; constantly.

He deserves someone better than me. But still, he sticks by me.

I reach up to his long, almost black hair. Jacob is gorgeous, and he is also a year younger than me, but it doesn't stop me.

"Have sex with me?" I ask him, my tone begging.

I know it will make me feel better, if only for a little while. It blocks out the numbness.

I know what I am, and I know what I do.

I have taken advantage of his love for me for the past six months, I took his virginity away without hesitation and I knew then, that he fell in love with me.

But I couldn't love him back. Not like that.

"It doesn't make it better, Bella." he warned me.

He knew what I got from him, when I let him inside of me.

"It does for a little while." I whisper.

He has sex with me, trying to make me happy, feel better, make himself feel better or happy, I'm not sure.

But we have sex, and for a little while, it makes me feel better, but not happy. Never happy.

* * *

**EPOV**

_"The minute you let her under your skin_

_Then you begin to make it better"_

It was a text from Alice and I was still no closer to figuring out what she was meaning.

It had been two days since I had avoided Bella on that road and two days I couldn't get her out of my mind.

Was it Bella, that Alice was talking about?

Did she know she would get under my skin?

But what could I make better? Bella was a disaster, everything I had read about her…I couldn't believe.

What was the logic behind it all.

Giving up thinking what it all meant, I called Alice.

What was with the cryptic lyrics. It was frustrating. I didn't know who she was talking about but I was sure it was Bella.

Her phone rang and she picked up on the third ring.

_"Brother?"_ she rolled out of her mouth in a posh accent.

"Sister." I replied.

_"For what do I deserve this honour?"_ She liked to play these things out like this, it was just who she was, cookie.

"Riddles my dear, your damn riddles." I told her a little impatiently but still running along with her tone.

_"Ahh, I see. Worked it out yet?"_ she asked, snapping back to her normal tone.

"No. What are you going on about Ali?"

_"I can't tell you that, you need to work it out."_ she told me flatly.

"Why, Hey Jude?" it was the lyrics she gave to me. "And why are you Jude?"

_"Brother dearest, how can you be so blind? I know that I saw it but you should really have worked it out by now. She's been waiting, she doesn't know it, but she has. And so have you."_

"Who has been waiting? And who begins with H? Seriously Al, have you been back on the drugs again?" I asked a little short.

I couldn't work out her damn riddle and it was beginning to grate on me.

_"You know who, Eddie boy. And well the H, you just need to think about it. As for the drugs, don't bring that up again. I will come and hunt you down if you say that again."_ She was serious about the last part, she would definitely come after me, it was a sensitive subject to say the least.

"No other clues?" I asked, hoping.

_"Nope."_ She told me.

"Please?" I begged, I needed to find out what she was talking about. It was one of her games, but her games often passed onto real life. She claimed to be able to tell the future, that she had visions. As crazy as it sounds, she did seem to have a canny knack at knowing things. That's why I had to work this out, work it out before it happened, she was pointing me in the direction of something and I needed to know what.

_"How's that feeling, Edward?"_ she asked. What feeling?

"What feeling?" I asked her, what was she talking about.

_"The loss."_ she said simply. How the hell did she know about that?

I knew my sister was as strange as hell, I knew the reason she had no friends was because of it but she pushed on with life as best as she could. I only knew that she had Bella as a friend at one point, right up until she almost killed her.

But the ways she talked about me, about my feelings. Feelings I never disclosed to anyone…I stayed quiet, I didn't know what to say about it.

_"It wasn't me Edward, it wasn't me you lost. You were looking for someone. You found them, the feeling is gone. You just have to remember when it disappeared."_

The feeling of loss _was_ gone, but I had expected it to go, I had been back here for three whole days. I assumed I had settled in.

She laughed lightly down the phone, her voice a sound of twinkling bells. I missed hearing that sound so much. I missed her so much.

_"Can you not think?"_ she asked, amused.

"No."

_"Then you're not thinking hard enough, you don't care enough, yet. But you will, soon you will. Just remember."_

"Al…" I sighed.

_"No, nothing else. You are a big boy now Edward, work it out for yourself. I don't even know if I should be giving you clues."_ She sighed.

There was a moment of silence on the phone between us as I collected my thoughts.

_"His name is Jasper."_ she told me sharply.

I laughed, of course she knew I was going to ask that.

"And is he nice?" I asked carefully.

_"I love him."_ she told me without hesitation.

"Alice…" I sighed, she was such a fool, rushing in, total disregard of her own feelings.

_"I do. And he is a good man, a southern man. He's got the sexy drawl going. Hmmm."_ she sighed of content.

"Maybe I should meet him?" I threaten.

_"Oh you will, soon. You will like him."_

"And what does he say…what does he say about your… gift?" I struggle with my words. I'm never certain what to call it, Alice is so relaxed with it she doesn't bother, it doesn't phase her that the rest of us struggle with what it means, what it meant for her growing up.

"He thinks its interesting, he doesn't tease, he takes me for what I am. Really, Edward, he is good for me. I'm going to marry him." she told me with total confidence in her voice.

"Alice." I call down the phone, I thought she had grew up, why is she acting so childish and jumping into something and saying things like that about a stranger.

_"Edward once you meet him you will understand. Don't question me. You need to look at yourself before you judge others. Don't be so quick to jump to assumptions. Its not nice for people to assume the worst of someone going by gossip."_

"Who are we talking about now?" I asked.

_"Me, you, Jasper…_Bella_."_

"Bella? What dose she have to do with anything. What do you mean?"

_"I can't say, I have already said too much. I need to go, ok?"_

"Uh-huh, that's fine. Will I see you soon?"

"_Soon."_ she promised _"And remember what I said Edward, think hard and don't assume, got it."_

"Got it." with my last words to her she hung up on me.

I feel like she's told me nothing and everything at the same time. Like I just can't see the trees for the forest.

And why did she tell me not to assume anything of Bella, I saw her chart, I can assume all I want.

Bella has every right for people to judge her with the stories I had heard.

She brought it all on by herself.

* * *

I drove to Port Angeles. It was Friday night and tonight I was meeting some old friends from school. We arranged here because most of them had move to the area for work or college. I was the only one that seem to move as far away from Forks.

I had moved into my apartment today and finally finished with most of the necessities. The bed was made at least, I had somewhere to lay when I got home.

"Yeh, well the gossip I heard was his wife was having it away with his work colleague now." Alec laughed with a shrug.

"Well, he did get pretty lucky to get Chelsea, but you can see why she got bored of him." I laughed but I felt sorry for Felix, the guy never had much going for him, he was a bulked up goon. Popular on the field but that was about it.

It was then I heard the voice, the sweet voice I had heard a few days ago when I had helped her with her helmet off, before I realized who she was and she realized who I was.

_Bella_

She walked in, some guy with his arm around her waist, holding her tight into him. He was older than me and I didn't like it, she shouldn't be with someone as old as he was and it made me curious if he knew her real age, that she was too young to drink.

The rest of the guys continued to laugh and joke catching up but my attention was gone, it was all on Bella.

She hadn't noticed me as she walked in and she stood with her back against the bar smoking a cigarette that the guy had gave her.

He pushed into her, his crotch pushing into her stomach and it made me feel sick the way he placed his hands on her. He ordered her a drink and his hand slid up her bare thigh, Bella wearing the smallest skirt ever.

This was wrong, and after everything I knew, I knew I couldn't sit here and let it happen. I had to stop her, if only for Charlie's sake.

"Guys, Excuse me. I need to take car of something." I told my table before standing up and walking over to Bella.

Her face faltered as soon as she saw me, the false smile she had wore, fell.

She tried to look away form me, continue her conversation with the guy that pressed her into the bar but you could see her panic as I walked over.

"Bella, don't you think you should be at home?" I asked her nicely.

"Who the hell are you?" her older man asked.

"He's no one, just ignore him. Someone that couldn't take no for an answer." she shrugged while glaring at me.

I laughed at her words. She wasn't someone I wanted to go near in the first place but I was doing this for Charlie, it was clear Bella had no self-respect for herself.

I pulled on her arm, avoiding her cast. "I think it's time you went back home." I tugged her away from the bar and away from the guy.

"Leave her alone." he ordered.

"No, I think if you know what's best for you, you will leave her alone." I told him flatly.

I looked around but there was no sign of a jacket or a coat, she stood there with that skirt and some thin t-shirt.

She stumbled about on her feet and looking at her, I saw she was drunk.

"How much have you had to drink?" I asked, shocked that she seemed so inebriated so early on in the night.

She shrugged like she couldn't give a damn.

"Hey, leave her alone or you will be taken out the back door, dude." the barman warned. I wasn't leaving her here, not with this guy.

"Considering she is the Chief of Polices daughter in Forks and that she is underage-"

"Hey," Bella broke though, I ignored her.

"I think I'll be taking her home, ok?"

"My dad is the Chief, but I'm not underage." she protested to the barman.

"Yes she is." I corrected. "Her ID will be fake. I see her in here again, you will be getting closed down by her father." I warned.

Her older guy had seemed to wander off, no doubt too much of the wrong kind of attention for him.

"Get her out." the barman nodded with out hesitation and I pulled her through the bar stopping at my table.

"Edward?" Alec asked looking concerned with the fact I held onto a drunk Bella.

"I need to go, I'm sorry, she is a friend of Alice's…" I never bothered to explain that she belongs to the Chief but I'm sure they could work it out by themselves with the fact that she had been friends with Alice. Alice had only ever had one friend.

"Ok, but don't leave it too long next time, okay?" They warned jokingly and with a nod I grabbed my jacket and headed for the door.

Walking out the front of the bar Bella shivered in the night air. I placed my jacket across her shoulders as she mumbled a thank you and slipped her arms in the sleeves.

It was huge on her, she was practically swimming in the material but she looked warmer and she looked like she should; covered up.

At least her top half was. There wasn't much I could do for her arse skimming skirt she wore, the jacket almost covered that up completely too.

"You know, I don't have anywhere to sleep now." she huffed as I walked in the direction to my car down the street.

"How about home?" I told her flatly.

"I can't, Charlie will kill me." she hissed. "I was going to stay with that guy."

"You mean that guy was going to screw you?"

"Fuck off, who are you for coming up to me like that anyway? What is it to you?"

"What is it to me? I think you need to think about that one Bella, anyone with half a brain would have dragged your ass away like that. Don't give me shit because I was trying to do right by you."

"You don't even like me, you hate me." she spat, her arms hugging herself in my coat.

She looked so lost, so scared of this world. Whatever this was, it was a front, this wasn't her.

"I don't hate you." I told her.

"I almost killed your sister, you hate me."

I stopped in my tracks, Bella slowing beside me. "Can we not talk about that right now, I might just leave you here." I snapped.

"Fine, see if I care." she pulled my jacket off of her and handed it too me without meeting my eyes.

"Take it." she growled. "It's not like I have anywhere to go now anyway. I'll sleep in my truck." she shrugged.

"You drove here?" I asked. "And put the damn jacket back on." I ordered.

"Yeh, it seems you just like to leave my vehicles stranded though." she shrugged.

I ignored her "Did you drink before you drove?"

"Yes." she shrugged as if it was nothing.

I closed my eyes in frustration, this girl was certifiable. What the hell was she thinking and what the fuck was her father doing about it?

I walked away from her. "Put the jacket on and get your backside in my car now."

She quickly followed me and got into the passengers seat, all quiet and sullen.

I didn't want to talk to her, all I wanted to do what was right. Take her home for her father to deal with.

She was hard work, I felt sorry for him. But it still made no sense. What had happened in life to make her like that? What had made her so disconnected from the real world.

She was so tiny and I couldn't help but think of that fragile girl that came off of her motorbike. She was beautiful and there was something about her. Something reserved, not in a bad way, just, just in a sad way. An honest way.

Beginning to drive I would saw oncoming cars and there headlights would highlight her face.

She was still beautiful and that girl I saw as she took off her helmet and wiped back her hair, it was her that sat next to me.

She continued to hug herself, rubbing at her bare legs trying to warm up.

I had turned up the heaters in an attempt to make her warmer.

"Perhaps next time you should remember you're skirt." I bit.

She shrugged. "It was Alice's. She gave me it."

I nodded. "Explains a lot, she did go thought a fairly slutty stage, I wondered what happened to the threads of material she used to wear."

She narrowed her eyes at me before turning to look out her window.

"You get off on guys treating you like that?" I asked.

It took her a while to answer and I was beginning to think she wasn't going too.

"So what I like some attention, what's wrong with that?"

"Nothing, everyone likes some attention, but not everyone dresses like a five dollar hooker to get it."

She hissed at me in response as I pulled up at a set of lights.

Turning to her, I could see her hurt face in the dim street light, but I didn't care if I was hurting her feelings, if she continued to go around like she was, she was asking for trouble. "I'm just saying, something must be missing in your life if that's the kind of attention you need."

The lights changed to green and I released the hand break and pumping the clutch and gas.

"Maybe there is." she whispered in to herself and into my jacket.

I knew there was something, I didn't know what, but there was something missing.

She was silent for a while, and I gave her time to think about the choices she was making, hoping she could see what she was doing to herself.

"I need to stay with you." she told me out of no where.

"What?" I asked confused. There was no way in hell I was letting her into my apartment.

"I need to stay with you."

"No!" I told her blankly.

"You took away my bed for tonight, I need to sleep somewhere."

"Bella, I'll be frank, that guy was going to take you home to just fuck you, look at you, your are dressed like a slut and I saw the way he had you up against the bar." I practically shouted.

"Least I would have been warm…" she mumbled again into my jacket. "I can't go home like this the now. Charlie will explode."

"Maybe you will think about that before you go out looking like a tramp."

She chewed down on her lip, and I could see my words were taking effect. They took effect but I hated my self for doing it. She needed a reality check but my continual snapping wasn't doing her any good. All I did was tear her down.

"Take me home with you and I'll tell you about Alice." she bargained.

What the hell can she tell me about Alice, do they still have contact? Alice would be in some serious shit if that was the case.

"You still have contact?"

She shook her head, "Well no, not really, she mailed me the day I met you though. She told me to be careful on the roads."

"And you never listened to her?"

"I never got it until I got back from the hospital. She remembered it was my birth- Opening day." She stumbled on her words.

"Why do you call it that, why don't you like your birthday?" I ask, how can someone not like there birthday?

"They tried to make it go back to normal, but there was too much damage, it wasn't fair. I wasn't even there anymore." she croaked out the last sentence.

Her riddles were as confusing as Alice's. "Where were you?"

She never said a word again.

I tried to prompt her on a few occasions but she wasn't talking. It was as if she was a mute, she didn't even react to my words and questions as I drove back to Forks.

She said if I took her back to mine she would tell me about Alice. Did she know something I didn't? I knew my sister well but I knew that the pair, as short as there friendship had been, were inseparable.

Alice may have told her things, and maybe Bella had told Alice some things too.

I hoped she did, because in this world, she seemed very much alone.

She needed someone to reach out to her and help her, and as much as I hated to admit it, my dad had been right, Bella needed Alice.

I couldn't see it when I opened the chart, but thinking about her these past few days, hearing her talk the way she did just now, she needed some one and Alice would have been good for her, she wouldn't have judged her, she wouldn't assume she knew her…

_She wouldn't assume she knew her._

Alice's words played in my head. _Don't make assumptions, don't assume, don't judge_.

But I had a right too, after everything that happened with Alice and her, how could I not, how could I not only see the bad in her.

I pulled up out side my apartment and she gave me a small smile of thanks that I never made her go home.

Looking at her I couldn't see bad, I could only see this poor, beautiful, lost girl.

Was that the girl Alice really saw? Was the gossip deceiving of who she really was?

I knew there had to be a reason for the things she done.

Cutting off the cars engine I looked over at her, "Lets get you inside." I told her with a small smile back.

* * *

_a/n: Any guesses yet to Bella? Also - i beg of you - please review. xx_


	4. I Cried To My Daddy on The Telephone

**a/n: ok some mixed reactions but all positive! please please let me know what you think, i'm very nervous of this story but think it could be half decent!!**

* * *

**I Cried To My Daddy On The Telephone**

**EPOV**

I watched her from the side as she looked around my apartment. She was like a kitten, shy and curious before braving up and diving in without hesitation.

She still wore my jacket and she rubbed at her arms continuously seeking warmth.

I stood by the coffee maker, waiting for it to finish with the jug full I was making for Bella and I.

She was going to sober up. I wasn't having her like she was, in my apartment.

She seemed to sober up a little on the way home but I still wasn't satisfied.

"Here, drink this?" I ordered as I threw a bottle of water in her direction. She caught it but only just and she rose her brows up at it if I was a foreign object.

"It's water." I clarified just in case she really was that drunk.

She rolled her eyes at me. "I know…" she sighed.

She began to ponder through more packed boxes that lay across the living room floor, opening up one I heard her excited. "Now this is what I have been looking for, this is the party box. Belvidere? The good stuff." she said quite smugly.

"Don't even think about it, Bella, you open that bottle I'll throw you right out on to the streets - minus my jacket. Drink the water."

She looked at the bottle of Vodka in her hand, but I was being honest, if she opened that bottle, she was on her own.

"It will warm me up." she shrugged, her hands wrapping around the top of the bottle.

I rushed over to her, pulling it out of her hand and sitting it on the counter behind me.

"You want warmed up I'll give you something to wear that will cover your arse."

"Don't you like the skirt?" she teased as she pulled herself up into me.

"Not particularly. A bit trashy for my linking." I told her blankly.

"Aww, I get it, you like the frigid, stick up the ass kinda girl. The one that's a bit of a challenge?"

"I like the girl that has a bit of self respect for herself."

"I can be her too." She shrugged. "I just like this way better." she took hold of my hand, pulling it towards the top of her leg. My fingers had brushed against her soft skin before I realized what she was trying to do and as soon as I realized I pulled back.

"I'll get you something to wear." I told her sharply.

She shrugged and nodded, accepting my offer.

Walking across to one of the other brown boxes that had been open I shuffled through my clothes, lifting sweat bottoms out, a t-shirt and a hooded top I passed them to her for her to get changed.

"The bathroom is in the hall and the second door up." I told her as I went back to the kitchen side of the open planned apartment.

Looking over I saw her strip her skirt away right where she stood when I had passed the clothes to her. Lifting off her top, she stood in only a little pair of boy shorts.

I couldn't believe she was changing right in front if me, in the middle of my apartment. I was only glad I had the blinds tilted closed. I could imagine what the neighbours would have to say about that.

I looked at her back, her waist. She seemed even smaller without her cloths on. I knew I shouldn't have been looking but the small bumps of her spin had me hypnotized, they led to the curve on her back before her bottom and where her little shorts began.

She turned around, completely topless and I averted my gaze. What I had caught at the front looked just as good but I tried to seem like I wasn't looking, that I wasn't the pervert I had been.

"You're a doctor, right? Doesn't it all just look the same?" I heard her call, obviously talking about her body and perhaps trying to get a rise out of me.

I looked up to her, meeting only her eyes and refusing to look else where. I nodded at her words before I turned back to the coffee maker and pulling out two mugs out of the cupboard above me. About one of the few thing I had got tided away.

I could see her dress from the corner of my eye as I poured the hot black coffee.

"Milk? Sugar?" I asked.

"Sugar, four of them." she replied.

"Four? What are you, five?"

"Eighteen, but you already knew that." she shrugged as she walked over to the couch, baling herself up in a corner.

I ignored her and handed her the mug of coffee. "That should warm you up." I told her.

I still couldn't believe she was here, she was on my couch, in my apartment. If her father found out she was here he would go crazy. Hell, my father would go crazy.

But I didn't know what to do. I couldn't leave her in the streets like she was so determined to do if she didn't come back here. At least here, she was warm, at least here, she was safe.

It was only eleven o'clock at night but my night had felt like it had been forever since I had came across her in that bar.

I sat down on the bubble wrapped coffee table with little pops below me as I sat across from her. I was too worried of what she might attempt if I sat close to her. I didn't know if her little strip was some stunt to gain some kind of attention from me. But I wasn't giving it to her.

She looked around, over my head taking in my apartment. "It really is nice here." she told me as she took a sip. "It feels like a home."

"What about your home?" I asked.

"It feel like a home too, just a really horrible one though. Me and Charlie, we don't get on too well. He loves me, he just…he just wants me to be someone else." her eyes fluttered around, everywhere, but they didn't look at me, though I could see them glaze over as she spoke about her home.

"You get on?" I asked carefully.

"Sometimes. When I do what he tells me, you know?" she shrugged.

"He won't look at me right now, not after the hospital the other day?" her tone was sad but she let out a little laugh. "I don't know why I'm telling you this." she shrugged.

I leaned further forward with my mug in my hands. "If you want to talk, I _will _listen." I had a feeling she could really do with talking to someone.

"I don't know if it's because you Alice's brother, you're a lot like her, you know?"

I scoffed, Alice and I got on well but I don't know if we could be compared to be alike.

"You are, there is something about you."

"Something about me?" I asked hoping she would elaborate.

"Something…something other worldly."

"Alice is defiantly other worldly, but I don't know if I am."

She nodded slightly. "I miss her." she whispered and the glaze in her eyes became more intense as I could see she was thinking about her. "She liked me even though their wasn't anything I could give to her."

She chewed on her lip, her mind thinking. "You are like that. Okay, you don't like me, but you are not looking for anything from me for being here."

"Is that how everyone else is?"

"All the men at least." she shrugged. "Girls just don't like me."

"Have you ever thought it you were too….too aggressive?"

"Do you think I'm mean?" she looked heartbroken at the question as she looked into my eyes.

"No, I never said you were mean, you just have a powerful presence sometimes." I laughed a little and she looked up at me in confusion. "Something tells me that that isn't really you. It's an act?"

"I don't know anymore." her hand reached down to her bare feet as she took another swig from her coffee cup. She tried to rub at them and I reached over and felt they were cold as well.

"How come you are as cold as you are but you still go out the house half dressed and without a coat."

"I'm always cold." she shrugged. "I'm always tired… and I always feel cold..."

I stood up, walking back to the box full of clothes and I pulled out a thick pair of sport socks for her to put on.

Walking over I sat on the middle seat of the couch, I gently pulled at her feet and slipped the socks on her, rubbing them trying to warm her up some more.

I didn't know who this girl was but it wasn't the girl I pulled out of the bar.

She gave a whispered thanks as she cradled the warm mug in her hands.

"Tell me more about you." I ordered gently, but she shook her head, keeping quiet.

"Tell me about Alice?" I asked carefully and for the first time ever, I saw a tiny genuine smile on her face.

"She loves you, she missed you." she told me and I felt guilty for ever going to Chicago.

"Don't worry though, she was proud of you for doing what was right for you, she would have felt bad if you stayed." she backed up.

"I still should have been here, kept her safe." I gritted my teeth on the last part of the sentence knowing it was Bella's fault she ended up in hospital. At her words her eyes cast down and I couldn't see anything of her.

"I really never meant for that to happen. I thought it would be some fun," she shrugged. "A bit of an escape."

"Well it was an escape for Alice, she was unconscious for two days." I snapped but I immediately regretted it.

"I really am sorry, I love her." her words croak out and I felt bad for saying it, for tearing her down even more.

She swallowed hard. "Maybe…maybe I should go. You don't want me here."

The strangest sensation took over me, I did wan her here. I hadn't wanted her here as we drove, but looking into her eyes when they were filled with pain, I wanted to keep her here with me so I could look after her. It was clear, that even though Bella said Charlie loved her, he wasn't giving her what she needed.

I didn't know what that was myself but I was sure I had got more out of Bella tonight than her father most likely had since she arrived here.

"Stay, I don't want you out in the streets…you're just getting warmed up." I shrugged pathetically. It was a rubbish excuse and I was sure Bella saw through it.

I reached for her hands and they were still ice cold. This girl just could not seem to warm up.

I was beginning to grow worried.

I stood up and sighed. "Wait right here." she nodded and looked up at me blankly before I left the room, headed for my own bedroom.

I saw my reflection of myself in the un-hung mirror and I didn't know what I was doing. What I was getting into.

As a human being I suppose I was concerned about her. As me, Edward Cullen, I honestly didn't know what I was feeling for this girl.

I lifted up the duvet cover off of my bed and walked back through to find Bella at the unit with the bottle of vodka in her hand again.

"Are you an alcoholic or something?" I snapped at her as she jumped around, why couldn't she just leave the damn bottle alone. "It was about the only thing I didn't see in your notes, alcoholic."

She placed it back down on the unit, her eyes cast down. "I…I was just thinking it would be good in the coffee. And don't talk about my notes, were not in the hospital." she added, pointedly.

"Stop touching my vodka and I won't mention your catalogue of notes."

"I wasn't going to take it. I wanted to, but I wasn't going too. I was getting more coffee."

I threw down the duvet cover on the couch and walked over to the kitchen unit. I lifted the bottle and placed it in the cupboard, out of her view.

"Why do you do the things you do?" I asked curious.

"What are we talking about? Me in bars with older men or my hospital notes?"

I laughed. "If you carry on with men like you do, that will end up in your notes too, some STI or because some guy has a abused you like never before."

She flinched at my words and turned to face the wall, pretending to fight with the sugar canister.

I pulled at my hair, frustrated. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, its none of my business." It really wasn't, no matter what I thought about this girl, what she did in her own life was her own choice. She was adamant on that, I could tell from the notes in the hospital.

"How many sugars?" she asked.

"One, please." She opened the canister and placing the sugars in the cups before she moved onto the jug of coffee and pouring it in the mugs.

I reached over, picking up both cups before I walked over to the couch and the coffee table.

I nodded her to sit down as I placed the warm drinks on the table.

Lifting up the duvet, I tucked it around her, her little ball. I left space for her to get her arms out so she could hold onto her coffee.

"Thank you." she whispered shyly as I passed her the coffee and sat at the other end of the couch.

She looked so young. Despite the way she had been dressed, she wore no make up and I wondered if she even had any. If she was going to that much trouble of gaining attention, a painted face would help that, no doubt.

But the only thing she had on her face was the purple marks below her eyes, she was tired and I had no idea how long she had been like that for.

Her brows furrow forward. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Am I? I would say I was being…I don't know, normal?"

"Well if this is normal, you must be a really nice guy. Alice spoke about you as if you held the world up. I was always jealous she had you, even though I never met you or knew what you were like."

Something in me was pushing, pushing to let her in closer, because she needed someone, she needed Alice and we had took her away form her.

"You can talk to me." I didn't know if it was a game, if she was pressing my buttons and this is what she was aiming for, if she was playing mind games, to make me and my family think she wasn't as bad as she was.

But she wasn't as bad as she was. She held herself that way, some kind of defence mechanism. She was alone in this world and she had been through so much with what her notes held. I just knew that there was more to it than the pages of paper and scribbled handwriting held.

"Where were you before here?" I asked. I knew she was in Florida, that's where she lived with her mother and step father.

She hesitated for a moment. "Houston." she told me.

Why did she lie?

I never said anything, instead I kept quiet, see what the rest of her so-called story was.

"Do you miss your mum?" I asked, is that why she was like this? Did her mum send her here and this was her reaction or was she like this with her mother and she couldn't handle her anymore so sent her off to Charlie.

She nodded silently. "I call her everyday though."

She must have felt close to her mum to call her everyday, I was close to my mother but still, I never called her everyday.

"Why did you move back to Forks?" I was curious, I had to know.

She shrugged. "Some things happened…" it was all she said.

She was closing down. I wasn't sure if it was because she was tired or if she just didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"How is Alice?" she asked. I was surprised she hadn't asked sooner.

"She's good. She has a boyfriend now thought." I was still worried about this guy, Jasper. Was he really as good as she said.

"That's nice. Its good to hear she is happy."

We slipped into silence until I heard her begin to hum.

I recognised the tune, I just couldn't think what it was.

"Bella, are you tired, you can go to bed if you want."

She thought about it again, chewing her lip. I wanted to reach for it and pull it away from what she was doing to it.

"I'm tired." was all she said.

I nodded at her words, though it seemed as if something was hidden by them.

"You can sleep in my bed, I'll sleep on the couch." I told her as I began to satand up.

"No, it's fine. I'll take the couch, I probably wont sleep much anyways."

"No, take the bed." I told her with some finality in my voice.

The wind picked up out side and you could hear the trees rustle in the background. For it being the middle of September it sounds pretty wild.

Bella jumped out from below her spot under the covers and peered out of the blinds.

Standing up behind her I could see her shoulders tense even below all the layers she wore, her neck was rigid as her head swept across the lenght of the blinds and out on to the street.

"Sounds wild out there." I spoke, trying to get her attention away form the blinds.

Her eyes looked heavy "I don't like the wind." her words were pretty random.

Moving to the couch I picked up the duvet cover and ordered her to follow me to my bed room, once there I threw the bed covers over the bed, told her to sleep and let her be before I made a bed out of some spare covers and blankets, sleeping on the couch.

* * *

_**BPOV**_

_"Dad, you need to get here, you need to come and get me." I shouted through the phone, panicked. I was scared to death and I didn't know what to do._

_"_Easy Bells, you will be fine, don't worry." _I heard his voce relaxed, it sootherd me a little but he wasn't here, he didn't have the feeling I had._

_"Please…" I begged._

"By the time I get there Renee will have you sorted. She will take care of you. Don't panic."

_"But she wont listen." I tired to argue, she wasn't listening to a word I said._

_The wind blew outside and the rain lashed against the windows, it made me nervous, I couldn't hear what was going out on the street. All I could hear was the wind, howling at me._

"Bella. Stop this, you will be safe, nothing is going to hurt you."

_"Dad, listen to me…" I felt the tears for in my eyes, my gut in knots. Why would he listen, why would he see what I was trying to say._

"Bells…"_ he sighed again._

_The wind continued to howl and the rain poured._

_Looking out into the street it was dark, I couldn't see anything or anyone._

_"Dad." I shouted down the phone._

_No answer._

_"Dad. Dad, are you there?" I swolloedd hard._

_"Dad." I cried in panic._

_The phone had been disconnected._

_"Dad!" I screamed down the phone my heart about to burst._

_I couldn't breath, I knew I was in danger. My heart raced, my mind a not able to concentrat._

_I screamed._

_I screamed with everything I had in me._

_All I knew was that I wasn't safe._

* * *

**EPOV**

Screams.

Screams was all I could hear.

I jumped up from the couch and rushed through to my bedroom as fast as I could to find Bella still screaming.

She sounded petrified. Even in the dark you could see the sheen of sweat across her forehead. She rolled around clutching on to the duvet with tears pouring from her eyes.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing, this hard girl was in pieces as she slept.

I got on to the bed, reaching for her, her body trembling with fear with the nightmare she was having.

"Bella." I shook her gently, my own hands shaking with fear for the girl that slept in my bed.

"Bella, wake up." I shook her even firmer, determined to pull her out from the horrors in her head.

I was painful, her voice, her scream so shrilling. It pierced my heart and it pierced my brain. I was scared for her and the fact that I couldn't seem to pull her out from under the horrendous spell.

I straddled over her tiny waist, shaking her vigoursly until I snapped her out of it and woke her up.

The screaming stopped and she gasped for air below me.

"Bella, Bella, Bella." I called her name over and over, she never spoke or answered me.

Her eyes were open like saucers, fear still in them. I looked down to her below me and I wanted to wrap my arms around her, I wanted to tell her everything was ok, that it would be alright, no matter what she had dreamt of.

_They were only bad dreams, weren't they?_

I let the pad of my thumb brush against her cheek, wiping at a few of the tears that marked her porcelain skin.

She had stopped crying when she woke up, but she still sobbed, her chest still heaved needing the air and needing the release.

I felt my own breath as erratic as hers, I copied her, panic flooding me too but I knew it was a different kind to hers.

"Are you ok?" I asked as I still sat above her.

She burst into tears, shaking her head and closing her face off to me with her two hands.

I didn't want her to do that, I wanted to see her face, I wanted to see if it got any better. I knew her pain was only getting worse though.

She sobbed uncontrollably below me, I didn't know what to do. She was in pain, so much pain.

Without thinking I wrapped my arms around her, below her neck and held on tight to her, held on to her because she was so close to slipping, she needed someone else to do the holding on for her.

"It's ok, you're safe." I whispered into her ear. I didn't know what had her like this but ther was copious amouts of fear behind it.

"Bella, you're safe. I'm hear." I promised into her ear.

"Bella, breath." I begged for her to calm, I coulod hear the panic set in my own voice at this creature below me.

Her hands pulled away form her face and wrapped around my neck and I felt her tears on my skin, at my face and my neck.

I didn't care, she could shed all the tears she needed too on me if that was what she needed.

I 'sushed' her, tired to sooth her and held on tight.

Eventually, afters some time, she calmed, my words eventually taking effect and her breathing retuned to normal.

Pulling away from her I could see the flash of panic sweep across her face once again but I reached for her hand as I climbed below the covers and pulled her into me, flush against once another, chest to chest, forehead to forehead, eye to eye.

I let my fingers sweep away the strands of damp brown hair from her face, her beautiful face full of pain, but none the less beautiful for it.

We looked at one another, I tried to think of what could have made her scream like that but it didn't matter, not just now, the only thing that mattered right now, was that she was calm, she could breath without fear and that she wasn't screaming.

I would ask her about it later, when she was able.

"I'm sorry." she whispered, her words warm on my face. She broke her eye contact, making them fall away form mine.

"You don't need to apologize." I whispered back to her. She had nothing to be sorry for.

I tapped the bottom of her chin with my index finger, making her eyes meet mine once again.

"Are you ok?" I was still worried about her, how she got into that state, _what had casued that state._

She gave an almost invisible nod in return.

I knew she would need sleep but I wasn't forcing her, not if that was the result.

I reached up behind me, switching on my radio alarm, it was all I had plugged in so far, and I turned the volume down to a gentle tone for her.

I wrapped my arms back around her and we lay like we had once again.

"Thank you." she whispered.

I shook my head, waving off her thanks. I didn't need them, I wanted to help her.

* * *

I woke up in bed and Bella wasn't with me anymore.

I could smell food cook from the other side of the apartment though, and I knew she was still here, she was still with me, she hadn't sneaked out after I had watch her fall asleep, myself giving into the warm slumber also.

I heard a smash and a curse and got out of bed heading to find Bella.

"Morning." I mumbled carefully out to the open space, but I couldn't see her.

She jumped to her feet from behind the kichen counter with a smashed mug in her hand and a sorry smlie on her face.

"I didn't mean it. It was an accident." she told me, refering to the broken mug in her hand.

I laughed a little at her face, "It's fine. Most of it is going anyway. I only brought it until I got a chance to get new stuff." I shrugged.

"Thank god, I don't mean to sound mean, but that was one ugly mug anyway." her smile got bigger.

"It was a graduation present from Alice." I told her and her face turned to horror, like the one I had saw from her in the middle of the night.

"Really, don't worry. I have been trying to break it since she got me the damn thing." I laughed as I walked up to her, placing my hand on her shoulders and trying to relax her.

"What are you doing anyway?" I asked as I looked around at the mess of my kirchen.

"You…you were so nice to me. I just wanted to…I don't know make it up to you, I thought I would make you breakfast." she bit on her lip nervously.

I don't know why I did it, but I did. I reached for her lip and gently and pulled it out from her teeth with my finger before I reached down and kissed her on the forehead.

I suppose I could see it as trying to ease her, relax her a little. She did still seem pretty tense.

I noted that she now only wore my t-shirt, the hooded top now discarded to the couch, next to my makeshift bed.

Reaching for her arms I slid my hands down them.

_Warm_

It was good to feel after she had been so hard to heat up last night.

She glanced up at me in surpise at no doubt the kiss and the way I had touched her.

"You're warm." I told her.

She smiled shyly and blushed. "I thought I would cook up what you had in the fridge." she shrugged as she pointed to the cooking bacon and eggs.

"Thank you, but you know you really didn't have too do that."

"But you were nice to me." she told me with a little bit of sadness in her words. "I wanted too."

I nodded, accepting her words.

"Do you have another mug?" she asked as she lifted up part of the broken one.

I smiled. "I only had the two."

She placed her hand on her forehead. "Shit, I'm sorry. I'm such a fuck up. I'll buy you a new one." she promised in a rush.

"It's fine, I need to buy new crockery and all that anyway. I was going to do it this week."

"I'll buy you it." she rushed out again.

"What crockery? I will get it myself, don't worry, it was only an ugly looking mug." I told her.

"That Alice bought you."

"Yeh, well she also gave you that skirt, doesn't make it a good idea." I joked but I crossed the line, I could tell from the look on her face.

I saw her pull back, away from me. "That was a joke." I tried to explain.

She nodded up, her eyes full of hurt. "I know." you could hear the broken tone and I hated my self instantly for ever saying it. Why did I say it?

She reached past me, picking up a plate and filling it up without saying another word and handed me it.

I could feel the air go cold again and I wondered if it was me, if it was my cold attitude that could turn her to ice. I reached out to her, her arm still warm.

I sighed and put down the plate and took the other plate out of Bella's hand too.

I pulled her into me, wrapping my arms around her shoulders, trying to apologize for my comment.

"I really shouldn't have said that." I admited.

"Said what?" she tried to pretend she didn't know what I was talking about.

"That arsehole comment about your skirt."

"It's fine Edward. Do you really think I dont know what people think about me?"

"I don't think that about you."

"And what is that?" she asked, she was tying me up here but I had said so many things to her last night, so many hurtful things, I called her a slut, trash and god knows what else. It just pained me to see her flaunt herself like that for a bit of seedy attention. She deserved better.

"I said a lot of bad things last night. I'm sorry. I really didn't mean them, I don't think that of you, I just don't want to see you…I don't know hurt, or something. Alice spoke to me on the phone, told me not to judge you but I did, I listened to the rumours and the gossip and I shouldn't have. I can see that things aren't as simple as that. I'm sorry."

She pulled away. "And what makes you think things aren't as simple." she bit at me slightly.

"Last night…." I sighed. That was everything. She knew what I was talking about.

"Well we can just forget about that, cant we." she said as she picked up the plate, filling it with bacon and egg.

"No, I can't." she looked up at me, no doubt surprised at my firmness.

"I said forget it." she practically growled.

"And I said, no." I told her just as firm as I had done last time.

* * *

**_a/n: Please, Please, Please review!!! xx_**

**_Any Guesses on Bella yet?_**


	5. You Were Made To Go Out And Get Her

**a/n: some crazyprickybastardyward for you! please let me know what you think**

* * *

**You Were Made To Go Out And Get Her**

**EPOV**

"Ready to go?" I asked her as I came back through the door of the lounge area. I had went for a quick shower and got changed after telling Bella that I would drive her to get her truck in Port Angeles.

She looked up from her spot on the couch with a small smile on her face that didn't quite look completely genuine but I suppose I couldn't blame her, she had a bad nights sleep and it seemed as if she was having some difficulty processing it.

She sat there bundled up in my clothes that she had slept in, the baggy hooded top back on and my jacket that I had given her last night to wear.

"Is it ok if I wear your jacket, I'm a little cold and its wet outside." She shrived at the thought and I nodded.

She looked better than she did last night, she was wrapped up with layers and layers of clothes and she looked warm and she wasn't leaving herself open to passing perverts. I couldn't say no to that. It made me a lot more comfortable knowing she was dressed and warm.

She sat in the passengers side of the Volvo once again as we drove to Port Angeles. She was quiet as she looked out the window, she seemed to be in her own little world and I wondered if it was nice there or if there was something that was part of that world that caused her to act the way she did.

"What will you tell your dad when you get back home, he would have been worried about where you were." I was positive he would have, he was concerned about her at the hospital, I didn't see it as some act.

"He's not home, he's away fishing for the weekend." she whispered out.

Last night she told me she had to go home with me because her father would be mad if he saw her in the state she was in, that's why I let her come back to mine. She had lied. She lied right to my face and I believed her.

She took me for a mug.

"You said he would be mad if he saw you like you were last night." I reminded her of her lie.

I saw her nod her head a little as I continued driving. "I know. I'm sorry I lied."

Least she was admitting it and was apologizing. "Why did you lie?"

Why did she not just tell me the truth, why didn't she just go home? Did she want to get into my apartment, did she want to see if she could get to Alice through me?

She was quiet, I didn't know if she was thinking of her next lie or if she just didn't want to admit the truth.

I asked her again. "Bella, why did you lie?" I tried to be gentle but I was still pissed she lied.

"I didn't want to be alone. You pulled me away from that guy and you were going to leave me at my empty house."

Was she going with that guy last night just so she wouldn't be alone?

She sighed and it sounded so tired. "After the hospital the other day…my dad was going fishing with his friend but after what happened with the bike, they took his son with him, they think I'll…I don't know, lead him astray or something. I do something wrong, Charlie tries to give me a time out or something for the weekend and keeps my friend away. He went fishing, so he took Jake with him."

"Jake is your friend?" I tried to clarify.

She nodded again. "He's the only friend I have left after I wasn't allowed to see Alice."

I felt bad for her, she seemed so alone.

"Why don't you like being alone?" I asked her.

She never said anything, she only looked up at me as if I was completely stupid. I looked back at her at, it was the first time since we got in the car that we actually really looked at one another.

I could tell from her look she didn't want to be alone because she knew the nightmare was coming.

"Do you have a lot of nightmares?" I asked carefully.

"Do we have to talk about it?" she sighed heavily.

"The fact you lied to me; Yeh, we kinda do need to talk about it." I told her sharply.

"Would you have let me stay if I didn't lie and promise to tell you about Alice." I knew she was right. She would have been booted out my car on onto her front door step.

"Couldn't you just have told me the truth?"

She scoffed "And have you think I'm crazy, besides what if I didn't have a nightmare, you would have thought I was a liar then."

"As opposed to the liar I know you are now?"

She frowned and saw my point. "You wouldn't have listened…" she told me, sure of herself.

"Maybe not, but you wouldn't be a liar."

"Liar, slut, mad, drunk. Does it matter? People will believe what they want to. They don't want to bother with the truth because that's too real for them."

One thing I was sure of, Bella Swan was smart.

"What is the truth?" I asked gently.

She leaned her head against the door and closed her eyes. "It's something people don't want to hear."

* * *

We drove the rest of the journey in silence. I asked a few more questions but Bella ignored me.

I wanted to get angry and mad, shake the answers out of her but I knew it would do no good. Whatever was haunting her, she was keeping it quiet.

I wonder if Alice knew her secret, the two were close and Alice's co called "powers" might have picked up on her reasoning.

Could I call Alice and ask her? Would that even be fair to put her in that position or would it be fair to know something about Bella when she tried so hard to hide it.

I knew it would be better out in the open, but it was still up to her to make that decision herself. She needed to move forward, not be pushed over the edge.

Pulling up beside her parked truck she jumped out of my car, slamming the door closed and getting into hers in record time. She was in and had her door closed by the time I got out my own door and around to her truck door.

She never spoke as she got out, not a thank you or anything. Not that it mattered. I didn't want one. I was only concerned about her.

I knocked on her truck window and she rolled it down.

"Are you going to be ok getting home?"

"I can drive my truck." she told me flatly.

"I know, I just mean…" I sighed. "Are you going to be ok when you get home." Charlie still wasn't home and wouldn't be for the night and I was worried. I saw how she was as she slept and when she woke up. She was utterly terrified.

"I'll survive." she shrugged.

I wanted to ask if she really would. If she really would survive it?

Instead she started up the engine and reversed back and disappeared out onto the road.

Sitting back in my car I didn't know if I did the right thing. If I had done the right thing on letting her drive off home alone.

Something told me I would come to regret it.

But it was ridiculous, she was eighteen, she didn't need to be baby sat, she didn't need me to be looking after her.

I put the car into gear and headed for home. I still had an apartment to get into order.

I reached the apartment about an hour later. It felt so generic with the packed boxed and the sparse walls. It didn't seem as bad when Bella was in it with me, it obviously needed more bodies in it too look liveable.

Placing my keys down on the bubble wrapped coffee table, I made a start.

I took the box of clothes and placed them in my room, filling my walk in closet. The built in drawers and rails saved me a shed load of patience, not having to order that stuff. I filled the drawers with boxers, socks and some t-shirts. I hung the rest up, saving them from crushing. The cupboard was huge and my clothes didn't even take up a third of the space.

I tided my bed up and wondered if I should wash the covers. Bella had slept in it. It wasn't as if she was dirty, she wasn't, she smelled of lavendar and the covers still held her scent. It was nice in a kind of weird way. I left them, knowing I was putting too much thought into what other people would be thinking if they noticed her smell on them. She had slept in my bed - end of. Besides no one was going to find out. It was more than my jobs worth.

I went back through to the lounge and saw her skirt and t-shirt in a heap behind one of the boxes. They still belonged to her, I couldn't throw them away, as tempting as it was to chuck the skirt, I wouldn't.

I unwrapped the coffee table, tossing the bubble wrap to the side, knowing I would get it later.

I moved onto the "party box" as Bella called it and lifted it up. I didn't drink much. I did drink, I just did it when I was out with friends. I had most of this drink from my twenty-first but it just hadn't been drunk yet despite that being two years ago.

I walked over to the cupboard to put it in and when I opened it, the bottle of Belvidere was gone. _The vodka was gone._

I had taken it out of Bella's hand last night and put it in here. _She saw me do it._

I slammed the door closed again knowing fine well who had taken it.

I was so mad at myself for not being smart enough to her. She had snuck it out below all the layers of my fucking clothes, and it cradled right next to her as I drove her to her truck.

I thought I had been taken for a mug after the lie from last night. I felt like a total idiot now knowing she had screwed me over completely.

I had trusted her to wander around my apartment and she took advantage if that and stole from me. I didn't care about the damn vodka, it was the whole principle of the matter.

I reached for my car keys and headed for her house. I knew where she lived.

Charlie had lived in the same house all of his life and I couldn't in vision him moving while I had been away.

I ran down the path, determined to pull her up for this, for her to know exactly how I felt and to tell her exactly what I thought about her.

She would be laughing at me, her and some friend would be knocking it back having a good old time to there selves.

I was an idiot.

What would people think of me giving Bella swan the benefit of the doubt. They would be laughing at me.

I sped all the way to her house before I screeched on the breaks outside her house.

There was a light on up stairs and I guessed it to be her room. Her truck was also parked out side so I assumed she was still in. All I knew was Charlie was out, that he was away.

I rattled my fist off the door. Anger pumping through me.

I was mad. I couldn't seem to calm down. I was going to give her hell.

There was n o answer so I banged on the front door once again.

I gripped my hair, trying to keep a hold of myself. _I had let her into my house, I let her sleep in my bed._

_Fucking idiot_.

There was no answer but I was sure she would be in. I wasn't going to start calling on her from the front door, her father didn't need to hear that when he got back and my father didn't need to hear about that either.

I tried the front door because I knew Charlie was gone and I was certain Bella was in.

It was open and I slowly opened the door, looking around the street out side. No one was around so I took my chance.

I crept in, I didn't know why I was being so quiet, I knew once I saw her a was going to start shouting at her.

But it was dark and some how I just seemed to prowl around silently.

I felt stupid, if I got caught sneaking around the Chief of Polices house I was going to get my ass arrested but I had to make her see what she did was wrong.

Beginning on the first stair, I made my way up, inching myself up against the wall in the darkness. Reaching the landing I saw a small strip of light poking below the door I presumed led to Bella's room.

I only hoped of my sake she wasn't screwing some guy in there.

I reached for the door hands and threw the door open.

Bella was laying out on the bed sleeping.

I gave her a hard shove to waken her. "Bella, get up, now." I practically screamed.

Looking down on the floor I found the bottle of vodka. It had about two thirds of it missing.

Had she drank all of that straight?

She lay on her bed, passed out in nothing more than the little boy shorts she wore the night before and my t-shirt.

I shook her, trying to waken her. "Bella." my tone becoming worried.

Her tiny body wouldn't be able to drink that amount of alcohol, it shouldn't be able too.

There was no response from her.

I felt panic sweep through me.

What had she been thinking?

_She had done this on purpose._

I tried to waken her up by slapping her gently around the face. I couldn't make myself do it any harder. I was too scared in case I broke her, in case I hurt her.

"Bella, wake up." I begged her as I shook her again.

I check her vitals, they were all pretty good despite what she had done to herself but I couldn't leave her.

She was unconscious and she wouldn't wake up for a while.

I thought about taking her to the hospital but I would be pulled up for it. How do I explain how I found her. She has on my t-shirt for Christ sake.

I pulled at my hair, trapped.

I had no clue what to do. I would be sacked before I even begun at the hospital.

Looking around I saw my jacket, it lay at the foot of her bed and I picked it up.

I had to take her with me. I couldn't risk being found by the Chief of police in his daughters bedroom while she was passed out.

What the fuck was she pulling me into here.

I let out a groan in pure frustration of what was right and what was wrong.

I had to take her with me. I couldn't leave her, she might be sick and choke on her own vomit, her tongue.

Gently lifting her up I cradled her in my arms, her head falling back. I held on to her like a new born as I fought with my jacket, trying to wrap it around her.

I cradled her into me as I thought. I needed to get her out of here and into my car without anyone seeing. It was dark now though so I had that on my side at least.

Pulling her close into my chest I lifted her up and headed for the door, slowly climbing back down the stairs, I made it to the front door. Looking through the window at the side of the door I couldn't see anyone around. The street was empty.

I opened the door and quickly headed to my car as fast as I could praying no one would see me.

Opening the passenger door I slid her in and buckled her in before swiftly climbing into my side.

I could be getting my arse arrested for trying to save the Chief of polices daughter. I could only hope I wasn't spotted by anyone.

I drove straight to mine and I backed up the drive as far as I could to be covered by the shadows.

Sneaking in the shadows with a half naked gild in my hands - I had never felt so seedy in all my life.

I pulled her out, gently cradling her again, trying not to injure her, I fought not to hurt her arm anymore either as it hung by her side.

I reached the door and was thankful it wasn't a communal stairwell. I climbed them, and I felt her body temperature, she was cold and it was going to have to try to warm her back up again.

I thought about my joggers she had and the hooded top that she had wore earlier and that they must be in her bedroom some where.

Eventually I made it to my bedroom. I collapsed into the mattress with Bella still secure in my arms and still unconscious.

I could only let out a sigh that I hadn't been spotted. I was knackered. My nerves were on full alert, everything telling me I was crazy.

I was crazy, why was I helping this girl? She almost killed my sister, lied to me, stole from me…but there was still something…something about her, a riddle.

She was lost and she was broken and I wanted to help her, right now she was unconscious and still, I wanted to help her.

Was this how Alice had felt being with her, was she dragged along with her when all she wanted to do was help?

I slid myself up the bed and rested my back against the headboard all the time holding her tiny body into mine.

I should have tossed her onto the floor, the couch if she was lucky. But all I wanted to do was cradle her, watch over her constantly and I didn't know why.

I was still so mad at her for everything she had done, for everything she had done to Alice. _I couldn't forget that._

Her breaths were shallow and even, her body was so consumed by alcohol it was the only thing she was capable of.

I brushed strands of her hair away from her face.

You wouldn't think she had done all she had, with the look on her face. She looked like an angel. Her perfect pale skin was flawless.

But she stunk of vodka. Her nice smell of lavender was gone, in its place was the reek of drink. It was disgusting. It snapped me back to reality, this is what Bella swan was; A reeking drunk liar.

* * *

The entire night I watched over her. I listened to her breathing, I watched the rise and fall of her chest and I pressed my fingers to her neck checking her pulse constantly.

She was warm, she was breathing and she was beginning to stir.

I had let her rest in my bed as I watched over her, I didn't even feel tired, every cell in my body was alive with panic and worry for this girl.

She began to retch in her sleep and I instantly grabbed hold of her, not caring to be gentle anymore, and dragged her through to the bathroom next door.

I let her slide to the floor as she slumped down towards the toilet, still all the time retching.

"You're sick, you do it in the toilet." I shouted to her.

Her trembling body reached forward, pulling herself up as she began to throw up.

"Yeh, it's a real attractive look, is this how you get all the guys?" I taunted her. She deserved it. _I was so angry._

She pulled harder at the toilet as she began to empty her stomach for the second time.

Her cast arm digging into her stomach, no doubt in agony.

She was like a ball on the floor, she was a mess and she was pathetic.

_Why did she do this to herself?_

I couldn't even be bothered to ask her. I wouldn't have got much or a response with the condition she was in anyway.

Once I was sure she had finished throwing up I picked her up tossing her into the bath and turning on the shower.

She still wore her underwear and my t-shirt as she shivered in the lukewarm water as I tried to waken her up.

"It…It's cold." she complained as she tried to climb out from under the spray.

Her teeth chattered but she would warm up again.

"I don't give a damn, Bella." But I turned it off knowing she would have had enough and not wanting to harm her.

I threw a towel at her and she didn't even move, her cheek resting against the tub, her eyes closed.

I gave her a few more moments as I watched her but she still didn't move from the spot and she would have been getting colder. Her teeth were still chattering.

Having had enough I rubbed at her hair trying to get rid of most of the moisture. I rubbed the towel across her exposed skin too before I reached for a couple more towels and wrapping one around her shoulders.

Lifting her up I threw her over my shoulder, her ass almost completely exposed in her shorts in her bend.

I wasn't caring. _She did this, not me._

She groaned at the movements but I was sure she wouldn't be sick anymore, I really didn't see her stopping to eat food when she was hell bent on getting herself trashed on vodka. All she would have had to eat was the tiny amount of egg and bacon that she had ate.

I placed her back down on the bed with another groan coming from her.

"Just leave me alone." she half gritted out. She tried pushing me away but she had no strength in her, in her state.

I had to get her dry. I couldn't leave her in that t-shirt, as tempting as it was to leave her to shiver in her own filth, I had to help her.

"Bella, sit up." I snapped at her, pure frustration rushing through me.

Why did she do this? Why would she do this to herself?

"Leave me alone." she tried to fight me off again as she broke down, the tears making there way out.

"Bella I need to get you dry. I need to get you warm, okay?" I tired to be a little bit gentler, try to let her see what I was saying.

I pulled on her shoulders, lifting her up into sitting. She slumped forward and off to the side a little but she still held herself up.

"I'm going to change your t-shirt ok?" she was perfectly comfortable flaunting her chest in front of me last night.

"No." she rushed out panicked.

"Bella, Bella, look at me." I Ordered her gently. I didn't want her to panic or freak out that I was going to try and take advantage of her in the state she was. Her eyes slowly met mine and eventually focused.

"I need to change your t-shirt, okay." she shook her head a little and more tears poured from her eyes.

"I wont look." I promised to her. "Remember last night. I'm a doctor, seen it all before." I tried to sound light and casual, hoping it would relax her. She nodded and her body shifted forward a little more as she relaxed.

I pulled at the wet material, pulling it up and off of her head. I got her towel and dried her off a little more, all the time fighting to keep eye contact with her so she knew I wasn't looking at her.

I helped her into another t-shirt of mine before I wiped gently at her face, wiping the tears away.

I didn't know what I was thinking, to throw her in the shower like I had. I just want her to suffer a little, for her to realize what she had done. I wanted her to wake up so I could check over her better but I had soaked he clothes, and though we had managed her t-shirt, she still wore her wet underwear.

I had put myself into the stupidest position yet. And I had no one to blame this time.

"Bella, do you trust me?" I wouldn't blame her if she didn't. I wouldn't trust someone like me, I had kidnapped her from her own bed as she slept and threw her in a cold shower.

What was I thinking? _What reasoning was in my head in that moment?_

But she nodded, telling me yes.

I sighed because there was some part of me desperate for her not to trust me.

"I need to take off your underwear…" as soon as I said it I heard a pained cry leave her lungs.

"Ok, ok. I wont do it, not if you don't want me to." I panicked out.

_Fuck_

_Fuck_

_Fuck_

She collapsed back into the mattress, sobbing and I felt like a total bastard, a seedy perverted bastard.

I pulled myself up the mattress beside her, making her look at me. I placed my hand on her cheek and wiped away her tears with the pads of my thumbs.

"I'm sorry, I got mad and I just threw you in. I want to get you warmed up though and I really am sorry, but you need to get out of your shorts." she sobbed harder but she nodded, taking in my words.

"I promise I wont do anything you don't want me to do though, ok." she continued to sob but she nodded again.

"I will cover you with a towel and I will take them off." I knew there would be no way she could do it by herself, she couldn't even sit up. "I wont look, just like last time. I'm not that guy Bella, I wont hurt you. I know I was stupid to do this to you but I'm trying to help you now." I meant every word of it.

Seeing the pain I had put her in, I wanted to cry for her.

I felt like such a worthless prick for ever doing this to her, for letting my anger get away from me that I caused her pain. I could tell she had already had her full of that in this life.

She nodded and I moved quick, for this to be over for her. She was weak and defenceless against me and she didn't know what I was capable of. I could see the fear in her eyes like never before.

I placed the towel over her bottom half and sat up a little.

Fixing my eyes on to hers she looked right into me, it was as if she was looking into my very being, a completely new connection that I had never had with anyone else before. Before I knew it I had removed the damp material.

Wrapping the towel around her waist, she relaxed a little and I pulled her back into me, my arm wrapping around her just like I had done when she woke from her nightmare.

"I'll get you something to cover yourself up, okay." she nodded and when I pulled away form her, her eyes stayed trained on me, following me into my closet. Pulling a pair of boxers out of a drawer I made my way back to her.

"Ok, I know, I'm a geek." I held the most ridiculous pair I could find in some vain attempt to make this not as painful for her. "Spiderman." I shrugged at the little character dotted all over them. "One word; Alice." and I rolled my eyes.

She let out the smallest watery laugh and I almost burst with happiness.

Edging myself on the bed I reached for her hand and placed my larger one over her tiny one.

"Last step, Bella, then you will never have me near you like that again, okay." she nodded again and I couldn't help but want to hear her speak, for some words to come from her again.

I argued with myself that I could have done a lot more harm to her putting her thought this, what if something bad had happened to her, what if she was abused or raped. What damage could I be causing to her if that was the case.

I didn't want to think about it because I didn't want to ever think about Bella having to go through that. I would kill them, if anyone touched her like that, I would go after them, _there blood would be mine._

"I promise, my eyes will only look into you're beautiful brown ones, okay?"

She nodded again.

I looked down briefly at her ankles as I fought on the material before I instantly shifted my gaze and told her I was going to pull them up.

Her body trembled below me as I passed her knees "Bella, I'm not going to hurt you or touch you anyway you don't want to be, ok, but if you don't want me to go up any further just tell me and I wont."

She bit her lip but my eyes never left hers. "It's ok." she let out in an inaudible whisper.

"You want me to pull them up?" I clarified and she nodded.

They were instantly up and I pulled away the towel from her waist, throwing it to the floor.

I could see her relax into the bedding and I felt glad that it was over with, that I wasn't causing her anymore distress.

I lay down beside her and pulled me in to her, her cheek resting on my t-shirt covered chest.

"Are you ok?" I asked, combing hair out of her face.

She nodded into me and I could feel her breath return to normal as her sobbing eased but never actually stopping.

"Thank you…for everything." she whispered out into the room.

This wasn't over, and as soon as she was able, I was finding out exactly why she did what she did.

* * *

_**a/n: kaaaay!! so what you thinking - thinking i'm mad or you still enjoying it?! **_

_**Please - I beg of you - review!!! xx**_


	6. You Have Found Her, Now Go And Get Her

**a/n: thanks for the love, but keep it coming, I need it so bad! **

**Enjoy xx**

* * *

**You Have Found Her, Now Go And Get Her**

**EPOV**

She lay shivering in a ball in the middle of my bed, but it wast because she was cold. I actually had no idea why she was shivering, as a doctor, I thought perhaps the alcohol, as a witness to her actions, I was positive that it was some deep rooted issue.

But what?

_What makes a human being do that to themselves?_

I looked at her and she looked so shattered. She was exhausted.

Pulling her into me, tighter, she seemed to relax a little. I stroked her face with the backs of my fingers, trying to sooth her, trying to ease whatever nightmare she was living, because there was no doubt about it, what ever she had dreamt off, she had lived through. I would put my life on it.

"You should try for some sleep. You were unconscious but you're body didn't get the rest it needed." She had literally lay there, her mind and body, both paralysed from the alcohol.

"I don't want to sleep." she mumbled into my chest.

"I'll be right here, I wont let anything bad happen to you, okay?"

She shook her head.

I sighed, she needed sleep. This was why she looked the way she did, she needed proper rest, not to knocked herself out into oblivion with drink.

"You either sleep or we talk about what happened." I bargained.

She pulled away from me, searching my face to see if I was being serious.

She took her bottom lip between her teeth and the sad expression intensified but I wasn't budging.

I looked back at her, staring her out. "I'll sleep." she told me before she pulled herself into my side and closing her eyes.

She fell asleep not long later as I tried to encouraged sleep by stroking the side of her head, trying to lull her into her needed rest.

* * *

She woke a few hours later looking a little fresher for her sleep and like I told her, I didn't let anything bad happen to her either, her sleep being pretty uneventful.

She had gripped at me in her sleep as if she wasn't going to let go but there was only a small amount of mumbling going on so I let her be. I didn't sleep, to afraid that something would happen to her and it would be my fault.

I had made her coffee and walking back through to the bedroom I heard her on the phone talking. "I did it again, I'm sorry. Just don't tell dad, you know what he's like." I heard her speak. "Don't worry though, I'm fine, someone is...he's looking after me. He's nice like that." I heard her sigh.

I didn't know if I should be listening in. I wasn't really, I was just trying to give her space as she spoke. It was clear she had someone she felt like she could talk to about it, but why weren't they doing something about it?

She began again "He's nice, not like the others." who ever it was I assumed they knew how her other relationships went with men, I hopped they knew about her hanging around with older men.

I pushed in the door, not wanting to seem like I was actually eavesdropping.

She hung up as I came in. "Who was on the phone?" I asked trying to see if she would talk about it.

She just shrugged. "My mum. Answer phone."

I nodded "It's pretty late in Florida. She will probably be sleeping." I assured her. I was a little surprised she told her mum, but I suppose she was in Florida, it wast as if she could actually do anything in that moment. Though I did hope she was trying to do something.

Handing her her coffee. "Here, I have a couple of pain killers for you to help with your head." I pulled the bottle out of my pocket and poured a couple onto my hand before passing her them and pulling out another small bottle of water that somehow managed to fit into the pocket of my jogging bottoms.

She took them and eased back into the bedding with her coffee.

"Thank you...for everything." she repeated her words from earlier.

"You don't need to thank me, I just want to know what made you do it."

She shrugged. "I think I would just rather thank you." she mumbled.

"You can't run away from it like that. It won't make it any better." I tried to reason.

"But it might help me forget." she slouched further into the covers and it hurt to think that she thought that this was the best way to handle it, that she could just forget about it and switch off her feelings.

"Bella, why did you do it? Why did you drink all that vodka. You knew what it would have done to you."

She would have knew what she was doing, It had been in her notes. She had her stomach pumped before, she had tried to do this before.

She never spoke. Instead she placed down her mug on the floor before hiding below the covers, her eyes glazed over in the process.

"Bella...." I was begging her, I was pleading with her, some kind of answer.

I reached below the covers too, following her under and pulling her towards me once again.

I felt her arms wrap around my neck as tears began to fall from her eyes, making my t-shirt wet.

I kissed her temple, letting her know I was there. "I'm sorry about what I did to you earlier, but I don't want you to think that you can't trust me, you can. I just got mad. You did something daft and so did I." I tried for her to see that we were both wrong.

"It wasn't daft." she told me.

"It was, I should never have put you in the shower like that. I'm -"

"No, what I did, it wasn't daft, don't tell me that. I had a reason." she bit firmly, sure of herself.

"What?" I asked taken back by her tone and the look on her face.

"I knew what I was doing. I had a reason." her voice got higher.

"And what was that?" I pushed.

She pushed away from me, sitting up and looking out the window.

"What was your reason, Bella?" I gritted my teeth. Why wouldn't she just tell me.

She remained quite, her eyes never moving.

I pulled at my hair, I had to know why she did it. I pulled on her arm, bringing her closer to me and her eyes went wide as she looked up at me."You need to tell me."

She wet her lips as she thought about it. "I don't want to dream. I don't want to be alone when that happens." she whispered out, ashamed.

"Do they come a lot?" I asked carefully.

A silent nod was all she gave before she huddled herself back into the covers.

I followed her, mimicking her actions and keeping myself at her eye level, I didn't want her to think I was looking down on her.

"What do you dream about?" I tried to keep my voice low.

The look on her face was devastating, those brown eyes looking completely consumed with some sort of grief.

She never answered me so I asked another question. "What you do to yourself, you know what that is, right?"

She shrugged again and I hated the silence that came from her.

"What you are doing is self-harming, you are abusing alcohol to purposely poison yourself." She might not be an alcoholic, a desperate need for it but she did have some sort of dependency on it, for it to help her get through her life, she wasn't cutting into her skin or burning herself but what she was doing was just as dangerous. This was her release, physical pain wasn't her outlet, she had to make herself unconscious just so she could rest in peace.

"That's the label they like to slap on it." she shrugged, as if she had heard it all before.

"What label do you give it?" I asked.

"Release. Just a night without the pain, without having to remember, with out having those flashbacks." Tears began to slide from the corners of her eyes and all I wanted to do was to try and make it better some how, for her to be able to cope with whatever trauma she had suffered.

"Bella, do you want to tell me what happened?" I tried again, my tone so soft that I prayed it would relax her, but again she only shook her head, answering me no.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't make her, I couldn't force her to tell me and make herself relive whatever followed her.

I cupped her face as I thumbed her cheeks, brushing away her few tears that had escaped.

There was something there, in that moment, a spark of something undeniable, a connection.

I wanted to hold her close, take away her pain and never let her go again and never let a bad dream hurt her like that had. I wanted to take whatever memory it was away.

Her intense, glassy brown eyes were tired, purple marks still sat below them.

_I wanted to make it better._

I reached down and gently kissed her forehead.

She looked in shock as I pulled away and I didn't know why, was it the affection I was showing her that was so surprising?

She pulled away, up from my arms despite my tight hold trying to keep her with me.

"I...I should go. Charlie will be back. He will wonder what happened to me." Standing up she looked down at herself, at my clothes on her.

"Don't go just yet." I begged. I didn't want her to go, I still had so many question for her.

"I need to go." she snapped. "And I need something to wear. You fucking kidnapped me." The realization of what I actually done apparent on her face.

"I could have saved your life." I spat back with the same sharp tone she had given me as I jumped out from my bed.

"We'll I didn't ask for you to do it."

"I didn't ask for you to steal from me but you still did it." I reminded her.

"I'll buy you another bottle of vodka." she growled at me.

"That's not the point." I yanked at my hair begging for composure to come back to me, for me to be that guy that was in the bed a few moments ago.

She rolled her eyes at me, making me reel with anger at her flippant attitude.

"Why don't you just go and buy it and keep it for yourself, wash away your shitty life with alcohol, see if I could give fuck." I shouted right in her face.

Every thought, every memory and every story of what I had heard about this girl came flooding back to me.

"Just keep away from me and my family. We don't need you dumping your shit on us any more. If Alice emails you, you ignore it, you never got it, you forget that you ever knew her."

"Don't you speak to me as if you know what happened between Alice and me. You know nothing." she yelled back.

I knew everything, I knew what she had done to my baby sister. "You fed her tequila and cocaine until she was almost dead. You took it to her and you gave her it. You almost killed her, you and your fucked up mind."

Her breath caught in her throat, shock.

"I know all about you." I sneered.

"No you don't. You don't know shit. You just like to think you do." She shouted back, her anger rising and her shock leaving her.

"I know what you did to my sister." How could she think she could just get away with it, how did she ever think that I wouldn't know all about her?

"I never made her do anything she didn't want too." she tried to argue. She had lead her astray, as crazy as my sister was, she knew right from wrong.

"You gave her cocaine after getting her trashed on tequila just like you did with the vodka today. You pulled her down to your fucking level."

"She took it herself, I didn't force her. Besides, it was an accident. She wasn't meant to take it all." Her words seemed panicked, she seemed stressed but she wast getting any of my sympathy now.

It all came flooding back to me. Why they hell did I let this girl get close to me in the first place?

"She shouldn't have taken anything, she should have never been given it in the first place." I roared at her.

Her tears grew heavy but I wasn't falling for it. "It was meant to be an escape." her voice whispered out.

"Like today? Is that what you were trying to do? Alice never had nightmares, she didn't need an escape, she didn't need alcohol like you think you do and she definitely didn't need cocaine."

"She is my friend and I made a mistake." how could she still be arguing this, how could she not see how wrong she was.

"Well some friend you are if that's what you go around doing. She doesn't need people like you in her life."

"Yes she does." she screamed at me, her tone and outburst surprising me. "You think you know it all, you don't know me and you don't know your sister as much as you would like to think you do."

I knew Alice, we were close. She was wrong, she was lying.

"I know Alice, don't you think you can lie to me. I know everything about her?"

"Do you?" she yelled, the look in her eyes told me I was wrong and that worried me.

"What don't I know then? What didn't she tell me?"

She stood there quiet, as if she knew she did wrong. Not by herself and not by me but by Alice. She looked panicked, she pulled at her own hair as she tried to look away from me but her eyes kept coming back to me as I watched her.

"What don't I know?" I asked calmer. I was missing something and Bella knew what.

"I need to go. I need to go home. Get me some bottoms and let me go."

I shook my head.

I walked up to her slowly and she inched herself backwards, away from me.

"Bella..." I was asking her, I needed to know.

She only shook her head, her silence returning to her.

Before I knew it I had grabbed her and had her up against the wall. My hands gripped the top of her arms and I knew I was hurting her but I couldn't let go. I knew it was wrong and the fear of Bella's face came back.

"Tell me why she needed an escape." I could hear growl escape from my chest.

She only shook her head again, she looked terrified of me.

I looked her in the eye and she looked right back to me, never blinking, her eyes like saucers.

I gave up and pushed her down on to the mattress of the bed before I could hear her break down and cry.

This girl held secret after secret and the fact she knew something about Alice that I didn't, that was my breaking point.

But I had pushed too far, I had tormented her after I had told her she could trust me. I couldn't tell what I would rather have from her now though, her trust or her fear.

She had already enough to fear in life and her time of sleep wasn't her own either, too consumed with nightmares, she struggled to get the rest she needed. She felt that she had to drink herself to almost death for rest.

I kicked at the wall in pure frustration.

I wanted to drag it out of her, even if it meant hurting her, but looking down at her, a heap on my unmade bed, I couldn't. I felt sick at myself for wanting to, to ever lay a bad hand on her.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and let my head drop between my legs. I needed control, Bella was right I had kidnapped her. It was only out of concern but I had still taken her from her own home, her own bed and now I was putting fear and blame into her and was refusing to take her home.

_I had felt like I had lost my mind._

Bella seemed some what reasonable and logical next to me, even her reasoning for harming herself like she did. It was wrong and a bad place to put yourself, doing that damage to yourself but it was herself that she was doing it too. Right now I was doing this to her, I was putting fear into her.

In her fear though she was so defiant. She wouldn't give in and tell we what I was missing when it came to Alice. She was a good friend on that I suppose, being reliant and keeping her secret but it wasn't good, because if it was enough to think she needed to escape with tequila and cocaine, she needed to tell someone else.

I could hear Bella's faint sniffles from behind me, it was me who caused that and the knowlage of that crippled my heart.

I eventually turned to see her, sat there in my t-shirt and those ridiculous boxers that Alice had bought me. I had to dress her into them after what I did to her. I had thrown her in the shower and had to dress her as she cried, clearly in great pain and distress. I had done so wrong to her already today but I still couldn't hold my anger, I had let it spin out of control for a second time and gripped at her, insinuating she should be afraid.

It was so fucked up.

"I'll take you home." I whispered out, the shame I held on myself seeping out with my words.

I got up and headed to my closet, pulling out another pair of jogging bottoms for her to wear. I placed them gingerly on the bed next to Bella, some hesitance as I did so, only because she shuffled a few inches back as I did. _She was scared of me._

I knelt down in front of her, not wanting to be towering above her as she sat on the middle of the mattress. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ever have touched you like that. You just manage to provoke something in me but I should never have done that. I never have before and I never will again. I promise."

She only nodded and I wanted to roar out again at her silence. Why was it every time she began to pull away from me, I felt like I was going too loose control. I kept quiet though because all it would cause for her not to trust me any more than she already did and I needed her trust. I needed her to think she could come to me if she needed someone, because she defiantly needed someone.

She looked away from me and slipped on the bottoms, my spiderman boxers being covered up in the process. Alice would be happy at that one. If they had been given to anyone else she would have been pissed, but I knew Bella would be different.

She stood up, looking down and I followed her eyes. Ten little bare toes.

God, she had nothing at all. I was going to have to try and find something for her.

I went back into the cupboard and I knew my huge trainers would be too big on her, I must have been almost ten sizes bigger than her. I found a pair of flip flops left over from some trip to distant seas and picked them up knowing they would be fine for her short trip to and from the car.

I handed them to her and she whispered out a small thanks before dropping them to the floor and shuffling her feet into them.

As she stood up I reached forward, touching her arm to see if she was warm enough and in her reaction, she flinched away from me.

I sighed with frustration again, it was becoming unbearable, every move I made caused a reaction in her. I wanted to go back to the bed when she had cuddled into my side without hesitation. I had liked that.

"I was only checking if you needed something else to keep warm."

"I'm fine." but I didn't believe her, she seemed to get cold quickly, she would be feeling warm from the alcohol but she still needed to make sure her body was still actually able to keep warm for going outside.

Reaching forward again, she let me touch her arm. I slid it up and down the length of the top of her arm trying to asses if she was hot or cold. She felt okay but any cold weather and she would shiver.

I hadn't noticed I still had my hand on her, I had seemed to be transfixed on the touch of her skin, she was so soft and feminine.

I only noticed when she cleared her throat and my eyes snapped up to hers.

"See, I wont hurt you. You can trust me." I shrugged, trying to pretend that I was only trying to make her comfortable. It would have been embarrassing if she knew the effects she had on me. She was a child.

I knew she wasn't actually a child, that she was an adult, she was eighteen but I was five years older than her and it felt wrong; she was the same age as Alice, my baby sister.

"I trust you." she whispered the words out just like she had with the 'thank you', full of something I didn't quite know what.

I reached into the wardrobe again and pulled out a zipped hooded top that would keep her warm. It would be cold in the car and I didn't want her to catch the cold, her hair was still damp from the shower and I didn't own a hair dryer so she could fix it.

She thanked me again as she placed it on, though it was ridiculous for her to thank me, it was me who stole her out her house and soaked the only few clothes she wore. It was the least I could do.

Eventually we made it out to the car and I pulled up outside her house by a few meters so we wouldn't be seen by the chief. I didn't want him to come out and me have to try and explain this one to him. By what I had heard around the town, Bella would be able to cover and make up some kind of story. I had saw it in her notes too, her covering up skills that none of the doctors quite believed.

She looked up at me, the look on her face said she wanted to say something, her mouth even moving to speak but nothing was said.

I saw her struggle, her battle of what to say, whether to thank me or hate me. "It's okay Bella." I shrugged. I didn't know if she liked me or loathed me, but either way, it was okay, if she liked me then that was good, if she loathed me, hated me, she was quite within her rights after today's events.

She nodded and gave a tight lipped smile before getting out of the car and walking up to her house. She disappeared inside quickly with the door closing behind her.

I didn't want to leave her, I didn't want him to be with, her father. I struggled to trust him after seeing and hearing all I had. I didn't blame him, he was obviously having a hard time with her and trying his best, and I couldn't believe him to be a bad man, just like I struggled to believe there was any bad in Bella, but it wasn't good enough. She was killing herself and he knew, he saw what she was doing and he had done nothing when he was able, when he was her legal guardian. Now she was an adult I couldn't help but think she would use it to her advantage and refuse any medical treatment in the future.

It was her right as a human being, to turn away medical help, but she needed it, she needed someone to tell her what to do before it was too late. I needed to try and figure away out to help her before she was gone for good.

* * *

It was Monday morning and the first day of my residency at the hospital. I had been looking forward to it, knowing I was helping people, but the stark reality that I couldn't help everyone stung in my mind with the image of Bella that burned my brain.

I couldn't help her, not really. Charlie should have stepped in months ago when he was able. He was the chief of police, he should have taken hold and handled the situation.

I tried not to let my anger at him boil too long. It wasn't going to help anyone, especially not Bella, but I was determined to find away to help her, to help her get though whatever haunted her.

By the time lunchtime came I had a stack of notes to work through before I passed them along to be signed off on.

I read through the pages of notes of one of the patients as my father came walking in to the empty room I used to read.

"Hows things going for you so far, son?" His voice called to me.

"Good, thanks." was all I mumbled to him in return as I read through line after line.

"Any questions?"

I shook my head as I tried to keep my focus.

But I did have questions, I had so many for him. After I had brought Bella to the hospital last week he seemed like he knew her situation pretty well and after reading the notes it was clear she had many visits to him and the other doctors. So why did they all act like Charlie. Why had no one done anything?

Thinking about her and knowing Charlie had done nothing when he still held her consent was frustrating. I wanted to know how he could get it back, for him to make the right choices this time.

Should I ask or not? Would he see through me and know why I was asking?

I had to take the chance because Bella deserved one last chance of her own.

"Do..do. How do you gain consent of someone?"

"What,?" he asked confused. "Like the sheet the patent signs off on before surgery?"

I shook my head. This wasn't going to be discreet at all.

"If you want to help someone but they don't want it, how can you make them?"

He took a seat across from me, studying my face as I let my eyes drop down to the chart in front of me trying to play it bloody casual, as if there was only curiosity behind my question.

"That's a pretty serious question to ask, Edward. You can't think it would be easy to do something like that. You would be taking away part of there human rights."

I nodded knowing I would be.

"Why are you asking that? There hasn't been any one that's came in today that would cause that question."

I nodded again knowing he was right and with it I could feel his blue eyes pierce me, looking for the answer.

"Edward, don't." he warned.

My head snapped up with the tone in his voice worrying me. "I was only asking a question." I pretended.

"You can't help her. Don't get pulled in by her. She's a sweet girl and we were all pretty fond of having her around despite what she tried to give out but she has serious issues and I thought after what happened with Alice, you would be the last person looking to help her."

I didn't know what to say. I knew there had to be some way to help her. She couldn't go on living like she did.

"It has nothing to do with her, I just want an answer to the question." I was a little firm on my words but I needed to know.

"They would need to be evaluated, there is a process but, Edward, you need to think what you're saying. How would you like it if someone didn't like the way you lived your life so took away your decisions. Its not an easy task and not one you should think of too lightly. People deserve to live how they choose too."

"But to try all the things she has, to do that to her body to hurt herself so far, to almost kill herself. Some of those actions have been suicide attempts and you know that." I felt like I was up against a brick wall. How could he seem so callous in his words, why wouldn't he try to make a difference.

"So it is Bella were talking about." he sighed and I knew I had been caught out after my little rant but I couldn't care. "Edward, she hasn't been in here for over a month with anything like that, maybe she is getting over it, maybe all she needed was time."

"Come on, don't kid yourself. You're a doctor, you know that isn't how these things work. You don't know if she has been harming herself, drinking herself into oblivion so don't pretend it isn't happening."

"And you know that she has? You know that there is cause for concern?" I was trapped with this one, I knew he wasn't going to be happy if I told him the truth but if I didn't I couldn't prove my point, I couldn't show that he was wrong.

I nodded a yes to him.

He pinched the bridge of his nose again trying to reign in his anger. "And how do you know this?"

I couldn't tell him the truth, I couldn't tell him she had been at mine and I defiantly couldn't tell him about the shower. "I saw her out, trashed. I told the barman she was under age and pulled her out the bar and drove her home."

It was all he needed to know.

"What the hell are you playing at? You are being watched here constantly, you can't do that."

"I'm not her doctor." I wasn't, today was my first official day here and I had never saw her as patient, the other day she was my dads patient, I just looked over her arm and her head.

He shook his head because he knew I was right, he knew I wasn't in any trouble, but I was getting close to it if I continued.

"Forget her, we can't help her, we tried. She didn't want help and her father let her have her wish."

"That's not right though, she doesn't know what she's talking about." I argued.

"She does, Edward. Something has happened to her but she wont speak of it, I think her father knows but he was only trying to give her what she wanted, but she does know what she's doing. I'm not saying what she does to herself is right, all I'm saying it is her choice."

"She should have had charges or something, drinking under age."

"Her dad is the chief of police, do you think I'm going to argue against that, I couldn't get any help for her because he would try to block it. He was her guardian but he knew all she wanted was to be left alone, so he let her. We don't know the full story, maybe he thinks it was the best for her."

"But it isn't, how could it be? How could not getting her professional help be better?"

"Because sometimes it doesn't work." he stated simply, as if she was just some kind of lost cause.

I stood up kicking the chair from behind me. They were all turning there backs to this girl, as if her pain never existed.

What were they thinking, did they think it would make her life easier or just there's. The chief seemed as if he was trying to sweep it under the carpet and my own father just relented to his wishes.

_It was so wrong._

I had to do something, I saw her face, I saw those tears. She couldn't just be left to live like that. It wasn't fair.

_There had to be something. _

* * *

**_a/n: ok people – I'm hoping this isn't sounding like a load of cheese! You know how much I hate that! Please review and let me know what you think._**

**_I think Edward is a little crazy and mixed up - what you think he thinks of Bella?_**


	7. Remember To Let Her Into Your Heart

_**a/n; oh get me, I'm back already. If your new to my writing please check out 'House of the Rising Sun' after this. It was fairly popular and had a lot of good feedback – and the sequel(written by demand) is being posted too.**_

* * *

**Remember To Let Her Into Your Heart**

**EPOV**

By the time I had finished my first day, I was spent. All I wanted was to get back home and away from the watchful eye of my father. I knew he was only concerned but I couldn't help think how he had let her down so much. It was his job to fix people, body or mind. Even if he wasn't able to do it himself he should have searched for a professional in the field, with or without the chiefs permission.

Pulling up outside my apartment I saw Bella's huge ridiculous truck parked. It didn't look like she drove it, she was so small and dainty, this was huge and a complete eyesore.

Getting out I saw her sat on the front step with a large box and a bag over her shoulder.

Looking down at her on her spot she looked up wearily and a little afraid. I stepped past her in silence as I opened the door as she watched before I nodded for her to go in.

Standing up she struggled to lift the box so I took it from her hands, letting her walk-in in front of me.

I placed the box down on the kitchen unit as I walked in before I looked back at Bella as she stood with her head down and playing with her hands.

"Bella..?" I let her name call into the room and her head snapped up looking at me.

She still looked scared, in fact she looked terrified, but I couldn't think why she would have came if she was still so scared of me.

She chewed on her lip for a moment as she thought her words.

"I got you dishes." she shrugged as she nodded to the box that I had taken off of her at the front door.

Glancing at it I nodded . "You know you didn't have too. I would have got some, but thank you."

"There really nice. If I had my own home I would pick them." she shrugged shyly with a small smile.

"Thank you." It was a nice token but it wasn't needed.

There was another awkward moment and I could see her mind thinking, ticking away.

"Oh, I washed all your clothes too." she said as she reached for the bag that was on her shoulder as she walked up to the unit.

"I don't know if you, you know, want your spiderman boxers back after I had wore them but you said Alice had bought you them." she stuttered out, her nerves peaking.

She pulled out the clothes and placed them on the unit, the boxers on top of the pile.

"I have your clothes to give back too, but I haven't had time to wash them." I felt a tad shit for shoving them in some corner after she had gone to the bother of washing mine and returning them.

I walked over and collected them from there spot, her t-shirt and skirt that she had left.

"Thanks." she mumbled out in response. "I also got you another bottle of Vodka." she pulled out the bottle from the bag, handing it over to me. It was the same one as she had drank. I didn't want it though. I didn't want a reminder of seeing her like that and what the liquid inside of this bottle was capable of doing to a human being.

I wanted to know who had sold it to her and if they really thought she was over twenty-one or if they were just trying to make money.

But I took it and thanked her for it, shoving it the same cupboard the last bottle had been stolen from.

She stood there again, hesitance and apprehension written all over her face.

She sighed a little before she began to speak "I know what you told me yesterday, but I have been in touch with Alice." She rushed out.

I looked at her in shock, not because she had been in-touch with my sister but the fear that seemed to lace her voice. Though I was still mad she had been in contact with her. Especially after I had told her never to speak to her again.

"Before you go crazy on me just let me explain. I was only trying to warn her that you might come asking her about that night and what happened." I knew what night she was talking about, the night she put my sister in hospital.

I felt anger boil inside me but I wouldn't let it take control. I couldn't. I had already told her I wasn't that person, I couldn't prove myself wrong. I had to be a better person.

I stood there and pretended that her words didn't affect me.

"And..?" was all I asked, because I knew Alice would have something to say about it.

"And...and she told me I was to tell you what happened, she said I needed to tell you why it happened. She said she's moved on from then, and that you need too as well."

I scoffed at her words but I knew they had came from my sister. Only Alice was brave enough to come at me with that kind of crap. But it _was_ me that still had the issue, it was me who freaked out about it yesterday and the fact that Bella knew something I didn't, that had sent me to the edge.

I rubbed at my face, knowing I was going to hear something I wasn't going to like. "Okay, go." I ordered her gently.

"So...Umm." she shook her head and began again., "There was this girl... Lauren, she was quite a bitch. She didn't like me, like really didn't like me and she didn't like Alice either." she sighed, no doubt that she had managed to start to get her words out, but she still looked up at me worried, as if she was waiting on some kind of reaction. "She would say stuff that we were like together, together." she motioned for me to understand that this girl had suggested they were intimate with one another.

"We weren't. Were not gay, we like guys, both of us." I nodded letting her knew I understood but to me, it didn't really matter.

"We were just close. You know what Alice is like, she would take my hand and we could hug and things like that, closer than normal but it was just how me and Alice were."

"What does this have to do with this girl Lauren and cocaine?" I pushed.

"She said we were a couple, she gave us shit for it and a few times, things got nasty. I didn't care though and neither did Alice and we ignored it. Honestly, I didn't even notice the words she said but I knew Alice struggled a few times with them, she struggled to think that she was assumed bad because she showed me affection." Her brown eyes began to well up but you could see her fighting against it.

"But one day, I was off. I did what I did the other day and I didn't go to school the next day. My dad let me have it off because he knew it was a bad day for me. But I had left her alone that day and Lauren and her friends cornered her. They had scissors and they cut at her hair telling her she needed to get a "dyke spike"." The tears began to stream from her face as she struggled with her words.

She licked her lips, catching her breath. "She came straight to mine knowing my dad would be at work and she came in and woke me up, shaking me, in tears. She had been crucified for being a good friend and they hacked into her hair." Bella's tears fell even heavier as she struggled with her memories.

Alice had long dark hair, so healthy and shiny, until one day she came home with it all cropped short and drunk.

"She begged me to help her fix it, so I tried, I evened it up a little but the damage was done. I couldn't bring it back. She was scared to go home and tell them how it happened, that she was bullied and that they did it to her. I told her I would cover for her, that to tell them I cut it, that we got drunk and that she decided she wanted a change and I got carried away with the alcohol. It wasn't a hard lie to believe, they knew what I could be like, your dad especially."

I rubbed at my face, struggling to take in what I was hearing but I slowly saw that I had moved over to Bella and that I was wrapping my arms around her, trying to ease her struggle. She was trembling in my arms and I hated the fact that the two of them went through this an never told anyone, that Alice had kept this from me.

We had blamed her, we had called her reckless and a horrible friend to Alice and Alice had defended her, she had defended her because we were so far from the truth.

I wasn't home in Forks but my mum had called me that night, telling me what happened and that she was afraid that she was going to lose Alice to some crazy stunt Bella had talked her into doing. She had already had her out on a motorbike and jumping off of fucking cliffs.

"So she wanted an escape, she wanted away from the bullies and the fact that they had hacked her hair off so I went to a friend and got something stronger, something that would make her buzz again, cocaine. It was wrong, I know that, but at the time it seemed innocent and harmless. We got some tequila too." She wiped at her cheek with the back of her hand and I pulled her into the couch as she continued.

"I sorted it out like had been instructed, it was little lines but I was drunk and before I could explain that it was meant for both me and her, she has sniffed all the lines. She seemed fine at first and we buzzed back out into the streets, she danced about like she does and for a little while, Alice was back, she was alive and she didn't care about her hair and she didn't care about Lauren and the rest of the bitches all she cared was she was there with me and we were having fun."

She pulled herself into me as her tears began to wrack her body. "Then...then she just fell. She just hit the ground and she was out of it. I tried to slap her face, to get her to come round, but I didn't know what to do. I just screamed for help, sitting there on the street beside her."

She broke down and I could only pull her in close to me. I held her tight as I felt her tears passing through the material of my shirt.

She pulled her face out from my chest and looked me in the eye as her tears still fell."I'm sorry. I didn't mean for her to get hurt. I only wanted to make her happy again. I know I can't be forgiven for it but I just want you to know that I really am sorry."

She pulled away from my arms, trying to hold her composure again. "Someone called an ambulance and we got her to the hospital. You're dad said he would keep his mouth shut about my input if my dad kept me away from her. I would see her at school and she was like a new person but she was still Alice, she told me she had to keep away or she would get me into trouble. That was all she was worried about, me, not herself not what others would think. Me."

She gasped in the air, her tears tiring her out. "I understood what your mum and dad wanted, I knew that they couldn't trust me after that so I didn't want to make things difficult for them. They were always nice to me, even when I never gave them reason to be. I was a mess and I was pulling Alice down with me, so I stepped back and accepted that these were the consequences to my stupid actions.

"Alice just flourished, something came over her, she wasn't invincible but it did something to her. I suppose when you almost die, it does something to you. She did good, a lot better without me by her side and though the looks she gave me told me she wished she could come to me, it was best for her that she didn't."

She let out a long, tired sigh and I knew she was finished. I reached forward and wiped at the tears that marred her beautiful face and tried to show her that I understood it all now.

"I'm not saying what you did was right. It was so completely wrong for you to do something like that, but I can understand why you did it, as crazy as it is."

I felt like I was battling with myself, it was so fucking wrong but she was desperate and her messed up mind thought that this was the solution. For it to go completely wrong on her and lose her friend like that, she had suffered enough, me battering her with verbal abuse wouldn't change anything now and Alice wanted me to hear this, she wanted me to try and understand, and now, I did.

She nodded at my words, her voice barely a whisper "I just needed you to know how sorry I really am."

I sighed myself. I hated that Alice hadn't come to me and told me, she should have. I really didn't know who she was trying to protect in all of this, Bella, that bitch Lauren or her own damn pride. Either way, I was going to be having words with her.

But honestly, hearing it all now, I think it was Bella who was trying to protect Alice's pride. She could have made things easier on herself a little if she explained, but she never, she kept Alice's secret and the fact she had been bullied and tormented by some girls at school, because Alice didn't want people to find out the truth.

She could have aimed for some sympathy, for trying to help a friend but she never, she took the flack because Alice had asked her to keep quiet. After all this time apart, Bella was still looking out for Alice.

Perhaps keeping them apart was the wrong thing to do, or maybe it was the right thing with the way Alice had moved on, either way it was too late to know, but what I knew now, was Bella would always be loyal to those she loved.

I pulled her onto me, onto my chest, and with a small flicker of doubt crossing her features, she relaxed and moved into me, letting her breathing return to normal.

"You know I'm still going to call Alice on this, she should have told someone." I told her gently, so she knew I wasn't blaming her.

She nodded against me, no doubt knowing, on this one, they were wrong to keep it quiet.

"I...I. Alice just told me I had to tell you, that I needed to explain the truth."

"She was right on that one. I'm glad it was you who told me. I suppose Alice would have been worried at my reaction and the family's. But the other girls should have been pulled up for this, they shouldn't have gotten away with it." I told her firmly.

"I'm sorry." she mumbled out.

"It wasn't just you, Bella. Alice was part of this too, it was her hair they cut and they should have paid for what they done. I would have made them pay." I felt my hand grip at the couch. Anger beginning to boil over. I would have went mad at them but I would have made sure that they were punished in the right way.

"Don't do that." Bella gently ordered as she pulled at my tight grip on the arm of the couch. "It worries me."

I relaxed my hand, apologising. "I didn't mean to scare you."

She pulled her face off of my chest and looked up at me. "You don't scare me, but that," she gestured to my hand "it worries me, I don't want you to do anything that will get you into trouble. You seem so hell bent on helping the weaker ones, you might cross lines you can't go back on."

"Like you, you mean?"

"I suppose, I don't want you in any trouble for helping me they way you did. I only wish you never got your self involved. I wish I hadn't been driving that bike so recklessly."

"But then we would have never have met." I didn't want to ever think about not meeting her, about not knowing what I do now, not just about Alice, but Bella's own pain, her own struggle. I wanted to help her.

"And you wouldn't risk losing your job." she stated.

"I won't lose it, I haven't had you as a patient. Technically you would be seen as a friend." I shrugged. My job was safe and I wasn't having Bella worry about it.

"So...were...friends?" she asked a little hesitantly.

"Technically..." I shrugged. "But that's just how the hospital sees us." I added before she frowned at my words.

"How do you see us?" she asked a little shyly.

I sighed, I didn't know how to answer that question at all. "I helped you." I tried to gather my thoughts on it.

"So you're just being nice." she looked between the small space between us, our closeness, my arm around her. I wasn't 'just being nice', she had slept in my bed.

"Bella, I helped you. You were Alice's friend..."

She nodded silently, her eyes dropping to her lap. I pulled on her chin, wanting her eyes to meet mine.

"If you ever need to talk, or need just someone...like the other night. I am here." I didn't know what I was opening myself up to here but I didn't care, I didn't want her to be alone and I prayed I could help her if she came to me of her own accord.

"So if I'm having a melt down I can see you?" she asked a little warily.

"You can see me when you want, we are... Christ, I don't know Bella." I struggled with my words. I didn't wan it to be said that we were friends after we forbid her being with friends with Alice, it seemed so hypocritical, and besides, she seemed so much more than that. I liked how she sat next to me right now, I liked that it was me she cried on and that I was me that got to hold her tight.

"We're not like you and Alice." I stated.

"We're not?" she asked confused.

"No, I'm older, people will think I'm taking advantage if they see us like that."

"How do you mean?" her brows furrowed forward in confusion.

"We're not friends, we can't hang out like you did with Alice, but I am here if you need someone."

"So what? I can talk to you as long as we're hidden away?" her voice getting louder.

"I never meant it like that. Fuck, Bella, you're tying me in knots here. I have a new job of responsibility in this place. My own family stopped you from seeing my sister, what do you think the rest of the town would say?"

"I don't care what the rest of the town say because they don't know shit. It's gossip and its all half baked lies." she growled as she stood up away from me. I felt cold without her warmth next to me.

"I don't mean it to sound like that Bella, I just have to think about my reputation. I want you as a friend." I emphasised my last sentence to let her know that I did want her.

"And my reputation is just too bad to be seen with." I didn't know if it was a question or a statement so I kept my mouth closed.

"I thought you were different. I thought you actually cared." she shouted at me.

I jumped to my feet to defend myself. I did care. I really did. If I was truthful, I would say I cared too much for this girl and that was what scared me, that's why I couldn't let her get so close publicly, because it would become something to them, to the outside world and I didn't want there input on it, I didn't want there concerns because Bella was right, they didn't know shit.

"I do care, I wouldn't have risked your father arresting my arse if I didn't care. I wouldn't have watched over you all night if I didn't care. Don't tell me that I don't care when I'm trying to help you and you wont even help yourself." I ranted right at her, the look on her face was stunned.

I sat back down on my spot on the couch and bowed my head forward into my hands before I looked back up at her once again.

"I care Bella, I care too much." I had to be honest, it was the only way she would trust me, and if she trusted me, perhaps I could help her.

I had to look away form her, her brown eyes were so intense and it was hard to speak the truth to them when I found it so difficult to deal with myself. "I have known you less than a week and already I can't get you out of my head, I'm thinking of ways to help you, I'm thinking of ways to get you to trust me and I praying that you do because I need you too, because I like you around me."

I kept my eyes away from hers but I felt the couch shift as she sat back down beside me. "I don't like what you do to yourself, in fact I hate it. I hate that no one has helped you, I hate the look of pain in your eyes and I hate the screams you let out, the ones that I still hear in my head, the ones you won't let me help you with because you are so determined to keep it quiet, keep it a secret."

I eventually looked back up at her and saw her glazed eyes. She was hurting and I had caused it.

_I hated myself._

"I'm sorry." I mumbled. I felt like apologizing to this girl was all I had done since I got back to Forks.

I put my face in my hands and leaned forward not wanting to see the hurt I had caused any more. I was pathetic, turning away from her so easily when all I wanted to do was to fight her, make her better.

I felt her small hand on my back as she began to make small circles, rubbing at me gently.

I didn't deserve her to be so nice to me, not when I was trying to keep everything so hidden, my thoughts, my feelings...

I wanted this to be normal, for me not to feel so confused and conflicted.

I hadn't been able to get her out of my mind and I couldn't ignore the fact any longer. But I still felt so perverse, she was still so young and those brown eyes still seemed to hold an innocence, despite what I had heard. I couldn't have her like how I wanted, she was so young and damaged.

I felt her fingers trail from my back to my shoulder and down to my face, she rubbed her knuckles against the small part of my face that was still exposed and it made me, turn up and look at her.

She seemed like a totally different person from the Bella that I had dragged out of the bar and I couldn't see how she managed to change so easily but one thing was for sure, this girl with concerned eyes that sat on my couch, this was Bella, this was the girl who she was before anything had happened to her. It made me happy to see it, because I knew she was still there somewhat, that there was hope for me to pull her out and let the rest of the world see her, the good friend to Alice, and the girl that had made a mistake, because I knew now, what she did, it was a mistake and one that she lived with by living without Alice.

Leaning back into the couch, Bella followed and rested her head on my shoulder and placed a comforting hand on my leg. She was quiet but I think after all I had let out, she didn't know what to say. _I didn't even know what to say._

After a few moment of silence she spoke. "Do you want some food. I can make you something to eat." she shrugged.

I laughed a little because there simply wasn't any food in the house yet. "I don't have any food to cook. I need to go to the store."

"What about take away? I could order a pizza or some Chinese?" she suggested.

I was starving and they both sounded good to me. "Tell you what, you order what you want and you let me sneak off for a shower." I reached for her hand that still rested on my leg and combed my fingers through hers. It seemed so innocent and friendly but at the same time it seemed so intimate. I broke the contact and stood up from my seat.

I took my wallet from my pocked and left some cash on the coffee table for her, for the food she would order before I silently headed to the door.

I paused for a moment and looked down at Bella sat on the couch, she looked lost as she sat with her thoughts. She didn't even seem to notice me still standing there, in her presence.

I headed for the bathroom and stripped down to nothing before stepping below the pressure of the water.

It was good and I could feel it loosening off my tense mussels after the hard day I had.

I washed my body, freshening up, before I got out and dried myself off. Wrapping the towel around my waist I headed out the bathroom.

* * *

_**BPOV**_

_The trees blew, I could hear them smacking off of the glass of my window but it was so dark I could hardly see them._

_The air in my lungs made me feel like I was drowning and I could hear a rush of water in the_ _d__istance and worried if that would drown me instead._

_The rain hit hard off of the windows, not that I could really see it any more , it had came down in sheets for hours. My mum, all the time not listening to me, telling me we would be fine._

_She was wrong and the fact that she thought she could sleep through it was stupid and nieve _

Bella, we've been through worse, we live in Florida. _Her words echoed in my head._

_The rush of water picked up and I saw it reaching up at the doors leading to the patio. It battered against it and it was like looking out to a filling fish tank._

_It was only a few inches but before I knew it it was up by two foot. The pressure of it constantly battering against the door._

"_Help." I screamed. My mum needed to wake up, her and Phil. I needed for her to see this was_ serious.

"_Mum, come help me." I called again, louder._

_I couldn't take my eyes off of the rising water line. The wind and rain battered along with it and before I knew it the doors were being forced open with the pressure._

"_Somebody help me." I screamed as loud as I could before I felt my mothers arms reach from behind me and pull me back, away from the water at my feet._

* * *

**EPOV**

"Somebody Help me." Her words rang through my ears as I shook her awake. My arms wrapped around her.

"Bella, I'm here. I'm right here." I promised her. I ran my hand across her cheek, waiting with baited breath for her to open her eyes and come back to reality.

I had heard her as I stepped out side the bathroom and had paused when I heard her call on her mother. I thought she was on the phone to her and I was concerned about the raised voice, but I had found her sleeping on the couch and clearly in some kind of distress.

Her eyes opened quickly before she pulled herself into me, hugging me and holding on for dear life as she broke down into tears again in my arms.

I hated to see the distress on her face like that. The pain gripping on to her and ruining even a small nap she was having. It wasn't surprising she had fallen asleep if that's what happened every time she closed her eyes.

It was a constant battle for rest and I could understand her need for the vodka a little more clearly. She didn't need an escape, she needed medicated.

She pulled away from me, taking in me in. I was only wearing the towel that I had left the bathroom in.

She looked down my chest and back up at my eyes, her gaze piercing into me once again before I suddenly felt her lips crashing against mine.

I was in shock and some how I couldn't pull away. I wanted more and the thought of deepening the kiss was the thought that made me pull away. I wasn't going to help anything by kissing her, all I was going to do was leave her confused, and even more hurt than she already was.

I pulled away and looked back down at her in surprise.

"I'm sorry." she breathed out in shame.

"Don't be, it's okay, I understand, you were scared."

She nodded shyly as she looked back down, trying not to look at me, my naked chest.

I was over her and only a towel saved me from complete nudity. She must have been horrified at my stance, but she had cuddled into me.

"You know, I'm going to do it." I told her firmly.

She looked up at me, meeting my eyes. "What?" she asked, confused.

"What you asked. I'm going to help you."

Her eyes widened, obviously surprised at the fact she had been calling out for help in her sleep. She reddened below me before I reached up and kissed her forehead.

"I promise you. I will." I was firm again and the look I gave her as I looked back into the brown, it made her squirm below me and I couldn't tell what emotion radiated from her this time.

* * *

**_a/n; ok people – please please please review!! it would mean a lot – any ideas yet to Bella?! _**

**_I know some of the readers here are finding this a little slow but as usual – I don't plan, I just write whatever feels like coming out of me and its always in one go – no rewrites, no change in paragraphs or such. It's the way I work. Sorry!! xx_**


	8. Crossing Lines

_**a/n: Ok I know I know I havent been as quick with the UD's - busy week! Baby Blues will be updated as soon as I can! **_

* * *

**Crossing Lines**

**EPOV**

I couldn't help but be worried for Bella. She seemed a wreck after wakening up. I had held onto her for a good ten minutes before I pulled myself away needing to get dressed, and as soon as I was, I was straight back to her, letting her move her tight grip from the arm of the couch, back to me.

She eventually settled a little and the Chinese food that she had ordered, arrived. I put on a DVD in the hope of distracting her mind and it seemed to work, she finally shook whatever haunted her, away.

She did curl up by my side though, and I let her, I let her slouch further down into my side before I felt her head resting on my leg as she watched the television. I let my fingers comb through her hair and eventually, she nodded off to sleep again.

I left her there, I didn't want to disturb her if she was in a peaceful slumber and I knew she was tired. Not only because she had actually fallen asleep on my couch so quickly, but the dark marks below her eyes was a big waving flag to her exhaustion.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to leave her on the couch and I especially didn't want to leave her there all alone.

She had already slept two nights in my bed, what was the harm in one more. She was only catching up on some much needed sleep and if her father really was worried to her where abouts, her phone was sitting out for us to hear.

So I picked her up and carried her through to my room and carefully fought off her sweater before placing her under the covers. I climbed in beside her and kept to my side of the bed, not wanting it to seem like I was taking advantage, but she followed me, in her sleep she had quickly shuffled over to my side and wrapped her arm around my waist. So I held her right back, because maybe it would let her sleep well like it had done the first time.

She was like a little china doll in my arms, her pale skin contrasting against her almost black hair with the dim light coming in from the window.

I kissed her temple and gave a small prayer of hope that I wasn't going to mess up her mind any more, that I would help her. She needed it.

Her lips puckered as I felt her cheek brush across my shirt covered chest, getting comfortable as she slept. She looked peaceful now, and that painful expression from earlier, was gone.

Looking at her lips they were so damn inviting, I still couldn't believe that she actually kissed me like she had done.

There was this nagging feeling in me though that I should have hated it, that I should have be disgusted with myself. But I wanted more.

I couldn't have her though, everything about her, everything she had done, thought not all entirely her fault, was reason to keep away from this girl. But all I wanted was to be closer to her.

It was like everything about her was inviting me in

_Her eyes_

_Her lips_

_Her hair_

_Her smell_

Even the sound of her voice pulled me to her like a giant magnet. I fought against it, but it was useless, I was going to go sliding across the ground and smack straight into her.

She shuffled in my arms again and wiped away a few stray strands of hair away from her face, wiping the tip of her nose. She looked adorable.

I knew I wanted to help her, but I did question weather the fact I found myself being drawn to her the catalyst or if I did genuinely want to help her as a person, as the doctor in me.

Something told me that if I had to break every rule in order to help her, I would.

But I couldn't think about her like _that_, I had to sit my feelings aside. She was my sisters friend. She was five years younger than me. It couldn't happen. I didn't care what the out side world though of her, they didn't know her, but I did worry what they would think of me, weather my new job that I was only just in, would be compromised. I couldn't piss five years of med school up the wall for some thrill, especially with someone as reckless as Bella.

She let out a little sigh of contentment and I enjoyed her warmth next to me. I had missed her not being in my bed last night. It felt cold and I felt like something was missing. I relished her, knowing, eventually, I had to give it up, for not only my sake, but Bella's too.

* * *

I woke up in the morning, groaning.

_Groaning with pleasure?_

I felt the moist sensation around my dick, an unusual feeling but definitely one I had felt before. I gripped onto the covers with one of my hands, needing to steady myself

I reached down, my hand going into a mass of hair.

_Fuck_

My eyes sprung open, looking down, finding Bella's head – down there.

I jumped back, clearly scaring he shit out of her, but she had gave me a fucking coronary with that stunt.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked completely fucking shocked as I tucked myself back in to my bottoms.

She looked like she was on the verge of tears, her big chocolate eyes looking like she was getting a telling off for sneaking sweets before diner, not for having her mouth wrapped around my god damn dick.

"I was just trying to thank you." she practically sobbed out.

"Who the hell do you think I am? Is that how you thank all the other guys?" I growled in disgust that she would ever think of me as anyone like that sleaze who had taken her to that bar.

"I...You...They..." She stuttered, completely unsure of what to say.

"Spit it the fuck out Bella. Is that what you think I want from you?" Okay so the hormonal teenager in me definitely wanted that, but he wasn't bloody getting it. I was a man, a man in control of his actions._ A man in control of his god damn hormones_.

"I thought all guys liked it." she shrugged as she looked down to the covers and the tears began to fall, she looked so ashamed.

"Not like that." I spat. "I helped you because you need it and I'm a doctor. It's how it works."

"But you seemed confused last night, you said I was more than a friend." she still never met my eyes.

I sighed pulling at my hair. Was this all my fault, had I lead her up the fucking garden path?

"Bella..?" I sighed, I was at a total loss what to say on this one. I never in my life expected that.

"I'm sorry, I should go." she whispered out as she slipped out the bed, picking up her jumper I had removed the night before, before I had put her into my bed.

I jumped up instantly, rushing to her and pulling on her wrist. She looked up at me, shocked and ashamed.

I pulled her into me because she didn't know what she was doing. She had went with men for Christ knows how long, to help her sleep and this is how she repaid them.

I hated whoever had taken advantage of her, of her state. I hated every single guy that had ever laid a finger on her.

I heard the soft sobs of her crying, not knowing what she had done was crossing a line, and I pulled her down onto the bed with me.

She clung to my side like she had done yesterday, when we had watched the DVD's and it stung to think I could have put her in the same pain that she had been in yesterday when she had clung to me then.

"You shouldn't just let any guy do that to you, _you_ shouldn't do that to just _any_ guy. It's meant to mean more than that." I was bullshiting her, I knew I was, but I wanted her to see the way it should be.

I knew over the years I had screwed more than a couple of girls up against a wall, girls I didn't even know the names of, but it shouldn't be that way. She deserved to be loved and cherished, she was still that little china doll that slept in my arms the night before. She was still that girl that was shook up with haunting nightmares, she didn't need someone letting her think that this was how it should be, that if she got a peaceful sleep with someone, that she had to do _that_ to them.

"You're not just any guy though. You helped me."

I sighed because I knew I had done nothing to help her, "I haven't helped you, not yet anyway. But I will." I promised. "And when I do, you can buy me a thank you card or some shit, just...just not that, okay?"

"I thought you would like it, I thought you liked me." the look on her face was so young. I was amazed this girl got her hand on alcohol so easily. Any guy that had been with her was a pervert, she looked nothing like her age. They were just going for something in a fucking school uniform, the sick bastards.

"Bella I do like you, and trust me, every guy likes that, but you just don't give them it, not like that, not to sell yourself, okay." She wasn't taking money but she was taking there presence, there being around her as her own cash.

"I'm not some kind of hooker." she spat, as she jumped out from my arms and looked down at me.

"I never said you were." I rubbed at my eyes, still trying to let my brain wake up. "Do you do that with all the guys?" it was a shit question to ask but I needed to know how desperate for sleep she was.

She shrugged a little as she looked down at the floor.

"Bella?" I wanted to push her on this, I had to know. I needed to know just how messed up she was and how many jackoffs had put there hands on her.

She ignored me again. I could feel my frustration take over, I was going to blow up if she didn't answer me._ But I couldn't. I promised._

"How many guys, Bella?" I asked her slowly but firmly, trying all the time to keep my voice steady.

"How many girls have you been with?" she snapped back at me.

"Eight." I told her right back. They all pretty much meant nothing to me, most of them wild one night stands in college. Too many drinks, too many parties...

Her mouth dropped and I hoped to god it was at my honesty and not because the number frightened her, in either direction of being too small or too big.

"I don't have to tell you anything." she tried to defend.

"I'm guessing your number is bigger." I smiled smugly at her, just an attempt to piss her off, to get a snap of honesty out of her.

She rolled her eyes at me before she ran through to the lounge, searching for her trainers.

"Side of the coffee table." I instructed her to their location.

As much as I wanted to carry on this conversation, I had day two of my new job to get to. I needed to concentrate on he things I had control over first. As selfish as it sounded, I just couldn't screw this up, I couldn't lose my job, I couldn't risk losing my place at the hospital.

"When will I see you again?" I had no idea why I asked it. It just came out, as if I assumed she would want to see me again.

But it was _me_ who needed to see her.

She ignored my questions and I dropped to my knees in front of her, where she sat on the couch, lacing up her shoes.

"Bella..?" I couldn't help the tone that came out, it wasn't pleading, it was begging. I needed to know she was going to be alright and I needed to know that she was coming back to me.

Her head snapped up, her eyes narrowing in on me. "What do you want form me?"

"I need to know that you will be okay." I told her with all the honesty I had in me, it stretched from my gut, skipping off of my heart and falling into the words I spoke.

I needed to know she wouldn't do anything to herself.

Especially if I had provoked her, got her mad or upset and put her in that mind set.

"Forget it Edward. We never met, we never spoke and I never..." her words trailed into the air and I was desperate to hear the end of that sentence.

"You never what?" I asked, the desperation ringing through my voice. "You never what, Bella?" I almost shouted at her.

How the hell had it turned to this, how had it gone from cuddling her in her sleep, holding on to her, to this, arguing, arguing over something ridiculous and something that was no business of mine.

_But I still needed to know._

Her eyes seemed to turn cold and stony as she looked back up at me. "Why did you ask? Why do you need to know that?"

"I told you mine..." I whispered out, but I know I had only told her because she asked me after I had asked first.

"Yeh, cos you asked me first. Why did you have to ask? What does it matter?"

She really thought it didn't matter, that god knows how many men had put their hands on her.

"Because they don't deserve you Bella, they don't deserve to get to touch you and they certainly don't deserve any love you give them. They are using you."

"What if I'm the one that's using them?" She asked as if she really thought she was taking advantage of them instead.

"Bella, you're not. They are taking advantage." I told her firmly. She needed to stop with this disastrous game first if she ever wanted to get past whatever was messing with her mind.

"What if I want them to take advantage, what if I want to give them love-"

"It's not real love, keep that for you're friends and family."

"What friends, the only friend I have now is Jake and he knows I love him."

"You love him?" I couldn't help but let the jealousy out as I spoke. _She loved him_.

"He's my friend..." she shrugged as if it meant nothing, as if it was a given. What did she really feel for this guy? Who was he?

I tried to forget her words and move on. "Your family." I told her.

She laughed at that one, obviously the fact she seemed so detached from the chief and that her mother lived in Florida. Who else did she have?

"Bella, you have me." I told her as I grabbed onto her hand, bringing it to my chest.

"No, I don't. I only get you if its behind closed doors. That isn't love."

Fuck, she had me there. It wasn't love at all. It wasn't even caring. I was as selfish and as cold hearted as the rest of the guys that came into her life.

"Is that what you want? Love?" I asked gently.

She shook her head as she ducked her face down as tears once again made there way to the surface.

I reached out for her, cupping her cheek. All I wanted to do was kiss her.

"Why not?"

"Because it hurts too much when it disappears?" She sobbed out as she kept her head down.

She pulled on my hand, pulling it across her mouth, it looked as if she was kissing my palm but I was positive she was trying to muffle the sounds of her cries.

I looked at her, all red eyes and watery cheeks. "You know, maybe it's worth the risk?" I shrugged. "Maybe you need to know true pain so you know when you have true love."

I didn't know what I was talking about or what she was talking about, where she was coming from. It seemed as if she had lost someone, a boyfriend perhaps, did he walk away from her? How could he have been able too?

She jerked away from me, standing up. "I need to go..." she told me but her voice seemed uncertain.

I didn't want her to go, I wanted her to stay here and I wanted to stay with her, talk through it.

"Please, don't go." I begged her though I knew I had to get to work. My father would be here and drag me out to the hospital himself if I didn't show.

She wiped at her face before grabbing hold of her jacker that was slung over a chair.

I stood up, walking to her. Silently pleading to stay, so I could talk this through with her.

"Goodbye Edward." she whispered out before she turned and headed for the front door.

My feet were rooted to the spot. I knew I had to let her go.

I heard the door slam shut and she was gone and I was alone.

* * *

It was Friday.

_Friday_

And I hadn't seen Bella since. I had drove past her house a couple of times on a long drive back from work. Her truck had been in the drive but her dads cruiser was parked outside too so I couldn't risk going to the door, even though I was itching too.

I could understand why she did what she did. She thought that was the way it was. But I thought I had told her I was different, that I wasn't going to hurt her, that she could trust me.

I was never going to take advantage like that.

It felt like forever since I had saw her, the way she would chew in her bottom lip with nerves. I missed that and I missed the blush she would give. It was never usually smooth sailing when we were together, but in those moments when it was, it seemed so natural to be around her. For me to place my hands, my arms around her.

I was infatuated with this girl and there was nothing I could do about it. She had made it clear that she didn't want to see me. And all I wanted to do was to see her.

"Here you are, bro." Emmett called to me, dunting the cold bottle of beer off the back of my head and almost spilling it over me in the process.

I ignored the dunt and took it from him with a small thanks.

I had been over for diner at my parents along with my brother Emmett and soon to be wife Rosalie. She was nice, a little bit snippy though when it came to those who she loved. I suppose it wasn't a bad trait to have though. She was loyal to Emmett and there was no one else for the other. They were set.

Her and Emmett had been together for years. I struggled to remember a time without Rosalie in it and she was family and she would be by law, soon.

"So, is she like a total crack whore now?" Rosalie asked with some amusement. I had yet to speak to her since I had my little run in with Bella, and of course, my father the perfect doctor wouldn't ever speak of her outside of work.

But my little run in wasn't work, and Rosalie wanted all the details.

"No." I groaned at her. Like I said, she was snippy over the ones she loved, and Bella and the incident with cocaine and Tequila – I really don't think she would get over.

"Was she a little high, I mean, to be driving up the middle of the road...Who does that?!"

She was perched on the edge of the couch, desperate for any detail that would suggest Bella's life was a living hell, which it was, but I would never give Rose the satisfaction.

"It was early," I shrugged "I thought the roads were empty too, she was just riding her bike."

Rosalie wasn't to convinced, she would have saw it as some stunt of Bella's, some need for adrenalin. I had to say, after what I saw in her notes, I wasn't to convince myself, I saw it as a way out for her. A way out of the life she was living.

"Figures." she sighed and pouted to herself, not getting much on Bella. "That girl is trash." she practically spat.

"Enough." I shot back at her, pulling her into line. "Keep it shut, Rosalie."

She rolled her eyes at me with a flick of the hair. "Why, its nothing that she doesn't deserve." she let out flatly.

"Rose..." my mum called on her gently, trying to pull her into line carefully.

Screw over Rosalie or any of her family, and it would take you the rest of your days trying for her forgiveness.

"She made a mistake, okay. It's over, forget about it." I told her firmly.

"A mistake?" she laughed. "Are you kidding me, this is coming from you, Edward?"

"Yes." I let out flatly.

I had yet to tell my family about my little talk with Bella and about that night with Alice and those girls bullying them. I didn't know where to begin, where the hell do you start on that one, especially when they had just let it rest with Alice moving to Seattle for college.

"Don't tell me you screwed her too, is that why your keeping quiet. God Edward, she had been with half the town. I hope you were careful, that's all I'm saying." She put her hand up, as if to surrender.

I narrowed my eyes at her. What the hell did she know about it, who had told her that?

"And who told you that? What do you know?" it was still a sensitive subject for me to think about. Any guy touching her. I could feel my blood curdle from Rosalie's words.

"Everyone knows that, Edward." She sighed as if I was stupid.

"This isn't something we should be talking about." my dad tried to change the subject.

"Are you kidding me, we all know she has had more than her fair share of trips to the ER, I want to know the gossip that Edward's pivy too after there little run in. He seems a little touchy, don't you think, Monkey?"

Emmett's head rolled back as she patted his knee and called him his pet name, that he hated, but secretly loved. The two of them together were revolting, they were so loved up and...mushy. She had him whipped and he loved it. She would ask him to jump and he would ask, how high?

"Leave him alone, and stop hating on Bella. You know as well as everyone else that Bella has issues. Let it be." he told her off. I was a little shocked at my brothers words but I swallowed them because he could see it too. They all knew she had difficulties. They felt sorry for her.

"She doesn't deserve anyone's sympathy, she could have killed Alice-"

"And maybe you don't know the half of it." I jumped in on Rosalie before she ranted again.

"And you do?" she eyed me suspiciously.

I kept quiet. I didn't even know where to begin on this one. I knew I had to tell them. I just didn't want to have to do it tonight. So I kept quiet and I kept Alice and Bella's secret, just like they had.

"Drop it, Rose." Emmett told her off again. She quietened, her gaze falling from me and she shuffled back into her seat and into Emmett.

I relaxed further into the couch, swallowing down my beer, letting it settle me.

It had been a long hard first week and I was ready for dropping off. I needed sleep so bad. I was exhausted and drained, if my mind hadn't been fixated on something with work, it was on Bella.

I needed to let my mind close down and switch off.

"I think I'm just going to head. It's been a long week and I could do with a lie in." I told them as I sat up from my spot.

"So soon?" my mother practically sprang out her seat at my words.

I only nodded as I let out a yawn and rubbing my face.

"Will we be seeing any more of you this weekend?" My dad asked, finally talking after keeping relatively quiet for most of the night, with only a watchful eye looking over me like he had done all week at the hospital, ever since I had spoke of Bella.

"I don't know. I have to sort the apartment out a little more. Maybe give it a lick of paint." I shrugged nonchalantly, trying to stifle another yawn.

"Someone been keeping you up late?" Rosalie sniggered at her words but I only glared at her, Emmett warping a protective arm around her and pulling her further into him.

Standing up I headed for the door. "I'll see you soon." I promised as I kissed my mums cheek and gave my dad and Emmett a brief pat on the shoulder. I just ignored Rosalie, it would only be another attempt to whisper more poison in my ear.

She saw I had defended Bella and she knew that wasn't me. She had saw that wasn't me. She had seen the anger I had carried towards Bella over the whole incident and now I was defending her. Rosalie's mind would definitely be working over time.

With a small nod I was out the door and straight into the Volvo, a small nip in the air chasing me quicker into the car.

I drove straight home and kept my focus on the road as best as I could, but I was shattered. I was surprised I never actually fell asleep while driving.

Reaching the apartment I saw her. She was sitting on the front step just like last time, but tonight there was no truck.

Looking up at me her eyes were red and glazed, she had been crying and it was clear she was trying to fight off another round of tears.

She sat with her phone in her hand, perched open in her palm.

"Someone looking for you?" I asked as I hunched down beside her.

I was surprised to see her here. I didn't think I would see her again, that she would come to me after what happened.

"No. No one wants to call me. I tried to call someone, but no answer." she shrugged and the way she slumped backwards I could tell she had been drinking again.

"Bella, how much have you had to drink?" I wasn't beating round the bush on this. I knew she had been drinking and I wasn't going to pretend she hadn't.

"Enough to sleep...hopefully." she shrugged again and before her head scuffed off of the door behind her.

"Where is your dad?" Did he leave her again?

"Fishing. He took Jake again. No one trusts me." she sobbed a little out of pity in her drunken state.

"That's not true. I trust you. We'll I trust you on some things. When you drink, I don't know if I can."

She only nodded, as her eyes looked out over my shoulder. I looked behind me but there was nothing there, she was just drunk.

Grasping on to her waist, I pulled her up with me as I stood up before I opened the door and pulled her in with me.

_She was staying with me._

I wasn't letting her be alone like this. She would either wonder off to some stranger or possibly just drink a whole lot more.

With me she was safe.

And I was pretty certain she wouldn't pull the stunt she did on Tuesday.

Getting her into the apartment I did my best to get her sober again. I gave her water and coffee and I made her eat something. It also warmed her up, she had been freezing after sitting out on that step. God knows how long she had been there for.

She began to look a little better after an hour or so, the whole time I kept my eyes on her. I was shattered but I would never let myself fall asleep when she needed me.

She sat back in the couch looking right back at me. Not one word had come from her mouth since we had got in. She only gave nods or did what I instructed her too do.

"Do you want something to sleep in?" Because there was no doubt about it, she had came to sleep, I was certain of it.

I left her on the couch as I headed to my room, picking up the spiderman boxers. I had kept hold of just in case she came back, and I searched out the same t-shirt she had worn from the first time she had stayed. The t-shirt she had worn in the shower.

I had came across her underwear from that day too. They had been left in the damp pile and I never returned them to her. It was only last night I had came across them as I sorted a load of washing but it didn't make it feel any more right having them here.

I only lifted my boxers up for her knowing they would be more comfortable to sleep in.

Walking back she was almost sleeping. I could see her trying to keep herself awake, trying to prove she was sober and that her mind was sound, though both were still pretty questionable.

"Here," I told her as I hand her the boxers and t-shirt, walking back into the lounge. "go wash up and get changed. Then you can get some sleep okay?" before I knew it I had leaned down and kissed the top of her head as I smoothed my hand down the back of it.

It just happened, like it was second nature.

Pretending it didn't happen, I walked over to the kitchen area, pulling out a couple more bottles of water for us as she left the room, still in silence.

I didn't know to be happy or not, that she never said anything to my action. Least she would know I wasn't afraid to touch her, despite the nature of our conversation last time.

Walking back to the bedroom I stripped down to my boxers and t-shirt before I climbed underneath the covers and waited on Bella before switching the light out.

She walked in, looking a little more refreshed and pretty cute in my clothes. I knocked the thought out of my head s fast as it entered it. I couldn't keep thinking like that, especially if she was in my bed. That _was_ taking advantage.

She climbed under the covers, never speaking and never looking at me, she lay away from me and I accepted that was all I was getting out of her tonight so I turned off the lamp and slid further below the covers.

I lay there for a few moments before I felt her shuffle around the bed again.

I was about to ask her if she needed anything, if she was warm enough, something, anything. I hoped the darkness would make her speak because I knew I wouldn't be able to see her nod in the dark. I wanted to take advantage of that and hear her voice just one last time before I fell asleep.

She pulled into my side and gripped her arm around my waist. Without a word or a hesitation I wrapped my arm around her waist too, pulling her right into me, where she felt so right.

"I'm sorry." was all she mumbled against me, her hot breath blowing through my t-shirt.

I wanted to argue and tell her she had nothing to be sorry for, that it was my fault. But I didn't.

Instead I searched out her lips and kissed her chastely, easing my need I had felt since Monday night.

* * *

_**a/n: so what you think – any more thoughts on Bella yet – Who thinks Edward is getting in a little too deep a little too quick? xx**_


	9. Hermes

_**a/n: Sorry this took so long to post – I was busy, then I was away! RL!!**_

_**Ohhh we have a visitor!! **_

_**Enjoy! xx**_

* * *

**Hermes**

**EPOV**

I could tell it was morning even though I still had my eyes closed. The morning sun was shining through my window and creating a warm orange glow from behind my eyelids. A faint cough that came from Bella only made me pull her in closer to me as I felt her still in my arms.

I could smell her hair in my face, it smelled of strawberries and something else that I couldn't quite put my finger on. It didn't matter, not really, it was her smell, it was how she always smelled and it was intoxicating to me.

"Did you just smell her hair?" a voice almost shrieked from the door of the room.

I jumped up knowing only too well who that voice belonged too.

_Alice._

Looking up across at her, I was stunned. Firstly, the fact she was in Forks and the second being that she had somehow broke into my apartment.

Bella was a little slower in her realization but as soon as her eyes focused on her she instantly jumped up, and crashed right into her.

"Jude." Bella called as she wrapped her arms around my sisters neck. Alice reacted in the same exact manor but let out a squeal as well as she swung her from side to side in her deathly embrace.

I sat there a little shocked at there contact, it was obvious that even after being pulled apart for so long there was still some deep connection between the two.

My gaze shifted across to the tall blonde guy who I recognised from Alice's profile picture as the boy she was kissing. He looked a little awkward as he looked from Alice and meeting my eyes.

His head bowed down and he took a step back, retreating from my bedroom completely.

Alice broke contact with Bella only slightly, keeping a firm arm around her waist as she pulled back calling on the blonde.

"Jasper, come here. I want you to meet my best friend and my brother, well my younger brother." her smile was huge and as she eyed up Bella I could see that no matter what would happen between these two, no matter the time apart, this obvious bond that they had, it was infallible, it was infallible through hospital trips, overdoses and parents pulling them apart.

Finally I found the will to speak, "How the hell did you break into my apartment?" I was positive I had locked up the apartment last night.

Alice shrugged. "A little something that Jasper taught me." her smile never failing despite the look of Jaspers face dropping.

"All innocent, just something I learned, nothing lawbreaking." he rushed out, looking as nervous as hell. He looked like he was in pain after Alice letting that one out.

I waved it off, it didn't matter. What mattered was why she was back in Forks. She had barely left the place five minutes ago.

"Why are you hear?" I asked as I looked back at my sister, she cradled Bella's cheek, playing with her hair as Bella played with the ends of Alice's hair too.

Her attention snapped back to me but her fingers remained in Bella's long locks.

"I didn't get twenty questions about...about...well..." she looked up at Bella, stumbling on her words. "About the little incident last year so I figured you hadn't told them yet, so were going to do it together." she nodded sure of herself.

"Me and you? Today?" I asked, still more than a little dazed.

"Me and you...and Bella." she let out a little hesitantly. "And of course Jasper is coming too." she smiled back up at the guy and he smiled back at her, reassuring her.

Bella panicked, the look on her face froze as she tried to get out her words. "I... can't. Alice, they don't want to see me." her breath caught in her lungs as she pulled out away from my sister.

"Yes you are, you lied too long for me, Bella. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let it go on as long as it did. We're going to go to them and explain everything." She reached out for her again, stroking her hair so affectionately. It was nice to see Bella be treated so well, I just never thought that Alice would be the only one to give her it.

This wasn't anything shocking from Alice, she was always over affectionate, I just never thought Bella would be so accepting of contact like it.

Alice sharply turned to me, "We tell them everything." she told me pointedly.

"Okay..?" I asked a little unsure of her words.

"Everything," she looked back to Bella before me again "Even you two."

"What, there isn't anything to tell." I jumped up at the thought. I couldn't tell my father that I had been spending time with Bella, he had warned me to let it go and to keep away from her.

"No...so you hugging her in your sleep is just...nothing..?" Alice shrugged lightly as her eyes went back to Bella.

Bella looked deflated at her words, that I would think of her as just nothing. She wasn't just nothing to me but I couldn't be so honest about my feelings, especially when they were so confusing for myself.

"Alice, don't." I warned.

"Don't what?" she pushed looking for a reaction. "I come in here and find her in your bed, that isn't nothing, Edward."

"I never said it was nothing, I said it wasn't anything, it isn't anything that they need to know."

"Edward you need to be honest, just like I'm going to be. Bella isn't suffering any more because we're keeping secrets."

"She just stayed over..." I sighed, not knowing what to say.

"Yes and it isn't the first time either." Alice reminded me.

Bella rubbed her face before making an excuse and heading to the bathroom swiftly. She was uncomfortable but I didn't know what at.

"Edward, what is she doing here? I expected you to help her, but I never imagined it would be like this...so quickly."

"Like what?" I almost shouted at her, was she accusing me of something.

"She was sleeping in your bed. Please tell me you haven't..?" she nodded he head a little to the bed, asking if I had been intimate with Bella.

"God, no. Alice, she has nightmares, she was sleeping, that's all it was." I promised. It was all it was, wasn't it?

"I know she has them. And I know you can help her, I just didn't imagine you to buckle with her so quick." she smiled at me a little smugly. "She is something, isn't she though?"

Did Alice feel it too, the strange pull that she seemed to have on me. I was getting involved and thinking about this girl way too much. I knew it and now Alice did too. I couldn't help it though. I only knew I had to keep it as professional as possible to help her.

"She's..." I shook my answer out of my head, focusing on what I needed too. "I'm only trying to help her, that's it." I told her sharply.

"You need to be more than the doctor to her, Edward. You need to be a friend too, she doesn't have anyone and I'm in Seattle now. You need to make your friendship public if you're to make her better, make her feel accepted." she she softened on her last few words and I knew she was right, no one in this small town had anything but nasty gossip to say about her. I needed to show I wasn't ashamed to be around her. I wasn't, not really at least.

She sighed a little as she moved over to the corner of my bed and sat down, Jasper still stood in the door way. "I'm not saying tell them that she was in your bed, just that you want to help her, be her friend." she nodded, encouraging me.

I pulled at my hair, I didn't know what to do. I knew what Alice was saying was right, but after being warned by my father, I felt like I had deliberately gone against him, and I suppose I had. But they didn't know the truth.

That would surely change things.

* * *

I stood leaning up against the kitchen counter as I watched Alice and Bella talk and play away with one another on the couch. She was so animated when she was with Alice, it was as if she was brought to life all over again.

She pulled at the ends of Alice's hair again, amazed at the small length it had grew from the last time she had saw her, which must have been graduation.

"So, Jude, tell me about the blonde." Bella asked as she gave a not to subtle nod in the direction of Jasper, who was standing right in front of me talking away.

I had noticed Bella refer to Alice as Jude a few time since she had arrived and I remembered back to Alice telling me that she was Jude and that I was to figure out who I was.

I didn't know who I was, but to Bella, I was obviously going to be someone else as well, not just plain old Edward.

Who was I? Was I even anyone else at all?

I tried to forget about the cryptic words that Alice had gave me and concentrate on Jasper.

He was a decent guy, Alice was right.

He was from Texas and had a southern drawl just like Alice had told me. He thought about joining the Army, serving his country and all that but he said he had a feeling he should at least try college first. So he did, and he met Alice.

He knew _everything_ about my sister and the looks he would give to her, even if she wasn't looking, and I could tell the boy was whipped. My sister had him twisted around her little pinky and the boy couldn't be happier for it.

"So you figured it out yet? Who he is?" Alice asked Bella, giving a quick glance in my direction. I tried to pretend I wasn't listening to there conversation but I liked this Bella, she always seemed a little guarded around me but here she was, and she was glorious.

She shook her head answering no.

"Least give it a guess." Alice pushed with an elbow and a mischievous smile.

"Hmmm..." her eyes flickered up to me and I looked away, pretending to be deep in conversation with Jasper, I was, I was jut multi-tasking. "Saint...Saint Valentine..?"

Alice burst into laughter as my eyes flickered up to my sister again and saw a beetroot read Bella.

"Oh, come on, this isn't some commercialised crap, Bella. You want you're saints, they have to be real." Alice tried to hold in her giggle again, obviously trying to relax Bella a little more once again.

"Isn't he real?" Bella asked a little confused.

"Noooo." She chaste. "Saint Valentine is a bunch of martyred saints. Nothing romantic about it. Don't believe the commercial bullshit Bella." She smirked a little though "Interesting to know that you have the hots for my brother, though." she laughed a little and Bella turned red again.

I practically choked on my coffee at Alice's flippant words but I didn't want to seem like I was eavesdropping so I ignored them.

Did Bella like me more than that? I know what we had argued about, but did she not just do that trying to thank me? I hated the idea of her thanking me like that, it wasn't wrong, not if you loved them or something, but to do that as a thank you.

_It was only as a thank you?_ I guessed it was, but what Alice had said had me confused.

It couldn't be like that between Bella and I, I was too old for her for a start. She still needed a little more life experience. She was so innocent to the rest of the world.

"No I don't." Bella tried to protest. " I just know what you are like and thought that would be who you would pick." she shrugged with a little defeated sigh.

"Well, no. And I don't pick. This is written in the stars, Bella babes." she winked at her. "Guess again. A real Saint this time." she mockingly sighed.

Bella sat there, confusion on her face, her brow creasing a little too.

"Something..?" Alice pushed.

Bella shook her head, still clearly deep in thought. "Are you sure?" she asked.

Alice nodded as she practically boubnced in the seat next to her. "Of course I am. He's one of them."

"I can't think." she eventually gave up. "Tell me."

"It's the best one." she told her quizzically.

This didn't appear to help Bella either, she shook her head before telling her she gave up.

"Fine, you're no fun at this game anyway." she joked. Alice's smile got wider as she pulled into Bella's side a little more.

"He's...He's Hermes." Alice told her as if she had won the lottery or something.

Bella's face dropped, shaking her head before shouting. "No, he's not."

"Yes, he is." Alice corrected her flatly.

"No, don't lie. He can't be. You don't know what you're talking about." Bella stood up, scowling at my sister as she shouted with rage.

"Yes he is Bella, you just have to accept it." she argued back just as firmly.

"No, I wont. Because it's not true. It's all just a bunch of crap." She spat.

Alice stood up, looking Bella square in the eye. "It's your bunch of crap, Bella. It's you and your god damn sign. If you don't believe it, don't. Just don't tell me I'm a liar because I'm right, this time I'm right." She bit at her.

"Alice." I snapped at my sister from across the room and as I did, Bella fled the room, bursting into tears.

"What the hell did you say to her?" I demanded.

"The truth, she just has issues with the truth is all." she sighed as she crossed her arms.

"You just upset her, why did you do that?" I asked again, totally confused at what had just happened.

"Because she needed to hear it. She has been living in her own little world of self-exile for too long, she needs a foot up her ass." Alice shouting the last part of the sentence out the door, in the direction of Bella.

I cupped Alice's mouth, trying to shut her up. "Apologize, now." I ordered.

She shook her head as she pulled away from my hand. "No, she needs to learn. Everyone needs to admit the truth." She shouted towards the door again.

"Alice, will you quit it." Jasper was by her side instantly, pulling her into him as I shouted at her again.

"Edward, you don't know anything, no one does. She needs to face reality and you need to help her. Please do it for me. Help her with _everything_." she practically begged me.

I wasn't sure what I was getting into, but I knew I was already there. I had been since I had looked at her notes in the hospital.

"Edward..." she begged.

I nodded. "Only if you apologize to her."

She nodded silently as she gave a look to Jasper as he let go of her, Alice then leaving through the door Bella had walked through moments before.

* * *

Pulling up outside my family's house, I tried to gear myself up for it all, for Alice to tell them what really happened that night and for me to tell them that I was friends with Bella.

It sounded ridiculous having to explain myself at twenty-three, but here I was, and I couldn't help but worry about it. Not just the reaction of my family, but the reaction of the town eventually as well.

I was a new doctor and I was spending time with possibly the biggest walking disaster in Forks.

I hated to think about Bella like that, I did, but it was the truth of the matter.

I looked to my right, Bella sat next to me, fidgeting with her hands, trying to keep her breathing calm. I knew my family had been fond of her, despite all what they had heard and I knew it wasn't a decision that they took on lightly to separate her from Alice.

The truth coming out was only a positive for one out of the three of us, and that was Bella. She deserved it.

"Come on, you will be fine." I hoped. I knew that Rosalie would be in there, Alice called Emmett, demanding that the two of them be there. Alice was fully aware of the cold words Rosalie had used in Bella's name so I presumed that she wanted Rose to hear it for herself and had asked them instead of it being second hand news from my parents.

"You think so?" She asked and I didn't really know. I could only hope that it wasn't traumatic for her that she slipped into another binge of alcohol. It was her coping mechanism and I knew there was a high chance of her using it to forget about today, once we were finished.

I would keep her by my side if I could, try to protect her from herself but I had no right to do that, I knew that but it didn't stop me from wanting to try it.

I placed my hand on her knee, squeezing it gently, reassuring her. She would be fine, she had nothing but some good coming out of this for her. We already knew what she did was wrong, getting her hands on drugs like that but this was about the reason for doing it, her loyal protection over my sister that had helped Alice keep the truth a secret about the bullies and the trauma they inflicted on her.

Her eyes darted down to my contact but I didn't shift my hand, she seemed accepting of my touch going by the tiny hesitant smile on her face.

"Things are going to start getting better for you, Bella, I promise, even if it's the last thing I do."

She let out a tiny nervous laugh and wriggled in her seat. "So serious, Edward." I knew the sincerity of my words had made her feel uncomfortable but that's because she didn't have faith in me, not yet at least.

"I am, Bella." I removed my hand and palmed my forehead, screwing my eyes tight shut. "This is serious, what you do to yourself, it is serious. I can't take you doing this to yourself."

"Always the doctor, eh?" she replied flatly, still avoiding the true nature of my words.

I shrugged. "Maybe." I didn't know if it was the doctor in me or just this pain in my gut that drew me to her. It felt like she was dragging me to her and I couldn't fight it.

Alice's little car pulled up behind me, even though Emmett knew Alice was here, my mother and father didn't. This was going to be a bit of a shock, Alice walking in with Bella when she should be in Seattle.

I opened the door, swiftly making my way to Bella's side and helping her out, taking her hand before she nervously pulled it away as she stood up.

Alice was by our side instantly with Jasper, Alice taking Bella's hand, reassuring her in a way that I would never be able to manage or understand.

"Come on, lets get this over with. I though about diner, the four of us tonight at the café?" Alice was always a sly one with aversion tactics and Bella's mind relaxed for a moment as Alice pulled her up to the front door.

Opening the door she walked in with out hesitation as she pulled Bella along side her. "Mum...Dad..?" she called out as my mother instantly appeared at the top of the stairs, her face only faltering slightly as she looked at Bella.

My mothers eyes darted to Jasper before back at Alice and then finally landing on me.

I swallowed hard at the unusual look on her face.

"We have something to tell you." Alice's smile didn't falter at all, she was so damn sure of herself it was scary.

My mother only gave a little confused nod as she made her way down to meet us.

"What the hell is she doing here?" Rosalie's voice screeched from along the hall, from the entrance to the kitchen.

I didn't even notice I was doing it until I felt her soft skin. I took hold of Bella's hand, silently reassuring her that this was all going to be okay.

"We have something to tell you." Alice replied to her as chiper as ever, as if she hadn't even take on the tone of Rosalie's words.

"She shouldn't be here." Rosalie reminded us as she walked towards us, Emmett following her out of the kitchen and looking completely gob smacked at Bella standing there with us and I could see him look over at out clasped hands.

Alice still held on to her other hand so I knew there was no way of Bella doing a runner.

"Well, I invited her, and this is my house." Alice spat, her anger at Rosalie's negativity getting to her.

"You shouldn't even have contact with her, never mind asking her here." Rosalie crossed her arms, defensively. My dad wandered into the background, obviously wondering what all the noise was.

"I asked her here. She told me something that you all need to hear. She is my guest and if you turn her away, you turn me away."

Rosalie's mouth dropped at the assertiveness of my words and the fact I was standing up for Bella.

"I knew it, you are screwing her." Rosalie jumped to the conclusion.

"Rose." both Emmett and my mum scolded her in unison, Rosalie's head whipping in both direction, assessing there own look at the situation.

"Will you keep you mouth closed for just a second." Emmett tried to pull her into line, disgruntling her in the process.

"Edward..." My mum pushed a little, looking for some answers.

I sighed "I'm not screwing her." I spat at Rosalie, disgusted at the word she had used. "I'm wanting to help her. Our paths crossed a couple of times and...well I found a few things out." I shrugged a little looking back down at Bella, her eyes shining with intensity and unshed tears, worried that I would use personal information against her.

"She told me about that night, about what had been really going on. She deserves a fair hearing. Please."

My mother smiled a little and so did Emmett, My dad looked anxious and Rosalie, well she was still just pissed off by the whole thing.

Making our way to the dining room, as directed by Alice, we settled in the seats, Bella sitting between myself and Alice.

Rosalie just seemed to glare at Bella as she sat across from her.

I only glared back at Rosalie, not that she noticed, her attention was fully on Bella.

I started to speak as everyone's eyes seemed to land on me or Bella. "I thought...Alice thought it was time to let a few things from the past, rest." I shrugged not really sure of what to say exactly.

Alice jumped in though. "I told Bella she was to tell Edward the truth about that night. They had a run in and he had a go at her, she let some things slip and had mailed me to warn me. That's the only contact we have had, except a email I sent her on her...her...birthday." She shrugged herself as her eyes floated across between me and Bella. Bella shivered at the mention of her birthday and I really struggled to understand why. I knew she had issues with it, calling it something else...opening day, was it? All I knew was I would have to asked her about it, and she wasn't getting away from it.

"Bella didn't cut my hair." she told them sharply, my mother and father faces looking confused with the revelation.

She sighed a little "It was that bitch Lauren and the rest of her crowd. Bella wasn't there that day at school so they came after me." Alice's eyes dropped to the top of the table and I wanted to offer her some support, to help her but my hand was still firmly clasped in Bella's and I wasn't letting go. Alice had Jasper for support, Bella needed someone too.

"I rushed to Bella's and told her all about it, she knew I didn't want to tell you so she let me use her as an excuse, and you believed it."

Bella's head bowed in shame knowing that they didn't question it, that people thought she was capable of that, her reputation for drinking and daft stunts had made them believe it.

I squeezed her hand letting her know it was okay.

"That still doesn't explain the tequila or the cocaine." Emmett reminded us, he wasn't being mean, he was only being logical.

I spoke up because it was hard for Alice and I remembered the struggle Bella had when she told me, she would never manage having to face all them. I sat there and told them all the words that Bella had told me.

They looked sceptical and they were still mad for the whole fact that Bella had given her the stuff in the first place but I pointed out that it was Alice's choice to take it in the first place.

Alice wasn't stupid, she didn't do anything if she didn't want too, hence the lack of popularity at school. She had taken it of her own accord. It perhaps wasn't the best time for her to make a decision like that, to take it when she was feeling so low and self conscious but she had and it was in the past.

Rosalie sighed a little impatiently "Bella, lets face it you are a mess. You have no friends and you stuck to Alice like glue-"

"Don't you speak to her like that." Alice interrupted her instantly. "You don't know shit, Rose, all you do is listen to petty gossip. Have you ever even listened to anything she has said, when she used to hang out here. You ignored her."

Rosalie was a little stunned at the words coming from Alice, but she sat there, taking in her words.

"Rosie, Alice is right. You never gave her a chance, don't come here judging her." Emmett spoke to Rosalie before averting his eyes and words to Bella. "Bella, I know what you did was wrong, I know you know what you did was wrong." Bella only nodded as a small tear made its way down her face before she rubbed at it with her free hand.

Emmett wasn't telling her off, she had already had that last year. "As far as I'm concerned you're both to blame, it was stupid and you really should have told me about that Lauren. She shouldn't have gotten away with it but I could see why Bella let you use her as the escape goat." He sighed a little and ruffled his hair a bit. "But, Bella, we like you, we do, but you need to get your head sorted. We don't know anything about you, nothing more than the gossip that the town made up and I'm guessing that's no where near the truth. You're a sweet girl and the way you two would play about..." Emmett smiled, clearly reminiscing about a situation probably not to different from the one they were in this morning. "You were someone else, your not the Bella that the rest of this place thinks you are. Don't do your self an injustice letting them think that."

With his warm words Bella welled up more and my mum passed her a bundle of tissues. "Emmett is right, you were both to blame. I think it's time to let go of it. Alice has moved on since then and I think its time you do the same Bella." my mum told her.

I pulled her into my side, giving her a little strength and show her that she had got through it. I only hoped she was able to process it all okay, not to worry and panic about it, to let it pull her down.

"Edward..." My dad began and I knew what was coming. That he was going to tell me off, that I should have stayed back, that I shouldn't have let her get close. "If this is a friendship thing...or whatever..." he shrugged. "You can't treat her if she comes into the hospital, you can't look through her notes. She is an acquaintance, not a patient. Do you understand?"

I was a little shocked at not being told off, I was expecting something but instead all I got was him telling me I couldn't treat her if she came in to the hospital. I could handle that, because I knew that if she made another trip to the hospital, it would be something ridiculous like taping up staved fingers.

I was going to help her, fix her and she would never need the hospital like she had in the past, again.

* * *

_**a/n: Ohh I think it could be Edward that is a little nieve and not Bella.**_

_**Please let me know what you think. **_

_**And yes – Saint Hermes is a real saint – you can google it if you want, it will give you a little insight to the story **_

_**it's up to you if you want to check it out – but just don't come a runnin if you think you have ruined the surprise!! lol It doesn't give any clues to what happened to Bella though so that's safe if you haven't guessed yet.**_


	10. The Shadows Still Remain From Your Decen

_**a/n: WARNING – please read the a/n at the end please – it is important!**_

* * *

**The Shadows Still Remain From Your Decent.**

**EPOV**

In the kitchen, at my parents was them, Rosalie and myself.

They had questions – _and they wanted answers._

"I just thought that you would back off." my dad sighed at his repeated line for the half a dozenth time that night. "Why not?"

I shrugged, I didn't know what made me ignore my fathers warnings but I didn't care. It had worked out for the good. I was right and he was wrong.

"Like you said, she's a nice girl." I told him his own words from Monday. I couldn't just give up on her, she deserved a chance. Even with their knowledge, I was still worried though.

"Just remember that, Edward. She's a girl." Rosalie dug at me with raised eyebrows. When would she see that this was me wanting to do good for someone. I was helping out a family friend. There wasn't anything sexual to it.

Well not if I could help it, at least.

Alice had dragged Bella upstairs with her and Jasper, getting caught up on all there missed months. Emmett even joined them, as much as it pissed off , Rosalie. Once again. Anything surrounding Bella pissed off Rosalie, even air.

"Rosalie, just...for once keep your mouth closed on something that has nothing to do with you." I snapped back, defending Bella. She was going to have a hard enough time of it without her adding fuel to the fire.

"I never heard you deny anything, Edward..." she checked me.

"That's because there is nothing to deny. It's only you that has the issue with Bella, here, even Emmett has snubbed you for Bella."

"He likes to play around with kids." she quipped back.

"She's hardly a kid, she's eighteen."

She smiled like the Cheshire cat, "Eighteen and legal, that sorta thing is it?" she bit again. Fuck she was being a total bitch tonight. I was actually struggling to remember any reason why I liked this girl in the first place, and I was trying to go with something else other than she was about to marry my brother.

Before I even had time to answer her, I had heard a scream coming from up the stairs. I panicked, instantly rushing out of the kitchen door and up the stairs.

Had Bella fallen asleep? It had sounded like the screams from the other night.

Reaching Alice's room I crashed through the door only to find Bella dangling over Emmett's shoulder, him holding her by the ankles.

She swiped at his ankles and I had to laugh at the attitude of a kitten she seemed to have right now, she was still strong, but she was relaxed and you could see her weakening with someone she obviously trusted.

"Will you help me?" she demanded at my feet as she tried to reach out and grab me.

I let her stable herself somewhat with her hands on my feet, and I reached forward, pulling her into me as she still dangled upside down.

Once she was secure in my arms I turned her around in my grip, so easy, she was as light as a feather.

I still had my tight secure arm around her when she looked back down at us once again, our contact.

Her cheeks blushed the sweetest pink and her eyes met mine once again. I placed her down on her feet with ease as she whispered out a thank you before swiping at her hair, trying to restore it back to normal.

I only smiled as she practically danced back to Alice's bed and taking a seat.

I wanted to stay, see her in this whole other light that Alice managed to give her. But it was Alice that gave it to her and perhaps it was only because she trusted her. If I was to stay, she might lose her glow, and I really didn't want that.

I backed up to the door heading for the continuing argument with Rosalie as Alice jumped to her feet.

"Where are you going, come in, close the door." she nodded to the huge block of white painted wood.

"I was..." I motioned to the door. "I'll stay." I told her giving up. I wanted to stay and see Alice too, I hadn't saw much of her when I lived in Chicago and I had really missed her. We always got on so well. All three of us did, I suppose. Alice was just a little different because she was a girl, she saw things a whole other way, well I assumed it was because she was a girl, but maybe that was just Alice. Alice was definitely something else.

I closed the door and shifted forward, standing at the foot of the bed. Emmett had stretched himself out in the couch beside the window and Alice sat down again and nestled herself in Jaspers arms on the bed. Bella still sat on the end of the bed.

"Sit down." she ordered. "You remind me of the chief." she huffed as she waved to the spot next to Bella.

Bella burst out laughing "Hey, that's my dad."

"I know, and I do love him, but sometimes..." she shook her head. I wondered if she had ever been asked things about Bella. Did he feel as lost as I did when it came to her? Or was he worried Bella would say things that she wasn't mean too.

"My dad's cool." she shrugged with a little smile. And that alone made me think that he did look after her, perhaps not pushing her with the help she needed, but he still cared for her.

"Yeh, that's cos he lets you off with murder." Alice laughed. I wondered if Bella had Charlie as wrapped round her finger as Alice had our own farther, perhaps even more so?

"Enough about the chief, I think we should go out and celebrate that you are home and we can be lovers once again." She joked about with a huge smile on her face practically climbing all over Alice.

"Get off..." Alice told her, playfully pushing her off her. "I've changed, I'm back to hetro." her tone was flat and factual but the smile on her face ruined it.

The way they touched one another was almost intimate but not sexual. It was weird, it was as if they were made for one another, but both were straight.

It was amusing to watch, how comfortable they were with one another. Bella had always seemed a little tense around me, even when I thought she was relaxed, going by this, she definitely wasn't.

"I think we should just stay in, I know how you like to celebrate." Alice rose an eyebrow in her direction and Bella's smile faltered.

"I...I just thought...I didn't mean..." she sighed and whatever way she liked to celebrate, she must have felt some shame over.

"I knew what you meant. I just think it's best we don't." Alice told her a little more seriously.

Bella's eyes glazed as she shifted uncomfortably on the bed. "I...I think I should go." Bella's voice trembled as she stood up.

"Aww, Bella, I didn't mean anything by it. Just I..." Alice sighed as she rubbed her face.

"It's fine." Bella told her as she fought on her trainers.

"No it's not. I want you here. I want to just hang out like this." Alice told her.

"Bells, don't go. It's nice to see you." Emmett tried to tell her, him obviously enjoying her company too.

"You too, Em. But I think its late-"

"Bella, it's seven o'clock." Alice told her flatly. Alice seemed a little pissed off to Bella's reaction.

"I wanna go home, I don't want to see you, okay." Bella shouted at Alice and I for one, was shocked at her sudden change in tone.

Alice stood up, quickly rising to Bella's level. "You don't want to go home, Charlie is fishing this weekend and you hate being alone."

"No I don't" Bella quickly corrected her.

"Yes you do, don't lie to me. You are still the same. I love you but I know all your tricks and I'm not letting it happen." Alice was calm and domineering. What was Bella's tricks? I was worried about that one.

"I'm going home." Bella told the floor as Emmett stood up and walked to her, wrapping his arms around her.

I felt a little jealous at the contact he had with her but she let him hold her and I knew that Bella's presence in this family was far greater than I had understood.

"Don't go, please. You know you can sleep in my old room any time you want to. Stay the night, get caught up with Alice..." He seemed so warm to her.

There was only a small sob form her as she shook her face into his chest. "Thank you, really, thank you. But I just want to go right now."

"Bella..." Alice quietly pleaded.

Bella pulled out from Emmett and reached for her jacket. "Alice, it's fine. I'll be okay. I just want to go home. I need a sleep." She gave a half hearted smile "Someone woke me up this morning." she was trying to be teasing but we could all sense that she couldn't manage it. She was hurt because Alice had been to sharp with her. "I'll see you tomorrow though, okay?" she tried again with the smile.

"Do you promise? Like really promise?" Alice sounded worried and it put my stomach in knots.

"Edward can you drive me?" She asked as she checked that she had everything on her.

"Yeh, sure." I told her.

"Edward, don't." Alice pleaded. "Bella, promise me now." her voice full of worry.

"Alice, she wants to go home. We can't keep her here, she's not a pet." I sighed. Was Alice being over dramatic or was she really worried about her.

I stood up walking to the door with Bella.

"Promise me." Alice demanded to Bella.

She quickly turned to her, walking up to her, wrapping her arms around Alice's frame. "I'll see you later, okay." she kissed her cheek before turning to the door and walking out the door.

"Bella..." Alice cried out to her once more but I could see her walking down the landing heading for the stairs.

"If anything happens to her, it's your fault, Edward." She called to me, desperation dripping from her words.

I ignored her call, following after Bella to drive her home.

* * *

"Hi mum..." she sighed a little into her mobile phone as she wiped a tear from her eye.

I tried to watch her but I was needing to watch the road. "I just wanted to talk to you. I have spent the day with Alice..." Bella glanced up to me before quickly dropping her gaze.

"I'm guessing you are busy but I'll see you soon, okay. I love you." she spoke into the phone before snapping it shut.

"Answer phone?" I asked as I jutted to the phone in her hand.

"Yeh," she nodded. "It's just hard with her being so far away, you know?" she asked very quietly.

"It must be, but it's good that you can talk to her." I tried tired to let her see the brighter picture, that least she was able to talk to her. "You going to Florida soon?" she had mention that she would see her soon.

"No, but I'll see my mum soon." I guessed that they would perhaps meet up half way.

Bella didn't seem like she wanted to talk and had been relatively silent the whole journey, she had only began to speak as she left a message for her mother.

"You know, why don't you just stay at mine?" I asked as Bella fidgeted with her hands once again. I had let Alice's words sink in and I was worried.

"I'm fine, Edward. You don't need to worry about me for Alice." Her eyes never met mine and as I pulled up outside her house I knew I had little time left to change her mind.

Putting on the hand break I quickly turned to her to try and use my time wisely. "Do it for me then?" I asked. I hoped it would be enough for her to understand that it would settle my mind.

"What, you want me to stay at your apartment, in your bed?" she looked up with a teasing smile and I hated her for turning trying to turn this into something else.

"You know what I mean?" I sighed trying not to give up on myself, or most importantly, Bella.

"Do you find me attractive?" she straightened her back out and gave her hair a little flip as if she was posing.

I ignored her attempt.

"I would like it if you stayed at mine, if Alice was worried about you." I told her mater of factly.

"Do you want to sleep with me? I could go and get that little skirt that Alice gave me." she winked.

Why was it any time someone tried to be serious, she would struggle to accept it. She had done it this morning too in the car when we had arrived at my parents.

"Bella, can we be serious for a minute? I thought you wanted me to try and help you?"

She laughed a little "Edward, I don't need help, but I'll come to yours if you want me too?"

Fuck, how the hell had she taken my words and managed to twist them like that. Was that what they were like to her, did she just think I was trying to pick her up? Use her? She knew that wasn't what I wanted though. We had fallen out about it only on Tuesday.

I ran a hand through my hair trying to gain some composure over her little twist. "I want to help you, you are welcome to stay at mine if you want me to help you." I told her directly, trying not to let my anger show.

"I don't want your help." she shrugged as her eyes looked down.

What was I going to do? Just tell her to get out my car?

She sat there for a few moments. I was too stunned to actually think of anything else. She was acting out here, she was like the Bella I had pulled out from the bar that night.

I looked at her and eventually she looked back up at me.

"So..?" She asked, her voice trying to be seductive.

"Get out the car." I ordered, pointing to her door.

Her face fell but she quickly scurried out the car, slamming the door closed behind her without another word.

I put the car into gear, heading for home but had only got a little distance when that knotted feeling in my gut got stronger.

What the hell was I thinking, I had just kicked her out my car when Alice was worried about her.

I turned in the road and headed back to Bella's house, I saw her bedroom light being turned on just as I pulled up across the street and waited.

I didn't know what I was waiting for but I just thought if she had saw that I came back that she would come out, come to me. I didn't know what was stopping me from going to her. Perhaps fear that she would see it as something else, that I wanted sex off her like she was seemingly offering me.

I sat there.

For three hours I sat there.

I saw no moment, nothing. The full time my stomach knotted more and more. I was a bundle of nerves and eventually I saw my hands tremble.

I shook like a leaf on a tree on a windy day. I couldn't seem to stop the tremors either, no matter how tight I gripped them into fists.

It was almost eleven when I gave up, I couldn't take it any more. I had to check on her.

Jumping out the car I quickly cut across the quiet street and knocked on the front door.

No answer.

I knocked again and fear pumped through me at remembering the last time I had found her in this situation.

I would be so mad at her if that was what she had done again – knocking back vodka to make her feel better.

I hated how she abused it and her body like she did.

I knocked again and I was giving her two minutes to answer. If she didn't, I was going in.

I watched the hands on my watch tick around the face of my watch, twice, all the time anticipating her opening the door to me.

There was no answer.

Trying the door, it was luckily, for me at least, unlocked. I opened it, letting myself in, heading straight to her bedroom where I just knew where she would be.

I knocked her bedroom door in case she was still awake, fully alert and I was about to give her a heart attack coming, storming into her room.

No answer – again.

Opening the door slowly, I could see her bare feet on the end of the bed, her heels pointing to the ceiling. Opening the door further I could see her in her underwear that she had left at mine, the time I had dragged her out of here and then threw her into the shower. I only recognised them because I had pulled them out from the washing machine only yesterday after we had forgotten about them and she took them from me this morning. On her top half was the top she had wore earlier, the same one as she had wore yesterday too.

Opening the door fully, I saw a half drank bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand. Had she drank half of it tonight?

Rushing over to her, I pulled it out of her hand as I quickly discarded it to her bedside cabinet without even looking.

I pushed at her shoulder but got no response and quickly sat on the edge of the bed to turn her around to face me.

Looking at her, she was passed out, her breaths were so faint it scared the hell out of me. How much had she drank. Was the JD all she had tonight. I panicked thinking she could have had more.

Her body was so cold and I didn't think there was any heating on in the house either.

I began to look for something for her to wear. She wasn't staying like this alone. I was taking her back to mine like I did last week.

I hated myself for letting Alice and Bella down, Alice knew this would happen, even Emmett knew. Why did I let her out of my car. I had a chance to keep her close, keep her out of her own harm. But I had let her down, I had done this to her.

Looking down at the floor there were empty blister packs all around, the ones that held medication.

Looking back up at Bella, I realized that she had taken them, her cold temperature, her quiet shallow breaths, she was shutting down. She was dying.

_She was trying to fucking kill herself._

I dropped to the floor inspecting the backs of the packets.

They were all different, all forms of anti depressants.

Who the hell had issued these to her?

Reaching for my cell, I began to call for an ambulance. She was going to die if I didn't get her to a hospital soon.

I rushed back to the bed, wrapping her body up in her bed covers and pulling her into me.

"Just get here now." I shouted down the line. "I don't know how many she has taken but there is a lot of empty packets and she has mixed it with alcohol." I shouted at the woman on the other end of the phone.

I knew this wasn't her fault, it was mine. I just wanted someone to feel like shit too.

I hung up my phone and pulled Bella into me closer. Shuffling up on her bed, I nestled her between my legs, wrapping my arms around her, trying to get as much heat back into her as possible.

There wasn't a thing I could do.

I was a doctor but without anything on me, I couldn't help her. I was useless.

I had been so useless to her, I had let her get like this, even after I promised myself and her that things would get better.

I had gave up on her thinking she didn't want my help when it was the moment she needed it most.

_I was so fucking useless._

If she wasn't to make it, I would never forgive myself, and neither would Alice.

I held on to her tight praying that she would get through this, that she would survive...

I clutched at her wrist feeling her pulse fade little by little, the beat getting slower and slower.

I wiped at a spot of water on her face, only realizing it came from me, that I was crying.

My chest felt so tight and the panic in me was making me feel so warm. I was sweating and I only hoped that it was helping Bella warm up.

Her pulse got so weak I knew I had to try and help her keep breathing, she wasn't doing a good enough job on her own.

Lifting her off me, I carefully placed her back down on to her bed, laying her down on her back. I checked her passage ways for the second time tonight, just in case. Pinching her nose I blew in her mouth, passing all my air to her.

I could see the rise of her chest and and it began to go back down with her own breaths but I gripped at my hands and began to push down on her, performing CPR to her.

I took another breath, passing it to her once again and once again, I pushed down on her chest, hoping I was helping her.

I kept at it.

I kept breathing for her, taking the are and forcing it into her, forcing it to circulate through her.

Eventually I heard someone at the door, a knock. I jumped to the window telling them to come straight up, opening the bedroom door so that they could find us.

I took one last breath for Bella and my hands trembled as I forced it through her.

A paramedic was behind me almost instantly, pushing me out the road with an oxygen mask.

"How long have you been giving her CPR?"

"Five minutes?" I shrugged, not really knowing. It had felt like a life time but I knew it hadn't been that long. It only felt like it. Since I had found her, everything had turned so slow.

"She's taken, prozac, tamazepam and trazodone. I'm thinking she got them illegally. I haven't saw prescriptions in her notes."

He looked at me confused as the other paramedic injected her with and intravenous line. "Are you her doctor?" he asked a little wearily.

I shook my head, "No, I work at County. She has drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels too, she was unconscious when I found her. She needs her stomach pumped as soon as she can."

I knew he would know what he was doing but it didn't make me feel any better.

They gave her a few doses of things and I just tried to focus on Bella, telling her not to worry that she would be okay, that I would really help her this time.

I had gotten distracted and assumed she was full of games, when in reality, she was probably testing me.

And I totally fucking failed.

_I had failed her so badly._

* * *

Sitting in the uncomfortable plastic seat I wriggled about, looking for anyone to give me some kind of clue.

"Tanya?" I jumped to my feet, rushing to her side as she walked out of her room and down the hall. "What's happening, you have to give me something here."

"Edward...you came in with her, your a friend, and not the next of kin." she told me a little sharply, I had been begging her of details since I had arrived.

"Just something..." I begged again.

She smiled softly at me. "She's not to good, but just now, she's stable. I'm ordering dialysis to help her along a bit."

"Dialysis?" I almost freaked out, "Is she that bad?"

"She must have been like that for a good hour, Edward."

I swallowed hard thinking about all that time I had waisted, I had just sat outside in my car, watching her window and she was dying.

I felt so sick.

Rushing to the bathroom, I crashed down onto my knees before I began to throw up.

I let my stomach empty then let my head rest against the cool tile behind me.

Alice would never forgive me for this. Even if she was to survive.

I felt myself cry again and I loathed myself for being so feeble.

I wiped at my face and all I could picture was Bella with that mask marring her delicate pale face. She was so beautiful, and now she looked like she was dead. The image haunted me and I couldn't for the life of me shake it.

"Edward?" I heard Alice's voice call out from outside the cubical.

I knew she would be mad but I also knew she would put it aside until this was over; whatever way it would go.

I opened the door wider, not being locked, as I had swung it shut behind me in my rush.

"Edward..." she whispered out in pain, her shoulders dropped the moment her eyes landed on me.

"I'm sorry..." I felt more tears again and I wiped at my face hard. I was in agony but yet there was nothing wrong with me, not physically at least.

She rushed over to me, dropping to her knees just like I had, pulling me into her.

She pulled me against her, against her chest and I could hear her heart beat so strong and so fast; the exact opposite of how Bell's sounded.

It only caused more pain.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I'm so sorry." I gripped at her arm, not knowing what to do with them, or myself.

She sushed me as she stroked my arm, all the time holding on to me.

Here I was, falling apart, and it was my baby sister who was keeping me together. It should have been the other way around. It deserved to be the other way around. She deserved to be the one that was hurting the most, she deserved to be the one falling apart. But it was me, I was the one that couldn't hold it together. How was I ever to help Bella when I was so breakable.

"It isn't your fault. She does this. She...it doesn't matter, not now at least. Just don't blame yourself."

I pulled away form her, surprised. "But you said...you knew this was going to happen?" I didn't know if she knew it was going to happen or it was just a hunch.

"I thought she might do something, drinking...That's her speciality. I never thought she would do this, not after today?" Alice looked away and the sad look on her face made me think that she thought Bella didn't really love her, that when they could be friends, she did this.

"She's been stupid before, she's tried to kill herself but she's always been caught." she began to wipe at her face as her own tears began to spill. "I think this time it was for real though. If it wasn't for you, she would be dead."

"If it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have been in the hospital."

It was true, if I ignored her games and only concentrated on the outcome, the fact that she was in my apartment and in front of me, safe, she wouldn't be here.

Alice never spoke, she knew it was true.

"Her dad's here. He only just arrived when we did. They won't let him see her either."

"I don't want to have to face him." I couldn't face him. I should have keep her out of harms way. This was my fault.

"You are going to need to, at some point. He wants to know what happened, and how it was you who found her."

"Shit. What am I going to do? He's going to fucking arrest me if I tell him I went into his house like that." I had just got my self into a shit load of trouble and the fact that I preformed CPR on her out of the hospital, I could lose my licence if something was to happen to her.

"He's not, Charlie is a good guy. He will be mad, but he will understand, but you have to be straight up and honest, if you lie to him at all he will know and...just be honest, keep yourself out of trouble."

"I'm already in trouble, Alice."

"No you're not, not really, not yet. Go out to him, be honest. I promise you."

I looked at her, how could she be so sure. Okay she did know Charlie personally, but this was a matter of profession as well as personal. He could fry my ass if he wanted too.

I stood up, walking out of the cubical and rinsing my mouth out in the sink.

Alice stood behind me the whole time, her watchful worried eyes like a hawks.

I turned to the door, opening it and closing it instantly.

"You forgot to walk through it." Alice told me with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"I can't face him. I can't do it." I was petrified to face him, knowing I could have prevented all this. If she was to die, how could I ever look at him.

"You need to." she piratically yelled at me. "Go out there and deal with the mess." She pointed over my shoulder. She could scare the shit out of you when she really put her back into it.

I sighed and admitted defeat.

Opening the door for the second time I walked through it, Alice following behind me.

Straight away I saw the chief, he stood there, half in his usual clothes and half his fishing gear.

He looked up at me suspiciously and I swallowed down the nervous feeling that plagued me once again.

"Chief Swan." I nodded.

"Edward Cullen?" he looked me up and down, no doubt sizing me up.

"Can I speak to you in private?"

I nodded as he jutted his head, indicating me to follow him.

We walked into a small room. A jail cell? Closing the door behind me, he walked up to me.

"What the hell has been going on behind my back?" he asked sharply.

I was blown away at his tone, his audacity in his tone to blame me. I could hear it as clear as day.

"Alice told me to tell you the truth so I will. After me and Bella's first little meeting, I found her in a bar in Port Anagles that weekend, the weekend you went fishing. I took her to mine because she begged me not to leave her alone in the house. That you were trying to punish her..?"

He grunted at my words and looked away, everything told me that Bella was telling the truth on that one.

"I dropped her home the next day...I got back to mine and I was unpacking, I went to unpack a box of alcohol when I noticed a bottle of vodka Bella had been wanting to open the night before was gone."

I sighed knowing that he really could beat my ass for this one. "I was pissed off, I went after her but there was no answer, I still wasn't happy so I tried the door and it was open. I found her just like I found her earlier but she had only half the vodka, I dressed her-"

"Wait, wait, wait...you dressed her? You touched my daughter – when she had no clothes on?"

I scrunched up my eyes in frustration. "She had underwear and a t-shirt on. I dressed her for taking her out the house. I wasn't getting off on it, I was worried she was going to start choking to fucking death, I wasn't thinking she would be an easy fucking target." I shouted at him.

"Hey, watch your tone and watch your language. Just remember who your talking too." he ordered.

Like I couldn't remember, like I could forget. The whole damn hospital was on it's tip toes as soon as he entered the building.

"I know who I'm talking to, I'm talking to Bella's father, someone that should be caring for there daughter a lot more than you're doing. This whole place does what you ask just in case you get them sacked."

"Excuse me?" he asked, clearly shocked that the reminder of his position did little to deter me.

"Your daughter is falling to pieces and you should have got her help when she needed it. You screwed her over. She has nightmares, she screams in the middle of the night, she is so afraid to sleep without alcohol or without sleeping in some strange guys bed."

"What the hell are you saying? Has she been sleeping in your bed?"

"She will go with whoever she can get a decent night sleep with. And yes she's been in my bed. Three times and I don't regret a single one of them because I let her have what she needed without taking advantage of her."

"You bastard."

"Yes I am," I practically roared. "Because apparently you're a bastard if you don't try to screw over the ones that need help. If I don't try to get her into my bed and screw her, I must be a bastard. I must be a total ass, the fact I sat up one night watching her, making sure she wasn't going to choke on her own vomit." I felt delirious with rage and I couldn't seem to stop myself.

"You don't have a clue what runs through your daughters mind." I wanted to tell him everything, about how I woke up to find her mouth around my dick, but he really didn't need to know that, and she didn't need any more shame brought to her.

"You think I don't know? You think I don't know what she's doing when she doesn't come home at night. You don't think I haven't watched over her after a day of her binge drinking. I have." he point at himself, shouting his words.

"I know exactly what she's been up to...except with you. That I never knew about."

"Why don't you talk to her about it, get her help." I shouted. It was like a brick wall.

"I have tried, she doesn't want it and...well, Bell's like me, not a big talker." he shrugged as if it was nothing.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You're not a big talker. That's why you have been avoiding the all of this. You could have saved her life."

"She isn't dead." he reminded me.

"No. Because I was there to save her. I was there to give her mouth to mouth. I breathed for her."

I sighed and kicked at a leg of a chair before sitting down on it. The room fell to a complete silence as both of us thought about what the other had said and of course we were both thinking about Bella.

Eventually I spoke. "You know I'm glad she has at least one person she thinks she can talk to..."

"Oh I'm sure you're so perfect, she must just love you making her drag all that up. No wonder she tried killing herself." He bit at me.

I wanted to hit him for it, he deserved that, that I had been the cause for this.

"She doesn't talk to me." I told him flatly. "She calls her mum."

He turned to look at me. "Renee?" he questioned.

"Yeh." I shrugged. "I'm guessing you didn't know they talked?" I asked a little surprised, raising an eyebrow to him.

He laughed a little, nothing with any humour in it.

"She calls her?" he asked again.

"Everyday, Bella told me. Surprised?" I answered back.

"Very." he nodded. "Her mum's dead."

* * *

_**a/n: Firstly – most importance – There has been a number of stories being pulled from FF so in fear of that I have been backing all mine up and I am in the middle of a relocation that where they will be safe.**_

_**I have set up my own web page and you can become a member – its easy and free – and I will be able to send you out a mail I was to be cut off from FF and tell you where to find the ends of my stories. **_

_**My FF page has a link on it to it. Please become a member and don't let FF win by cutting me short on my stories.**_

_**As for this chappy – did anyone see that one coming? Let me know what you think.**_

_**I have had total writers block – but for my reader reading Baby Blues there'' should be an update soon.**_

_**Oh Also there is a little tag of me on youtube on my account – 10 facts. Click on my YT link and watch it! Also the people who gave me questions – can you ask them again – I never took a note of them at the time and cant find them in my reviews – sorry!!!**_

_**xx**_


	11. I Realize There's No Reply

_**a/n: I have almost completed the next chapter of this too. There will be a UD tomorrow too**_

* * *

**I Realize There's No Reply**

**BPOV**

_I was surrounded by wind and rain and all I could hear was the crashes of the damage being created around me. _

_I was freezing, my clothes completely saturated with the water. _

_I couldn't escape it. _

_I coughed, feeling it in my mouth, trying to get it back out._

_I coughed again._

_Coughing harder and harder I panicked with what I felt in my mouth. _

_It wasn't water any more._

"She's wakening up." I heard a call, it seemed pretty calm but there was something else to the tone.

"Bella, It's me. It's your dad. Calm down." Charlie's voice tried to sooth me as I felt his hand stroke across my forehead, but I couldn't, something was going to stop me breathing. Couldn't he see that. I was choking.

"She's choking against it. I'm taking it out. I heard the same voice from the first time and I recognised it. _It was Edward_.

There was a pull at my face, tape or something. I kept coughing, panicking, but I also felt Edward's warm hands on me, relaxing me, soothing me.

Opening my eyes, I saw him. His presence stood before me, it was god like.

He pulled on what was in my mouth, releasing me from my torment and I felt the panic in me ease as I looked up to him.

He stroked the hair out my face, leaving his hand in my hair before my father stepped in, pushing him out the way.

"What the hell were you doing, Bella?" he snapped at me, he wasn't mad. He was frightened.

I had done it to him again and I hated myself.

_Who had found me? _

_Who had saved my life?_

Who had saved the life I was trying to give up. It wasn't there's to give back. I should have died.

But right now, I really didn't know if I wanted to be alive or dead.

I tried to speak but nothing really came out. My throat felt like I was trying to swallow glass or something.

I saw Edwards hands from the corner of my eye holding a little plastic cup, reaching for me.

My dad, snapped it from him before quickly ordering him out of the room.

I felt relived and lost at the same time. I wanted him here but I wanted him gone also.

Charlie reached forward, letting me sip on the straw, helping ease my painful throat ever so slightly.

"Who found me?" I didn't want anyone to have found me. Not like that. It wasn't fair to anyone. I knew someone would. I assumed Charlie and as much as I hated the idea of him coming home to find me dead, it was the only option I could think of.

"Edward Cullen. Care to explain?" I shook my head answering him no. I didn't want him to feel bad that I trusted him, that I somehow felt calm with Edward. I did. He took me in, let me sleep in his arms and all the time he only acted appropriately with me, even when he changed me he was so careful not to cause me any distress.

He grunted at me "Thought as much." he sighed as he rubbed at his forehead in frustration, his eyes screwed tight. "You can't keep doing this. You can't." his voice trembled and broke and I could hear the weep in him trying to escape.

"He should have let me die." _He should have_. Why do people keep bringing me back from my brink of a world without all the pain and suffering that lives in my head.

"You're so damn selfish Bella, I have let you get away with everything. Not any more though. I'm taking action this time." he couldn't he couldn't do that to me. I was an adult. I knew what I wanted, and that was out of this life. He couldn't do that to me. He would section me, he would take away my rights. They would assume I was crazy or "not of sound mind". What ever term that they used, it all meant the same. I wasn't going to be my own person. They would fill me up with drugs and I wouldn't know what was happening. It would be worse than my life already.

Least I felt something. I felt pain, everyday I felt pain but I wanted out of this life to lose it, not for them to try and suppress it.

With his words, he walked out of my room, leaving me with my own thoughts.

* * *

**EPOV**

"You can't do that. She trust's me, please." I begged him. He was telling me of Charlie's decision to section her. I wanted her to have one last chance with me, for us to try and work on her issues. She trusted me, I knew she did. I only hoped it would be enough to let me to begin to help her out.

"You just pulled that tube out of her throat. I have told you this already, she is a friend, not a patient to you. Do that again and you will be reprimanded. I'm not playing here, Edward."

My father was pissed, he had found out everything that had went on between Bella and I. He was angry I had let her in my bed, that I let her sleep with me.

I saw Charlie leave her room and I had to try to let him see sense. He hadn't singed over her life yet. She was deemed as unfit but her life was in her next of kin's hands, her fathers.

I rushed over to him, pleading my case. "Charlie, don't do this. Let me help her. I know she trusts me. You pass her over to a psychiatrist, they will drug her and cloud her mind to try and get to where I have already got with her, but she won't trust them."

"I think you have said enough about it for one day." he told me sharply as he tried to walk past me.

I jumped in his path, blocking him. "She trust's me. I know she does, she needs time to speak about whatever this is."

After I had managed to compose myself from the shock that her mother was dead, I asked what had happened. He told me nothing, telling me if Bella had trusted me so much, she would have told me herself.

Bella, hadn't even told Alice what had happened, she was as shocked as I was to learn that Bella's mother was dead.

"She doesn't trust you, she would have told you otherwise-"

"I'll get it out of her. I know I will, then I can work to help her, get her the right help." I knew I alone wouldn't be able to fix her but if she trusted me enough then I would gradually try to introduce factors that could help her get her life back on track.

It had been done before._ Why not Bella?_

"Just leave it." He was warning me but I wasn't giving up. I had breathed for this girl. I wasn't just going to let someone else take over the life I had just saved. If Bella couldn't help herself, then I would.

"No. I'm not. I'm not going to stop. I'm going to be waiting out here constantly until you say yes, until I you let me back into see her."

"Edward, go home." My father ordered from behind me but I tried my best to ignore him.

"I'm not going anywhere." I promised to Charlie. I wasn't going anywhere right now and I wasn't just going to walk away from Bella.

"She doesn't want help, that's why I'm forcing her. I can't do this again." he was clearly only holding onto his sanity over this one. The look in his eyes showed all his pain, all the months he had been trying to keep her with him. I felt sorry for him.

"Tell her she has to choose; me or being sectioned." I pushed.

"We can't bully her into her into you trying to help her." he said a bit more sternly.

"You pass over her rights, you don't know when you will get them back. At least let me try, let me talk to her. She would rather talk to me, we both know it. She will hate you if you take away her decisions like that." It was the truth. Bella was stubborn and she knew she had little control over the thoughts in her head, but I was certain she would rather work through them with me than someone else.

He wiped at his face with his hand, thinking. "Okay, I let you do this but anything happens to her, I'm coming for you."

I swallowed at his threat but I knew I had to believe in myself, that I could help her somewhat before he would believe me and let me help her. I only nodded to him.

My father had stood the full time, listening to our conversation. "Edward, you can't take this on. She isn't your responsibility and no offence to Chief Swan, but Bella should have had real help a while ago." My fathers eyes landed on Charlie, silently apologizing for his words.

"I know that, okay. I know I should...I should have done something. But she begged me not too." He looked like a broken man.

I nodded understanding, with Bella, you would try to do anything to make her happy, even if it was going against what needed to be done.

"It appears that she really hasn't told you much. Get it out of her and I guess she trusts you. It's not my story to tell so you need to ask her." he nodded to her room door, indicating that my time had just began.

With that I headed to _my_ Bella.

* * *

I had been in her room for the last ten minutes and she was yet to speak to me.

I had explained everything to her, about me and her fathers deal. I wasn't sure if she was trying to find the courage to get the truth out or if she was flatly refusing my help.

I needed to help her though. I didn't trust anyone else to do it. I wasn't a psychiatrist but I knew if I could get some truth I could at least work with that.

I began again, trying her for answers. "Why did you lie to me? You said before you came to Forks you were in Houston, but you lived in Jacksonville, in Florida."

It was something so stupid and so insignificant so why did she feel that she had to lie about it.

She shifted up a little on her bed, trying to look at me so I got on my feet and placed myself back down on the end of the bed.

She chewed down on her lip nervously before she began to speak. "Why do you think I was in Florida?" She questioned, her voice still rough from her being intubated.

It was general knowledge in Forks that she had been living with her mother in Florida before she moved here, before her mum died.

"Everybody if Forks knows that you lived in Florida, Bella." We were getting no where, she was questioning my questions.

She nodded her head a little, deep in thought. "Who told them I had been in Florida before I came to Forks?" She questioned with a bit of a sharp tone lacing her words.

I felt my forehead crease in confusion. "You didn't live in Florida before you came to Forks?" Was I wrong?

"Yes..." She sighed. "I...I did live there, that was my home. But I had been on holiday."

"So you had been in Houston before you came to Forks?" I asked confirming.

She let out a little groan, clearly infuriated by me. "Yes. I told you that already but you didn't believe me cos it didn't match up with what the rest of Forks said. Everyone in this town assumes what they want and if anything is contradicted then I'm a liar." she practically shouted, she would have too if it wasn't for the fact her throat was sensitive.

"I'm not saying you're a liar, Be-"

She interrupted me before I could finish my sentence. "Yes you are, you just said it..." she sighed again and I could see her eyes glaze over.

Shit, I had ignored her very own words coming out of her mouth because I assumed she was making it up, avoiding the truth, but in reality, it was the truth she was giving me, I just didn't believe her.

No one in Forks really knew why she had came here, and I guess that they all just assumed that she had came from Florida.

I stood up, pacing on the spot at my own assumption I had made based on the words of other people, other people that would say anything, especially about Bella.

"I'm sorry." I apologised to the floor. She never spoke, she never acknowledged my words at all.

I walked back to her side, pulling myself down to her. Her head face the opposite direction, purposely avoiding me. I pulled at her jaw ever so gently, making her eyes meet mine, "I'm sorry." I apologised again as I looked into her brown glassy eyes.

Her eyes looked down to the mattress between us. "You said you were going to help me and that I was to tell the truth. Edward, I have never lied to you. Never." her eyes met mine on her last word and I knew she was being honest.

I hated myself for ever thinking she had.

"Can I stay with you tonight?" she asked out of nowhere.

"Bella, you're in hospital." I reminded her as looked around the room.

There was nothing going to stop Bella though. "I can discharge myself. I'm fine and you can make sure I'm okay." she told me as if it was so easy.

"You're anything but fine." I told her seriously. She had only been taken of off dialysis a few hours before she had woke up. It was now Sunday evening and she was lucky to even be awake.

"Besides, your rights have been passed along to your father. My dad and another doctor signed off on it."

her eyes widened in horror. "I...I don't have my rights?" She asked as if I hadn't already told her.

"I told you that, I told you it's either me or a psychiatrist."

"I thought you were just trying to make me pick you." her tone was completely disbelieving. "I have no rights." she told herself.

"Bella, it's your dad that is still in care of you, as long as you go along with me, he still will be. If you don't let me help you, he will take you away from me and pass you on to a doctor and they will section you." I tried to let her see the severity of the situation.

She began to cry and I pulled myself up onto the bed, letting her weep into my chest.

"You can't do this to yourself and not expect people to try and stop you, your father loves you so much." she nodded into my chest.

"What about you?" she asked. I knew what I thought of her, I battled with my thoughts for her but I had to be honest with her.

"I care so much about you, I don't know if it's right or if it's wrong, but I do." her grip on me tightened and I felt bad for being so honest, I didn't need anything else to confuse her right now.

"Please, I need to stay with you. I need to sleep." her voice was almost a silent squeal with desperation.

"You need to stay in the hospital tonight. They have to give you medication and fluids through this." I tapped the drip that stood next to her bed beside me, the one that was connected to the back of her hand with the IV line.

She gave a small nod and the look on her face was heartbreaking. I only ever wanted to make her feel better. I would have had her stay at mine if I could but she needed what she was getting here. It was imperative to her recovery.

"Can...Can, I mean if you want to. Can you stay here. Tonight." I hesitated for a moment thinking about all the implications on my job and my responsibility and what my father would say.

She let out as little sob, pleading with me. "Please don't leave me alone. Please, I'll never sleep."

Knowing I was going to be toasted alive for it, I couldn't help but agree. "Of course. I won't leave you, not if you don't want me too."

* * *

"Are you out of you're mind, Edward." My father practically shouted at me. It was so unlike him and I knew I was pushing him beyond his boundaries.

"You said to me I wasn't her doctor. I'm her friend. What if it was mum in that position, would you just let her be on her own."

"Bella is not your mother. You hardly know this girl. You haven't even known for two weeks, Edward."

"I know, it's fast and its ridiculous but she trusts me. Time doesn't matter." I argued. Time wasn't an issue. Okay we hadn't known one another long but there was something there, something that I struggled to deny to myself.

"No, Edward." he told me flatly.

"She needs someone. You can't do this to her, not when she has only began to be accepted by our family again."

"I'm not doing this to her, you are. You can't tell her you will be there for her like that. You have a job, you have responsibility. What about her age, for Christ sake."

"What about it?" what the hell did her age have to do about any of this.

"She's young." He told me flatly.

"She's not young, she's younger than me but she isn't a child." She deserved to be treated like an adult. She was one.

He sat down, pinching the bridge of his nose trying to elevate some of the stress that was swamping him. "Edward, you're in too deep. She is too much for you to handle and its clear as day that you have fallen for her-" I scoffed instantly at his words. I had not. I...I didn't know what I felt for her, but I hadn't fallen for her.

"It's not a question, its a fact. In the space of ten days you have completely tangled yourself in this girls life. You went into her house – twice – and have saved her life. I can see why you want to keep the connection there Edward, but you need to back away. I saw the way you were around her yesterday, I saw the look on your face and you don't even know her."

"So Alice can be friend with her, but I can't?" I asked just trying to clarify.

"Have you saw the way they they act around one another? Is that how you want to be with Bella?"

I shuffled on my feet at that one. I knew exactly how she was with Alice, they were so well connected and always touching. I was slightly jealous with the fact that Alice and Bella seemed to have no personal space boundaries with one another.

"I want to help her. I think I can but she needs sleep too." I told him honestly but still managing to avoid answering his question.

"From what I hear, she sleeps well with most guys." his tone was so flat, I hated him for it, I hated him for his words and what he was insinuating about Bella. Before I knew it I was rushing towards him, smacking a fist off of his desk.

"Don't you ever speak about her like that again." I was seething. How could he be so callous to her, he liked her, my family cared for her.

"You reacted exactly how I thought you would to that one Edward. You are not her friend, you want more. I can tell it in your words, I can tell it in your tone and everyone can tell it just by the way you look at her. You can't do this. You could ruin your career."

How could I possibly do that? As far as the hospital was concerned, my relationship with Bella was personal.

"You are so stubborn, its going to be your downfall. Mark my words."

I shook my head. "Put it whatever way you want, I'm staying with Bella tonight. Charlie has already agreed."

"It's not hospital policy for friends to stay. Family; yes, friend; no." Why was he pushing so hard against this.

"Screw the policy. She needs me." I was letting my anger take over but I didn't care.

"Edward, listen to yourself. That policy is your livelihood and she needs professional help."

"She needs someone she can trust." I spat back at him.

"What are you going to do when you are at work?" his brows rose waiting for my response.

I shrugged. "She has work too." I told him. I knew she would get back to that soon enough. She needed routine and work was part of hers.

Nodding, he agreed "But you work late sometimes. You need to be focused on the job too."

"I am focused on my job." This was ridiculous, we were going aground in circles here.

"You're focused on Bella more." I knew it was true, but I could never admit it.

"Chief Swan has given me the nod to help her. Let me try." I practically begged. I felt my knees wanting to give way, to kneel at his feet and ask for him to make this easy. I was going to help Bella, with or without his support.

He sighed after a few moments "Fine, but she is being released in the morning and if you have work, what are you going to do then?"

I had to think quick on my feet here. I had to show him I was serious. "Alice, she's home." I answered knowing there possibly wouldn't be anyone that Bella trusted more.

"She should be back in Seattle, she would be if it wasn't for Bella."

"But she's home and they can spend a little more time together before Alice goes back to College."

He gave up trying to argue with me. "Ask her." he rolled his eyes. "Though their is no point, I know what the answer will be." We both did, Alice would do anything for Bella, this was an easy one.

With that I backed out the room, heading for Bella's. I was going to get answers out of her. I was going to find out all about her, from her, not from the people of Forks.

* * *

Getting changed into a pair of scrub bottoms. I didn't know what I was doing. I had jumped in straight away, doing anything for Bella but my dad was right. I was breaking hospital policy and I was in too deep.

I felt ridiculous. My colleges were outside Bella's hospital room working and here was I, sleeping next to a patient.

I felt my position being compromised at my actions but I still couldn't let her down. I couldn't leave her. Not on her own.

Walking out from the en suite bathroom, I walked into Tanya replacing Bella's fluids for the night. She smiled up at me, her eyebrows raised at the makeshift pyjamas.

She never said a word though and Bella never noticed her expression.

"I'll get that, Tanya." I told her. It was simple enough for any one to do really.

"Daddy doc said I was to make sure I did it, sorry." her expression and tone was sincere and I wasn't too surprised that my father had made sure I did nothing medically to Bella while in the hospital. It was stupid and aggravating but he was trying to show me, that with Bella, I couldn't help her.

He had little faith in me and being able to help her. I knew he thought I was too involved to be objective and perhaps I was, but I was adamant that I could still help her.

Tanya finished with the IV line as I sorted out the fold away bed they had brought in for me though I was sure I wouldn't actually sleep in it.

With a goodnight from Tanya and a reminder that she would be in later on to replace the bag, she left us too it.

Bella had been quiet all night. I knew her body would have been feeling like hell after all she had put herself through but I was determined to talk to her.

I perched myself up on the edge of her bed, determined to continue our conversation from earlier.

"So, why were you in Houston?" I wasn't assuming anything else of Bella any more. If it didn't come from her, it wasn't true.

She looked up at me slowly, her face etched in pain. She slid further below the covers and she began to struggle. The look of terror that showed on her face during her nightmares washed across her features just then.

"I got sent there." It was all she gave out, all that she told me and I knew she was going to make this difficult for me. I was going to have to question everything to get answers.

"Does it have something to do with your mum? Your dad told me she passed away. I'm so sorry." I knew my mother had passed away along with my father but I had another mother, Esme. She was as much as my mother as my birth mother, if not, more. She had been the one who really raised me. I was so young when we were put into foster care that she had really been the one major influenced in growing up; her and my dad, Carlisle.

She looked down shrugging.

"I thought with the calls you made too her..." I trailed into the air.

"I never told anyone. Only me and my dad know and her family but she didn't have a lot left, She was an only child and so was my gran."

"Why, why didn't you tell anyone?" It still confused me. Why would they keep it quiet.

"I didn't want to think about it, about what happened." her voice broke and tears began to make tracks down her face.

"What happened?" I pushed.

"Please, not today. I will tell you, just not today." I nodded, letting her off.

"You do realize though that when you call her though, she isn't there?" It was harsh but I needed to know that she still knew her reality.

"I know, I know she isn't there. I just like to hear her voice and talk to her. I imagine that she is listing to me. It's good to talk to someone that can't shout back." She laughed a little before breaking down completely.

Heart-rending sobs came from her chest as she struggled for breath and composure. I went to her, laying out alongside her and pulling her into me. She gripped onto my t-shirt as she sobbed into my chest.

It was so heart breaking to see her like this again, to know that her mother was dead and that this was how she got by.

I shushed her in my arms as I ran my fingers through her hair, trying all I could to calm her. Her body was tense and she shook as she cried.

She fell asleep like that. Her body was exhausted with all it had been through and she needed the rest. I slept right along with her as she gripped on to me in her sleep.

She was so tired she didn't even wake up when Tanya had came in and changed her IV bag in the back of her hand.

I watched her do it silently, Tanya giving me a knowing look that I was perhaps doing wrong but I was also doing right.

She never said a word but somehow I just knew what she was thinking. She was no doubt concerned at the fact that I never slept in my bed.

She left as quick as she came and I fell asleep once more.

* * *

Wakening up, I felt a firm hand on my shoulder and my body tensed automatically at the intrusion as I gripped only tighter onto Bella who was still sleeping.

Turning my head, my eyes were met with my fathers and an incredibly pissed off look written across his face.

I carefully placed Bella down on the bed as I got out of it, hanging my head in shame at the fact I was caught in bed with Bella in hospital.

"What are you doing? How long have you been in there?" He was angry but he kept his voice low so not to disturb Bella.

Looking across at my fold out bed, I noticed that the covers had been messed with. It had been made to look like I had spent at least some time in it.

I silently thanked Tanya knowing it would be her, that she knew it would only make my father more mad if he was to find out I had spent the entire night in Bella's bed. It wasn't allowed. At all.

"She was having a nightmare." I lied. "I checked on her and she asked me to wait, I must have fallen asleep." I shrugged as I lied again.

He eyed me up suspiciously before taking a look at my bed and saw it had been slept in, or at least it looked like that.

He screwed his eyes tight. "Just get home. Get ready for work. Don't be late." he warned before he made his way out of the room.

Making my way to the bathroom I changed into my jeans and tried to calm my morning hair with my fingers. It was useless, it was always a damn mess.

I laced up my trainers and put on my jacket before waking up Bella to tell her I had to go.

I gently shook her as she began to stir below my hand.

"Morning." I told her softy with a smile. She gave a small smile back and I could have died with happiness that she had that smile for me.

"Morning." she croaked out as she tried to sit up.

"I need to go, okay." I didn't want to leave her but I knew I had too. "You're dad will be here later and so will Alice. If your dad has to go to work for anything, she will stay with you." It was sorted, Alice was only too happy to spend time with her.

I knew Charlie had an important job and there was a chance that even though he would take the day off, he may be called in with an emergency and I wouldn't have Bella, home alone.

She nodded, thanking me. "When will I see you?" her tone sounded a little desperate.

"Later, after my work, okay. I'll stop in to see you." I promised her. Of course I would be there to see her. Where else would I be.

"We'll talk later, okay?" I nodded to her as her face fell a little.

Without an answer, I kissed her on the forehead and left.

* * *

_**a/n; Ok please pleas let me know what you are all thinking of this story – I see it being alerted but I would love just a little feedback. Even just a little smily face – anything – just something to let me know what your thoughts are.**_

_**There is a video for this now – link to it is on my FF page. It is a lot of BPOV so I do warn you, there is spoilers. The truth comes out in the next chapter too!! **_


	12. Until A Weather Change Condemns Belief

_**a/n: The truth is here – take your last guess now at what happened to Bella**_

* * *

**Until A Weather Change Condemns Belief **

**EPOV**

Walking up behind Tanya, I caught her before her shift finished.

"Thank you." Was all I said.

"For what?" She looked a little confused.

"The bed? For keeping my ass out of my own grave that little bit longer."

She laughed as she shrugged. "I just thought it would help a little, it was no problem but I am worried about you."

Tanya was the same age as me, she had been in my year at school after her family had moved from Alaska and we had always got along somewhat. We weren't great friends, but we got along.

She was about the only person I recognised when I got back to Forks and she had been quick to take me under her wing at work.

"I'm fine." I protested perhaps a little too much. But I was. It was Bella I was concerned about.

"I know, but you're getting in deep here. I know Bella Swan, she has a lot of issues." I nodded knowing she wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know.

I sat down on the bench in the staff changing room as I caught my breath and my mind.

"I..I just don't know what's happening here..." Tanya took a seat next to me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I saw you that day you brought her in Edward, the day she came off her bike. You were so angry towards her, so vicious. You're a good guy and you see now that Bella isn't bad like you thought she was. Are you trying to make up for how you acted?"

I remembered how I acted, how I grabbed hold of her and pulled her around like a rag doll. I hated myself for that. But it wasn't the reason I was wanting to help Bella.

"No, I just...I just have too. I have to try." I told her honestly.

"Okay, that's fine but remember your job first. Don't do anything too crazy for this girl because you are already pushing it. Your dad is so pissed at you right now."

I scoffed with a little laugh. She was right but I knew he would get over it eventually.

We were silent for a moment.

"How much do you care for this girl, Edward. I mean you can have pick of all the girls in this town..." She asked with a little concern in her voice.

"It's not like that. She is my sister's friend. I'm helping her, that's all."

"Come on, Edward. Don't live in denial. You care for her – a lot. It's okay to have feeling's for her."

My breath stuttered at the thought. "I don't have any feelings for her. She's a kid." I tried to argue. I knew she wasn't a kid and I knew I had feelings for her but I would do everything in my power to hide them.

"Stop lying to yourself. You like her. I saw the way you held her as you slept." she told me matter of factly.

"Tanya..." I sighed, I didn't know what to do. She could see it so clearly. In this place, she was the only one I really trusted with the exception of my father. She had my back since the moment I had began my placement.

"She isn't a child, she is an adult. Don't let what other people think, put you off. Just watch both your hearts in this whole mess because it will be hard on both of you." She rubbed at my arm and it was if she knew exactly what was going through my mind.

"Am I totally fucking my job up against the wall here?" I asked in desperation. "Don't tell anyone, don't let anyone know about how I feel, please." I begged her and I wanted to cry. I was admitting to everything I had been trying to kid myself with.

"I'm not going to tell anyone, it's private. Out side that door in the hospital, your the professional, just keep it up, okay." her grip grew tighter, warning me.

"What am I going to do? I can't help it. I just got pulled under by her so fast. I do want to help her, its not just because I care about her."

She shrugged. "It's none of my business, Edward, but you have to watch what you are getting into here. I know she likes you, that she trusts you but she won't keep herself alive for you, not if she is so determined."

I narrowed my eyes at her, seething. "She's not going to die. Don't you dare say that." I growled at her.

"I'm not saying she will, but she is a self harmer, you know that, she poisons herself constantly with alcohol. The whole damn town knows it."

"The whole damn town doesn't know shit. They gossip and say what they want too."

"You're right, Edward. I know she is self harmer, the town just thinks she's a drunk with a reputation."

I wanted to reach out and hurt her like she was hurting me but I knew I couldn't hurt her. I wouldn't. She was only telling me the truth, and fuck, did the truth hurt.

I pulled on my hair in frustration, needing to vent out my anger.

"I'm not against you here, Edward. I have your back. I'm just not lying to you about the truth."

I nodded silently, understanding her concern.

"She has just completely sent my life spinning, I have this feeling inside my gut, this pain for her. When I found her..." I couldn't finish my words.

"Seriously, Tanya, how ridiculously stupid am I being?" I needed to know. I wanted to know. Maybe it could snap me back to reality.

"Oh, I have never saw I bigger dumb ass in all my life, but I suppose that's what love does to you?" she shrugged trying to lighten her tone of voice.

"Love?" I spat, trying not to laugh at her stupidity. "I care for her." I told her. Why would she think I loved her?

"Edward, how would you have felt if she did die? I know, I saw that look on your face. You looked like you had lost your heart."

"You can't say that." I felt so mad at her words, she was so flippant about them.

"Why not?"

"I don't love her."

"Yes you do. Oh, Christ, you're so stubborn. I'm going to smash some sense into your head off of that damn locker in a minute if you don't wise up." she pointed to the locker in front of me and I had a feeling she wasn't kidding.

"Live in your little bubble, pretend to have no feelings for the girl you clearly like and dance around the whole situation if you really want, but it will get you no where. You need to be honest with her too. It's clear she has a strong connection to you as well."

"She's not ready for that, she needs help, not someone hitting on her." I argued.

"What if that's exactly what she needs, what if she needs to know that someone can love her, despite what difficulties she clearly has."

"It's called taking advantage." I told her flatly, she was being ridiculous.

"It's called being there for her." She argued back.

"I'm not having a relationship with her. I can't, I can't do that to her."

I just couldn't do that to Bella.

She deserved better.

She needed better.

* * *

The rest of the day went on so slowly. All I could think about was Bella and what Tanya had said.

_Did I love Bella?_

It was stupid to even think it. Okay, fine. I cared about her but that was it. We couldn't be anything else, we couldn't be anything more. I could only imagine my fathers reaction that that one if it was the case and no doubt I would be dragged away from her by her father, thinking I really was trying to take advantage. And he would be right to do so. It would be taking advantage.

I had called Alice a few times, she had spent most of the day at Bella's home but Alice being Alice, she had managed to talk the chief into letting her take Bella over to my parents.

She was still there and I would see her when I finished work. I felt settled knowing that Bella was in my old home with my sister. She needed some more rest and I only hopped Alice wasn't being too much for her, but I definitely preferred knowing it was Alice who she was with.

Pulling up outside my parents house, I parked my Volvo. My father was still at the hospital and was still totally pissed off at me. He had made my day at the hospital difficult, sending me to do every stupid little thing that the nurses should be taking care of. I knew he was trying to punish me, so I took it and never said a word.

Walking in I saw Alice and Jasper knotted together on the couch, kissing as if there was no tomorrow. I coughed and the pair jumped apart, looking at me. Alice only gave a sly smile while Jasper looked as if I was going to string him up.

I only ignored what I had saw and continued "Where's Bella?"

Alice's eyes looked up to the ceiling. "She wasn't feeling too great, she went for a lie down in Emmett's old room."

I nodded at her words but felt a pang of jealousy that she seemed to stay in my brothers room and not mine, not even after the time we had spent together had she changed where she went.

I took the steps two at a time as I rushed up to the room, quickly catching my breath before I gave a small knock and let myself in.

The room was empty.

It was clear she had been lying on the bed but she wasn't here any more. I shook the dread out of my head as I headed across the hall and knocked on the bathroom door.

No answer. Pushing the door open, the room was empty too.

My stomach knotted wondering where the hell she was.

I ran through the house looking all over for her, calling out her name. Alice had ran to me during my search and she and Jasper also began to look everywhere for her.

Emmett and Rosalie arrived a short time later. They had something to pick up, I didn't know what, and I didn't care but my panic over Bella had alerted Emmett and he was also beginning to worry about her.

"When did you last see her?" Emmett asked Alice everything I had.

"I told you, she went up the stairs for a lie down. That was a few hours ago. I assumed she fell asleep and I thought I should leave her." She was close to tears, we were both interrogating her and she was panicking at her missing friend.

"Leave her alone. She's been thought this. We don't know where she went." Jasper told off Emmett.

Who the hell was he to think he could speak to either one of us like that. I raced up to him, shoving him in the chest with my palm as he stumbled back. "No, you would have been to busy trying to get into my sisters underwear to care where Bella went to." I shouted at him.

Alice darted in front of me, tying to push me back and I felt Emmett's hand on my shoulder pulling me back toward him. He gripped his arms around me, pulling me away from Jasper.

I was wrong, I knew I was but I just had to lash out at someone. Bella was missing and I had promised her father that I would help her.

"Easy." Emmett warned as he pulled me out of the living room, away from Jasper.

"We need to find her." I felt broken not knowing where she was and I knew It was coming out in the tone of my voice. I was so desperate to know she was okay.

"I know, we will find her, don't worry. She won't be far. She would be walking." my stomach churned once again knowing that she could have been pulled away by anyone along the quiet road to our house, from Forks.

Alice and Jasper were quickly in front of me once again and I let out a quiet apology to Jasper.

He only shrugged and said he could understand.

"I need the four of you to go out along the road, keep driving until you find her. Emmett, Rosalie, you head into Forks along the main road and watch out for her if you don't see her look around the town, but don't tell anyone, okay. I can't have her father knowing, not yet."

"I'm not looking for her." Rosalie told me, she wasn't as abrasive as usual, her tone had some concern in it.

I looked up at her in shock. She wasn't even going to help.

"She tried to kill herself, Edward. I don't want to have to see that. Sorry." The look in her eye was sorry and I couldn't argue with her. I would never want any of them to find her like I had.

"No, I'm sorry. I...I never thought. It's okay. I'll look for her myself." It would take forever but I had to try.

"No, I'm still looking for her, bro. This is Bella, I'm not giving up on her either." Emmett told me completely sure of himself.

"Me too, Edward. Me and Jasper will hit the road out of town and up to LaPush, we'll go onto Port Anagles from there if we can't find her. If she headed on that road, she wouldn't have got far, not yet, anyway."

Rosalie looked like she was trapped, she wanted to help like everyone was doing but I couldn't blame her on her fear.

"Rose, you can stay here and keep a watch out, let us know if she comes back." We did need someone to do that and if Bella was going to be walking through the door, she was going to be alive.

Rosalie gave a small agreeing smile, somewhat happy that she was still helping.

"What about you, Edward?" Alice asked.

"I'm going to check the forest." I nodded towards the bushy trees at the back of the house. I knew if she was out there there was a high chance she went to be there to try to end her life again. That's why I was doing it. I didn't want anyone else to see her like that.

My heart clenched in my chest and I felt like I couldn't breath with the possible realization that this time, I would be too late if she tried to do anything to herself.

* * *

I watched Alice and Emmett speed out the drive in there cars on the search for Bella.

Walking back into the house I looked out a torch as it was almost dark. I knew my way through the trees well but I still needed to be able to look for her.

I was relived that nether of my parents were home, both of them going out to diner after my father had finished work.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I...I just couldn't see that. If she had done anything to herself..." I stood up from my crouched position, from where I looked through a cupboard under the sink, meeting eyes with Rosalie.

I nodded, understanding. "It's fine. Really, I do understand."

"You really do like her, don't you?" She wasn't accusing me, she reminded me of Tanya and the concern she had.

I sighed, knowing I was running out of time. "I don't have time for this, I need to find her." It was all I said as I walked past her, grabbing my jacket and heading for the mass of forest, beginning my search for Bella.

I climbed through the shrubbery, stumbling as I walked, as fast as I could. I called out her name, hoping that she would hear me and answer me, that my voice was enough to do that.

I had been walking for about a good half hour when I called out her name once again.

I heard a faint call out in the distance, my name being shouted and I knew it was Bella.

Changing to the direction I had heard to voice, I ran through the trees calling her name constantly.

"Bella, where are you?"

I could hear the faint "Edward" getting louder and louder the more I ran. I picked up my speed, running as fast as my legs could take me.

I accidentally shouldered a tree and stumbled forward onto my knees before looking up to find Bella standing about twenty foot in front of me in the meadow I forgot that I came to as a kid.

"Bella?" I called out to her, trying not to startle her.

She turned around with tears in her eyes, running towards me. Reaching me she wrapped her arms around me as her body crashed into mine.

"Sorry, I'm so sorry. I got lost." she let out as fast as she could speak.

"Are you okay?" I asked her as I pulled her down into the grass with me, to check her over.

I looked into her red teary eyes and saw she had been in distress. She only nodded to my question.

"What happened?" Why had she been out here.

"I got lost. I went a walk to give Alice and Jasper some time, I was coming back but I got lost. I panicked and only got more and more lost so I remembered the best way was to stay in the same place and I hoped you would come looking for me. I have been here for the past hour. I though I was lost for good." she sobbed into my chest.

"I'm here, you're fine. You're not lost, not any more. I've got you, okay." I promised her. I had her and I wasn't ever losing her again.

I let her settle in my arm for a little while, letting her regain her composure. I called Rosalie at the house and she called the others to let them know I had found her.

Bella was safe and sound. She had been lost, but now she was found.

* * *

I pulled the covers up over her arms, making sure she was warm enough. She was in my apartment and in my bed and I couldn't have been happier to have her there, especially after he dramatics of the night and of the weekend.

She had called up her father to let him know where she was staying and to say he was unhappy about it would be an understatement. He was thoroughly pissed off but he let her have her way. He knew she was safe with me. If she was in her house there would be a chance that she would leave in the middle of the night anyway, so he let her.

She hadn't been home after being found in the forest, she had came to mine with the clothes that was on her back and had changed into a t-shirt of mine once again.

She lay there bundled up in one of my t-shirts that she could have swam across and the covers just below her chin. Pushing herself back out she laughed at my antics of trying to make sure she stayed warm.

"I'm fine, Edward. You don't need to wrap me up in cotton wool." Her smile was small and genuine but I couldn't get the fact hat I had almost lost her this weekend out my head. That I had almost had to live my life without her smile, her presence, her very being. A world without her would be unthinkable now.

I knelt down at the side of my bed, facing her.

"What if I want to wrap you up in cotton wool?" I teased gently with her.

"I...I'd say you don't know what your getting yourself into." she teased a little too but there was some dark honesty in her words also.

"Why don't you tell me?" I pushed gently. I prayed that she found the courage to get out the truth. She was a lot stronger than she gave herself credit for. She was a fighter. Her body fought to keep herself alive this weekend. She had a deep, inexpressible will to live that her body fought so hard for. It was her mind that was so hell bent on being shut down.

That aching look flexed across her features once again and I knew my words had brought back her memories again.

If only she would speak them.

"Please, Bella. Tell me, I need to know. I need to know to help you and I need to know because I care so much about you I want to ease your pain if I can. Please, try."

She looked down to the bed covers, her fingers trailing along the design of the sheets.

She took a deep breath and she began.

_She began to talk._

* * *

**BPOV**

**August 29 2005**

_I felt her grab me from behind, snapping me from my panicked stare at the water coming in at my feet._

"_We need to go, Bella. We need to go now." I had been trying to tell her that this was serious. that she needed to see what was about to happen, but she hadn't, she hadn't listened to me, she hadn't paid attention and now I was watching the water flood in around me, in our holiday home.._

_I didn't pick up anything. No one did. All we went with was the car keys, and the mobile phone I had in my hands._

_We raced out to the car, the wind so strong, I could feel myself lifting up from the ground. I knew we were in trouble. We were in so much trouble and I didn't think I was going to make it out alive._

"_Where are we going?" I asked as I climbed into the back seat of Phil's car._

"_The Superdome. The news had said people were going there for shelter. I don't know where else to go." We were living in a small ground floor apartment not too far from the French Quarter of New Orleans, being a private hire, there had been no place marked as a go to, in-case of an emergency._

_We were on our own in a city we didn't know and the biggest natural disaster of my time was on it's way._

_We drove through the city with the car struggling to get through the water, the engine being drowned._

_Phil struggled to control the steering, the strong winds forcing us off of the direction we drove._

_All around was water, wind and the darkness._

_The traffic lights swung wildly on there cables, many breaking and falling. People tried to stop us, wanting our car. It wasn't safe and and I didn't feel it either._

_We kept driving, driving along the side of an embankment on the road in the direction of the Superdome._

_We had passed it a few days ago. I remembered it well, I sat in the car looking up in amazement at the sheer size of the place. It was huge. So indestructible._

That's what I thought.

_I never thought that this would be happening though._

_The car coughed and spluttered as we reached up out on to slightly higher ground and I felt the car pick up speed as we drove long the side of the embankment. Phil still struggled with the steering, his fight with it seeming to get harder._

_The wind blew underneath us and I could feel the car shake but we drove on with all the speed we could manage. The car was empty but it was struggling with the damage that the deep water had done the engine._

_Pushing on through I could only think how right I was. I never blamed my mum but I couldn't help feel the regret of her not listening to me. _

_She thought I was being dramatic. That I was getting too ahead of myself._

_I pushed the thoughts to the side knowing this was no time for blame, so I braced myself for the bumpy journey._

_The car lifted at the back before it fell back down again, hitting off of the tarmac as we drove. We couldn't have had too far left to go, so I ignored it thinking about the safety that was getting so close. _

_I felt the car pick up off the ground again, sliding off of the road and down to the side of the embankment. _

_Panic filled me at the deep waters and the fact that we would never get the car back up, but Phil tried. He tried so hard but the rain had turned the sides of the embankment into marsh. It was useless but Phil tried again knowing that it would be almost impossible to walk to the Superdome, not only with the on coming hurricane but it would be almost physically impossible to walk the distance in this weather._

_The next moment it was over. _

My life...

My existence...

_Looking out the window I saw it coming. I tried to warn them. I pointed out the front window as my mum and Phil looked out the back window, looking for the car to start reversing._

_The never saw it coming. And part of me, thanked god for that._

_A boat was lifted out the water by the wind and had came in the front of the car through the windscreen, the nose of it catching my shoulder as it pushed up through the vehicle._

_Mum and Phil nerve stood a chance. They were struck by the impact and I knew by looking at them, they never survived._

_I shrieked out moments later when I had realized. They were gone. I couldn't even see my mum with the boat blocking my view._

_I saw Phil's eyes, all beady and full of death. I could see it. His warm caring personality had been ripped out of him with the impact of the boat._

_I felt tears begin but I knew I had no time. _

_I would never leave them if they were alive, so I did what I had to do. _

_I reached forward to Phil, resting my fingers along his neck looking for a pulse. There wasn't anything and I checked all along the length of his neck needing something, some kind of reading._

_I got out the car, holding onto the door as I opened his, I fought with the wind to open both mine and his, it felt like they were sealed shut with the force of the wind. Eventually, I got it open and began checking his wrists for a rhythm. _

_There wasn't one. He was dead, just like I already knew._

_I raced around to the other side, having the same difficulties with the door and reaching for my mother. I found her completely lifeless. _

_I cried so hard needing her to be here, to be with me. I couldn't be left here all alone, not by myself, not during this nightmare._

_I turned her lifeless body to me, seeing the cold dead look in her eyes that matched Phil's. _

_I struggled to breath and I threw up in shock. My hands trembled as I reached for her face, my fingers caressing her skin along her cheek. Closing her eyes, I reached forward and kissed her one last time on the cheek, saying my goodbyes._

_She had been taken away from me, and now I was all alone in the world._

_I saw nothing to live for but the need of survival pumped through my veins, telling me to keep trying, not to give up, not to let this disaster kill me too._

_With one last heartbreaking look back, I left them, beginning my fight for survival, completely alone._

_I climbed the embankment and struggled to stay on my feet for any length of time. I fought with the wind and the rain as I continued my journey to the place I knew I would get help._

_The full time the wind and rain whipped around me. The humid air, making it hard to breath._

_There was no one around me and fear creped into my head at the thought of someone coming out of the dark night to come for me, to hurt me._

_The closer I got to the Superdome, the deeper the water got. Soon enough I was wadding through it, up past my knees._

_I walked and I fell. I hurt myself so many times as I fell with the wind. I stumbled into small ditches, along the black path, never giving up, never stopping._

_My legs ached, I felt so cold and I didn't know if it was the temperature or shock. Breathing was becoming harder and harder and with another fall, I hurt my ankle as I hit the ground._

_I lay there wanting to give up. To die. My need for survival was fading and all I wanted was to be back with my mum and I wanted to be in that better place where I was sure she would be by now._

_I was in hell and all I wanted was out._

_I lay there on the ground, my head barely above the rising water. _

_I was giving up._

_I was tired and exhausted and I knew I couldn't keep walking._

_Closing my eyes I felt the water chill me more and more as I shivered harder and harder. _

_My teeth chattered, my head pounded and all I wanted to do was to fall asleep._

_I wanted to rest._

_Almost instantly I looked up to the sky hearing the engine of a helicopter and someone waving at me._

_I automatically waved back up at them before I saw the helicopter pull further to the ground._

_A large metal basket was released with someone in it and it began to lower to me. The man in the basket pulled me into him, gripping on tight and clipping me in before signalling to the helicopter to lift us up. It was so quick._

_I was safe. _

_I had been found _

_So why was the only thought in my head, to die._

_Reaching inside the chopper, the people checked me over and tried to help warm me up as I heard a a message being called out from one of the medics._

"_Coastguard had been grounded. This is the last chopper in the air. You're the last one to be saved before Katrina hits."_

_My stomach dropped at the realization that this was only the beginning of the hurricane._

_I felt cold and tired and giving up my fight I let the my eyes flutter closed._

"_We're almost there." I heard the medic call out once again. Opening my eyes he nodded in the direction of the Superdome._

_It didn't seem as big as I remembered from this distance and with the rain and all the debris surrounding it, it didn't look as indestructible either. It looked as weak and frail as I felt._

_Looking to the side of it I could see a half lit sign. It had either lost it's power or it had been damaged. _

_It's words though, I read them, I kept them. _

They were a sign.

The words were my sign.

They were my hope.

_In a white glow, the light read, _"The Saints Are Coming."

I would wait for my Saints.

* * *

_**a/n: Okay..? Starting to make a little more sense now. Did anybody guess right?**_

_**Please let me know what you think. Pleeeease!!!! Some serious lack of reviews I really could do with some feedback – Also the little vid I made on YT – if you haven't saw it – its safe for you to do so now!! xx**_


	13. Asclepius

_**a/n: sorry the ud for his has been so long, I have now finnisehd my other story so now my time will be spent on this.**_

* * *

**Asclepius**

**EPOV**

Getting out of my car, I saw Jasper place his and Alice's bags into the back of her car. Alice stood on the first step of the porch with a hesitant smile on her face looking at me.

She was still feeling bad about yesterday. I didn't want her to feel like that. I didn't. It wasn't her fault Bella had wandered out to the forest. Bella was capable of a lot of things and sneaking past without anyone noticing was easy for her.

"Leaving without saying good bye?" I was a little surprised. It looked like she was heading back to Seattle without telling me she was leaving.

Walking down the last step she made her way over to me. "I would have...I just thought..." her forehead furrowed forward. "I thought I would be the last person you would want to see, right now."

I knew I had practically swept Bella away from everyone last night but I had only been worried about how she was feeling. She was freezing when I had found her and I wanted to make sure she never got sick.

"Alice, don't be crazy...I know its hard..." I teased with a wink and with that she came to me, wrapping her arms around my neck.

I hugged her back tight knowing I was going to miss her, again. "Are you going to see Bella before you go?" I asked her.

She pulled away, shaking her head. "No, we said our good byes last night." her face looked sad and I knew that she was missing Bella already and all she wanted to do was avoid more pain. "But I will be back soon. I'll be back to see that you are treating her right." She rose an eyebrow at me.

It sounded as if she was trying to insinuate that there was something more going on than just helping her. I hated how it sounded, I wanted to stress it to them, so they knew I wasn't taking advantage of this girl but I knew my arguments would only be seen as something else.

"I'll try to help her." I promised. It was all I could promise her. "She did speak to me thought, last night. She was in New Orleans when Katrina hit." Alice gasped at my words covering her mouth with her hands. I struggled to look her in the eye as I told her.

It had been hard hearing her talk about it, her struggle to stay alive, then suddenly wanting to give up. What was worse was how she had saw her mum and her step father and the fact she had to leave them. It must have been the hardest decision she had ever had to make.

I felt my chest constrict at the thought and tried to not get emotional thinking about it. "Her...her mum and step dad, they died in it. They got stuck in the car and a boat had flew into the windscreen, killing them."

"Edward..." Alice gasped at my words as she pulled on my hands.

I didn't know what to think about that one. It truly must have been heartbreaking to witness that, and on some level I could understand her actions now but I also hated the fact that she had been so strong at the time and now she had began to cave in on herself.

"I know it's different, but I just struggle to see her tear herself down like this over it. She should be stronger." I knew it was so wrong of me to want her to be stronger, she had been through hell but it just killed me knowing she had pushed so hard and it seemed like now she had just given in.

"Edward, don't. I don't want you to think of her like that. Don't you dare. I need you to help her, not judge her. I thought we had been through this. You have saw through her, you see who she is, don't let the way she copes, make you pull always. You can't do that. You can't do that to her." Alice's voice was full of panic as she ranted.

"Don't worry. I wont. I know it's not the same, we have no memory of it, she does. I just...I just hate it. What it's done to her." I hated the fact that this was burned in her memory. My memories were practically non existent. _She_ could still remember the look in her mums dead eyes.

Alice nodded but I could still see the worry on her face. I felt like I couldn't breath thinking about Bella's face once more.

"I need you to look after her, please..." Of course I would look after her, I wasn't giving up on her. Alice's grip on my had grew tighter, worrying.

"I won't. It wont affect me. I'm going help her if its the last thing I do." I was certain of it. I had to help her, not only because Alice was begging me to, but she had finally put faith in me to open up to let her heal.

"Where is she just now?" Alice asked looking a little worried.

"She's at mine, she knows I'll be right back. I just needed to get some papers from dads office and I know how difficult he's being so he most likely wouldn't drop them off."

"Is she okay?" You could still see the glint of worry in her eyes. I wondered if she would always carry that for Bella.

"She was when I left, she was going to have a bath. I told her to take it easy. I should be at work but she needs me today, especially after last night." I had taken a sick day on my second week of my new job. My father was going to kill me when he got his hands on me. I knew it was a risk to do it, but it was only one day.

Alice shook her head, her little black spikes shaking with her. "Dad is going to kill you when he sees you." I only laughed at her words as I shrugged. It was too late now to worry about it.

Alice glanced up at Jasper. he had been standing by the side of the car keeping quiet the whole time.

"We should be going..." He called to her and she only nodded her head once more, agreeing.

"I...I need to go, Edward. But call me if you need too." If I was honest, I needed her hear with me, because I was sure there were going to be more walls between Bella and I, and Alice was my best way through them.

"I will. I'll tell Bella you said good bye." She reached up, hugging me once more.

"Tell her she can call me whenever she wants, to talk about anything, or just to even listen." I knew she would need that, Bella was going to have to face reality and see that calling her mum was doing nothing for her. It wasn't healthy.

With that, Alice and Jasper got into the car before driving off, down the long winding drive.

* * *

Walking back into my apartment I called on her. "Bella." I was sure I had given her enough time to get ready without her feeling like I was intruding.

"Through here." her voice called from the lounge. I could smell something in the air and I knew she was cooking.

Walking through I saw her stir at a pot and I was dying to know what was smelling so good. It was making me hungry.

She smiled up at me as I made my way over to her, to the stove to see. "What are you cooking, that smells delicious."

She shrugged shyly, "Its just some risotto, I thought you might be hungry"

"_Just_,_ some risotto_." I smiled at her words. I burned water so the fact she was managing this, I was more than little impressed.

She laughed at my tone, "Do you want it or not?" she teased.

"I definitely want some." I nodded. "Do you need a hand with anything?"

"Nope, doc. I have it all under control. You can have a seat." she ordered with the point of her finger to the lounge but I opted for the kitchen table so I could see her better.

I sniggered at her term that she called me. "Doc?" I looked up at her amused. I really didn't like that. That was what the nurses went around shouting, for my father, not me.

"What?" she looked over at me, questioning my surprised tone no doubt, as she began to slice through a big red sweet pepper. "You are the doc..." she looked over at me as if I was mad but she was still smiling.

"My father is, doc." I shook my head. "I'm not, doc."

"Your dad is a good man, nothing wrong with being given the same knick name." she shrugged nonchalantly.

I laughed at her words. I knew he was a good man, he was a good doctor but I still couldn't forgive him yet for the weekend, for me trying to help her. He was still bitter about it and I was bitter at him for not wanting me involved. "Maybe you should try being his son." I told her. Mumbling off, "He wasn't quite the good man at the weekend..."

Placing down the knife on the kitchen counter, she looked over at me, placing her hand on her hip. "He was only looking out for you. Its what they do. It's there jobs as fathers. They might not like what you do but they are there for you."

"You mean like how your father was there for you?" I knew it was a low blow, to have a dig at her father when he wasn't even here to defend himself. Instead I put Bella on the spot and I regretted it instantly.

"I'm sorry, that never came out the way I meant." I apologized but I would understand if she wanted away from me.

Her eyes dropped and she went back to her chopping and I wish I was able to see her face. "I knew what you meant. I get it. He leaves me alone as some kind of penance because...just because..." She sighed and I wondered if I was too much for her, after everything that was said last night, maybe she just needed something else to think about.

"He tries, he just doesn't know what to do." she shrugged again before letting out a yelp.

Jumping to my feet I rushed to her side, taking her hand in mine. She had cut herself with the knife because I had distracted her.

"Oh, god." she cried out as she began to sway. "I..I don't like blood." she seemed to distance herself as far as possible from her hand as she looked away, turning whiter by the second.

Taking her finger, I placed it in my mouth, sucking the blood dry from the wound. I could taste metal faintly on my tongue, the iron in her blood.

Bella stood there in shock, her eyes wide as she looked where her finger was. "Doesn't that make you want to be sick?" she asked, clearly disgusted.

Pulling her to the sink, I quickly turned on the tap and released her finger from my mouth, placing it under the cold flow of water.

"I'm a doctor so it would be a bit of a worry if blood made me squeamish." I laughed at the idea.

She looked up at me shyly, "Yeah but that...It was my blood..." she bit down on her lip nervously. "I could have anything."

"I'm pretty sure I never saw anything to worry about, that time I saw your chart." It was clean, her blood was fine. There had been so many tested done to her after overdoses and stomach pumps, that they showed her blood was fine.

She still never met my eye as she seemed to slope off into her own little world, not saying a word.

I reached for some kitchen roll, holding the cut tight so not to let it bleed out again and to help dry it off of the water. "Can you hold that a second while I look out a band aid?"

She looked up at me, giving a tight smile as she gripped on to her finger.

I was back with her second later after looking out a band aid for her. "I think your right, doc isn't your name. I think you're, Asclepius."

I looked at her, completely confused. "Who?"

"Asclepius, he was a Greek god." She said completely serious.

I laughed at her words, "You think I'm a Greek god?" I tried to hid my snigger at even saying that out loud.

Her eyes close shut and she turned the deepest shade of read. "I...I never..." She could barely get her words out after that one.

"I just meant you are like Asciepius, he was the god of healing. You know, the rod of Asciepius." she shrugged again, trying to avoid my eyes.

I looked at her, completely unsure of what she was talking about. "What?" I asked.

She laughed at my expression and she seemed like she began to relax a little.

"The little symbol on paramedic badges and things like that. The rod of Asciepius."

I knew what she was talking about, but only just. I saw those badges daily. They had them on ambulances, paramedic uniforms, they even had the little logo dotted around the hospital. It was a universal sign really, of some form of medic. The little white circle with the staff and the serpent wrapped around it.

"Is that what that is?" I asked surprised that she knew that.

She nodded a little. "You're, Asciepius." She shrugged.

"So its because I help people and not because I look like a god?" I felt a little gutted at that revelation. I would much rather her think I looked like a god than acted like one.

"Well...I suppose you look like one a bit, pale skin, sharp features..." she shrugged a little and by the expression on her face I knew she was teasing.

"So I look like a god and I have a rod?" I asked, so well amused at the things and innuendos this girl was unintentional saying. "So, tell me, is the rod big?"

She burst into a fit of laughter, smacking my shoulder with her hand. "You are bad. Here I was just trying to give you a knick name and you turn it into something dirty."

"Least give me a knick name I can pronounce. I thought the idea of a knick name was to make it easier, not harder."

"See, no genuine sentimentality with you, its all just about some quick fun." She laughed.

Before I knew it words were flying out of my mouth, to retaliate. "You, Bella, would never be some quick fun."

Her face faltered at my tone. I knew she had caught the true nature behind my words. She would never be some quick fun to me, not like how all those other guys had treated her, if she was mine it would be slow and passionate.

I felt myself panic as her eyes stayed locked onto mine, the astonished look across her face.

Quickly, I tried to change the atmosphere. It could never be something quick and fun, but at the same time it could never be anything slow and passionate either.

"Give me your finger?" I asked quickly and her face became confused. "Your cut." I reminded her with a nod to her hand and the bit kitchen towel around the little wound.

Shaking her head, she brought herself back to reality, back to where we were before I messed it all up with my inappropriate words.

I place the plaster on the cut as Bella looked off to the side. I didn't know if it was me she was trying to avoid or her cut. I prayed it was at the cut and the fear of blood.

"Anyway, I thought Saints were more your thing?" I asked, trying to keep some general conversation going. Not to cripple the atmosphere completely.

"Yeah...I suppose." she shrugged and I could feel the weight of my words pull down our afternoon.

"What's better? Gods or Saints?" I asked smiling at her, trying to encourage that life in her to flare up again. She had been relaxed right until I had put my foot in it with my words sounding like I was trying to get her into bed. No wonder she had closed up, here I was telling her she could trust me and then I was saying things like that. I was so annoyed at myself, for not being more careful of my words, careful of my damn mouth.

"Saints...They were people." She nodded slightly.

"Is Alice the only one that is a Saint?" I knew I had over heard the two of them talk, Alice telling her I was one, but Bella had got pretty upset at that entire conversation and I had no idea why. I knew I was no saint but the way Bella acted as Alice argued with her on it, it was so weird.

She tucked her hair behind her ear, her eyes going to the floor. "Who told you that?" she rushed out, panic lacing her voice.

I was taken aback, it was as if it was some kind of secret. "Alice said that she was Jude and I heard you talking about saints. I assumed that's why you called her that."

She nodded a little hesitantly. "Jude, hope for the hopeless." she sounded so serious, as if she truly believed it.

I laughed a little at her words, playfully elbowing her. "You must be bad if Alice is your hope." I told her playfully with a wink."

She laughed a little too and I could see the tension leave her shoulders and I knew that she was coming back to me, that she was relaxing once more.

"So...think that finger is up to some more chopping? I really want to try that risotto?" She nodded with a shy smile and made her way to the pepper and began chopping again.

I wanted to do something, I wanted to help her our. I didn't like her doing this for me but she seemed happy doing it. She seemed to relax again and the conversation turned back to general chit chat.

* * *

Watching Bella, she sat watching the television intently. She had gotten quiet and I began to wonder if she was worried about returning to work tomorrow. I knew that she had to go, not just for money, but she also needed routine. She needed something to occupy her and as dull it would be for her, I knew it was all she had to do. She didn't attend college, in fact I didn't even know if she had graduated high enough for that to be an option for her.

"Are you alright?" I asked in a hushed voice, looking for conversation but not wanting to intrude in her viewing.

Her head snapped to mine, our eyes meeting and I could see the dazed look on face. She looked like she had been deep in though and not watching the television after all.

"Fine." she smile tightly before her eyes drifted back to the television.

I left her for a few minutes and had got nothing else out of her so I switch off the television trying to regain her attention so I could talk to her. She was anything but "fine".

Her head turned around and she gave another tight smile. "That was good." she said it as if it had finished, not cut it off half way through. Now I knew she was distracted.

"Bella, it wasn't finished." I told her flatly.

Her brows creased as she looked back to the screen before looking back at me. "Really?" She asked confused.

"What is it? Is it work? Are you worried about going back?" I knew the Newtons were a nice family, well there son was questionable but that was just general talk amongst the younger population of the town. He had been in Alice's year but she never spoke of him. Alice never spoke of any one, to be honest. Well no one except, Bella.

"No, Mrs Newton is pretty nice to me. Well to my face at least." she shrugged. "I'm sure that's only cos my dad is the chief, but I can't complain."

"Well what is it? Something is on your mind." I knew there was. The fact she thought the movie had finished when I switched it off was indication of that.

She sighed and looked away. "I suppose its just waiting for the gossip to start again. Its a small town, everyone knows my business..." She sighed again and it was hard to hear. She was struggling here.

"No one knows your business, Bella. You were right, this town knows nothing and until they do they cant understand so don't think about it. All those people who talk about you, they know nothing. They don't know shit. Ignore them. All they are is arrogant assholes." I ranted out.

She looked back at me a little startled. "Easy." she put her hand up as if to surrender. "I know that, I do. It just doesn't stop the whispering behind my back as they watch me."

"Well tell the truth then, let them understand." I almost shouted my words at her. I needed her to be stronger than this.

"It isn't easy. It was painful enough to tell you. I just don't want to have to think about it again." She told me finally.

"Well your gonna have to, and you are going to have to work through it all. We will sit down and go through it bit by bit, injury by injury, nightmare by nightmare, and I will make this stop haunting you, make you stop living in the past." I was firm with my words and I could see the fear in her eyes at the realization of what was to come. But if we never go through it, she would never heal. She deserved to heal. She was completely broken and constantly risking her life, and trying to end it because of it. I couldn't have that. I couldn't have her die on me.

_She didn't get to leave me._

Not after she sent my world spinning in the matter of days of knowing her. Not after I had made the worst possible actions, trying to punish her. Not after I had saved her life and especially not after she had began to trust me.

She didn't get to leave me.

_Not ever._

* * *

Bella had asked if she could stay the night once more, and once more, I couldn't refuse her. It was almost impossible. Looking into those big brown innocent eyes, you just lay down to her demand. I knew it was weakening me, weakening my chance to help her. I should have been firmer and stood my ground, sending her home. But at the same time I couldn't do that to her, I couldn't send her home to nightmares. She would only distance herself from me and go back to strange guys and I couldn't have that either. I couldn't do that after I promised her father I would help her.

She walked in to my bedroom wearing one of my t-shirts once more and it made my heart leap as I looked at her. All it made me want to do, was to hold her tight, chase away her bad dreams and make her happy.

I took in everything of this girl, the small wave to her hair, the tiny red tone to it that you could only really see with the light bouncing off if it. Her chewed down nails. The freckles on her nose and her cheeks, in contrast to her porcelain white skin. Her tiny frame that looked like it could snap so easily.

She smiled at me, as she climbed in, some apprehension that flickered in her gaze. Was it at facing reality come morning or was it getting in beside me?

She rested the covers over the top of her and I made a move to bring them up closer to her chin.

She laughed at me and shook her head. "I'm fine Edward, you don't have to baby me." she sighed mockingly.

"I know. I just want to make sure you are warm enough." She radiated the cold when she climbed under the bed covers.

"I can look after myself." she laughed lightly and I wonders if it was true. Could she really look after herself. I didn't trust her words too much.

I never replied to her words, instead I reached for the lamp, turning it off, plunging the room into darkness with only a little glare coming in through the curtains.

We both shuffled below the covers in silence, trying to make ourselves comfortable. In one quick brush, I felt Bella's hand graze across the skin of my forearm. She was stone cold. I had no idea how she could constantly cool down like she did. It was a little worrying.

"Christ, Bella, your freeing, come here." I reached out in the dark, below the covers hunting out her hands. My eyes had yet to adjust to the blackness of the room but I found them, Bella reaching out for me.

I took both her hands and pulled her forward, closer to me. I placed them on my chest, my hands over the top of hers and hoped she would get a heat in her soon. I could feel the chill from her hands seep through the material of my t-shirt and it cooled me down too.

"How come you're always so warm?" She asked with an almost amused tone to her voice.

"How come you're always so cold?" I laughed back.

I felt her shrug in bed, "You know what they say, cold hands, cold heart."

I laughed at her words, she was wrong, wrong with the phrase and wrong with herself. "I think you mean, could hands, warm heart. I think that's a little more fitting for you too."

She sighed, "I don't know about that."

I shuffled close to her, moving one of my hands away from hers and sweeping it up her arm and up to her shoulder. I could feel the warmth of the material at her her shoulder on the t-shirt and I knew she was at least warm somewhere.

I was beginning to see in the dark by now and I could see the small beam of light hit off of Bella's eyes. Little white dots in the dark. I could see her features a little now, I could make out her noes and I could make out her lips, I could see the plumpness of her bottom one, waiting there, begging to be kissed.

She shuffled a little and it brought her ever closer to me. I could now feel her breath float across my cheek and it was incredible.

I shuffled a little again and I didn't know if it was because I was trying to make myself comfortable or if it was my body trying to will its self closer to Bella.

Fuck, this was wrong.

_So fucking wrong._

But I couldn't seem to pull away.

I never seemed able to pull myself away from her.

I felt my heart rate increase, I felt nervous. I could feel my breaths become shallower. I begged that Bella would never notice. That she couldn't tell the effect she had over me.

I hadn't even thought about it, but realizing now where I her other hand rested, it was across my heart. I didn't know if that was there I had placed it or if she had shifted it as we moved around earlier.

I could see her face a little clearer now. I could see the questioning in her stare as she looked right into me.

I felt like I was an open diary and she was running through all my secrets.

I closed my eyes, trying to forget what was happening, to will sleep to come to me. I needed to sleep, I needed to get away from Bella.

I had no idea what had happened for the air to change, it had been fairly relaxed. We had spoke a little more about her returning to work. Her telling me that she would have to put up with Mike.

Now all I could think about was her eyes and lips.

Her breathes still swept across the planes of my face and I opened my eyes to be met with hers once again.

I felt my heart jump a few beats in pace and I knew it was noticeable. She would feel it with her hand over my chest.

She licked her lips and my eyes were pulled to them. She wasn't trying to be seductive. It was a quick lick, meant to moisten her lips, it wasn't meant to tease me.

The incredible questioning look in her eyes made me think she was feeling what I was feeling and had no idea how to act. To pull away or to push forth.

We couldn't push forth. We couldn't

I felt myself grow warmer, the static electricity between us was menacing but so desirable at the same time. I liked this feeling. I wanted this feeling. I wanted it to stay and to never leave. I wanted to know if it was from curiosity or if there was something more behind it.

_What the hell was I doing._

I couldn't act upon it. I couldn't.

She swallowed down and her breath stuttered. I knew she felt it too.

I wanted to kiss her.

_I wanted her._

This was so dangerous. Her father would kill me if he ever found out anything had happened. Hell, he would kill me if he knew the thoughts I was having.

She shuffled closer again and I knew she was testing the water. She was testing me and she was going to watch me drown if anything were to happen.

_I was to help her. _

I was offering her a haven for the night, the chance to sleep without someone pushing themselves on to her.

I would not kiss her.

Her breaths grew shallower and I could feel the quickening of her breaths on my face.

Christ, this was so painful.

I wanted to reach out and touch her. Smooth down her hair, stroke her cheek and tilt up her chin towards me. I wanted to press my lips up against hers and feel the pillows of her pout. I wanted to taste her kiss.

I closed my eyes, trying to shut down my senses, or keep them, however you would look at it.

I tried to regain some control of myself. I had too.

_I would not kiss her._

I would not do it.

_I refused to._

I refused to let her down and I refused to giver her father an excuse to murder me.

_But then it was too late._

I felt the soft of her lip brush mine, I felt the pillows of her pout as she pushed forward and felt the stroke of her cheek as my hand betrayed me, cupping her face so tenderly.

It was almost as if it wasn't happening.

_It was slow and it was passionate._

And I felt my resolve for this girl, slip away.

* * *

_**a/n: I know I have been away for a while on this one but please review and let me know what you think so far.**_


	14. Wounded

**Wounded**

**EPOV**

I had kissed her.

She had kissed me first, but I had kissed her right back. I knew I was only digging my self in deeper but I had never meant for it to happen. For her to kiss me.

It only lasted a few minutes but they were perfect and they were great. They were everything I wanted but everything I couldn't have.

I couldn't let this spiral out of control any more than it had. I had to be firmer with her. I had to stand my ground before I found myself burred deep below it.

She had woken with a smile, her brown eyes twinkling. I wanted to reach out and kiss her again but I knew couldn't.

I got up swiftly, heading for the shower and quickly got ready as Bella organised herself before I dropped her off home, to get ready for her day. Mine started a lot earlier than hers so the fact I rush around wasn't something that Bella had picked up on.

Driving her home she was quiet but I think it was because she sensed my thoughts. That I was questioning everything that was happening between us. I was to help her, not fucking, try it on.

Pulling outside her house, I saw Charlie twitch at the curtains and was glad of it. Surly she wouldn't try to kiss me with her father watching.

I rested myself against the frame of the window, waiting for her to get out of my car.

She sat there, paused, looking up at me. I didn't want to see those eyes because I didn't want her to know how I was feeling.

"So...I'll see you later?" she asked a little more shyly.

I nodded at her words and croaked out a low "okay," at her.

I still had to help her, I had promised her, I had promised everyone. And I was going to do it.

"Alright...I guess I'll see you later, then..." her word hung in the air and I refused to meet her eyes or even reply back to her. I didn't know when "later" would be.

She got up out of the car and I felt the shake of the vehicle as she slammed the door behind her, obviously annoyed at my lack of communication.

I couldn't think about it right now, because right now I had to go face the music for my day off "sick", yesterday. My father was going to go though me.

* * *

Placing my hand on he large wooden door, I pushed through with my eyes landing on my father instantly.

"Ahh, Edward. I was wondering if you were going to show face today." His tone was sharp and he was annoyed at me. This was going to be hell.

"Yeah, I feel better today." I lied. He knew it too. I was waiting for it though.

"For Christ's, sake, don't lie Edward. It only makes you less of a man if you can't own up to your downfalls." He quipped at me, leaning back on his large leather chair. "Tell the truth." His look was expectant. He knew why I was off and he wanted to know everything.

"Fine, I was making sure Bella was okay. I wanted to keep an eye on her." I felt ashamed at the fact I had take a day off to baby sit her when I knew Charlie was wanting to see her but I still believed he couldn't care for her the way I could. She trusted me, there was something obviously there. Not even mentioning the kiss, there was something there and it was growing at an erratic pace. I just didn't know how long we could go on like this until it devoured us both.

"You cant put her ahead of your job like that. You will get sacked. You need to focus on yourself, and not her. She needs help, better help than you can give her." He snapped, he crossed his arms and was looking at me, waiting for me to argue him.

He knew it was coming.

"I can help her. I know I can. I just needed to make sure she got through yesterday. She is working today." I knew it was what she needed but she could have so easily argued and said she wasn't going to go to work, but she was trying. We were all trying.

"You cannot help her though, Edward. She will keep you shut out. It's how she handles whatever trauma it is. She is blocking it out, she needs a psychologist, not a rookie who thinks he can save everyone." He was growing more infuriated with me, but he was wrong. She wasn't shutting me out. She had opened herself up far more than I had expected her to have.

I pulled at my hair, pulling myself in from going off on one. I had to be reasonable and I had to be calm if I was to show him I was in control of the situation. "Her mother and step father died. She saw it happen." I saw the look on my fathers face change, he uncrossed his arms and shuffled forward in his seat, absorbing my words.

"She was in New Orleans when Katrina hit. She made it out alive but not before she saw her mother get crushed by a boat." he sat there, his face expressionless. He was in shock at my words.

"_She is talking_." I told him slow and deliberate, pronouncing all my words clearly.

"She is..." His face was still in shock.

"I wanted to be with her yesterday because she had brought up all that once I had gotten her back to my apartment, after she had been lost."

My father knew everything about our little search and rescue party for Bella, but he was surprisingly understanding about it. I don't know if it was because he knew it was so easy to get lost in the thick bush behind our house or the fact Bella had been standing right in front of him at the time. I didn't care either way, all I cared about that he never spoke out of turn in front of Bella.

He was quiet, caught off guard at my words and the fact that Bella had began to speak.

His eyes looked off into the distance, over my shoulder and I could see him thinking, his mind working away.

I hadn't explained fully to him in which the manor they had died, it would only raise concern for me and I was swallowing down my own feelings about the matter. My only priority was, Bella. Nothing else mattered. Not even me.

Final he spoke again, his eyes landing back on me once more, "How was she?"

I shrugged. "Yesterday she seemed okay. She was laughing." I knew that our time in the kitchen had given her some time to think of something else, we joked about. It was only my words that ever caused disruption with the flow and even that never seemed to stop her for too long.

I was impressed with how she was handling it. I wondered if it was the fact she had shared it, her load becoming lighter, and all that...

A small smile flashed across my fathers lips at my words and I could have hit the floor in shock. He was amused by this. He cared for Bella as much as the rest of my family but never really knew how to help her, the fact she was opening up and that she was still able to laugh, it was provoking something inside of him.

He lead back in his chair with a sigh. "I was wrong. I'm sorry." his eyes fell to the table and he was apologizing for not realizing I could get her to open up. "She trusts you, that is good. It is. But she needs real help. Make sure she gets it."

We both knew that it wasn't the time for Bella to get real help yet, not if she was to do it on her own grounds. This had to become real and Bella needed to understand and accept it before she would speak to a stranger about it.

"I will." I promised. I would take her to the best I could find. I already had someone in mind and hopped that if she trusted me, she would trust me to let them help her.

"Just watch those lines, Edward. Having her in your bed will only confuse her. Let her know that you are there for her, to help her and be a friend, but that is it." I felt my self grow warm at the fact that I knew that was a line we had already crossed. I needed to take a step back, to uncross that line and I needed to do it without hurting Bella in the proses and make her understand.

"Friends..." I agreed. "That's all this is." With those words I felt myself slip further into the quicksand.

* * *

It had been a long day and I needed home. I wanted to crawl beneath the covers and hide away like the kid I felt.

I knew I had done wrong and I knew I needed to fix it.

I should have sent her away, I should have slept on the couch. I should have done it a million different other ways. But I didn't. I let her sleep in my bed because when she is next to someone, it stops the nightmares and when she kisses me, I'm just a weak son of a bitch, waiting to take advantage.

I finally got home and I climbed under the cover to hide, just like I wanted to. But I forgot about Bella, I forgot that her scent laced my covers and instead of helping me, it only infuriated me. I was acting recklessly with this girls life and I was going to push her to the edge if I wasn't careful.

There was a knock on my apartment door and I was positive it would be Bella. I pulled myself from my bed, still dressed in the shirt and trousers I had wore to work. I had climbed straight in, not even thinking of how I looked or what I was wearing.

There was a knock at the door once more and I felt myself rushing to it, rushing to the girl I knew who would be behind it.

I reached it, opening it up to Bella standing there looking beautiful. She was in simple jeans and t-shirt but she looked great. She wore a little hesitant smile, with her hands out to me, offering me a casserole dish.

"I thought you might be hungry so I made you a little of what I made for Charlie." She stood there, waiting to be invited in, her hands still out waiting for me to accept her offerings.

"You shouldn't have, but thank you." I took the glass dish from her and I could still feel the warmth of the food.

Her smile grew as I accepted the dish and I made me want to reach out and touch her like I had last night.

I motioned for her to come in and she followed behind me, closing the door behind her.

Wandering through to the lounge behind me, she took off her jacket, slinging it over the chair by the window.

She glanced around the room before her eyes landed on mine with another smile. Her footsteps were curious as she slowly made her way to me, getting painfully closer and within touching distance. It was too much. I slipped behind the kitchen counter, determined to put space between us.

She never saw the reason behind my action though, she saw it as me getting closer to her food.

"It's beef strogonof. I hope you like that." she shrugged with a nod to the dish.

I loved beef strogonof. It was one of my favourite things to make but it had been so long since I had it, mostly due to the fact I couldn't cook a damn.

"It's great...thanks." I wasn't hungry though. I knew I had to sit her down and speak to her. We had to talk about what happened last night.

"I was-"

"I was-" we both spoke at the same time, both instantly stopping to allow the other to speak.

"You go first." I told her. She might get upset with where my conversation was going, so I needed her to speak first, in case she wanted to speak about anything.

She smiled at me giving a small nod. "I was... I was wondering if its cool that I stay here again?" she smiled again. "You know, just cos I had a pretty great sleep last night." The expression on her face told me everything. She was looking for it to continue but I couldn't let it be that way.

The smile on her face pained me, I knew I was about to rip it right from her.

"No." I told her firmly, her face faltering instantly. "What...what happened last night...I shouldn't have. That was wrong of me to let it happen."

Her mouth hung open at my words, she was clearly hurt, you could see it in her eyes.

"You need to go back home. I can't help you like this." I was decided. She was not sleeping in my bed any more.

"So-. How-. What am I meant to do? I cant sleep without you." Her tone was quiet and husky with her breath catching in her lungs.

"No, you can't sleep without _anyone_. You need to learn to sleep alone. I know its hard-"

"Hard!" she roared at me. "Hard. You think its hard? Hard, Edward, would mean taking a sleeping pill, not trying to kill myself. It's not hard. It's impossible." You could see the anger in her, pushing her words.

"You need to learn to be stronger than this. You can't just use me for a decent night sleep." She needed to take this on and sort her mind out. Sleeping in my bed was doing nothing for her.

"I never used you. This is about last night. You think it was wrong-"

"It was wrong." I interrupted her. "_I _was wrong." I corrected.

"No, last night, you weren't wrong. I wasn't either. You know what this is, you just can't admit it. You like me. I know you do."

"Not like that Bella." I shrugged. "You were just a girl in my bed." I dropped my eyes knowing the lie I was telling and knowing the pain I was causing. If I was honest with myself, I was throwing her away from me. She would never accept my help now and Alice would be devastated by my actions.

Her eyes swelled with unshead tears and I knew I had pushed too far. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of her tears but it was too late. I could see them.

She grabbed at her jacket, rushing for the door.

"Bella, don't leave. I still want to help you." She paused for a moment and glanced up at me.

I saw a lone tear spill from her right eye, trailing down her skin.

"You were right, Edward. I need to be stronger than this, but I'm strong enough to walk away from you. I though I could trust you. Alice promised me I could trust you. I can't. Why should I have to admit the truth when no one else does."

She slammed the door behind her and I heard the bang of the apartment door go only moments later.

I had totally fucked up and there was no way for me to take it back.

* * *

It was nine o'clock and she still wasn't answering her mobile phone. I tried calling it and calling it, time and time again. But there was no answer. It didn't even ring, it only ever went straight to the answer phone.

I had showered, trying to relax a little, to ease my tense muscles but it did nothing for the nerves in my gut. What was she doing to herself right now? Was she hurting, was she in pain? Was she even conscious?

The thoughts went around my head in a loop, never ending and it became to much for me to bare.

I had to find her, I had to see she was alright.

Rushing to my feet I grabbed my keys off of the kitchen counter and rushed out the door heading for my car, to look for Bella.

I sped all the way to her house, the entire journey a blur. I never thought for a second at all. I only slammed on my breaks out side her home before rushing to the top step and banging on her door. I heard movement from inside and Charlie opened the door to me.

He never spoke, he only eyed me wearily.

"I need to speak to Bella." I demanded. I needed to see her and I was tempted to shove past him to get to her, but I knew I couldn't.

"I thought she was with you." His face growing furious at my words.

Turning around I noticed her truck wasn't in the drive. In my speed to speak to her, I hadn't noticed her truck wasn't here.

_Where the hell was she?_

Picnic filled me and that raw feeling in my gut, grew. I wanted to be sick. If I had caused her to do anything to herself I would never forgive my self.

I grabbed at my hair, trying to stable myself. "I need to find her." the words whispered out my mouth before I knew it.

"What happened?" his voice shouted at me, obviously he was well aware with my expression, that it was me who had messed up.

I shook my head trying to ignore my words. "We need to find her." I told him.

He rushed inside, grabbing his keys and slammed the front door closed behind him as he raced to his police cruiser.

"Where are you going?" I asked panicking. If he had any indication of where she might be, I needed to know.

He shook his head at me, like I had shook my head at him.

"Go home, Edward. I'll deal with her. This was a bad idea from the beginning. I knew I should never have listened to you." He was angry, but he was angrier with himself.

"No, you were right too. She opened up. She told me about Katrina and she told me about her mum. I just pushed too far tonight." I lied again. I couldn't tell him the truth, he would never let me near her then.

He wore the same look on his face as my father had. Shock. "She told you?"

"Yes. That's why I need to find her." I was pleading with him to let me know where she could be.

"Go home. She will come to you if that's what she wants." He wasn't arguing, he was just trying to make it easier for Bella, to give her the choice of help that she wanted.

"No, I need to speak to her. To tell her I never meant it." I was clutching at anything. I just needed to see her, see that she was fine.

He eyed me suspiciously. "Never meant what? What did you not mean, Edward?"

"To push her so much." I lied again.

He sighed. "I'll tell her that." he shrugged.

"I'll follow you." I threatened, my tone was desperate and it was ringing out, so Charlie wasn't arguing any more. He could tell I was desperate. He must of understood how I felt. She must have made him feel more than desperate on a few occasions. Desperate for her to hold onto her life.

"I cant stop you." Was all he said as he got into his car and drove away.

I followed on after him. I needed to see her and the fact he hadn't completely ordered me away, it gave me some hope.

We drove through the town and up onto the road, past First Beach and onto LaPush.

I had no idea where he was taking me but I remembered briefly that Bella had a friend in LaPush.

We drove along the road and turned onto a large field, a garden. You could see the house of it with a large garage next to it. The garage was almost as big as the house. Outside the garage Bella's truck was parked.

Pulling up at the house, Charlie got out of his cruiser and I parked up beside him, following his actions and climbing out from my car also.

He glanced across at the garage, light coming out from a crack in the door.

"She must be with Jacob. She will be fine, he will be keeping an eye to her." It was all he said as he started in the direction of the little bit light coming from the garage.

"You can go home. She will be fine. I'll tell her to call you."

"Charlie, I just want to see her with my own eyes and apologize. I'll leave if she wants me to."

He sighed a little, knowing I wasn't going to give in. "Fine, but if she tells you to go, you go. Not another word."

I nodded at the serious look on his face. "I promise."

Making our way to the garage, Charlie opened the door, letting me walk in first. It was empty.

At least I thought it was empty.

My eyes focused on the entwined bodies in the back seat of some Volkswagen. My temper flared as soon as I saw it was Bella laying beneath the beast of a guy in the car with her.

"Bella." Charlie shouted as soon as my eyes had landed on there bodies, alerting them to our presence.

But I had no control. It seemed to have disappeared, or perhaps I had left it back on the front door step at Charlie's. Either way, it was gone.

I flew for the guy, opening the car door and pulling him out of the car. He was shirtless but still wore his jeans, albeit the buckle and buttons unfastened.

I got him out the car and swung a punch at him, smacking him in the corner of the eye.

My fist tightened and I reached for him once more, desperate to cause him the pain I had felt at seeing his hands on Bella.

_He had no right._

He should never have been touching her.

I smacked him again and I felt my arm being grabbed by Charlie. Bella's voice calling on Jake. She rushed to him, cupping his face, her bare back towards me. She was topless too and it only pissed me off more.

I fought to get out of his grip, his police handling skills being used at there best at trying to control me. But I still tried to fight him off.

I wanted to leather that guy.

I though he was her friend. What the hell was he doing taking advantage of her like that. I wanted to know exactly why his hands were on her and how he thought he could get away with it.

_She wasn't his. _

I thought she cared about me.

_I thought she wanted me. _

I fought against in Charlie hands and despite the warnings he was yelling at me, I couldn't work them out. His words were white noise and I had no idea what was going on, other than Bella was being taken advantage of by that guy.

I never stopped my pull on Charlie and I felt my feet being kicked out from under me as I smacked my head of the solid concrete of the floor.

I felt my chest smack off it too and all air left me.

Bella shrieked my name, panic in her voice.

I felt her hands on my face and I struggled to focus. I was numb but I felt this agonizing pain rip through my head and the weight of Charlie push down on my body.

"Let him go, he wont fight. He cant." It was Bella and I saw her face in front of me as she tried to look at my head.

Charlie let go of me and Bella began to push me up, to try and make me sit. I was completely dazed but everything that she was doing was magnified. I could smell her, I could feel her and I could see her. I could see that look of worry in her eyes as she pulled at the edge of her t-shirt, trying to wipe blood from my face.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled at her. Knowing just how much she hated blood, and here I was, bleeding all over her.

"You're apologizing for bleeding?" She smile lightly and I felt like I had been saved.

Focusing on the material, I could see she never wore her shirt, instead she had it pined across her chest by her arm, trying to cover her shame in front of her father and the rest of us.

"Get off my land." I heard the guy call to me.

Looking up at him, his long hair was messed up and his face was clearly bashed. There was going to be a bruise there and I had been the one to cause it.

"Go. Now. You have no right to be here." he shouted again. I could see him tremble with anger and I was grateful to Charlie for holding him back because if he came at me right now, I had no chance. I don't think I could even stand.

"Hey, don't you start acting like you never asked for it." Charlie bit at him. "I thought I could trust you with her. I though you kept her safe. How long has this been going on?" he looked at Jacob and then looked at Bella.

She cringed at his tone and his question, avoiding it.

I wanted to know the exact same answer.

"What did you come here for , Edward?" she was soft with her words and concern in her eyes.

I struggled to stay seated as I looked into her eyes, begging for forgivingness. "I came to say, sorry. I never meant what I said."

She gave a small understanding nod, accepting my words before she looked up at her father.

"I'm going to take him home."

"I'll take him, Bells, you get back home."

She rose to her feet, holding on to my hand. "This was my doing. I'll fix it. I'll take him home." her tone was nothing to argue with. She was clear and she was adamant and I was happy.

"Don't blame, Jake, either, dad. This was my doing. Stop pretending that it isn't."

He only nodded at her words as she helped me to my feet.

* * *

She had drove me home, driving my car. I didn't let anyone drive my car, but I had no other option.

Filling up a bowl of hot water she added some antiseptic. The skin of my cheek was all burst open, the harsh concrete having been covered in grit and small stones. It was going to look like shit come the morning. I also had another bash on my eyebrow but the bleeding on that had stopped, but again, it was going to look horrendous come morning.

She shook out some painkillers for me, handing them to me before she set about my face.

"I can't believe you hit Jake." she moaned into my ear.

"I can't believe you let him take your top off and try and screw you." I bit back.

The atmosphere was tense. Despite the warmth I had felt back in the garage at her care for me, she was now cold towards me.

"That has nothing to do with you." she told me as she wiped my cheek.

I cringed from the sting of the open wound and I could see her face looking a little triumphant at my reaction.

"Enjoying yourself there? Just...Just leave it alone. I can fix it." I tried to fight the cotton wool ball out of her hand but she wasn't letting go. Instead I held onto her fingers and there was something in me, unable to let go.

"Edward." she sighed as her eyes landed on our contact.

"I meant what I said. I didn't mean it, earlier...You weren't just some girl in my bed."

She fought her hand out from mine, concentrating on my face once more. "Just keep your mouth quiet until I finish this up, other wise you might just be drinking it."

I rested my hand on my knee knowing had to keep my composure for that little bit longer.

She fixed up my face for me and once she was finished she looked at me, waiting.

Licking my lips, I tried to find the words. "I know what I said. But you have to understand where last night puts me. You saw the way your father was with Jake tonight. I will get it even worse if he found out about that."

She looked away from me but I brought her back to me, pulling on her chin so her eyes would meet mine.

She was going to be the death of me. I knew it.

"What was going on with you and him anyway?" I felt the anger bubble again, thinking about what I saw. "He had you fucking topless."

"What does it matter. You don't want me, I get it. You are just trying to cover yourself for Alice's and my dads sake. You don't need to. I'll go to my dad in the morning. He wins. I do it his way."

I knew I didn't want this. Forks mental heath program consisted of drugging them until they didn't know what way was up any more. She needed to speak, she needed to let it out of her. She may have needed some form of anti depressants but what they would give to her in the start would knock her out.

"No, please. I'm not trying to do that. I..." I sighed and stood up, seeing my scabbed face in the reflection of the window.

"Fuck, Bella. We cant have it like that but it doesn't mean I cant help you." I shouted at her.

She rose to her feet. "You _are_ helping me. Just because we want to be together doesn't mean you will mess me up." She reached for my hand and it was as if she was begging me.

"You need to learn to do this on your own. You cant use me to rely on as a partner. You need to find your own strength." I knew she had to. She had to look deep down within herself and begin to help herself from this nightmare.

"What if you were my partner though. What if we were together before this. Would you just walk away from me?" Of course I wouldn't. I could never walk away from this girl, that's how she was in my apartment again.

"No, I would help you, of course I would. But that wasn't the way it was. This is the way it is. We're friends." she cringed at my words, and I cringed at my words from the inside.

"I want you, I know you feel the same. You cant lie to me. Last night proved everything."

"Yeah, well last night you weren't trying to fuck some other guy." I shouted at her. Her words were getting to me, they were getting in deeper and deeper and I was going to give in if she kept going on.

"But I never, because you came and stopped me. You told me you never meant what you said earlier. You took it back, you cant just throw it in my face all over again. How did it make you feel seeing him on me? Did it piss you off?" She was menacing now, she was pushing and she knew how the hell just to work me.

Of courses it pissed me off but I wasn't admitting that.

I ignored her words.

"How about that fact he had taken my top off, touching me in all the right ways." She slid a hand down my chest and I knew she was fucking with my mind but I couldn't stop that thought. That image. Looking down at her t-shirt it was covered in my blood along the shoulder.

I though about his hands on her. He shouldn't have even been touching her.

"No bra. I made it easy for him." she teased out viciously. She was exactly that girl I had dragged out of that bar that night. She knew men and she knew how to get a reaction from them. She was toying with my mind.

"Enough!" I screamed at her, swiping my hand at the casserole dish that was still laying out from when Bella had came, the food still left untouched.

I could feel myself pant with rage. She looked up at me, still silently challenging me.

"Admit it." she ordered lowly.

I had too. I couldn't fight it any longer. I knew I had went racing towards this girl at the speed of lightning but I couldn't stop myself. _I still couldn't stop myself._

Racing towards her, I grabbed hold of her, crashing my lips against hers, pushing her in to the table.

She wanted me to admit it. I was damn well admitting it.

She broke away, shocked by my actions. Her eyes bore deep into mine before she kissed me once more, pulling me down to her as I rested her on the table.

Bella was light, but I wasn't. If I put my weight on to this it would snap and snap me back to reality and I wasn't ready to give into that just yet.

I needed this. Every look, every touch, every time she whimpered in my arms after a nightmare, this was all I had wanted to do. To hold her and kiss her. To let her know I was here. That I wasn't going away.

She had me, she had me any way she wanted.

I knew the reality of this, what it meant. But I couldn't listen to it. Not right now. Not tonight.

I wrapped her legs around me as I lifted her from the table.

Stumbling through the apartment with her legs wrapped around my waist and her lips pressed against mine, I made my way to my bedroom. It was late and she wasn't leaving me and I wanted to have this, in _my _room, on _my_ bed.

Her fingers clawed at the hair on my head and I never wanted the sensation to stop.

Making my way into my room I crashed down onto the mattress of the bed, trying not to squash her at the same time.

Her lips were needy and she didn't seem to want to stop.

Her taste was so sweet and I didn't think I would ever get enough of it.

She pulled away once again, her eyes hesitant.

Instantly I pulled back, up off of her, resting on my heels. She lay there open to me in her jeans and blood stained t-shirt.

She quickly followed my pose, but pushing forward, kissing me once more and I accepted it. I wanted it and I needed it.

She pulled at the hem of my t-shirt lifting it up over my head, only briefly parting our lips as she did so.

I held on tight to her hips. Determined no to make the same move, but just like last night, Bella did for me, what I felt I couldn't.

She pulled her own t-shirt, lifting it swiftly over her head and discarding it off to the side, beside my one.

I had to look, she wanted me too.

I felt my jeans grow tighter as my body reacted to her. I wanted her so badly, so desperately.

Kissing her again, I pushed her back down on to the bed, blanketing her with my body.

* * *

_**a/n; ok please, just one little review – it doesn't take long.**_

_**How do you think Edward will handle this one?**_


	15. The Movement You Need Is On Your Shoulde

_**a/n: a lil bit of Bella to start with today**_

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* * *

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**The Movement You Need Is On Your Shoulder**

**BPOV**

Watching Edward while he slept was great. His face was relaxed, the brooding look was gone and he seemed content.

He shifted below the coves a little more, revealing the jeans that he still wore from last night. He kept them on and I still wore mine also. He seemed to lose his composure as he kissed me, the doctor leaving him, and him being only Edward. But without the doctor in him, he was still thoughtful and considerate and refused to take last night any further than the kisses he gave.

His body was toned and long. His skin, pale and he really did look like some Greek god. I cringed at myself for the words I had slipped out the other day. I had never meant it to sound like that. But I couldn't lie, he was quite stunning.

His low slung jeans showed off the trail of hair leading to below the line of the material. It was so simple but incredibly sexy at the same time.

Reaching out, I had to touch his chest once again. My fingers would never grow tired to the electricity I felt below them as I touched his skin.

Touching him, my fingers trailed along his shoulder, some definition of muscle even present there. He was breathtakingly beautiful, so much it almost hurt. There must have been a queue of girls after him, no wonder he was so hesitant about coming near me. I was trouble. We both knew it and I was understanding if it was his own personal thoughts about me that would stop him from wanting to be with me, but not what others thought. No one would understand so why should we care about there input.

His hand grasped on to mine lightly and looking up to him, his green eyes sparkled.

He wore a small smile on his face and I went to him straight away, needing to kiss him.

He pulled me in close, his arms wrapping around my bare waste and I could feel the light tickle from the hairs on the backs of his arms, brushing against my bare skin.

He rolled onto his back, taking me with him and only deepening our kiss. His tongue trailed along the inside of my mouth, him pushing it further and further in. It was becoming slightly uncomfortable and it had me worried. Last night he had only ever been gentle with me.

I pushed at his shoulder, breaking our kiss and looked at him warily wondering exactly what was going on with him.

I never had to speak, he knew what he was doing.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I..I'm just not wanting to face reality. Its morning and I'm going to have too."

His grip was still tight around my waists and I found myself settling between his legs. Freeing one of his hands from my back, he stroked my cheek. "None of this is going to be easy. I know I cant take back last night and...I don't want to either. I just want to lay here all day-"

"Why don't we." I jumped in. I would love to do the same. All I wanted to do was lie in Edwards arms and feel normal, to feel like I belonged. For him to make me feel wanted, like how he had last night.

"We have to work. I cant even risk it after the other day..." he sighed heavily and you could hear the stress he was under. "Besides, I want to know about last night."

I had been hoping that he wouldn't bring it up. I felt so guilty at the sight of his poor face and the scab he now wore, because of me.

"Please, just not now. I don't want to talk about that. I just want to enjoy the little time we have until you need to get ready."

Looking at the clock, it was early. We still had almost another hour before he had to begin to get ready for his day.

"No, I want to know why you did it. Is it some kind of defence mechanism. This is what you do, you go to men to sleep, is that what you thought you could get from him?"

He still held me close but I had had enough. When would he see it for what it really was. His words had hurt me and all I wanted to do was to retaliate. There was no second psychological guessing to this. It was me, a girl, hurt buy the boy she cared for.

Pushing up away form him, I wanted to be back in his arms again. I was still topless and I felt the cool air of the room surround my back without Edwards arms to keep me warm.

"Why do you always have to be the doctor?" I asked quietly. I could feel myself choke up at his vision of me, would he always see me as some broken patient that needed to be patched up or could he see me for the person I was. I knew I wasn't the best for him, but I was still a human being.

He shuffled up on his elbows looking at me. "I'm not always the doctor. Look at me, Bella. Do I look like some doctor to you?" His head motioned down to his stripped torso.

"We might be topless Edward, but you still always manage to slap that label on me. Everything you say is the doctor in you."

He sat up reaching for me. "That's because you need a fucking doctor. You need help."

He was right, but he was so very wrong at the same time.

"Why can't you see me for who I really am? I went to Jake last night because I knew when you found out, it would hurt. I wanted to do that to you. It wasn't some deep thought inside me, not realizing. I wanted to do that because you had hurt me. I wanted to hurt you back and I knew it would. I...I just never expected you to come after me and for you physically get hurt. That...that wasn't my intention."

"You think I wasn't going to come after you?" he shouted. "You think I didn't worry that you had done something to yourself?"

"That's your problem, Edward. You see me with this wreckage. That my mind needs fixing, and maybe it does. But I still want someone to see past that and care about me. No one cares about me. No one except Alice and Jake." I shrugged as I quietened on Jakes name knowing it could upset Edward.

"He cares about you?" he laughed bitterly at my words. "If he cared about you, he wouldn't be trying to get you into bed."

"You mean like, you?" I motioned to exactly where we were. In Edwards bed.

"It isn't the same. He was trying to get into your jeans, I was trying to keep them on you."

"Don't speak about Jake like you know him. You don't. You don't know how we work-"

"How you work? How long have you been screwing him, Bella?" he shifted closer to me, grabbing hold of my wrist, not letting me escape his questioning.

""He loves me. He treats me as if I'm normal, like you do half the time, the other half of the time, you treat me like some patient."

"I never treated you like a patient and if he really loved you, he wouldn't take advantage like that."

I shook my head at him, "Don't you see, it's me who is taking advantage of him. '_Poor Bella, she doesn't know what she's doing.' _Well its a lie. I know I go to him and he makes me feel better. When he treats me like a normal person I feel like I could be normal one day. I know he cant help me. But he's there for me. I need you to be there for me, I need you to treat me how you would treat someone in our situation..."

"I don't know how to treat someone in our situation. How come I'm the one that has to know everything when Jake gets away with nothing." He was pissed off and I had no way of helping him, I needed him to understand first.

"Because he never promised he would help me and he isn't the one I'm falling for." I swallowed hard, my words sticking in my throat. "When I ask you to treat me like how you would treat someone in our situation, I don't mean as some patient, I mean...as a girlfriend."

He had to see there was a difference.

His eyes looked surprised by my words. He looked startled. "Bella, I don't know if we can have that..." I wanted for him to see that something really was going on between us, why not be his girlfriend.

"Why not? What makes me so different from all the other girls. Yes I know the obvious, but what is it, am I not good enough to be seen with?"

"I'm to old for you." he argued.

"That didn't stop you last night and it didn't stop you this morning. Why would it be so bad if we were together?" I knew the reason, he just wasn't admitting it. He was ashamed to be with me, he was worried about his reputation and I couldn't blame him.

He scrunched up his eyes, struggling not to say the wrong words to me. "It's not what you think, Bella. I want to be with you, but I made a promise to other people. I promised your father. He trust me with you."

"Exactly. He knows that you want to help me, why cant we have it both ways. I want to be with you." I was begging him.

"I...I just don't know what this is." he shuffled closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me into him. "I care about you. So much. Every time you do these things, it hurts me. I know how you are, how your brain is. Right now your focusing on me but when you don't and you have a bad day...What if I'm not there, Bella. I cant keep trying to save you if you wont do it yourself. You wont survive and neither will I."

I saw the genuine pain in his eyes. The pain I was causing him. I hated it. But I only wanted to make it better.

"Well don't turn away and I'll keep fighting it." I had to have him believe it. I didn't want to leave him, I only ever want to leave behind the pain.

He pulled at his hair and I reached up for his hand, kissing the palm of it before resting it across my heart. I need him to want me back. I knew he did but he was to determined not to allow it.

"Please...just let me be normal." I didn't want him to think of _that_ girl any more. I knew it was hard. He had saw my medical notes he saw the things I had done to myself. He knew my secret. But he couldn't turn me down because of it. It wasn't fair that those things should haunt me like that. It wasn't. I never knew when I was doing all of those things, that he would find me, that he would let me in and make my world better.

He bowed his head, nodding. Looking back up to me, he agreed. "Normal."

Pushing myself up onto him, I kissed his lips fervently. I needed this. I needed him. I was falling in love with this man and I had no idea how he had tore down that wall, all I knew was that he had and he had me, open and exposed.

I slid up onto his knee, my legs at either side of his waist. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me in the way I knew he could. In the way that none of the others did, not even Jake.

Our chests touched as I held him in close and continued kissing him.

His hand cupped my cheek, holding me in the most gentle pose. His touch alone could break me.

I reached for the button of his jeans, swiftly opening it up. I wanted this.

His hands instantly clamped down on mine, stopping me from unzipping his fly. "No, Bella, no." he breathed out his words and I wasn't entirely sure he wanted me to stop. It sounded like he wanted me to stop for what he thought was right, rather than what he wanted.

"Yes." I breathed out across his mouth, fighting to get to him.

He snapped away from me. "I said, no, Bella."

I put my head down in shame at trying to force myself on to him. He wouldn't want me like that after he had caught me with Jacob. I was wrong for even trying. "Sorry." I mumbled out, feeling utterly ashamed of myself. "I..I understand." I shrugged.

"What do you understand?" he asked a little confused.

"That you don't want to be with me, not after you saw me with Jacob." He had every right to feel that way. This was my doing once again.

He pulled me to wards him once again. "No. That's not it, Bella. I had no right to act the way I did. That was your business. I turned you away and when I saw that, I got jealous and I just snapped."

_He was jealous of Jacob?_

"I don't know what to do here, I know what's right and I know what's wrong, but what is wrong, feels so right." he sighed, aggravated with himself. "I'm not making sense here, I know that. But you are so quick to tell me to stop with the labels when its the same thing you are asking me to do. You are asking for me to commit to something I know I shouldn't. You want me to tag it as something, so we can show it off to the same lions that are already judging us."

"I...I didn't mean..." I didn't know what I wanted from him, I never meant for it to sound like that. All I wanted was to be with him, for him to want me too.

"I know, Bella. Just can't we take it as it comes. I'm not keeping it quiet because I'm ashamed of you. I'm anything but. Those bastards don't know what there talking about. I'm proud of you for getting to this point. I just don't want to rush into something that you are not ready for. I know you think you are, but I don't want you to depend on me and it could happen."

I didn't know what to say. I understood him and he was right. I accused him of labelling and it was the very same thing I was trying to do.

I only said what I knew to be true. "I want to be with you."

He nodded at my words. "I want that too, and I want to be, be with you." I understood his words, he wanted me physically. "I just want to take it slow. There doesn't need to be a rush, does there?"

I shook my head. He was right again, what was the point of rushing into this in any more than we already had.

He gave a small smile and it warmed me from the inside. "You know, I have sometime before I have to get ready. Do I get to kiss you once more?" he asked so shyly and I felt myself blush at the sweetens of his tone.

I nodded shyly as his mouth came down over mine and we kissed once again. He rested me on my back and lay between my parted legs. Through the two layers of denim, I could feel him and I knew that he wanted me, but despite the cries his body gave, he didn't give in.

He wanted to go slow.

And I was happy with that.

* * *

"Bella, really? Is that you?" He asked confused as he felt my forehead.

My smile only grew as Mike teased me at work. As much of an ass he was, I couldn't help but admit that he was a decent guy. A little dim maybe...but a relatively decent guy.

"So what got you smiling? You know I thought after your little pill swallowing contest at the weekend ..." He shrugged as he fished off, meeting my eyes.

"My what?" I knew what he had said and I knew what he was referring to but I wanted to know where he had heard it from.

"Bella, you know I never meant it like that. It's just gossip right?" he was questioning me and even though he knew that I had been off, it hadn't been mentioned that it was because I had overdosed on medication.

_I had to stand up and make it real. _

That was what Edward told me. I needed to admit the truth to myself and everyone around me before I could get real help.

"No. I tried to kill myself." I admitted unashamed. Edward had made me feel inferior. I knew why I had done it. Life was hard. It was unbearable for the most and after my fall out with Alice, it broke me. But I still needed to admit to these defeats within myself.

He looked at me in horror. He didn't know what to say, and honestly, I didn't expect him to say anything.

"I'm...I'm...I..I..-" he stammered on his words, completely unsure of what to say to me in this moment.

"It's okay, Mike. I understand, you don't have to say anything." he really didn't. The fact he hadn't ran away was enough for me.

"Are you okay?" he sighed. "I mean, how are you doing? I don't know if I can help...but...you can always talk to me if you want?" I seemed more like a question, especially given the hesitant shrug.

"Well I told you that. I think that's enough for your little brain to handle for one day." I patted him on the head with a little laugh.

"Really? You are managing okay?" He looked at me, still curious to know the hows and the whys but still afraid to ask.

"I'm doing okay. I have someone helping me. I suppose I felt like I have turned a bit of a corner. Its a small corner, but its a turn none the less." I was feeling proud of myself.

I remembered at feeling so ashamed of myself when I had got lost in the forest behind Alice's house. I worried that Edward would figure I was a lost cause and had thought I had went out there to attempt to end my life again. I had been so relived when it had been him that had found me and had cared for me, making sure I was warm again.

When we had been in the kitchen and he let it slip, that to him, I wasn't some quick fun, I could hear the sincerity lace his voice. I knew I could trust him. I had trusted him, but I had trusted him with my mind when I opened up about Katrina. Now I was trusting him with my heart and the concern he had showed this morning only proved to me that he genuinely had my best interests at heart.

I knew he didn't want those feelings for me, that without them it would make it all easier. But he had and he was trying his best to give me what I wanted and what I needed alongside with what he wanted.

He was mad at himself for being weak and kissing me. But he shouldn't have. It was something out of his control.

He wanted to control the situation, and in a sense, find some control of me. The thing that he failed to notice was, that he already had.

I knew I pushed him. I dug verbal jabs into his brain until he lost control, and in that moment, it was some truth from him.

I didn't like those words leaving my mouth, not when they were directed at, Edward.

I went to Jacob in the hope that when Edward found out he would feel the knot in his gut too, that he would realize it was there and it was connected to me. He couldn't control it, and the fact he had lashed out at Jacob like he had, it proved everything.

I only wish I had never saw that pain. I knew how it felt because it was the same pain he had inflicted upon me before I had left his in tears.

I knew it was wrong, immoral and just generally the shittiest way to treat people, both, Edward and Jake. But that feeling of rejection had me lashing out and doing the wrong thing for all the wrong reasons.

I was ashamed at my actions, but I couldn't regret them, they had only brought Edward and I closer.

I told Mike the truth because I knew I needed too. I needed to let this out and let the truth prevail, letting the rest of the town know the reasons why.

There was always gossip of my visits to hospital, the people of Forks mumbled it between themselves but I knew I was talked about. But I had never admitted it before. Telling Mike was a huge step, but one that seemed so easy, knowing I had Edward there if I needed him.

I didn't know if Mike would tell anyone my revelation, though a part of me hoped he would. It would save me a job. Things like that got passed around the Town like wild fire and I knew my admission to it would only intensify that.

But I knew I could handle it. I had Edward.

* * *

**EPOV**

I heard the front door close as she called my name out into the apartment. "Edward..?"

I couldn't help but laugh at the fact she had been comfortable enough just to walk into my apartment like she had. "In here, Bella." I called out to her, some anticipation building after this morning.

We had talked and even thought we had agreed to take things slow, I knew she wouldn't be leaving my apartment tonight, not if she didn't want too. I was completely weak on that one. After seeing the pain etched on her face with the nightmares I had been witness too, I couldn't send her off home, knowing that would be the result.

"Hey..." She called out with a smile on her face and a sparkle in her chocolate brown eyes. She peeled off her jacket before crashing down at my feet, on the opposite end of the couch from me. She was desperate to say something. She couldn't hide it.

I rose my eyebrows at her, wondering what was going on.

"I told Mike I took an overdoes." she let out triumphantly. The words and her tone sounded wrong together but I knew it was completely right.

"Well done. How do you feel about it?" she didn't look worried by it but I had to check. I had to make sure she was processing this okay.

She nodded her head. "Pretty good actually. He was okay with it all. Well as much as you could be with that." she shrugged before sliding out along the couch, her head coming towards mine.

"Do I get a treat?" she teased with a wicked glint in her eyes. I knew what she was looking for, she wanted a kiss and I was only too happy to give her one.

I reached her lips, kissing them softly, chastely. It was nice and I wanted more, though I was determined to hold onto my sanity a little more and not push too far. Her kisses from this morning had been with me all day. I couldn't stop thinking about her, them and that magnificent chest that she didn't seem to mind having on display. But I had to remember to keep the jeans on. _The jeans had to stay on, no matter what._

"How was your dad after last night?" I didn't want to ask but I was more than positive he would be concerned about the whole situation.

"I never saw him this morning, but when I got back home, Jake was waiting to see him." She just left it there. I had to know what happened, so I prompted her again.

"And...?"

"And..." She sighed. "My dad is fine. He doesn't blame you. He knows you were just looking out for me. He was a little mad at Jake, but he's always had this warped idea that we would get together...I suppose he never thought like that though..." She chewed on her lip and you could see her mind drift back to her day.

I pulled her perfect bottom lip, out from the clutches of her teeth. "How was Jake?" I pushed.

She shook her head, clearly not wanting to go there but this was the least of her problems, so she really needed to get it out.

"Bella..." I tried.

Her eyes glazed over and I reached for her hair, tucking it behind her ear, letting me see her face. She was upset about something. I just didn't know what.

"I had to lie to him. I kept it quiet, that I have been staying here. He would only get angrier at the whole situation. He was mad that I told you what happened to my mum. He doesn't know and he's mad it wasn't him I went too. He was mad that it was you who found me too. I just tried to keep it to a minimum, you know?" She shrugged.

She cared a lot for this friend and she was doing everything in her powers so he wouldn't be hurt but the truth was, it was inevitable. Bella had already been asking for us to be something, if that was to happen, he would surely find out the truth.

"I don't lie to him, I never have done." there wasn't a doubt in her words or s hesitant thought.

"Well, don't." it was simple but I under stood it, though it wasn't going to help anyone in the long run. "Didn't he ask where you have been?" She had spent so much time with me, if he was her friend he would have been concerned.

"He doesn't ask any more, he doesn't like the answer." And I didn't like the answer to that either, but I knew I had to put her past out my head, it wasn't her fault. This was how she dealt with things.

Pushing her self further into me, I embraced her warm and her need to hold onto someone right now.

I felt her warm breath on my shirt, her damp air clinging to the material. I only tried to comfort her. Today she had a win but at the same time, she still felt some loss.

Kissing the top of her head, I smoothed down the back of her hair, her soft brown waves tickling the palm of my hand.

"Do you want to do something?" If she needed to get away for a bit, that was fine. If she wanted me to drive her to the end of the land for some peace, I would have done that for her, despite the tiredness I felt after my late night and early morning.

She shook her head. "No. I just want to lay out here, with you." I was happy with that answer.

We lay in a comfortable silence for about an hour, neither one of us feeling the need to speak and both of us thinking. I knew she would have been thinking about, Jake, but I had been thinking about her. The best way to help her.

I didn't know if I was helping any more. That was the truth of it. I was worried that things had become too personal. But that's how I was helping her in the first place. Being personal. She trusted me because of who I was and not because I wore a white lab coat. I wasn't a doctor to her and nor would I ever be. I would only be the one trying to help her get he life back on track. Yes, I had contacts I knew that in time could help me, but right now all she needed was someone to lean on and listen to her, someone that she trusted completely. If I dared to attempt to pull away and become the doctor, that would be lost.

I was sure she was sleeping. Her breaths were shallow and even and her body completely relaxed. I was tired myself and I knew I could do with an early night.

Lifting her up in my arms, she stirred, mumbling something incoherent to me as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

I placed her on my bed, pulling at her trainers that she still wore and began to unzip her hooded top that would be too warm to wear to bed.

I glanced down at her jeans and had to hold in my amusement. I had told Bella I was trying to keep them on her, but after last night and the nuisance they were to me as I slept I knew she would need to take them off. I unfastened the material and she began to help me fight them off in her half conscious state. We got them off and she was out for the night, cuddling into one of my pillows. Quickly I wrapped the bed cover around her to keep her warm and I began to strip myself for bed, discarding my jeans and t-shirt.

Brushing my fingers across her cheek, she seemed to lean into my touch a little. I bent down kissing her gently on the cheek before shifting below the covers and falling asleep for the night.

* * *

I could feel a trail of hot kisses long my neck, trailing down to my collar bone. It felt fantastic and my hand reached into Bella's hair, pulling her in closer. I didn't want her to stop. They were fantastic little pecks, caressing my skin.

I opened my eyes, noticing how much darker it had got since we had fallen asleep. I glanced at the clock and the red glow told me it was a little after three in the morning.

Reaching down to Bella's lips I kissed her and she kissed me back with a passion. I let my hand trail down her sides as I gripped on to her waist. I wasn't right sure if I was trying to stop her or encourage her.

I felt her climb over me and rake her fingers through my hair. We were cloaked by her mass of brown hair and all I could smell was her, she was so damn intoxicating and inviting.

I tried to remain calm, keep my composure, but it was slipping further and further away every moment she kissed me.

I rolled her onto her back, bracing myself around her hips. I never let up on kissing her. I couldn't.

Both of us began to pant for air and breaking away we caught our breaths as she continued to push me on further. Her palm ghosted my chest, down and then back up to my shoulder before her sensual touch carried on down the length of my arm, gripping onto my right hand.

Her hungry kisses started once more, pressing firmly against my lips and I only fought harder to get closer to her, as if it was possible.

Pulling on my hand she pulled it down between us, directing me. I wasn't sure what she was actually doing until I had touched her.

Instantly, I froze.

"No, no Edward. Keep going." She sounded as if her life depended on that touch but I couldn't do that.

_We were meant to go slow._

I tried to pull my hand away but her grip was tight and I was too stunned to fight my hand out of hers. Part of me was battling to keep my hand there, I was sure of it.

I sat up from her a little, my hand still resting where she held it, over her centre.

_I could feel her._

She had her underwear on but I could sense her warmth and I knew she was turned on. It wasn't helping my inner battle.

"Just let it happen. Its going to." She was sure of herself. _Positive._ And it scared me a little. Okay, it scared the shit out of me.

I wanted it but I still couldn't decide what was right and what was wrong. To help her was right, to have her was wrong. _But was loving her, right or wrong?_

I knew I wasn't just going to have her. I had a lot more respect for her than any of those other fuckers that thought they could touch her. This wasn't some quick thrill to satisfy my needs. This was a want and deep, deep want, for her to only ever have the best. I wanted to be the best guy for her but I didn't know if I was capable of being that person.

There were still too many hows and whys and what ifs. Everything was grey. There was no simple line between black and white and I knew that she might never get over her trauma, that it might have to be something that she had to live with. But was it something I could live with?

My hand still rested on her sex, the need to have her, killing me.

I looked into her shiny brown eyes, filled with unshed tears and I knew my hesitation was rejection in her eyes. It wasn't. My hesitation was at myself. Was I really the guy she needed in her life right now?

I knew leaving her would only devastate her further, and if I was honest, it would only devastate me, too.

I swallowed hard.

_I needed to make a choice._

* * *

_**a/n: Please Review**_

_**Okay sorry this took as long as it did, I have been kinda snowed under – and for even moer bad news...my cousin is visiting me so I wont have another UD for about a week – so so sorry! xx**_


	16. Strawberry Fields

**Strawberry Fields**

**EPOV**

"Bella, no. You are not going anywhere." Jumping from my bed, I chased after her, out my bedroom door and along the hall. There was no light on and my eyes were only just beginning to adjust to the darkness.

"Go to Hell, Edward." she spat at me while she tried to pull her jeans on as she walked to the lounge, no doubt on the search for her trainers and jacket.

She stumbled backwards as her foot got caught in the leg of the denim. Catching her with my hands, I helped her up back to her feet as she tried to fight me away.

"Will you just leave me alone." She barked at me, quickly looking over her shoulder, narrowing her eyes at me. She still continued on her way, determined to leave.

"Bella, I said no. Listen to me. You are not leaving at this time of the morning. Come back to bed." Back to where she had no nightmares. Back to where I could watch over her and know she was safe.

"NO!" She screamed so loud it could have pierced my ear drum. I grabbed hold of her, silencing her with my hand. That's all I needed, Bella attracting the attention of the full apartment block. Her father would kill me for causing her to act like that. I had already had looks from neighbours, I knew _they_ thought that they knew her, but _I_ also knew that they really didn't so I ignored their glances.

She fought in my arms but I held her tight. She needed to calm down and listen to me. She was always one for stomping out, she never listened to reason or logic.

I felt her teeth bite down on the palm of my hand and I instantly threw her away from me, my instincts kicking in. I would never meant to do that, or to ever hurt her, it just happened.

She fell to the floor and bumped the side of her head of the wall with a dull, thud. I was instantly on my knees in front of her, my stomach churning._ I had never meant do do that. _

Pulling gently on her chin I checked her head, there was nothing there but a bump was sure to form, but she tired to clutch on to the spot, obviously in some kind of pain. She began to sob and the tears poured from her eyes like a fountain and I wanted to kick myself. She was never going to keep her faith in me.

"I said, leave me." her words were stuttered, her breath struggling in short pants. She was so damn stubborn but this time I couldn't blame her. She was still trying to shift away from me.

I pulled her into me, silently apologizing. "I never meant it."

_I thought I had made the right decision. _

I still didn't know if I was right or wrong. I had turned her down and now she thought I was rejecting her.

"I need you to listen to me. Not just at the bit you want to listen to, but all of it, okay..." I was already on my knees, I would have begged if she asked me too.

She never acknowledged my words and I wanted to shake her and make sure she was paying attention. "I want this to be right. I don't want sneaking around. I want it how it should be." But I wanted to get her on track first, before we dived head first in to that one.

"But you don't want anyone to know... Just tell me. You don't want me, because I don't know any more." She still sobbed but I still held her.

"I want you. I do. We just don't have to rush. I thought we agreed on that one this morning." It was the same entire conversation, all over again.

"But its gonna happen. Why not now?" She wiped at her tears, harshly and I pulled away her hand, gently thumbing them away so not to make her skin sore.

She sighed, "I was only looking for you to show me...show me that you really do want me. I wasn't looking for that. I just wanted you to put your hands on me."

I didn't know if I could. I was afraid of losing control and needing her too much to be able to stop myself. It wasn't her I was only concerned about. I had happily wrapped myself around her finger, waiting for her to need me. I wanted her to need me, because I needed her. My fear of her becoming to reliant was based on my own need for _her_.

I really couldn't see a way back, to a life without her in it. She swamped me, my mind, my senses. I needed her, to know I would see her, to get through my days.

I had been trying so hard to stay objective and for her to keep a distance. But I knew that was shot to hell now.

"Bella, I really want you. Fuck, I do. But last night killed me, I wanted all of you. Just remember I need to keep control. I don't want to ever put too much of myself on you." I stroked her cheek as her glassed eyes shone up at me. She always looked so innocent and it only made me hate myself. Was I taking advantage of her, was that all this was. I knew it wasn't but what would her father think?

"You can have all of me." she breathed out, trying to kiss my lips. Words like that weren't helping my resolve. She was dissolving it with that look in her eyes alone.

I pulled away before she kissed me. She couldn't just offer herself like that to me. There was this edge and I was gripping on to it with my life.

Her words sounded innocent and I was sure that this wasn't the line that she usually gave out to the other guys. She was being sincere and that's what was making this harder.

"Please, don't push me away. I want to be with you. No one has ever really cared about me, they take what they can get. I know your different. So... just, please, let me have this. I want to be with someone that cares about me and that I care about them. I've never had that before."

My heart shattered into a million pieces with the crack in her voice and her heart breaking words. How could someone like her be over looked and treated like crap. It was only more fuel to her blazing, unjust reality.

I pulled her into me, kissing her softly. She needed loved and that was what I was going to give her.

She had been right. It was going to happen. I knew it was, I just tried to pretend it wasn't.

I felt like I was almost obsessed with her and that was a piece of her I would always be desperate for.

I ran the tip of my nose along her cheek and I felt her shiver below my touch. I could smell her hair, the lavender soothing my senses. I felt my self calm a little and I wasn't sure if it was the smell of her hair or the fact that this only felt right. Touching her like I was, her strands of hair brushing against my knuckles from where my hand rested on the back of her neck. Her breath I could feel waving against my face, her sweet taste tempting me. It was all right. My hesitations were slipping and without them, I knew there was no stopping either one of us now.

Kissing the side of her face, I trailed my mouth along to her ear, catching the lobe of it between my teeth. She let out a groan at that one and her grip on my arm only grew tighter.

She was still so fragile. Breakable. And I knew if I was agreeing to this, I was agreeing to hold her together, indefinitely. There was no walking away. If she didn't want me, fair enough. I would take that. But she would have to order me away from her side if she wanted me away, I never could just turn away now, nor would I want to.

Her finger threaded through my hair as she pulled me down to her lips, our mouths smacking off each other furiously.

I wanted this.

And now I knew there was no turning back, no going back to the way things had been. I was completely tangled up in this situation and Bella, both emotionally and physically. Something in my mind almost settled, calmed. I had this...this hit, that I was desperate for. But I had never actually realized just how badly I had been needing it.

"Edward..?" She gasped my name out across my lips and I felt my self harden. She was asking me to have her. Just like she said I could.

Pulling on to her waist, I drew her closer into me before forcing her back down on to the carpeted hallway.

Suddenly I realized where I was. I had her pinned down below me in the middle of the hall. Not even on a damn bed. I couldn't take this any further, not here.

I wasn't entirely sure of just how far this was going to go but I knew I never wanted it just to happen on some piece of walked over carpet. She deserved this on giant water lilies or something, not on my god damn landing.

Wrapping her legs around my waist, I cradled her back, holding her into me, tight, so she wouldn't fall from my grip. My arms were as iron clad as our mouths were. Neither one of us parting for a second as I made my way through to the bedroom. The small tugs on my hair only encouraged me to pick up my speed as I crashed through the bedroom door, instantly toppling over onto the bed and swiftly putting out an arm to stop me from crushing her below me.

She tightened her legs around me again, encouraging me into her even more, pushing me against her. All I wore was my boxers. There was no way of hiding my need from her. None at all.

She was in her t shirt and underwear but I had to have more of her. Sliding down, I stopped at her midriff, placing small kisses along the space of skin between the two items of clothing.

I wasn't having her, I was loving her. And I was determined to do it right. She deserved to be treated like fine crystal. She wasn't that little fragile china doll, she was much more delicate and exquisite than that.

Her fingers still weaved through my hair, trying to tug me back up to her, but I knew there was no way I was rushing into this. As painful and as hard as it was to keep my composure, I still had it and was determined to keep it.

I heard a small giggle coming from her, her knees coming up higher, by my sides. I still lay out between her legs and I could feel her heat against my chest from where I rested up against her. I still struggled to see in the dark but I could see the beam of white from her smile, break through the darkness.

Teasing her, I gently nipped down on her hip bone with my teeth, causing a tiny sequel then another laugh from Bella. I was glad to hear the sobs had been replaced with some glee.

My palms rested on the very tops of her creamy thighs. She was so slim but I was sure when she got back on track her curves would begin to take shape that little more.

Gripping onto her flesh, I gently pulled her further down the bed, below me as I simultaneously lifted my self up a little so that she could fit.

Her hair trailed behind her, the mass of brown waves fanning out across the centre of my bed. It looked like it belonged there. That this scene should have been here form the moment I had moved in.

She bit down on her lip, she seemed like she was trying to control a smile, but she seemed nervous.

"You know, we don't need to do this." I didn't really know what I was assuming what was going to happen but I was sure something definitely was.

She shook her head shyly, her smile only growing.

Her petite little hands reached for mine, down by her thigh, brining it up to her face, to her mouth. Holding my hand in hers, she kissed the middle section of my folded fingers, almost like kissing the back of my hand. Her soft lips grazed along my skin and I couldn't help but notice how loving _she_ seemed.

I knew she liked me. I assumed it was because of the fact I hadn't been trying to get her into my bed, not like this at least. But had that been my doing? Seeming nice and sincere to get her to fall for me?

But I had been nice, and I had been sincere. This wasn't a ploy. I wanted to look after her, to care for her.

I didn't expect her to care for me like I cared for her...but that kiss...it told me a everything and nothing all at the same time. She did care for me. I was sure of it.

I just wasn't too convinced that we would both get through this without a broken heart.

But who's heart was going to break?

I felt her fingers trail across my cheek, brining me back to reality. "Edward..." she whispered out.

Her tone and touch was so tender I could feel my gut clench at the need to shower this woman with love and adoration.

"Are you okay?" She asked out, her tone sounding a little worried. Like she needed to worry about me.

Reaching back down to her, I let my nose trail across her cheek once again as my lips made their way to her ear. "Absolutely perfect." And I knew with out word of a lie, that it was completely true. She had made me feel like that.

For the rest of the night, we explored one another's bodies in the dark, seeing only the look in her eyes. It was like I was blind, learning everything by touch. I felt the raised dot of skin on the inside on her thigh and assumed it was a mole. I was sure when the morning light began to rise, we would both be comfortable enough to still explore the other, only with our eyes also.

We never made love and as much as I thought I would have no control over it, the hypnotizing look Bella gave to me, seemed to have me entranced on keeping her feel entirely comfortable and secure, not pressing her too far. As vigorous and as encouraging as she tried to be, there was some trepidation seeping out of her, seeming to want to hold back slightly.

Eventually, we slept. Wrapped up in one another and completely consumed and satisfied, there wasn't a stir from either one of us.

Jumping up with fright, my alarm blasted music into my left ear. Bella was still draped around me, her pale naked torso being exposed to the cool morning air as her body shifted up with mine, automatically. She was only stirring, the music not giving her the same fright as it had to me.

Tugging on the covers, I brought them up to her shoulder, not wanting to chill her, and her bare flesh.

I hadn't noticed at first but her eyes were trained on to my hand, watching me cover her back up. She glanced up at me with a soft smile, seeming endeared with my motions.

"I...Just don't want you to get cold." I mumbled.

She let out a little laugh as she reached up from her position to kiss me, effectively causing the cover to fall back to her waist again. "Maybe you could keep me warm." Her tone was joking and playful, but I always liked a challenge.

In one swift motion she was below me once again, just like she had been last night. "I'm sure I could think of a few things to keep you warm." I rose my eyebrows at her suggestively and I loved the hearty laugh that she gave out.

In the middle of the night, the air had became more than a little warm, our constant touches and strokes causing our heart rates to increase.

I was taking advantage of the morning light that began to shine though the blinds, her body completely visible to me.

I trailed kisses down her breast bone, down her navel. All the time she trembled below me. She wasn't stopping me so I was sure it wasn't distressing her. As I slid further down, I once again rested myself between her parted legs. All clothing had been discarded in the middle of the night so I felt her warmth touch me, pressing against my bare chest.

As much as I still wanted to take her, it wasn't about that. I wanted to explore her. To see with my eyes, what my fingers had touched.

I slid further down her, her legs still trembling. It worried me but she still smiled. "Is this okay?" I asked lowly and carefully. If she felt at all uncomfortable, of course I would move. I was worried the day light was sobering her up and she would begin to retreat back into the tight enigma she was.

She let out a sound, a child like giggle and she smiled nervously at the same time her teeth pulled on her bottom lip. "I'm fine...it's...it's just what you do to me." her words breathed out and I understood. She was comfortable, just a little nervous.

I went to inspect the mole that my fingers had found in the middle of the night but before I could get down that far, my eyes stopped on the tattoo that was inked into her skin below the line of where her underwear would be.

"Fleur de lise?" My finger traced along her black dyed skin, along the points of the symbolic flower.

She sat up on her elbows, looking down at me. Her face was etched with some pain and I knew exactly why she had this permanent stamp on her skin.

"It's...It was for..." she sighed, frustrated at her own inability to form her words in time of distress.

"I know..." I interrupted her, to stop her from her struggle. I under stood why she had it, but I couldn't understand why she hid it.

These were the badges of the of survivors, the survivors of Hurricane Katrina. They were symbols of strength and determination and she deserved to have hers. But she hid it. The tattoos were often inked on arms, where they could be seen. So why did she hide hers out of view?

"It's beautiful." I told her. It really was, the harsh shade of black in contrast to her pale skin and the true meaning behind it made it incredibly precious, despite its simple detail.

Reaching the tattoo, I kissed it gently before I made my way back to her. The air had shifted and I knew this was another step we had to work through.

She was so determined to hid what had happened, that she even hid her tattoo out of sight. It could have meant anything to anyone that never knew her story, yet she still kept it a secret. I wondered who knew she had it and if it was only men she had been with that had saw it. I hoped no one had, but I knew they would have.

I slid up against the cool material of my bed, facing her and her glistening eyes. I knew my alarm had gone off to wake me up for work and that I was already running late but I couldn't have moved away from her if I had tried.

"When did you get it?" I asked her gently, trying not to frighten her into silence.

She shrugged a little hesitantly before she began to speak. "After Alice...after I wasn't allowed to see her. I went into Port Angales one night and got drunk, alone. This guy was talking to me at the bar, he said he was waiting on a friend of a friend. He was going to do a tattoo on him that night. He asked me to go home with him when his friend got there and that I could watch. I was interested in how it was done and was asking him questions." She shrugged nervously.

Did she stay with that man? Did he put his hands on her too?

I hated it. Any mention of another man and that was my automatic reaction.

"And..?" I asked a little worried.

"And, he asked if I wanted one done. He paid for it for me-"

"And what did he get in return?" The words snapped out of my mouth before I had any chance to even think them through.

Her face fell and I knew my words had stung. Here she was, open and vulnerable and I just took a major fucking swipe at her.

I closed my eyes at my own self loathing. "Sorry." I mumbled out the word like it meant something. I was truly sorry but saying it was never going to cut it.

I felt the bed shift and when I opened my eyes, Bella was slipping on her t-shirt over her head.

I sat up, reaching for her. I wanted her to know that she could talk to me. Well at least she should be able to talk to me. Without me judging her.

"I never meant it." I reached for her arm but she shrugged away from my touch.

"You know something? You keep saying that. A lot." Her tone was cold and harsh and everything I deserved.

Her eyes fixed onto the floor as she looked around for her underwear that I had removed from her the night before. I silently picked them up from the floor, by my side of the bed, silently passing them to her.

I didn't know what to say.

I was completely mute.

A thousand things were rattling through my head but the words just wouldn't come out.

She slipped on her underwear and sprinted from the bed, just like she had done last night.

"Bella..." I called on her desperately. My heart raced at the thought of her leaving me. After last night I knew she couldn't. She hadn't ordered me away yet and I wasn't giving up.

Quickly placing on my boxers, I chased her, running into the lounge after her. She sat on the couch trying to regain her composure. She was upset and she tried to stop her few tears that had managed to spill from her eyes.

I was instantly on her and all over her. I braced her, straddling her thighs, pushing her further into her seat. She rested her palm against my chest to push me back but she never push me away.

She was angry and upset but she was giving me time to try and sort this mess. To take back my words.

I clutched at her cheek with my hand and wiped away one of her tears away with my thumb, gently stroking it away. "I should never have said that. And you are completely right. I'm always saying things that I never mean, but I honestly don't mean them." I scrunched my eyes tight trying to man up and be honest.

"I...I get jealous when you speak of these...these people and I get angry. I get jealous because you gave a part of you to them and I get angry because they took it thinking nothing of it. It's not fair and it's not right, none of it, not with you."

She nodded silently, my hands stopping her from her movement a little.

She wiped at her other eye and I let my free hand up to caress her skin. "I never went with him. He only gave me some drink and the tattoo for the conversation. We talked a lot that night and he let me sleep on his couch. He was worried about me when I started screaming in my sleep but he was...well, he was fine. Nice – a bit like you." She shrugged.

I felt ashamed. I had assumed that everyone in the world had tried to take advantage of her but I had never thought about the people that would have saw that lost look in her eyes and would have just wanted to try and make it better. I was foolish to think that I was only one that hadn't taken advantage of her. There were a lot of decent people in the word, ones who were just willing to listen. I still felt jealous of him though. He had given her the tattoo. I had gave her nothing but hell and tears.

I knew I had been a little reluctant for Bella to label what we were, for her to call herself my girlfriend, but right now I understood it. I needed a label. I didn't care if she was my girlfriend or not, I only wanted to know that she was mine. She had been so open to my hands on her last night and this morning, I just knew it couldn't end. I needed to be able to touch her like that and have her in my arms.

I wasn't sure what it was all meaning but I knew I was hers. The question standing was, would she be mine?

I felt dizzy, almost sick, and the need I had to keep this girl by my side. To help her. I didn't know if talking about her tattoo had helped but I knew my reaction was doing nothing to ease her.

Reaching her lips, I kissed her firmly and full of passion, to show her I still wanted her. That I needed her.

She was stunning. Absolutely beautiful and she was trusting me with everything. I needed to see the bigger picture. Her healing from her past, not me constantly attacking her, because of it.

She needed to move on and I had to help her with that one by moving on from the issues I had.

Her small hand slid down the font of my chest, resting on my abdomen. She wasn't trying to hold me back any more, she was letting me get close to her again. She knew I was sorry and she had forgiven me.

I rested my forehead against hers and stared into her eyes, her sweet chocolate brown eyes. She didn't look back at me. She was thinking. I could tell from the look on her face.

"Bella..?" I tread careful.

Her eyes darted back up at me and I moved back, to asses her features.

"You need to get ready for work." she reminded me, a little sullen.

I didn't want to. I wanted to lay in bed with her all day and explore her like how I had done last night.

But I nodded with a sigh. "I suppose..."

She gave a small amused smile at my words. "Do I get to see you later?" Of course I she did. It went without saying. She would sleep here again. I was only surprised that she wanted to come back to me after my cutting words.

"You better..." I smirked at her before I pecked her lips gently.

I still sat there, straddling her lap. I held my weight in my legs so not to squash her and I have to say, I liked how she fitted below me.

Begrudgingly, I got up off her and dragged my backside into the shower, getting ready for my day ahead.

Getting out, I headed to my bedroom and found Bella laying out across the bed, still only wearing her t shirt and underwear. She was balled up on the middle of the mattress, almost sleeping.

Her tired, hooded eyes looked up at me as I walked up by the side of the bed, heading into my closet. She never spoke, she only watched me.

I pulled my boxers , up and under my towel, so not to shock her as her eyes still stayed focused on my form. I was beginning to feel self conscious with her eyes on me. Had she saw better? Was I being compared? I was relatively happy with myself, it wasn't something I truly thought about. I ran, I occasionally went to the gym but that was it, really.

"You're beautiful." she whispered out to me, but I could still hear her words perfectly.

She thought I was beautiful. Perhaps she needed to get her eyes tested if she thought I was beauty and that she seemed to think of her self so lowly.

It oozed out of her, her own self doubt. Her inability to see her own beauty. You could tell that just by looking at her. But she was the one who was beautiful.

I made my way over to her, lowering myself to her little balled up form and stroked her cheek with the pad of my thumb.

"Do you know how beautiful _you _are?" I asked.

She smiled softly at my words, almost dream like. But she never actually answered me. She looked tired as she lay there and as much as I had loved every moment of last night, it looked like it had takes it's toll out on, Bella.

She let out a little yawn and I tried to keep my laugh, small. "Maybe an early night for you, tonight." I winked at her and she smiled up at me again.

As painful as it was, I knew she was going to need to get up and go to work. I had to drop her off at home, which I should have already have done.

I kissed her swiftly on the cheek as I stood up to get ready for work, gently ordering her to get ready to leave soon.

All I would be doing for the full day, would be counting down the seconds until I got to see her once again.

* * *

_**a/n: Please review and make my week a little better. Its been a sucky one!! **_

_**Sorry this took so long. I work when they need me – they kinda need me a little more right now but I might be quitting a few of my positions as my health isn't looking too good right now. Unless the doc can fix it I'm a little out of sorts, especially when I try to concentrate on writing.**_


	17. I Can't Hide

**I Can't Hide**

**EPOV**

Bella was currently twisting around, under some kind of panic on the passengers side of the car.

I didn't know why she seemed so worried. We had sorted things out with my parents, well almost. I knew my dad was still deeply concerned about my contact with Bella, and that he found what I was doing...well, difficult to understand. Be he never saw her like I did, he never saw her pain at those nightmares and he never saw her opening up like a newly budding rose.

"You're going to be fine." I tried to reassure her. I knew she would be. It was myself I needed to be concerned about.

My father, or should I say, my mother had asked both of us over for dinner, wanting to see us together. I knew my father would be inspecting any contact between us but my mother, she was just happy that I was actually coming over for dinner and bringing a guest with me.

She adored Bella. It was clear as day over her concern after she had learned about the incident of getting lost in the meadow. I knew she wanted to see how our friendship was progressing also, but her invitation was of sincerity, not guessing games. My mother very rarely played them, she would just come out with it and ask.

"But I know why I was asked. To be observed." She told me flatly, her voice full of sorrow. I had only spoke to Bella honestly about the concerns my dad had with our relationship. That was why she was worried. She felt like she was being judged all over again, except this time, by people she trusted.

I laughed lightly at her words. If any one was going to be observed, it was me. "Trust me, my mum is dying to see you again. My dad, he can grumble all he wants..." I took my eyes off the road for a moment, looking at her. She gave a small, not to convincing smile back.

With my view back on the road and from the corner of my eye I could see her chew down on her lip once again, so I reached for her hand, placing it on my thigh, before covering it with my own palm.

She sighed a little as the house came into view.

I grew nervous at the change our relationship had taken in the middle of the night and I knew we couldn't expose it, whatever it was, just yet. I had to keep Bella in mind. If her father knew, he would tear her away from me without hesitation.

I cut the engine as Bella pulled her hand away from my leg, quickly, with my mother opening the front door to greet us.

"Bella." My mum practically danced across the stoned drive way to get to her, hugging her tightly as she got out of the car.

I could only smile at how both embraced one another. It seemed natural. She definitely belonged here in my family. It was me who had been so late to discover Bella. The others only felt that they had to shun her, in trying to protect Alice, but they knew that was wrong now. The whole situation was a mess and everyone seemed to be trying to forget about it and move on.

I saw may dad smile across at Bella, he was genuinely happy to see Bella. He cared for her just like the others, he was only concerned about what would be the out come of me trying to help her.

"Carlisle." Bella greeted him warmly, a small nod in his direction. They never shared contact and I wasn't at all surprised. I was only happy that he was welcoming.

* * *

Bella shifted in her seat again, but this time she was more than comfortable. She had relaxed almost as soon as she walked in through the front door.

Reaching for a roll out of the bread basket, she knocked her butter knife off of the table, the stainless steel metal, crashing off of the floor with a clang.

I reached down to pick it up for her, right at the same moment she dipped down to reach for it, causing both our foreheads to smack off the others.

Bella jumped up instantly, laughing and clutching her forehead with her hands as I swiftly picked it up, rubbed my own forehead and leaned forward to kiss her chastely on the spot that I had accidentally smacked into her. "Are you okay?" I asked her, with a small laugh matching her own. It had hurt only a little, the comic timing of the little episode was the painkiller.

"Fine," She smiled as she took her knife back out from my hand. "Thank you." she blushed sweetly.

Turning to the table and to my parents, I saw too amused looks, one very happy; my mother. One looking on fondly but with a little hint of worry; my father. Neither one said a word about it and my mother jumped into conversation.

"So how does it work?" My mum asked, looking like she was desperate to know. Though I wasn't entirely sure what exactly she was talking about.

"How does what work?" I asked as I took a sip of my water.

"The whole bed situation?" I choked on the water, struggling to breath as I caught sight of a very scarlet, Bella.

"I mean, I don't mean to pry...I was only asking." My mum shrugged so nonchalantly at her words as if there was nothing to be ashamed about.

I sighed, not really wanting to go there.

"He was nice to me and I suppose after that, I trusted him. He's very gracious and every bit the gentleman." Bella told her, without missing a beat.

My mum quirked an eyebrow at her words, a small smile playing on her lips too.

Bella reached forward, placing her hand on mine. "He just wants to help me. And he has."

"Well that's good. And do you think that you will stop staying over at his sometime soon?" My dad asked, Bella.

Bella was never going to be sleeping away from me sometime soon. When she had dealt with her issues, I wanted her to feel like she could still stay with me if she wanted. That we could develop into something proper. Something real. Something that wasn't a secret.

You could her an audible gulp come from the depths of her throat. Her features changed and I didn't know why she seemed to panic so much. Did she not think that one day she could manage it? Had she thought I would be by her side constantly? I wished I could, but I knew in reality, it just wasn't feasible, especially with her current state of mind.

A meek "yes" was all she gave out and I could see my mother scowling at my father for making her uncomfortable and quite obviously, forcing her into a decision she hadn't thought about.

She took a bite of her food off of her fork and bowed her head as she chewed.

"Well I think its great that you have became friends. We all know how much Alice and Emmett dote on you, I suppose it was all just a matter of time before Edward fell your your charms too." My mum smiled across at her.

Bella looked up as my mum spoke to her. Bella, blushing at the kind, but truthful words.

"Is there anything more to it that that thought," My mum shrugged, trying to act as casually as possible. "I mean, you both seem very...comfortable with one another."

Bella's eyes practically popped out at that one. I needed to try and cut this out. I know my mother only meant well but she had a habit of speaking without thinking. I always wondered if I picked that up form her. But she was only ever kind, I was always aggressive.

"Can we not get the third degree? I know its a bit unorthodox, but I just want to help her." I saw Bella squirm in her seat at the blatant lie. It was the truth, that was how it all started, but it had transgressed into something entirely different now.

"Okay, I was only asking." she waved off her words as if it was nothing to her, and to others it wouldn't be anything either, if they weren't in the position that Bella and I had found ourselves in.

"Bella, I was sorry hear about your mother and step father. It must have been very hard for you to lose them." My father added. I cringed at the words I knew would only push her anxiety higher. But she had to face it and my father coming at her like how he had was exactly what she was needing.

She gave a tight smile in his direction, and glancing at him quickly before averting her gaze back to her plate.

"May I ask what happened to them, Bella?" My mum pushed gently. I had no idea if my father had told her the specifics but I had a feeling that she was only trying to get her to talk about it.

"Car accident." Bella shrugged.

My dads brows furrowed forward and despite the fact that I had told him she had passed during Hurricane Katrina, I hadn't explained that they were in there car.

"Edward had told me that they perished when Katrina hit." he observed her, watching her every twitch.

Bella silently looked across to me, looking to give her a way out, to explain for her but she needed to say the words out loud. She needed to tell someone else what had happened, not just me.

She continued to look at me and I only kept my gaze on her, silently encouraging her to say the words. She had only spoke of it after I had found her in the meadow and this morning, but I had jumped in on her words telling her I understood, earlier.

She needed to speak. She needed to actually let the god damn words out of her mouth to people, to let them understand. She was safe here. She knew that they wouldn't judge her, they weren't going to gossip to the rest of the town.

I sighed a little and the air grew stiff as both my parents watched us.

This was what I needed her to do, she had to help herself. I couldn't tell people her story for her. She needed admission.

I knew the words could cripple her, but once she got them out she would begin to feel stronger. I was sure.

She licked her lips. Her eyes still on me.

I was beginning to think she would walk away from the table, but she began to talk.

"They were in New Orleans when the hurricane hit, They were trying to drive to safety." She whispered the words out as she looked down at the table cloth. Her eyes unable to meet theirs.

My father nodded, understanding. Then he turned to frown at me. I knew why I was getting that look and I knew what was going to come after it, once we were out of earshot of Bella.

He turned back to Bella, "Were you there, were you there when the hurricane hit?" He knew the answer to that. I had told him. But he knew exactly that she needed to be pushed.

She only gave a small nod, her eyes turning watery. Excusing herself, as she disappeared to the bathroom.

"Car accident, Edward? My dad let out exasperated when he was sure she was out of ear shot.

"It's not the same." I argued.

"Maybe not, but the end result is." He bit a little more firmly.

I cringed at his words and I saw my mum trying to get him to ease up.

"Did you know this from the start?" He asked.

I shook my head. "No. I only found out after I had found her in the forest." It was true.

"I think you should back away. I know you seem to care for her and you still can be friends, just don't go down this road. Just give it up, leave her to the professionals."

"Carlisle..." my mum tried to chaste him. She knew it was the last thing I needed to hear.

"I'm fine." I argued.

"For how long?" He sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose. I never answered him.

"You have to admit, its a bit close to home. Are you really sure that this wont stir something in you again?" He shook his head. "I knew that once you knew about the dreams, you would be in there. That you would feel like you needed to help her. I just never expected that."

"Its. Not. The. Same." I argued firmly.

"Christ, Edward are you kidding me. Its exactly the same. Except replace fire with water. Its the same!" he shouted.

"Stop it, the both of you." Mum tried to keep it calm.

"It's not the same." I argued with a mumble. Both of them glaring back at me for continuing the argument.

"Edward, you have to admit it. It is the same. Its the exact same." My mum now argued.

"Will you stop saying that." I groaned.

This was the exact reason I had only specified Katrina when I had told my father the story. I was stupid enough to think that they wouldn't find out, when that was the whole point. To let people know what had happened to Bella.

All I heard next was Bella. "Stop saying what?"

Turning to her, she stood in the door frame of the dining room with an expectant look on her face.

Now it was time for me to admit the truth.

* * *

"What, Edward? What is it?" She sat down in her seat, looking at me desperately.

Where did I start.

I wasn't ashamed of it. Not now at least. But I still didn't want to talk about it. I had managed to admit the truth years ago, and in doing so I locked it back away, knowing I didn't have to explain it ever again. Least I thought I would never have too.

My mum and dad had silently excused themselves from the dining room, giving us some privacy.

"It's nothing, Bella. I swear. Ignore them. They were over reacting." They were.

"Well, tell me then?" I had panicked so much, she knew it wasn't just nothing.

"I used to have nightmares too when I was younger. That's all." I shrugged.

Her brows bunched forward. "And that's why you want to help me?"

I nodded. "Yes. I know how they can be. I got over them, I just wanted to help you get over them too."

She looked at me a little confused, but she silenced, taking my words. "Okay..." She nodded again, somewhat satisfied for the moment.

She chewed her lip, taking in my words.

"What did you dream about?" I knew that question was inevitable but I wished I could avoid it.

I knew I had to just tell her. I was going against everything I had been telling her to do. I had kept it quiet and I had kept it a secret from her. It wasn't intentional at first but after learning her truth. I didn't want her to compare us.

"Fire..." I croaked out with some difficulty.

She gave a small giggle at that. No doubt the irony in the opposite of what she dreamt about.

Her smile was back on her face. Be it small, it was still there.

"Why?" She looked at me curiously and I really didn't know what answerer I would get from her if I told the truth. But I had too.

I looked away from her, struggling to admit the truth, just like she had. I was so fucking hypocritical.

"I was in a car accident. The petrol..." I shrugged, wondering if I really needed to finish this off.

"The petrol..?" She pushed with a arch brow.

I frowned at her. She knew, she was just making me say it.

"You know..?" I shrugged.

Her eyes narrowed at me and she could see it. She could see the difficult that she had, in me.

I shrugged silently again as I looked away.

I was past this. I was over it. I had moved on.

"Say it, Edward." Looking back into her eyes I was sure she could see the hypocrisy of the situation.

"There was an explosion and it set the car on fire." I let out more than a little harshly. I suddenly felt really uncomfortable. I didn't want to talk about this.

I understood her pain of those nightmares. I wanted to help her. Did I really need to explain my reasoning to her?

She turned to me, her attention full on me. "When? Who was in the car?"

"Did Alice not tell you this story?" I tried to distract her. Alice didn't speak of the story because she never really understood it – she was too young. She was only a tiny baby.

"No. We didn't talk about those things." She shrugged.

I knew Alice had avoided the topic of her adoption. She was grateful for the life she had been given, but she always wondered what could have been and if she would have been like her own mother. Alice was a loner but she never thought that it was unfair, it was just who she was. Though she always wondered if it was her nature from our birth parents or if it was just he fact that she never knew them. She had some difficulty with that.

But Alice had changed. After that night with the tequila and cocaine, she had pulled herself up and had accepted our parents passing and her subsequent adoption. She knew then, that she couldn't change her past so accepted it.

"When...when Alice was a baby, we were in a car accident. We were run of the road by a lorry. It smacked off of the hood of the car...People helped, they got us out..." I wanted it to be left to rest. For us not to talk about it any more. This wasn't a trade off of who had the worst story, this was about helping Bella and my past wasn't going to help her.

She watched me, waiting for me to speak. She grew tired and pressed me further. "Who's us? Who got out?"

"Alice, Emmett and myself." I mumbled.

Bella's brows bunched forward thinking. "Who was driving?" She pushed again.

I sighed at the inevitable. "My father...My birth father."

She turned away from me and began to play with her white linen napkin. "Was there anyone else in the car?"

I nodded but she never saw.

She turned to me, "Was there, Edward?" she was a little sharper and it had me worried.

"My mother." I swallowed hard as she nodded at my words.

She looked way from me, tucking hair behind her ear and leaning an elbow against the surface of the table.

"I think I should go home...Just now." Her words were firm and sure and I knew exactly what home she was talking about. Charlie's.

"Bella..." I tried to argue with her. I needed her to understand why I had kept it quiet.

"Edward, please...Just take me-" she cut her self off quickly before muttering. "Actually, I'll just call, Charlie."

"No, Bella. I'll take you home if that's what you want but let me take you. Let me explain."

"Explain what?" She bit at me sharply as she quickly turned to me, glaring at me.

"What happened..." My heart felt tight at the prospects of explaining but I would do it.

"I know what happened. You've told me that part. What you didn't explain was why you never told me this. Why, when I was having such difficulty with it, you couldn't tell me what had happened."

I threw my napkin on to the table. "Because this is about you, not me."

"You could have shown me that you got through it." she snapped as she quickly stood up.

I grabbed onto her wrist but she shook me off as she quickly paced to the front door.

I ran after her, trying to let her see that this was about her own progress, not mine and that despite the similar situations, we were both completely different people with completely different reactions.

Bella for one, always fled.

She pulled on her jacket from the coat stand and I reached around her waist, pulling her back to me.

"I got through it Bella, but it happened in different times in our life, different circumstances...Its not the same. We are not the same people-"

"You should have told me!" she argued with a shout.

"Why? What diffidence does it make? I had nightmares, we were both in car accidents. That's the similarities, Bella. I wasn't caught up in hurricane at the same time. I don't poison myself and I certainly haven't slept with anyone to try and forget about it." As soon as the words came out, I knew it was a low blow too far.

Bella's eyes only narrowed at me, assessing me. "Finished?" she asked calmly.

I nodded with a sorry look on her face.

"Good. Take me home right now and I don't want to hear another word from you on the drive."

I nodded, obediently once again. "I'll just tell my parents were leaving."

Turning her back to me, I headed in the direction of the kitchen to explain that we were leaving. My mother passed me, heading to speak to Bella, and say goodbye personally. I gave them a few moments, standing with my father in the kitchen.

"You should have told her. And you should have explained to her that you couldn't help her wh-"

I cut him off instantly. "I can help her. And I will." I pulled at my hair and groaned. "I know its not going to cause me any great issues. I'm fine. Honestly. Our realities are very different, despite the similar situations." They were. My nightmares were never on the same magnitude that Bella's was.

He looked at me, his eyes...strangely full of compassion. That was not what I expected from him.

"I can see you care for her a lot more than you are admitting. And I'm almost certain that there is something going on." I kept silent, so not to lie to him any further. "You let her lean on you and you will end up carrying her." I knew that.

"She's stronger than you give her credit for." I argued with a mumble. "But she can lean on me all she wants. I'm not leaving her."

At my words, he groaned and closed his eyes. "There really is something going on between you, isn't there?" he opened his eyes and the look that passed between us said it all. He knew.

I still kept silent. He shook his head, turning away from me, mumbling to himself.

"You can't tell anyone." I was begging him.

He turned to look at me, with raised brows and looking exhausted. "Tell anyone, what?" He played stupid to what he knew.

I let out a breath, relived that he wasn't going to try to separate us. "If you want to help her and support her, you need to be honest with her. If you are in a relationship, you need to be honest about your past as much as she does. She will trust you more if she sees that you are trying."

"I am trying." I let out exasperated.

"I don't want to know what has gone on between you, but you need to be careful. For her own sake, as much as you own."

I nodded silently at his words as I walked out of the kitchen, towards the front door.

I knew it would have been hard for him to keep quiet, but I also knew that he would. He knew she needed help and knew that I wasn't going to just give up already.

Bella hugged my mother before my mother then hugged me. Bella headed out towards the car as my mother wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Take care of her. We can see what's going on, Edward. We're not blind. But don't be like those other men..."

I pulled away from her, disgusted that she could think I could ever do that to Bella.

"I'm not going to use her." I bit at her as I pulled away.

"No...but she might use you." She was ashamed to say the words herself. "She is mixed up, Edward. You need to be firm. Don't give up your heart so easily. Not just yet."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I silently walked out to the Volvo and climbed into the drivers seat, never speaking to Bella, just like she had instructed.

The entire journey was in silence and as I pulled outside her door, I saw Charlie looking out the window with a questioning look on his face.

I made one last attempt to try and correct this before the night was out. "Are you going to let me explain?"

A quiet "No." was all she gave.

"Are you _ever_ going to let me explain?" I asked somewhat hopeful that she just had to let the night sink in.

"I don't know." Her tone just as quiet. It was painful. I was use to fire and dramatics when she was upset. Not this. It worried me.

"You're not going to do anything to yourself, are you?" I wasn't stupid. I knew if she had difficulty with this, that the thought would already be in her head. People who harmed themselves didn't need to be given the idea, it would already be in there. Talking about it before they tried was the only real positive step to try and make. If she wanted a drink to numb the pain her mind would have already fix its way to getting hold of it by now.

She never answered me.

Instead, she got out the car and slammed the door behind her, Charlie, opening the door for her and looking across at me, concerned. Bella walked straight past him without a word.

Opening the car door, I climbed out to speak to him. He was trusting me with Bella, I had to explain to him so that he would understand I didn't intentionally set out to hurt her.

"What happened?" He had that concerned look on his face again, the one that he had when I had came to his door and told him that I didn't know where she had went too.

"She's mad at me. I just think she needs some time..." I shrugged, hopeful.

"What did you do?" His tone was laced with anger.

I sighed. "My parents...they died in a car accident when I was younger. I never told Bella because I didn't want her to compare herself to me."

He nodded, understanding, as he wiped at his face. "It's not always easy is it? Trying to decide what's right and what's wrong for her."

I understood it. I understood him. He had been doing what he thought was best for her her, what she wanted, and I had did what _I_ thought was best for her.

There was no right or wrong. It was all guess work.

_Trial and error._

I never answered him. He had got it from my silence alone.

* * *

It was still relatively early when I got back home.

I turned on the television for some noise, knowing I wouldn't be hearing Bella's voice for the night. And I headed for the shower, trying to rinse away the night.

As the hot water rolled off of me, I couldn't help but think how I would even bring up that subject with her in the first place. I had never wanted her to feel like I was trying to out do her on tragedies.

That wasn't what this was all about. I kept it quiet because it was part of my past that was pretty irrelevant to what was going on now. It was similar but at the same time, it was completely different as well.

She needed to work through her own issues. Not think she couldn't handle what had happened to her, even although she couldn't. Not really.

I was done in. With all of it.

I wasn't as strong as I had believed and now at our second real hurdle, I was spent.

_Could I keep it going?_

Had my father been right?

I had no idea now.

All I wanted, was Bella.

I climbed into bed knowing, come morning I had to try and make this right. I had to push her through this.

I had to be the strong one. I had to be the one that pushed her on and I had to be the one that never could just give up on her.

I didn't want to, but she had to see that her constant walking away, wasn't helping her situation. She needed to stay and fight.

Argue, if she must.

Scream, if she needed.

_Anything, but walk away._

I rolled around my bed for hours, watching the red glowing minutes on my clock, tick bye.

She had been the one that couldn't sleep without some one, now it was me that needed a body besid them. I needed Bella beside me.

I needed to know that she was okay, that she was safe and that she could rest in peace.

I only hoped that tomorrow night she would be back in my bed, with me.

My phone began to ring out, the glow from the screen lighting up dark room.

Looking at the screen. 'Charlie', flashed across.

_What had happened now?_

_

* * *

_

**_What do you think has happend? Please review! xx_**


	18. I Wanna Hold Your Hand

**I Wanna Hold Your Hand**

**EPOV**

"Get over here now." He ordered firmly. "She is hysterical and I can't help her, Edward. You promised me. Now do what you promised."

Charlie was pissed at me but I knew that he deserved to be. I had caused this because I had never told her the truth. My father was right, if it was a relationship, I had to be as upfront about my background as she was. This wasn't a patient/doctor relationship. This was friends with the promise of something more.

Ending the call, I jumped to my feet and began to dress, shoving on the jeans I had worn earlier, that was laying in a bundle in the corner of my room. I rushed to my closet picking up a t-shirt, knowing I had no time for the shirt and its buttons, that had lay beside the jeans.

Speeding up to her house, I parked and got out the car without even removing my keys, only just managing to turn off the engine.

I never bothered to knock on the door. Instead I walked straight in and ascended the staircase. Charlie stood outside her door, looking exhausted.

"What happened?" I asked him with the tone he had gave me on the phone.

I may have upset her, but he should have been able to look after his own daughter. If she had harmed herself in anyway, I was going to go after him.

"She was screaming in her sleep..." he sighed. "She's a wreck, but she ordered me out of her room. She doesn't want me." He looked away and I felt guilty that she had wanted me.

I stepped in the direction of her door but he put out a hand to stop me. "She doesn't want you either."

"What?" I asked incredulously. "Why did you call me?" Was he just trying to show me how much I had fucked up?

"She is obviously upset at you, but she trusts you. As much as she doesn't want to talk to you, I know she needs to." he shrugged his shoulders. "You need to fix it and I think you need to do it now."

I closed my eyes in fear of the wrath I would get from Bella but I nodded at him before I walked into her room.

Holding my breath I walked through her door.

"Get out. This is _my_ room. I don't want you in here again, ever." She shouted at me with a weak roar. She was angry but she was trembling with fear.

She threw a pillow at me that was in her hands, but it did nothing as it hit the floor so she reached up to a photo frame that lay on her bedside table and threw it at me. The corner of the heavy meat frame smacked off my chest as I tried to catch it. It fell to the floor without sound as it landed on the pillow.

The impact of the frame hurt. The sharp corner had hit off my sternum, winding me.

"Are you fucking mad?" I shouted at her, throwing myself at her and capturing her hands so she couldn't try to hurt me.

"Apparently." She spat at me, trying to wriggle out of my grasp. Her distress becoming apparent.

I forced her down onto the mattress of the bed, trying to calm her sharp jerky movements.

She knew I would never hurt her. So I forced her on her back, allowing myself and my weight to still her.

My legs straddled hers and I pushed my upper body weight down on top of her, effectively stopping her movements.

She shook her head from side to side, trying to avoid my face at all costs.

"Help. He's hurting me." She tried to call on her dad for attention but I was sure he wouldn't come in to intervene. He had been the one to call me, despite knowing Bella didn't want to see me.

I wasn't hurting her, I was restraining her. Restraining her from hurting me and hurting herself. Even if Charlie was to come in, I had no concern on his thoughts about my positioning. I was protecting myself.

She lay out beneath me, still trying like blazes to escape me.

I was finally able to focus on her face somewhat fort the first time since I had got in and I could see her face. It was soaked with tears.

"You're crying." I let my voice drop a little. "Why have you been crying? Did you have another nightmare?" Charlie had already told me she had been she had been screaming in her sleep, it didn't take a genius to work out the cause.

She stopped shaking her head and gave a tiny nod.

Her breath stuttered and all of a sudden she was calm again.

I didn't want to hold her like this. I wanted to hold her like I did in my bed.

She never spoke but I could see the change in her. She had calmed down. I knew she had.

Bringing her into me, I hugged her. I rolled us onto our sides to let her know that she was free if she was calm, but her mad antics, I wouldn't stand for.

Sobs came from her. Her heart breaking. And I knew it was. What ever she had dreamed about, it had caused her a lot of great pain and she would be mad at the fact they were back.

"Calm, Love." The words rolled off of my tongue as I placed a chaste kiss on her lips.

She sniffled and nodded against my shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me..?" She asked breathlessly.

She was talking about my nightmares. Why hadn't I told her.

"There not the same. You have solid visuals in your head. I have an image of flames. That's all mine were. Emmett had them too. Emmett's was worse than mine. We were young then and we were limited with the pain that they caused us. The accident, I barely even remember it. I was six when it happened."

It was the truth. It was something I had lived through and bounced from pretty successfully. The memory was only a tiny blip. Bella was scarred.

"Our parents died and that was the real trauma for us. We don't really remember the circumstances. I don't know if it was our mind trying to block it out or the support we had from Esme and Carlisle after it."

"But why couldn't you just tell me that they could stop. That there was that possibility. They stopped for you." She tried to argue but she was drained.

"Yes, I know they did. But kids have nightmares at that age. They watch a scary film and then they dream about it. Its how your mind works at that age."

"And what about my mind at this age?" She asked a little worried.

"It's not a scary film, Bella. It was a serious trauma that you had to drag yourself through. I don't even flinch at fire, its nothing that holds me back. I was a kid with a flash of a flame in my head. I knew what it meant, what it had done to my birth parents but that was it. We were pulled out of it and that was it. You saw your mother and step father, you had to fight through the wind and water. You fought to live. I didn't. There completely different."

She looked away, taking in my words. "I knew that if you knew about it you would compare yourself."

"Why shouldn't I? You got through it." she bit with a little assertion.

"Nightmares are different to children than they are to adults. Especially in these situations. Kids grow out of them."

"You mean mine wont go away?" she asked with panic.

I sighed at her getting the wrong end of my words. "They can. Most likely they will with some help. What I mean is that my nightmares are common for kids, its our young mind processing the information. We hold on to them for a period of time and then they just go. You need to work through yours. They might just leave you, but its been so long. You need to talk about it to try and free the visions."

I hoped I wasn't sounding condescending. If she had went through Katrina at the same age as I had went through the fire, she would struggle to remember too, and her nightmares would have no doubt have passed without too much pain, the same as mine.

"I just want it to be over." She let out in a low mumble.

I kissed her and pulled her further into me as she released a few more tears.

"Can I ask what you saw?" I tread carefully.

"Water. Choking on it. I felt cold." her tone was laced with such pain, my heart hurt so much.

"Are you afraid of water?" It was often the case, but not always.

She shook her head against my chest. "Jake takes me cliff diving. I don't mind it." For her to do that, she really mustn't have had a fear of water – not unless she was trying to kill herself. Even then I couldn't see her trying to kill herself like that. If she wanted out, she would want to go out a calmer way than that.

"Why do you do that? Cliff diving?" If she went with someone that could save her, she mustn't have looked to end her life.

"It's fun. The adrenalin makes me forget about real life for a little while, too." it made sense.

I only nodded at her words, letting the silence fill the room.

She shifted further into me and I could feel her warm breaths against the skin of my neck. I would never tire of this sensation. It was like heaven after how I had found her in her room last time.

A light sob began to come from her, her tears landing on my skin.

She was upset by her dreams, so I did all I could do at this time. I held on to her, tight.

Pulling her into me, I wrapped her bed covers around us. I wanted her to sleep. I needed some as well.

I wasn't sure where Charlie was right now, but I didn't care. I hoped he wasn't in the hall though. I didn't like to be checked upon, especially when I knew that I really deserved to be.

There was more to Bella and I than he knew, and coming in to find us like this, as innocent and comforting as it seemed, I was sure he would see right through my thoughts and my intentions.

Bella's arm wrapped around my waist, and the two of us were locked into one another for the night.

Eventually I heard her breathing change. Relaxed shallow breaths came from her and I knew she was out for the night.

I never moved. Not an inch. I held on to her and fell asleep myself.

* * *

Two weeks later and life had settled.

Bella still slept at mine. Charlie accepted our unusual connection after that night he had called me and he was oddly supportive of it.

I think that having her nightmare come back to him and a very visibly shaken Bella had been a flash of there past and a step back.

Me and Bella's relationship had progressed. We danced around one another in harmony when we were together. Both giving the other space but also support when the other needed it.

I knew it was hard for Bella to have to step back from me when I needed it. I felt at times that I was ignoring her, but there had been a couple of days when life at work had been too much.

I had lost my first patient only last week and the ability to accept these things had left me.

I was mad at myself, but most of all, I struggled with the acceptance that I couldn't help everyone. I tried not to let it get to me, to allow it to fester into fear of not being able to help Bella. She was the one person I knew that I couldn't let slip away from me.

"Toast?" She offered with a smile as she skipped across the kitchen, placing a plate of buttered toast out in front of me. I was beginning to be spoilt. I knew it.

I nodded, accepting the breakfast she had made for me as she sat down across from me, lifting a half slice for herself.

"So...what time does Alice get here at?" The warm smile on her face shone across to me and I knew she couldn't wait to see her again.

"She said she will get here around five this afternoon." I replied back to her as I bit into my breakfast.

Emmett was getting married, tomorrow.

Bella was going as my "guest" and as much as she was looking forward to it, I sensed her nervousness at having to mingle with some of the people who no doubt had spoke of her.

Rose was pissed at that one and was still intent on trying for me not to take her with me. I didn't understand how Rosalie could be so off with her. She had to learn to accept it. Rose was officially becoming part of my family, and my family had already accepted Bella, long before I had.

I rested my elbow on the table and rested my chin in my hand. "How excited are you?" I teased. I knew Bella had tried to keep her emotions at bay, to play it cool, but I knew. I knew that getting to see Alice and be invited to the wedding was a big deal for her.

She was being accepted again.

She shrugged as she mashed up the corner of her toast in between her fingers. "It will be nice to see her..." she tried to hide her smile, taming the corner of her mouth.

"You know, you do get to be excited." I told her a little more seriously. It was as if she felt that she didn't deserve it or something. Something seemed to hover in the back of her mind. I just didn't know what.

Her eyes floated up to mine. "I am excited. I'm...I'm just seeing how it all goes..." She finished off cryptically.

"How what goes?" I asked her, genuinely having no idea what she was talking about.

She looked away and placed her toast back down on the plate before licking at her finger tips, cleaning them of toast remnants.

She didn't seem to want to answer me.

I slid my chair around to her, resting my hands on her knees. "How what goes?" I pushed again, trying to get her eyes to focus on mine.

"I know Rosalie doesn't want me there. I can see Alice the day after..." Wasn't she going to the wedding with me? My gut clenched at that.

"What are you talking about. You will see Alice later today and then you will see her at the wedding, tomorrow. And then...you can see her the day after if you want too as well. If you can put up with her for all that time." I tried to lighten the tone a little.

"Rosalie doesn't want me to go. It's her wedding-"

"And Emmett's. I'm Emmett's best man – its his wedding too and he wants you there." I told her firmly without doubt.

"Edward, I heard her the other night. Maybe she's right. Maybe you should ask, Tanya. She seems to like her."

My mind went into over drive. What else had she had overheard that she was keeping quiet.

Rosalie was acting her first class bitchy self at my parents the other night, telling me that Bella wasn't welcome at the wedding. But it wasn't just her wedding. Emmett wanted Bella there as well and he had put his foot down.

Emmett understood that there was nothing mean to Bella. He had learned about her difficulties and he took them on board as the explanation of the stories he had heard. Emmett treated Bella like a sister of sorts and he quite simply wasn't standing for Rosalie's words. He wouldn't accept them if they were directed at Alice and saw that Bella should be no different.

I just never realized that Bella had overheard the conversation. And I only hoped that she had hung around long enough to hear the end of it.

My father was present during our little altercation and was surprisingly, deeply annoyed at Rosalie's thoughts and her determination to shun Bella.

My dad had stepped up and stood up for Bella, refusing Rosalie to get her way and he had told her that she needed to learn that Bella was a part of our family, as much as she was.

I was blown away at his words and I didn't know if they were directed at me and my admission that something deeper ran between the pair of us, or simply it was him accepting Bella back into our lives as the friend she had been to Alice.

I didn't ask. I didn't want to give Rosalie more fuel to run her mouth off. She was still tetchy towards me and the fact I was trying to help Bella.

"You do remember who Tanya is, don't you?" I asked carefully as I looked into her eyes.

She nodded and looked down. "She's the nurse..." She had been one of Bella's nurses when she was in after her attempted overdose .

"Yeah. Your right. She's the nurse. And she's a friend of mine and maybe I would have asked her if I had no one else to take with me, but I do. I have you and I want you to go with me. Tanya..." I wanted her to know that I had a lot of trust in Tanya as a friend, but that was all it would ever be. "Tanya, is a good friend, like a really good friend." I tried to let her see but all she did was look up at me hurt.

"Like how I am?" She asked a little dejected.

I shook my head furiously. "God no. Tanya was the one that made me see that there was more to me and you. She saw that and made me admit it. She was worried for me...but she was more worried for you."

"Why was she worried about me?" Bella looked totally perplexed. I was confusing her here.

"Bella she seen you come in and out of the hospital. She knows that you aren't..." I struggled to find the right words.

"Stable?" She jumped at me with a snap in her voice.

"No." I told her firmly. "She knew that something must have happened to you, to make you do those things. She thinks...she thinks that maybe us getting close could be what you need..." I trailed off my words into the air.

Bella looked a bit taken aback by my words and her look fell from my eyes and to the floor.

"She doesn't see any wrong in it. She only tried to encourage it." I shrugged as I spoke. She encouraged it but she still wanted me to be careful.

"Why?" Bella's word was almost in audible.

"I don't know. Maybe she thinks that its something your missing..." I had no real idea what Tanya had encouraged us, other than she had. I think she thought that Bella had truly been lacking in support and love and that I was the answer.

The air turned awkward between us and Bella shifted in her seat, trying to avoid my eyes.

I slipped off my chair and knelt down on the spot between her legs, resting my palms on her thighs that were covered with a pair of my sweats that were entirely too big for her.

I had happily accepted her wearing my clothes. At the weekend it was all she seemed to wear. And I quite liked it. She still looked beautiful.

"I'll understand if you don't want to go, especially if you over heard Rosalie. But I want you there and so does everybody else." I looked up to her and I could see her coming around to the idea again. "If you don't go, I'll be alone." I smirked up at her, trying to get that smile to ghost her face once more.

I reached up, kissing her firmly on the lips.

"Okay..." she breathed against my mouth, almost instantly as she wrapped her arms around my neck and deepened our kiss.

I lifted her up into my arms and out of her chair. We had plenty of time before we had to help with the final arrangements and I was going to make sure I used them wisely.

Her legs circled my waist as I headed toward the bedroom.

We had yet to make love with one another. Though there were times we had gotten a little carried away. We were always open with one another, gentle touches and caresses. I wasn't rushing anything and even though Bella had became upset at me because I wouldn't, she understood my reasoning and accepted it.

But I knew that time was coming soon. We had seemed to dive into this silent relationship and even thought we were never too intimate with one another in front of others, eyebrow's were being raised all around town at our friendship.

Charlie was the exception thought. I didn't know if he ignored the talk of the town or if it was the fact that he trusted me to keep our relationship strictly as friendship. Either way, Bella said he never asked anything that would cause concern. He was only interested in how she was coping and she hadn't had a nightmare since that night Charlie had called me over.

Reaching the bedroom, I gently placed her down on the bed, kneeling down on the spring mattress and placing her down in front of me.

I sat back on my heels, looking at the beauty that lay out in front of me. She wore one of my t-shirts too and even though she could swim in the material, she loved to wear them.

I tugged at the material of the sweats, pulling them down her legs, exposing my spiderman boxers that she seemed to love so much.

Her body trembled slightly and placed a comforting hand on her hip, assuring her."Relax. I'm only taking them off so we can lie in bed for while longer." She nodded at my words but I could still see the hesitation on her face.

It completely threw me. At times she was desperate for us to be together then there were times she seemed to fear me. When I explain that I was only trying to make her comfortable or looking for a hug, she seemed to calm instantly. But it did seem that sometimes she panicked at the prospects of intimacy with me.

I truly struggled to understand it. There had been no past of abuse in her life but sometimes it just seemed as if she clammed up on me. I only ever tried to make her comfortable and I tried constantly to never push myself onto her. The knowledge of her murky past was enough for me to understand that the change in our relationships, in contrast to others she had been with, she just needed time to adapt emotionally, rather than physically.

I rid myself of my own sweats and began to pull the bed covers back, helping Bella slip below the material. Once I got under myself, she quickly came to me, seeming a little more relaxed.

She rested her head on my chest and rested her hand on my t-shirt covered abdomen as she quickly fell asleep again.

I knew she needed rest. She slept the same hours I had and I knew I was exhausted. I let her fall over, knowing she was safe to sleep and that I wasn't going anywhere.

We had to help to get things ready but it was nine in the morning, we still had time. It was important that Bella got the sleep she needed and not only the sleep I let her have.

It had been a hectic few days at work and it was only made worse by the fact that both me and my father had taken two days off of work to help wit preparation and the actual wedding itself.

I heard a contented sigh from Bella as she slept and knowing she was okay and that she was going to the wedding with me, I could rest happily, too.

* * *

**BPOV**

I tried like hell to try and do something with my hair. I didn't want to let Edward down and look a mess. Fighting with the brush, I knew it was useless. There wasn't anything I could do with it.

I wished I had Alice with me right now but I knew that she would be helping Rosalie out, and to be fair, Rosalie would be needing Alice by her side.

Alice had got here yesterday afternoon with Jasper and we had been glued to one another's side all evening until It was time for bed and time for me and Edward to go home.

All she kept asking was what was going on with me and Edward. I was growing a little worried. I knew that Edward and I had gotten closer and that other people were seeing our friendship. But that was always what we called it.

We never told them that he held me through the night. That he kissed my lips, making my heart feel better. We never told them anything. We only shook off there suspicion.

I didn't know what we were. I suppose we were a couple, but if you don't acknowledge it publicly, what do you become? An affair? A sordid little secret?

I didn't know what we were and I felt like my mind was constantly looking for a tag to put over us.

We hadn't even had sex.

He touched me intimately but he had never just had me. I was glad that we hadn't. It backed up the security I felt even more. I knew I wasn't just a notch on his bed post, that when the time came to be together like that, it would mean something. _For a change._

Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the front door that startled me and dragging me out of my day dreaming.

Catching my breath, I rushed to the front door, worried about who would be on the other side. Fear spiked in my gut at the thought of an angry Jacob. He still wasn't talking to me after the whole incident in his garage with Edward. He struggled to accept my new friendship, and so he was making me pick, it was either Edward or him.

Opening the door I was met with a dressed up Alice.

"Okay, I have twenty minutes to fix you up." she told me sharply as she pushed past me shoving a dress into my hands.

Looking down at the dark blue chiffon, I wondered if I was to wear it.

I had a dress looked out to wear but I still felt it was a little under dressed for a wedding, a Cullen wedding, no less. And Rosalie as the bride to boot.

A lavish wedding was obvious.

And well...I was _me_. I was just lost on how I should look.

"Is this for me?" I asked in confusion as she tugged on my hand, dragging me up stairs with her.

She sat me down on the bed and instantly began to rummage thought a make-up box that she had brought with her.

"Are you seriously giving me a "She's all that" moment?" I joked with a snigger. Alice loved to play dress up and if I was going to a wedding with Edward I knew she would be determined to make me look decent.

"Your damn right I am. But it's not for Edwards benefit. Rosalie is already spouting her poison and I'll be damned if she tried to take you down because she doesn't think you are acceptable for her got damn over the top wedding." She panted out as she began fixing the make-up I had already done on my face.

Alice got on well with Rosalie but Rosalie's nature with Alice's was often a clash. Alice was go-with-the-flow where I had learned, from a distance, that Rosalie was meticulous in everything she done.

I never replied to her words. I only sat there accepting her offerings that I knew I badly needed.

It wasn't that I didn't care how I looked. I just felt comfortable in who I was, but often, that wasn't how people felt I should be _"comfortable"_ and I had more than a few digs over the years on my appearance.

"Did you plan on doing anything with your hair?" Alice asked with a worried questioning look on her face. She was afraid of my answer because she already knew it.

I shook my head. "I tried...I just don't know how you manage it..." I shrugged off feeling a little ashamed.

"You are stunning, Bella. I'm only watching your back this time because its Rose. I swear if you give her any excuse to not be in the pictures, she will have you out.." She mumbled off as she began to pin up the side of my hair. It was simple but it was all that she had time for.

"I don't want to be in the pictures." Why was I going to be in them?

"Well you have too, at least some of them. You are the...partner of the best man." her eyebrow rose up at that one and she was looking for more information but I chose to ignore the look she gave me.

"But I'll ruin them." I wanted to argue on this one and stamp my feet.

Alice laughed at me like she always did to my irrational behaviour. "What's going on between you two. Is he your Saint Hermes, yet?"

I hated how she could say that so easily. He wasn't my Hermes. There was never going to be a Hermes for me.

"Alice..." I snapped a bit too firm, but she was over stepping her mark again – like always.

"Admit it. There is something going on between you two. I saw it last night and everyone else knows what's going on too. Well...going by what my mum says..." A smug look appeared on her face as if Esme had been keeping tabs on us.

"Alice, as much as I love your mum, she doesn't know anything." I told her tiredly.

"Bella, I know something is going on and Edward is a little shy on admitting it, but he still admitted it." What had he said and too who? I felt panic rise in me and Charlie finding out and taking me away from Edward. I was an adult but he still held my rights.

"What has he said?" I asked a little worried.

"Well he never actually said yes, he kinda danced around it." She shrugged as she tried to open up the end of a clip with her teeth.

"Alice. What did he say?" I was growing short with her and I never had time for this, she would need to be leaving soon.

"My mum told him not to be like the rest of the guys... and he said he wasn't going to use you."

"That's nothing, Alice. Stop trying to create bother. Edward is a good person and he just wants to help me. He understand the nightmares a little." She had nothing here but the feeling in her gut and I would try like hell for her to let that go.

"I was too young to understand Edward, but I know there not the same." She was arguing Edward side on this one. Of course.

"Why did you never tell me about it, the reason you were adopted?"

"Why didn't you tell me that you were in Katrina?" she bit at me as she pushed on my shoulder. "I'm done." She told me about my hair but I was sure there was a double meaning behind her words.

The air fell quite and it grew thick with tension. Our conversation had annoyed Alice and I didn't know why.

"Get changed, Bella. I said to Edward I would bring you over once you were ready." her words were still short and she didn't even look at me as she crossed her arm over her chest.

"Are you mad at me?" I needed to know why she was acting like this towards me.

"Yes, I am. I'm here Bella and I'm ready to listen. Okay, I understand why you kept quiet about your mum and Katrina and all of that, but we are friends. You can talk to me if there is something going on between you and Edward. I know you are lying. I was the one that told you that you could trust him. We're friends and you need to keep talking. And not just to Edward." Her voice grew louder and louder and I knew that event thought she was back in my life, I had been keeping her at a distance, made so easy with the fact she was in Seattle.

I felt guilty. All of our time together we had told one another secrets, we did. Despite keeping our messed up pasts, quiet, we were so open and honest about everything else.

I was learning to do that with Edward, but at the same time I was keeping things from Alice, in fear that the truth would come out to everyone.

I nodded to her, understanding her frustration. "I...I'm Sorry. I can see that now. I'm just scared." I was torchered by nightmares, but now my biggest one would be to be without Edward. I hated it at the same time though. I couldn't depend on him like that, it wasn't fair.

"Some things have went on between me and Edward." I admitted a little shyly.

Her face began to light up at my words, the fact that I was telling her. "What?" She pushed gently.

I shook my head at my own frustration. "I don't really know. We kiss and we touch...but that's all it is."

She sat down on the bed beside me, taking my hand in hers. "And how do you feel about that?"

This was Alice, my Alice. The one that had been torn away form me and given back. Sitting on the bed I was beginning to realized that despite our time apart, nothing had changed.

Looking into her eyes, I told her the truth. "I'm terrified."

* * *

_**a/n: Please review - I need to know what your throughts are. Thic chapter is a little slow but it will pick up again.**_

_**Sorry for the space in UD – I struggled with this chapter – my mind is focused on the next! **_


	19. Nothing You Can Sing, That Can't Be Sung

**Nothing You Can Sing, That Can't Be Sung**

**BPOV**

Speaking to Alice had been great. I had told her all about the fears that I had when it came to Edward and I, but also the good things. The things that I was beginning to think never really existed.

I told her all about the night I had ended up at Jakes, hurt and rejected by Edward, and how it was Edward that pushed through that invisible wall between us, to get to me, to kiss me. For real.

Talking to Alice I had realized I was lucky. I was getting a second chance with Edward and he was doing all he could to help me. He pushed me almost constantly, trying to talk and open up.

What terrified me was, myself. Not being good enough for him, not being strong enough. I was sure that there was only so much he could handle and I was sure I would break him. I didn't want to disappoint him, I really didn't. But I was struggling to find the faith he seemed to have in me.

"Where is Jasper?" I asked, suddenly realizing he wasn't stuck to Alice's side for a change as she drove me to the church.

"With the boys. I told Edward to watch him while I checked on you." She smiled away at herself, her earlier mood had lifted after my revelation about Edward and I. "I'm going to drop you off at the church and he will get you outside, if he's not already there." she shrugged as she indicated, turning left into a side car park at the church.

I nodded at her words as I tried to give my self a quick glance in the right wing mirror.

"You're gorgeous, babe." she told me quite pointedly, as if I would be anything less with her help.

Laughing at her pose I nodded. I felt comfortable and I felt good. Alice had really helped me out of a hole and the dress was perfect for me too.

"I need to go. There will be no wedding if I'm late cos the bride to be will be in a holding cell in Forks police department." She told me flatly and almost seriously.

"Thank you, Alice. For everything." She had helped me out of a hole. But most of all, she had listened to me and accepted my words without judgement. As she always had.

She nodded with a bright smile as I got out of the car, before speeding off into the distance. The girl always knew how to put her foot down. I wondered if it was a family trait because Edwards driving had always made me nervous, too.

Turning around I was met with two sparkling green eyes and he was dressed in a perfectly cut suit.

Before I could find any words to talk, Edward stepped in. "Bella, you look absolutely breathtaking." He took my hand, placing a small chaste kiss on the back of it and leaning forward, placed a small kiss on my cheek.

I could feel my embarrassment at his sweet caress on my skin and for a moment I wished that there was no one else about.

_But there was._

Bodies passed by and as I focused on their faces I could see looks and stares. Words were mumbled and I knew that I was being talked about.

I felt my breath grow deeper as I looked around the entrance of the church and it seemed all I could hear was their mumbles fill my ears. I felt panicked and I felt hot.

"Bella...Bella..." Edwards eyes forced me to look back into his, taking me back out from the moment I was having.

His hand reached up and his knuckles swept of my cheek, trying to reassure me. "You're fine. You're with me." he winked at me and he tried to lighten my mood by giving me the smug grin, the one that told me and everyone else that he thought he was the best thing since sliced bread.

He had an air of arrogance, but he rarely let it show. Honestly, I think he only ever used it for amusement, to make fun of himself and to make me feel better.

_I felt better._

"So...Miss Swan, what can you tell me about Saint Anne?" He still held onto my hand from when he had kissed it and motioning to the church, St Anne's. He was trying to distract me from the surrounding guests.

Looking up at him, I let out a small laugh, happy for him to try and distract me. I hadn't been part of anything so big since I was in Florida and it had never entered into my mind that there would have been so many guests.

Saint Anne...I knew this one.

"Saint Anne spent most of her life without children, despite trying. Until one night, an angel came to her telling her she would one day conceive. And she did. She said for the gift she would dedicate the child to Gods services. Saint Anne eventually give birth to her baby, the Virgin Mary." Edward's smile was wide as I looked from the church and back to him. "Saint Anne protects the unborn." I told him, finishing the story.

"I am constantly amazed at your knowledge, Bella. How do you know all this?" He asked, really wanting an answer.

I shrugged to him, it was nothing really, it was merely an interest that had developed a few years ago and something I had learned in private. "I just do. I read some books once."

He laughed at me. "You read some books once?" he asked rhetorically. "Well I think you're a genius. Even if _I_ had read some books once, I still wouldn't have a clue."

He looked back up at the church in front of us. "I suppose its a good omen." he shrugged as I looked up at him. "I'm pretty sure Rosalie is pregnant. She rushed the wedding and, well...she's always wanted a baby."

"She's having a baby?" I asked in a shushed squeal so only Edward could hear.

"I'm not certain, but maybe..." his words trailed off into the air and despite the cold air that always passed between me and Rosalie, I couldn't help feel happy for her it were true.

Edward dropped my hand and offer me his arm instead. "I'll take you to my mum and Jasper so you can get a seat and I can get back to Emmett."

I took his arm and smiled at him. He was being so open and affectionate without being intimate and it made me feel strangely comfortable, like it was so easy.

I suppose for everyone else it was, but myself, it was a hurdle.

Edward walked me in to the church, taking me to his mum and Jasper.

"Bella, you look adorable." Esme instantly stood up, kissing my cheek and wrapping her arms around me.

"Thank you, so do you." Esme always looked exceptional and her son's wedding was no different.

Jasper had been on his feet as soon Edward had walked me to them. Like the true southern boy he was, he took my hand, kissing it and giving his head a small bow. It made me blush. "If only I weren't already in love, you could have won my heart." he joked with a wink. Edward let out deep breath at his words, but I was sure no one else had heard it.

"Please, look after her for me. She's...precious." Edward took my hand once more, kissing it as tenderly as he had the first time and was off, leaving me with Jasper and Esme.

I heard a small chuckle coming from Esme as she patted the space next to her, inviting me to sit down. "And if that isn't Edward admitting he's whipped, I don't know what is." her mouth practically sang the words out and she wore a little bit of a smug look on her face, trying to tame her mouth from breaking into a smile.

Jasper had burst into a fit of hysterics at her quip and I didn't know if she thought it was a good thing or not. I was worried and I was feeling guilty at our secret.

I heard some more hushed mumbles from behind me and my name was mentioned. I heard it clear as day. I felt myself tense up and automatically I was uneasy again.

Esme reached for my hand, sensing my worry. "They should know better than to gossip in a church. They should be ashamed and they should be ashamed at thinking that they can judge you. They have no right. Time will come, sweetheart, the truth will come out and they will see themselves as fools." She squeezed my hand, reassuring me.

I looked up to her, her face was stony and calm and it scared me a little. She looked at me and gave a soft smile. "Hold no shame for who you are, Bella. You are far stronger than anyone else in this place. Someone is watching over you..." She winked before averting her eyes to the front of the church. Edward stood by Emmett's side and along with Carlisle, but all he was focused on was me. His eyes looking at me, trying to read the situation.

* * *

Jasper had been my saviour for the day. We had stuck by one another, both being in the same boat and we had got along excellent. He kept me amused and I could see why Alice had fallen head over heals for the boy. He was a charmer, but in the truest sense. He was a gentleman and managed to keep me composed through our meal.

I was pretty much shunned by everyone else at the wedding but Jasper had been by my side the entire time and I found my self actually enjoying it.

I hated being separated from Edward though. He sat at the bridal table and even though I could see him, and he looked over at me constantly, I still missed his warmth. I was beginning to truly realize that life without him would be worse than it had been. I couldn't go back to that life, it would be far worse now.

Alice poked out her tongue as Jasper and I messed around. Me, playfully flirting with him in front of her. He was safe, she knew that. But mostly, I knew that I was safe. It was only ever playful between me and Jasper and I felt comfortable in his company.

Edwards gaze landed on us, and I could see he knew it was a joke. He gave a small smile, amused at my new found friendship.

"So you and Edward..?" Jasper pressed, eventually. He had no doubt saw the looks that had passed over the tables and after admitting it to Alice, I knew there was no point in trying to hide it for him.

Breaking my eyes away from Edward, I felt giddy. Looking at Jasper I saw the look on his face. His features were soft and his smile, warm. He was inviting me to open up once again.

"I like him." I was trying to be discreet, worried in case some one was eavesdropping.

"And he obviously cares for you." He nodded to Edward, who's eyes were back on me.

"He likes to look out for me." He did. Since the moment I had ran him off of the road he had looked after me. It was him who had checked me over at the hospital, despite the rage he had felt for me.

"It's not a bad thing, whatever is going on. I know you want to keep it quiet. You're worried about what people will think and your worried about your dad. But maybe you should just be truthful to your dad. He might be more understanding than you think." Jaspers southern drawl spoke with such certainty that I felt that he could be right, that maybe Charlie could be understanding.

I processed his words. Maybe he was right.

Eventually we broke free from the meal and into the evening reception and I was free to go to Edward.

I watched him dance with Alice as they entered the room and I felt a small pang of jealousy at her easiness on the dance floor as the pair danced along with Emmett and Rosalie and along with there parents.

It was the first dance and I watched from the side lines in awe at the beauty on the floor. I was punching way above my waist with Edward. Jasper was handsome and he seemed to compliment Alice perfectly. But me...Looking out on the dance floor I could see Edward laugh with his sister and I wondered if it could be that easy with me.

At times it felt like it was, but most of the time it was an up hill battle and Edward seemed to constantly be pushing me along, or dragging me.

A hand waved in front of me, offering a dance. Looking up I was met with Jasper and looking around I could see people move to the floor to dance.

I shook my head. "I...I can't. I cant dance." I shamefully admitted.

"I bet you don't, I bet you just float across the floor." He tried to be kind. "Please...my girlfriend seems to be occupied by your boyfriend."

I felt my eyes widen at his words. I had never heard anyone call us that. We never even called one another that. I felt my unease come back as I looked around in case anyone had over heard.

"Bella, people are ignorant and rude, but no one is listening to us. Please dance with me. I cant have Edward get one up on me already. He has my girl, I'll have his." A wide teasing grin broke out across his face and I couldn't say no. Hesitantly, I took his hand and he led me across to the dance floor, resting his hand on my back.

Dancing with Jasper was easy. And it was fun. Once again he seemed to relax me and I found myself being distracted by his wit to care too much how my dancing was.

Feeling a tap on my shoulder, Jasper released me, stopping our gentle swaying to the music.

I turned to see Edward stand behind me, "May I?" He offered his hand for me to take. This time there was no hesitation, I was automatically pulled towards him.

He held me to dance, our pose, perfect.

It lasted all of a few moments as I began to feel ourselves move in together that little bit closer, Edwards hand beginning to slide down my back and rest, and pulling me into his chest.

I was compelled forward, too weak to fight.

But I didn't want to fight because this was what I had wanted all day.

Suddenly, we weren't dancing. He was cradling me into him. My head rested on his chest and I could hear his heart beat calm, the beat matching my own.

His lips pressed into my head, softly and discreetly.

"Have I told you how stunning you look today?" His words brushed against my ear and my skin shivered with pleasure.

I pulled away and met his eyes. "I think you told me, thought I do believe the word was breathtaking."

"Breathtaking...Stunning...I don't think they have a word to describe you, that is good enough."

I felt my cheeks heat at his words at his attempt to make me feel good. I never replied, all I offered was a small smile.

"Can I ask what happened in the church? You seemed a little...off colour. I saw my mum holding your hand..." he looked away, nodding to someone as they called on him but his attention was mine again, almost instantly.

"Someone was talking about me..." I tried to hide the discomfort I had felt, that it was my over active imagination.

"Who?" His word was quiet but it was laces with something, something that worried me.

"I...I don't know. It was nothing. I don't even know what they said about me. It was probably innocent."

He gave a tiny smile, seeing through my words. We both knew it was likely to be something nasty. But for my sake, he was trying to reassure me of my own words.

"If anyone says anything or makes you uncomfortable, I want you to come to me. I want you to do that. Always." His eyes pierced me, searching through my soul and deep into my core.

It made me breathless. The deep sincerity and concern in his eyes was almost too much.

I only nodded, breaking my gaze away from him.

He pulled me in close to his chest again and I wished I could have kissed him. Thanked him how I wanted too.

I saw sets of eyes follow us around and my concern about the truth spiked in me once again.

"You know, maybe you shouldn't hold me like this...People are looking..." Looking around, I met his eyes again.

"I don't care what they say. They are guests, they can be uninvited if I need them to be." He was completely serious.

"Edward, you cant just say that. There not your guests to un-invite. Think of what they could say to my dad." I tried to argue him.

"Bella, do you really think your father is concerned about what these people think of you, of us? He knows better than anyone the way this town feeds off of gossip. He wont listen to them." He was so sure and maybe he was right.

"What if we told him the truth?" I asked carefully.

His eyes wondered over my shoulder, in thought. "Maybe..." He reasoned. "But if he doesn't like it, your not in charge to argue. He could pull you away. But I can see why you want to be honest with him. I'm not saying we should lie, I'm only concerned about his reaction." I could understand that and it was the same as I felt.

I honestly had no idea how Charlie would feel if I was to tell him that I was falling for Edward. Would he encourage it or would he take me away from him. Was it a risk I was willing to make? I didn't think it was.

Despite our awkward conversation, the night had been good. I had sat beside Edward most of the night and we enjoyed conversation with his family. I never got to speak much to Emmett as he had enough going on with trying to see the rest of his guests and of course, spending time with his new wife.

He walked over to the table, with a drink in his hand, he was full of joy but he wasn't intoxicated. He was just genuinely over the moon at being married to the love of his life.

"Well, I've lost her already. I think she's got fed up with me." He shook his head, joking.

"I knew she would come to her senses in time, I just thought she would have go there a little quicker." Edward Joked back.

"Since I can't find her, I'll just have to borrow Bella to dance with." He extended his hand out to me while putting down his drink with the other and giving a good smirk in Edwards direction.

"You're stealing my date?" He asked with some mock shock.

"You're damn right. We'll If she'll have me..?" he looked at me questioningly – his hand still in the air.

I nodded with a smile and took it as he stuck his tongue out to Edward.

Edward sighed, defeat. "I know you will...but just take care of her..."

Emmett saluted him. "I'll take care of the precious." his voice turning to sound like Goulum's.

I had to laugh at Emmett's tone.

Edward nodded his head, his earlier words must have been passed on. "She's very precious." he admitted and I felt a lump form in my through at the honesty in his voice and the fact he was saying it so publicly. I was worried he was drunk, but he had not a drop of alcohol except a glass of champagne for the toast. He was very much sober, as was I.

I danced with Emmett and he was acting his normal goof-ball way. It was endearing. He hadn't changed and it was good to see.

I thought about Edwards words, that he thought Rosalie was pregnant and I knew Emmett would make a great father.

We danced until the end of the song before I excused myself to go to the bathroom, leaving Emmett to go off and find another dance partner. He was looking for a dance with Esme as I left him.

I looked myself over in the mirror, eyeing my appearance and checking that I was still acceptable to be on the arm of Edward.

I fixed my lipstick, the one that Alice had instructed me to reapply, in the mirror. The rest rooms were quiet and I thought I was alone until I heard a flush from one of the stalls.

Rosalie, strode out, trying to fix her dress as she went. But as soon as her eyes landed on me, she stopped in her tracks.

She quickly regained her composure and marched up to a sink, washing her hands.

I felt her gaze return to me repeatedly and something struck me. People spoke about me, I knew they did. But no one had ever been quite so obvious about their distaste for me. What had made her dislike me so much? So much that she tried to stop me from attending her wedding.

I never felt anything towards her. She was Emmett's wife, I would only ever be nice to her. She meant something to him so that meant something to me.

I saw the long ribbon on her corset, undone at the bottom, the bow now just lying as two tails.

"You're bow came out...Would you like me to fix it for you?" I asked nervously, the evidence in my tone.

She looked in the mirror, twisting at the waist, trying to see it. Her eyes fell to the floor and you could see that I was the last person she wanted help from, but she surprisingly accepted my help with a small nod.

She stood in front of the mirror, with her hands on her hips. She was absolutely out of this world. She had the physical features of a supermodel and the brain of a genius. She was the envy of all women and a total icon of femininity and integrity. She could be sharp with her tongue but she was always sure of what she said and stood by her words and beliefs.

In comparison, I was nothing.

I could feel her eyes burn into me as I tried my best to make the tie perfect. "It's not because I don't like you..." My eyes shot up, meeting hers in the mirror as she began to speak to me. "I don't like what you stand for...what you do." Her voice was strong and full of power and showed no hesitation.

I looked down, unsure of what to say or how to act. I wasn't even sure of what she was speaking about.

"When I was sixteen, I was raped." My eyes instantly looked up to hers once again at her revelation. "I hated that man for what he did to me, for what he took away from me...for what he took away from Emmett..." Her voice trailed on her last few words and I could see her only true weakness was, Emmett.

"And I hate what you give away. I hate the stories I hear and I hate that you could ever let a man touch you like that." her words were firm again, crushing me.

I had stopped breathing, my lungs feeling restricted with the look she gave me.

"How could you let them take that from you? How could you compromise yourself so much? How can you compromise women like that? For those beast to think that it's acceptable." her voice climbed octaves as my heart climbed beats.

_I felt fear._

She turned around, meeting my eyes. "I was forced, you weren't. But I see it as the same thing. That man tired to take my soul. You allowed them. You accepted that and thought it was okay – that they could do that. It's not."

She seemed so mad, so angry.

"I was forced. You lay down and asked of it."

Was she right? Was this how it seemed to the outside world?

I wanted to argue but I couldn't. I couldn't find my voice. I couldn't even find my breath.

"I know that you have your own little sob story, just like I have mine. But I would never, ever compromise myself and other women like you have."

I wanted to scream and tell her that I needed it. I needed arms. I needed to be held.

But she was right. I was wrong.

_I always knew I was wrong._

My head dropped, the shame passing through me.

"Edward is a good person and I know he wants to help you. But I'm asking you to help him. Walk away from whatever is going on because I know that you are going to break his heart. I'm not trying to be mean. I just want you to see the truth."

I nodded at her words, my eyes trying to focus on the carpet below my feet as my vision blurred.

I reached for my purse and stepped back. Turning around I walked out of the door of the rest room.

Looking into the reception, I saw Edward smile and joke with Jasper. He was happy. And I wasn't welcome.

I turned my back on the room and left without a word.

* * *

**EPOV**

Searching the hotel, I couldn't find her anywhere. I had looked and looked and still, nothing.

She seemed happy. She seemed to be enjoying herself. What had happened and where had she gone?

I wandered through the gardens, praying to find her the way she had left me. Happy.

Walking up to my sister, I was desperate. I needed her to check the bathrooms. It was where she had headed. Was she unwell?

"Alice, I need you to check the bathrooms. I can't find Bella anywhere and I haven't saw her in half an hour." The smile she wore, fell and I hated that I had just upset her evening but she was the only other person I could go to.

I knew I could go to my mum, but I didn't want to ruin her evening as well.

Her black spikes of hair shook as she nodded.

"Is there anywhere you want me to look?" Jasper offered.

I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling at it.

I couldn't think where else she would have went. I had looked all over the hotel but I had found nothing.

"_Everywhere..?_" I asked, exasperated.

He gave a knowing nod as the both of of them went off in separate directions.

I reached for my mobile once more, trying to call her.

It was turned off, the voice mail the only thing I heard.

Fear and panic built up in me.

_But she was happy. _

_She was having a good time._

Perhaps I was over reacting and she had headed home, feeling unwell and knowing Bella, not wanting to make a scene.

Alice and Jasper both got back to me, finding nothing.

I told the two of them to keep quiet on the matter and that I was heading home to try and find her. With the promise of a call when I found her, I headed back to my apartment, first.

It was a twenty minute drive but it felt like eternity. I tried her phone a few more times on the way, praying for her to turn it on. But she hadn't.

Fear coursed through my veins and reaching my apartment, I rushed out of my car, running inside.

"Bella." I called on her as I gasped for air. Not a gasp of air in my lungs.

"Bella." I Called again.

"I'm in here, Edward." Her voice called out and rushing to my bedroom I burst through the door.

She lay out in the centre of my bed, still dresses as I had saw her. She looked like an angel lying there.

"Don't do that!" I shouted. I never meant it, but she had scared the life out off me.

She shifted up, sliding her dress up her legs and crawled towards me. "I'm sorry. I never meant to scare you." Her brown eyes shone and looking into them, I couldn't stay mad. She made me feel so weak at times.

I nodded as I sat down on the bed beside her. "You just gave me a fright..." I loosened off my tie, feeling hot from my panic.

"Sorry. I felt a little funny. I just thought I would slip home. I didn't want to be a nuisance."

I shook my head and let my hand catch her neck, kissing her firmly. "You will never be a nuisance." I told her as I broke away.

She smiled shyly up at me. Her innocence shining through as she blushed.

"I..I need to call Alice. We were worried." Pulling out my phone I called Alice.

"You shouldn't have worried. I'm not worth the bother." Her words were a mumble but I heard them and as soon as I was off the phone I was setting her right.

After making my quick call to Alice, I reached for Both of Bella's hands, only quickly breaking away my contact with my right hand to release her lip that she chewed on.

"Bella, you are worth the bother. You are worth so much more." It was official. I had fallen completely in love with this girl. I just knew I couldn't say the words just now. It would be too much to put on her, too soon. She needed me to help her still and my own thoughts would have to be pushed to the side until she was on even ground within herself.

She shook head at my words, so I reached over to her, kissing her in the way she deserved to be. Full of passion but still tender. She was still fragile and despite the line she had gave to me, on her disappearance. I knew something had came over her to make her leave, her self doubt, most likely making its return.

She pulled into me, deepening our kiss and fisting my hair.

The energy that passed between us told me what was about to happen. There had been a change in us today and it was evident in the kiss she gave me.

I pulled back, catching my breath and giving her time to decided if this was what she really wanted. There wasn't a doubt in my mind what that was but I wouldn't push her, not until the words came from her mouth and I heard them with my own ears.

"Make love to me?" Her words breathed out of her mouth and danced across my lips. It was everything I wanted to hear, well almost everything.

"Are you sure?" I had to check. I had to make sure she was positive.

"Yes. Please don't doubt me, don't doubt this."

Resting my forehead against hers I nodded before I watched her dampen her lips with her tongue. My lips were instantly pressed into hers, kissing her, needing her.

Pushing her down onto the bed, she went with my motions and pulling on my tie.

That sureness made me hard. Her positivity in what she wanted, that she wanted me.

She pushed my jacket off of my shoulders and it slipped to the floor.

Straddling over her, our kisses grew deeper and deeper and hotter and hotter.

Running my hand through her hair, my finger got caught in the grips that pinned her hair back. I needed them gone. I wanted to be able to run my hand through her soft brown waves. I loved her hair. I had dreams of happily drowning in the mass, the lavender intoxicating me at the same time.

I was living that dream.

I started the painstaking task of trying to get them out while trying not to tug on her hair at the same time.

"Just leave them." she whispered out across my lips, pulling off my tie.

"I want rid of them. I want them gone." I told her honestly. I wanted it perfect and perfect to me was running my fingers through her hair without restraint.

She laughed lightly at my words as she began to help pull them away. Quickly, they were gone and my hands were free to roam.

Before I knew it she had unbuttoned my shirt and had pulled it loose of my trousers. She pushed at the shoulders just like she had done with my jacket and it was quickly gone with, too.

I still hovered above her, holding my weight in my right arm. I reached down to her left leg, pulling at he exposed flesh as her dress had been pulled up to her knees. The smooth material slid along her smooth leg, exposing her thigh to me.

I had saw her naked before. I had explored every inch of her but this was something new. This was me exploring her sexually, for me to have her. I tried to ease her and relax her for me.

Her hands started work on my belt and button, loosening my trousers. They were quickly done with and along with my socks, leaving me in only my boxers.

Bella was still dressed. Pulling away from her, I reached the bottom of her dress and slid it up the rest of her length before pulling it up over her head.

All she wore was a small black lace thong that I was desperate to lose. She didn't need anything to make her more attractive, she was beautiful and sexy enough with nothing at all.

I looked for her consent before I removed her underwear and she lay there as I pulled it down her legs, exposing her little tattoo.

Needing to kiss it, I reached for the spot that I loved and was so proud of.

She shifted below me nervously so I quickly pulled myself up to her, checking she was okay.

She trembled in my arms and I held her in close. "We don't have to do this." She seemed to be having reservations on this and I wasn't going to make her.

She shook her head gently. "No...please, I want too. I want you." She reached forward and kissed my lips with some huger and I couldn't stop myself from pulling her further into me and rolling us on to her back.

Her hands rushed down to my boxers, trying to slide them down off of my waist. I helped the process by pulling them down and kicking them off at the ankles.

We were both completely naked now.

Breaking away from her lips I let my gaze trail down the length of her body, below me. My hand sliding over her peaks and curves and grazing across the planes of her flat stomach. My hand travelled further down and rested between her legs.

My head collapsed into her hair, trying to muffle a groan from the warm, slick sensation that my fingers felt.

I felt her place kisses along my neck as she reached for my erection, taking it in her hand.

I hissed at the firm grip and knew if she pushed me on like this for much longer, there would be no time between us.

I reached for my drawer, at the side of the bed and got a condom. She released me, letting me put it on before reaching up to kiss me, looking for me to take her.

She impatiently tugged on my hair, encouraging me on. Our kiss deepened as I search her centre again.

She still trembled below me and I once again checked that she was okay, that this was what she really wanted.

She nodded to me, reaching fro my backside and pulled me into her.

I wanted to make love to her, to cherish her and to treat her like how every other guy, hadn't.

I slowly entered her as I caressed her cheek with my fingers, all the time trying to focus on her eyes and gage her.

She shuffled below me, shyly, adjusting herself and encouraging me on.

Kissing her lips, I gently pulled on to her hip, deepening myself inside of her. She let out a gasp at the sensation but she only wanted more as she hooked her leg up around my hip.

We moved slow and steady as both our bodes moved together, each of us grasping at the other.

A steady knot formed in my gut. A ball growing tighter and tighter with friction and I reached in-between us, encouraging Bella, further on.

I was sure she was near when she gripped onto my arms, her fingers pressing further into my skin.

I felt her tremble below me, her pupils dilating, more and more. Her breath gasped in my ear and I held her closer, picking up our pace.

I pulled back from her and focused on her eyes, both of us looking into the others as she came below me, her orgasm rocking her and rocking me, finishing me off as empted myself into the condom and collapsed into her chest, unable to catch my breath.

I struggled to think, other than how incredible it had been.

I gasped for air against her chest and I felt her arms wrap around my back, holding me into her.

Looking up to her, I stretched my back out, me suddenly becoming bigger than her once again. I released myself from her and rolled us onto my back, her head resting on my chest.

"That was the best thing I have ever experienced." I breathed out with a small laugh. Nothing I had before, or the women could ever compare to what had just happened.

Bella only held on to me tighter, silently answering me.

I felt sleepy and she was obviously not looking to talk, herself.

My eyes grew heavy, spent from our love making and happy at getting to make her mine.

My vision turned black as my eyelids closed and my hearing tuned out as my brain switched off.

I was sure I heard Bella speak though, "I love you." the words seemed hushed.

I couldn't be sure of the words, if they were real or if they were my imagination and my fight was lost as I pulled into unconsciousness.

* * *

Come morning, I reached out for her as I woke.

My hands landed on her side of the bed. It was empty and it was cold.

I instantly jumped up, looking of her. I looked around the floor, searching for her dress.

It was gone. And so was her shoes and purse.

She was gone and all that was left of her was the pins from her hair, scattered across my bedroom floor.

* * *

**a/n; Please review! **

**St. Anne's is actually a church in Forks, WA. And her Saint "calling" is real. **

**All Saints and God's used in this story are true to there own personal stories.**


	20. Boy, You're Going To Carry That Weight

_**A/n: Sensitive subject matter – this FF is M rated**_

* * *

**Boy, You're Going To Carry That Weight**

**EPOV**

I tried calling her

And then I tried, again.

_And again._

Her phone was still turned off and my frustration and panic, combined. I was worried that this was my fault. Had I pushed her when she wasn't ready? Did she regret it?

I thought it was what she wanted. I thought it had just came so naturally to us.

Was I wrong?

Was my own need for self gratification blurring my vision.

I did all I could do. I got ready and began to search for her, all over again.

I knew she wasn't in my apartment. The fact that her dress wasn't still strewn on the floor meant she was wearing it.

I hoped I was seeing wrong, that when I walked through to the lounge she would be making breakfast and wearing my sweats and t-shirt with the dress slung over a chair.

She wasn't there and the dress wasn't lying over the back of some chair either. Both of them were gone.

I quickly got dressed and grabbed my keys, heading for the front door and to my car.

I wondered if she was feeling okay. She said she left early because she was unwell and I wasn't sure if I believed her, but maybe she really wasn't feeling well and maybe she just wanted her own bed to feel crap in.

But I was so sure she had lied last night. She left the wedding and that was her shoddy excuse._ I knew I was right._

Had something happened between her and another guest? Had some one came up to her in the bathroom and had words.

I had told her to come to me if that were the case. Why hadn't she?

My mind raced. I was beginning to feel like I was losing my mind.

What if she had hurt herself after I had made love to her. Was she repulsed by me and at what had happened between us? Did it cause her to remember a bad incident with another man?

I needed to stop. I was feeling sick with worry.

I had made it to her front door, her fathers police cruiser was gone but her truck still lay parked at the edge of the road.

It was daylight so no indication of light to tell me if she was in her room. Realizing her father must be at work, I opened the door.

Well I tried. It was locked. Why was it locked? It was never bloody locked. Not even when it was empty, was it locked. It was Forks, it was the kind of place you could do that without bother.

I was sure Bella was inside and she was determined to keep me locked out.

Doing the only thing I could, I chapped.

There was no answer.

So I chapped again and again.

Still nothing. Not a sound, not a flicker. Not a speck of life.

"Bella." I banged on the door furiously. She must have been in. her truck was parked outside.

Still nothing.

I battered both fists off the door practically screaming her name from my lungs. "Bella, open this door, now."

I was positive she was inside and I wasn't worried to attempted to break the door in if I needed too.

Suddenly I saw her face. She appeared at her bedroom window. "Will you be quiet. I have neighbours." She nipped at me.

"Open the door, Bella." I demanded.

"I'm not feeling well." She sighed at me and suddenly I was beginning to think I was acting the fool. Had she been resting, feeling ill and here I was, almost kicking her front door in.

"Come down and let me see you." I tried to be a little softer, trying to forget my anger and panic.

"I'm fine. I just need some quiet." She promised.

"You can get that at mine." I argued back.

Her hair swung in the breeze and I was desperate to run my fingers through it once again and check her over and try to make her feel better.

"Edward...Please. I just need some time alone." I felt panic at those words.

_She wanted to be alone._

I was kicking myself. I knew I should have resisted her last night. I should have been a bigger man and only have held her.

"Please, just come to the door and let me see that you're okay. I'll leave you then." I rose my eyebrows, hoping she realized that I wasn't wanting to shout up to her about us being intimate.

If she regretted it I needed to know.

She sighed again. "I'll be right down." and with it, I heard her window frame slide shut.

She was at the door in seconds, unlocking it. "Edward...I'm not feeling well." She looked fine.

I was worried with the fact she wasn't inviting me in and that she seemed to keep her self shut back from the door, only her head was visible.

I pushed against the door and her and she stumbled back, too small to fight me off.

"Edward..." She argued loudly, obviously aggravated at the fact I had just stomped right past her and in to her house that she tired to lock herself in.

"I'm a doctor. Let me check you over." I tried to smile but I was becoming suspicious at her nervous behaviour.

She twitched, which wasn't too unusual for Bella, but it was more than what I was use to seeing from her.

I looked around the house. It was completely empty. Only a brief panic flushed through me at the prospects of meeting Jacob here.

"I'm fine. I just need the quiet. I have a really sore head." she told me a little pointedly but you could see her trying to be a little kinder with her words.

"I got up and you were gone...I was worried." I looked up at her and reached for her face, thumbing her cheek.

Her head moved closer to my touch. "I'm fine. Like I say, I'm just not feeling too great." her eyes closed as she kept her head in my hand.

I brought her closer to me, hugging her, needing her.

"Are you sure? I never hurt you or anything did I?" I thought I had been so careful to love her gently.

She smiled at me gently. "No, Edward. It was perfect. Really. It was great." Her tone was sincere and I believed her.

I kissed her head and released her but I tugged onto her hand, leading her to the couch.

I made her sit down and I knelt in front of her. "What do you feel is wrong?" I asked, my inner doctor coming out to play.

"Nothing really. I just have a sore head and feel a little light headed." She told me automatically.

I nodded at her words. "Was this how you felt when you left the party?" I asked carefully.

Bella nodded.

"Did you still feel like that when...when we..." Made love. I didn't want to call it that, not after I wasn't right sure of the words I had heard when I had fallen asleep. But I definitely wasn't just going to call it sex.

It was_ love._ Everything about it was love.

She shook her head this time. "No it went away. I just need a lie down and it will go away again."

I nodded at her words.

"Can I get you anything, any food? A drink?" I offered. I would have waited on her, hand on foot. Happily.

"No. I'm fine. Just go home. Relax and catch up with Alice." She smiled at me.

"Do you want to see Alice?" I asked carefully. Her and Jasper were to head back to Seattle later this evening.

"No." She answered a little too quickly. "Just you go and see her. Tell her I love her...and that I'll call her in a couple of days."

She was edgy again, suddenly twitching away once more.

I nodded, letting her know I would pass on the message to Alice.

Standing up, I sighed. "I need the bathroom." I informed her as I excused myself and climbing the stairs.

I didn't need the bathroom but I had a feeling Bella was lying about something. There was something off with her behaviour and it would be obvious a mile away.

I sneaked into her room, opening the door.

Looking at her side table was a half glass of cola and about a dozen pills.

I wasn't sure what they were. They had been emptied from there bottle of burst from there blister pack and I couldn't think from what was printed on them, what they were. I began to look around the room, searching out the evidence.

Tucked hidden below her duvet cover was empty blister packs of Aspirin. There must have been about fifty pills popped and I was sure I had interrupted her.

Why would she have kept empty packets under her bed covers?

_She was halfway through an overdose._

I raced back down the stairs knowing fine well what she had done. The sudden change in behaviour.

She never had a sore head. She couldn't have, not will all those pills.

Her smile fell as soon as she saw the look on mine and she realized she had been caught. She stood up and tried to rush out away from me.

"Bella..." I called her name loud, warning her of my anger. She was unsure of what way to try to escape me, padding on her bare feet in various directions.

"Has your sore head left you yet with all those pills?" I strode towards her, capturing her hands tight, determined not to let her get anywhere.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She lied. I could tell.

Dragging her through to the kitchen, I grasped at her waist, holding her in to me.

She fought and she wriggled and she tried to escape but I wasn't letting her go.

I reached for the salt dish and headed to the sink, pinning her in-between myself and the unit.

I was sure by now that I was hurting her but she had no idea the pain she was about to cause if she never got them out of her system.

"You're hurting me." She tried to make me feel guilty, but I wasn't going to let her tone or words sink in.

"I'm hurting you?" I yelled in her face. "Do you know the pain and the damage you are going to cause. The agony you will feel if I don't stop this."

I filled up a glass of water and as I reached the salt dish, she knocked it over to the floor, smashing it.

"Fuck, Bella. I'm saving you're life. You don't want to know the pain you will be in. You don't. It's agonizing and there is nothing to stop it once it begins. We need them out now." I still shouted at her and she still thrashed below me.

I reached for another glass, keeping it further from her this time. I filled it up with the salt and water and capturing her jaw in my hand, I tried to force the concoction back her throat.

She tried like hell to avoid the glass. But I held her tight, so tight I could feel my hand tremble along the bone of her face. I felt like I was going to break her. I knew I was at least bruising her. And It made me feel sick.

"Just drink it, Bella." I shouted again, forcing the drink down her throat.

She was drowning in it so there was no other option, but to drink it.

I felt her almost convulse at the taste, her gag reflex kicking in at the salt and letting her go of her, she began to throw up in the sink.

She coughed and spluttered, the water and the pills making there way back up. Back out of her system.

She began to still and I grabbed her tight again. "Just go with it, Bella." I pleaded she would but she tried to fight me off again, breaking down in hard solid sobs.

My gut gnawed and I felt sick and I felt ashamed of myself, for being able to cause that. I hated myself but I loved her too much to let her go.

I forced the rest of the drink on her once again and she began to throw up, being sick once more.

She tried to fight me away and I let go of her, giving her what she wanted.

Of course she didn't want me.

As I let go of her, she slumped down so I quickly, caught her once again.

She still sobbed but I wasn't finished yet.

I dragged her out to my car, her body too exhausted to fight any more. I sat her in the passengers seat, belting her up before I raced her to the hospital to make sure there was no serious damage done.

* * *

"I hate you." her words rang in my ears and I hated myself for putting her through this. But it was her own fault. I wasn't giving up on her. I wasn't just going to let her slip off that edge.

Something had brought her to this moment and I was determined to get to the bottom of it.

Her words were groggy from the drugs she had been fed and her eyes struggled to focus on me.

"I don't care, Bella. Hate me all you want. I'm not letting you die." I pulled at my hair, infuriated by myself and infuriated at her lack of want to survive.

_Why was she doing this?_

_Why was she doing this to me?_

Couldn't she see everything I would do for her. I would give her the world if she would just stay with me.

Tanya silently worked away at Bella, adjusting her drip and taking more blood from her.

"Get him out of here." She ordered to Tanya.

I sighed. "Give it up, Bella. I'm not going anywhere. Your dad has your rights and he left you in my care. I'm not going anywhere." I was firm with my words and I could see her flinch at me, seeing that she wasn't getting rid of me.

"I'm not moving until Charlie says." I wasn't moving. Even an order from Charlie would still have to be forced.

"Maybe give her some time to rest, Edward." Tanya tried to be kind to Bella, to let her have the peace she wanted. I wasn't standing for it.

"No. I'm not leaving her. She can lie there and watch me and I'll stand here and watch her breath."

I was being a total bastard and I knew it but my anger was bubbling out of control at the realization.

She wanted to be dead. She didn't want to keep herself alive for me.

_What the hell was last night then?_

"Edward..." Tanya scolded me, trying to pull me back to reality and the fragility of the situation.

I collapsed down in the seat next to her bed. "Why did you do it, Bella? You were making progress." She had been doing good. She was talking about it all. She needed to let the out side world see it, but she was telling me everything.

Was that what had caused it, being at the wedding and struggling to cope with them all finding out the truth.

"It's my life. What does it matter to you what I do?" That was the hardest words I had heard come from Bella.

I jumped back up out my seat. "What does it matter?" I repeated her words in shock. "What does it matter?" I asked again. "All I have done is try to help you. Do you know the time and effort I have put into you." My tone broke and I felt myself begin to wilt at continuously running into this wall.

"I'll leave you too it." Tanya's words were quiet as she crept out of the room.

"I shouldn't be time and effort. You should be spending time with someone that actually deserves it." She tried to argue back. Her voice still groggy.

"You _do_ deserve it." I wasn't giving up in her. Not if Charlie didn't order me away at least. "Bella, you deserve everything. You deserve so much. You have been through hell. That doesn't mean you deserve to stay there. You need to stop this." I was spent with this constant battle. It was so hard.

I wanted to break down in tears and beg for her to stay with me, to tell her that she was all I wanted. I wanted to make her promise that she would spend forever with me.

I heard the door open and looking at it, Charlie appeared. I knew I had lost my time to be completely honest with her now.

"What's happened?" He asked tiredly. His features looked years older than he was and it was Bella who had done it to him. The worry he had for his daughter, this precious part of him.

I looked at her, waiting for her to tell him the story.

Her eyes never met his and they never met mine either. She was refusing to speak.

I began to tell what I could. "I woke up and she was gone. Last night had been good so I didn't know why she had left. We hadn't fallen out. I went over to your house and I caught her half way though an overdose attempt." I didn't need to go into details right now.

He nodded his head, taking in my words. "Her face?" He asked, her jaw was now covered in bruises from when I had held her. My thumbs marks, pressed into her neck.

I felt so disgusted and sick at myself but I knew I had meant no harm to her. It was impossible to fight her like I had without marking her.

"I made her drink salt water so she would throw them back up...She put up a fight. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt her. I...I was trying to save her." My tone cracked and I was surprised to find a comforting hand of Charlies on my shoulder as he moved closer towards me.

"It's okay...I understand." he whispered out as he moved closer to Bella.

"Bella..?" he was so expectant of her, he wanted an answer and he wanted it now.

"It's his fault." she protested, directing her blame at me. "He slept with me."

Everything pause and the air left me.

Her words were like a dagger to the heart.

I couldn't believe she had just said it.

I jumped towards her instantly and pushed Charlie out of my way to get to her.

"How could you say that, Bella?" How could she think I had just slept with her? I had tried to show everything I had felt. I grabbed at her arm, pulling her towards me. "You have to ruin everything, Bella. Why do you have to do it?" I screamed the words in her face and I couldn't help. I had lost it.

I loved this girl and she was hanging me out to dry.

Charlie's grip on my arm was firm and he pulled me away from Bella. I dropped her arm and pulled away from her altogether. I moved across the room a little, wanting away form her but not wanting to leave her at the same time.

"Edward, it's okay. I know the lies she can make up. Trust me. I've head them all." I hated myself even more. He thought she was lying. He didn't believe his own daughter.

_I had to admit the truth._

Not only because it was the right thing to do, but because it was Bella admitting something, something she shouldn't have had to have kept hidden.

Our relationship and all the little labels that went with it, we kept them a secret from Charlie. He trusted me with his daughter and I had taken advantage. There was nothing right about it. I was completely in the wrong and I knew it. I had no one to blame but myself and my own stupidity for allowing it to happen in the first place.

"I'm sorry, Charlie..." the words caught in my through but they got out. Charlie had heard them.

"Sorry?" he questioned. "What are you sorry for?" The flash in his eyes told me he knew, that he understood.

"She's not lying...I slept with her." I admitted full of shame.

Before I knew it I felt myself being pushed back up against the wall and my head smacking off of it. It was sold and it was sore.

"I trusted you. You said I could. You said you weren't like those other guys" He shouted out to me, his words full of fury.

He held me up against the wall, pulling at the material of my t-shirt at my neck. I was sure he was actually going to kill me.

"I'm not. I'...I'm sorry. I never meant for it to happen." I tried to save my own skin but I knew I wasn't worth it, not really. I had take advantage of Bella and I deserved to burn in hell for it.

"When?" he asked, his voice still full of hatred towards me.

"Last night. I know you can't trust me but please believe me when I say I wasn't trying to take advantage." I had, but I had never meant too. I had never meant to become one of those other men.

He laughed bitterly at me as he let go of me.

I crumpled into a heap on the floor, feeling like the little kid I was.

I had paper to say I was a doctor. I wasn't stupid, but I was immature and clearly not able to take responsibility for another's life.

"I'm sorry...Things just happened..." I tried to explain to his back and to Bella's wide eyes.

She was sat up in bed quiet considerably for the drug she had been given.

"I knew it. I knew something was going on. But I gave you the benefit of the doubt. You promised me..." he still argued with me but never once did he turn around.

"I'm sorry...I...I just fell...I just...I love her." I had admitted it out loud. It was out there and I couldn't take it back. Not that I ever would want too.

"I love her." I admitted once more without doubt or hesitation. "I'm in love with her."

He turned to look at me on the floor. "Just leave." he wanted me gone and I knew I would never get past him, to Bella.

My lies had caught up with me and the one thing I had tried so desperately to hold on to had been prised out of my grip.

* * *

I practically crawled out of Bella's room, feeling the smallest, shitties piece of dirt. And it was exactly how I deserved to feel.

"Edward." I heard Tanya call out to me.

"Edward." She called again, her voice changing, realizing I was ignoring her.

"Edward." She called once again. She was louder and firm but I still ignored her words as I walked through the front doors of the emergency department.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, gently tugging at me. "Edward, what's the matter, what's happened?" Tanya had followed me out and her voice was full of worry.

I tried to shrug out from under her touch but all it did was encourage her to wrap her arm around my shoulder and pull me closer into her.

"Come on." She ordered as she pulled me towards a bench that sat out under a little shelter for the smokers. No one was here right now except us.

"Sit down and tell me what happened." she ordered gently.

I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about the look Charlie had given me and I didn't want to think about the pain I felt when Bella let it all come out.

I shook my head, refusing her.

"Edward..." she sighed. "Don't worry. She's fine. Her bloods were normal." her body was fine, but her mind was so messed up.

"And what about her head? What about all the things that are going on in there. Is that fine?" I shot my words at her, trying to vent my anger. I knew it wasn't fair to take it out on her, but I just wanted someone else to hurt too.

"I...I can't do anything for that one Edward. You're the one helping her..." Her words trailed into the air.

"I'm not helping her. I don't think I have even helped in the slightest. Charlie kicked me out." I ran my fingers through my hair and rubbed at my face. The reality of not getting to see Bella ever again, setting in.

"He will come around...He just got a fright. What ever he said, I'm sure he didn't mean it." Tanya tried to sooth me with her words and a comforting hand on my shoulder, but none of that was ever going to work.

"It wasn't what he said. It was what Bella said. She said, I slept with her." I felt my heart tighten and the pain shot through me. It took all I had in me not to break down.

"Edward...did you..?" Her tone was full of worry. She knew I had.

I nodded my head and I couldn't help it. The tears just poured out of me. I covered my face with my hands and wiped at my eyes furiously, trying to make it all disappear, make the pain disappear. But it was useless.

Tanya's arms wrapped around me and she pulled me in towards her trying to shush me.

Suddenly my phone went off, vibrating in my pocket.

Alice had tried calling me earlier but I had cancelled all of her calls. I had to answer her now. I had to let her know what was going on. At least, part of it.

Tanya broke away from me, letting me get to my phone.

"Alice." I answered, trying to keep my voice as normal as possible.

"_Edward, where are you?"_ She was demanding and sounding pissed off and I couldn't blame her. I had ignored her calls for the last hour.

"I'm...I'm at the hospital. Bella...she did it again." I admitted to her. "But she's okay." I quickly finished. It was the last thing she needed to hear. She was to be driving to Seattle later. She didn't need to be told this.

"_I'm coming right over." _Her voice full of panic.

"No. Don't. Charlie is here and he just wants to be left alone with her just now." It wasn't a complete lie.

"_I don't care. She's my friend. I want to see her."_ She demanded.

"Alice, please...I'll call you if there is any news. But she is fine." I was slow and deliberate with my words. Tanya said she was fine. Her blood and body was at least.

"_Edward..."_ She whined.

"I'll call you, Alice." That was it. I cut the call, ending our words and she had been told. She would be mad, but I would drive down to Seattle and explain to her. She needed to hear it all and not over a damn telephone.

"Listen...I need to get back to work." She sounded apologetic and I knew she had her job to do. It wasn't as if I couldn't look after myself.

I nodded. "It's fine, I'll be fine." I turned to look at her. "I know you have work and I know that you can't tell me anything..." I was hoping she would give me something. If Charlie was going to make any rash decisions.

"Edward. I'll tell you, but only if you promise me you wont act out if you don't like it. I'll let you know what happens if you promise you don't get involved.

I nodded, silently agreeing. I knew I couldn't risk her job and I wouldn't.

She stood up. "If I hear anything, I'll let you know." she told me before walking away and back in through the entrance.

I sat there for what must have been easily two hours. Maybe more.

All I could think about was last night and what it had meant to me. I thought I was getting everything I wanted. I thought it was a vital piece of helping put Bella back together again. I thought if she knew how much I cared for her, she would try to get better. That I would be there for her and support her.

I knew what she did to herself could be like an addiction, a chain that she was never quite able to break but I wanted to be there for her and her nightmares. I didn't want her anywhere else but my side, but I wanted to know if she wasn't with me, she could rest easy on her own.

I still didn't understand it. The reason she left the wedding and the reason she attempted to hurt or kill herself.

_What was she thinking? What had been going through her head?_

I wished she had thought about me, about the pain she would have put me in. As selfish as it was, I wished her knowledge of that would have hurt, enough for her to stop what she had been trying to do.

Before I knew it, the sun was getting lower and lower in the sky and I had been out her for hours.

I had spoke to no one and I wasn't even sure if anyone but Alice, knew I was here.

I still sat on the bench. A few smokers had come and gone, but no one sat down beside me.

I leaned forward in my seat with my face in my hands.

Tanya had left for home a couple of hours ago so I wasn't going to get any information tonight.

I didn't know what to do or even where to go.

Bella had practically lived in my apartment. It never held any of her items – with the exception of the hair pins she had left last night – but she had still treated it almost like her own. She would get up and make me breakfast on weekends when I was still fast asleep. I hated it and loved it. I hated that she felt like she had to make me food, but god, did I love her cooking.

_I wasn't going to fall asleep with her in my arms ever again._

There was a strong kick to my foot, giving me a fright. Jumping up I was met with those two brown eyes I had saw in Bella's room, and they still weren't pleased to see me.

"Charlie..." Panic grew in me and I was sure he was going to hit me.

* * *

_**a/n; Please Review – I'm trying so hard to get these chapters out, so just give me a little heads up to let me know if you are liking it.**_

_**Please if you ever feel like Bella, speak to someone. Call your operator to ask for a helpline number such as Samaritans for the UK or Hopeline if you live in the US. **_

_**Also, I do try to handle this subject with sever sensitivity and keep it true to life. If you feel that I ever compromise this, let me know. The issue is close to my heart so please let me know your thoughts.**_


	21. The Night Watchman Lets In The Thief

_**n/a; guys...I'm so so sorry this is so late. life got CRAZY - some good, n some bad. Please forgive me! this was written up a while ago but i never had time to fix it up.**_

_**this is for my lil christina cos i NEED to talk to her soooo bad. I'm mailing you right now (if you dont already have it)!**_

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**The Night Watchman Lets In The Thief **

**BPOV**

The door closed with a soft click, and I though that I could breathe easy now that he was gone.

_I was wrong._

My guilt still consumed me all the same and the sad look he had held in his eyes still haunted my mind.

But he had no right.

It was my decision. It was my body.

My words were true; I hated him.

_But I still loved him._

My dad cleared his throat and my attention went back to him. My mind struggling to think about anything else, other than Edward.

I wasn't right sure if it was the medication I had been given or just the guilt I felt. Either way, there was music to face and my tune had only just begun.

"So..." He started. "Want to tell me what this is all about?" He motioned to the room and then to myself as he sat down in the seat next to my hospital bed.

I swallowed hard.

I shook my head, refusing to answer him. I shouldn't have had to have faced him. I shouldn't have been here.

"Bella..." He sighed and it was tired, bored and full of contempt. "Why? Why now? I thought you were feeling...better."

It seemed so easy to him. He thought it was like a cut on my knee. He thought it had scabbed over and flaked away, leaving the soft shiny new cells out to gleam in the sun.

_It wasn't._ It was like an infected wound that needed constant attending, washing the bad away.

I knew I had been feeling better in myself, but Rosalie's words had dug deep and they sent me tumbling all the way back down._ Back to my reality._

Edward was too good for me. And he always would be.

He came here to start a new job, not to babysit me. He didn't need me and my history holding him back any more than the time we had already spent together.

I wanted him. I did. But he deserved better. Rosalie's words weren't cruel. They were true. She was right. I had lay there and asked for it and for that, I was never going to be good enough. I had no inner strength to stand up and deal with this. I fed off of the comfort of men and with it, went, the tiny last piece of the feeling in my heart. I was numb.

Edward had shaken it up and he had gave me this whole other feeling that made it feel warm. He made it feel alive. Lying with him in bed at night, I felt my heart pulse with life once again. His hands on me jolted it to the speed of lightning, where I was sure it could burst. But it never did. It made me feel indestructible.

But I wasn't and Rosalie's words still rang in my ears, telling me not to break his heart. Because she knew a girl like me, that had her soul taken, couldn't truly love him, not after I gave everything away to strangers.

I shook my head, answering Charlie. "She's right."

"Who? Did someone say something to you at the wedding?" His voice jumped and his eyebrows bunched forward at my words but I wasn't going to tell him anything.

This was my battle, and I was losing. _I should have lost by now, though._

He sighed and rubbed at his face, infuriated with me and my silence.

"Well...I hope you think you're clever." He bit at me. His face was angry and I wanted him away from me. "Why did you do it? He wanted to help you..." He sighed so tiredly.

My eyes snapped to his, instantly. Was he talking about Edward?

"I hate him." I hissed my words out groggily.

"You hate him? Why? Did he hurt you?" He was mad and I wasn't sure who's side he was on any more. He should have been on my side.

But Edward never hurt me, and I wasn't going to blame him for something he hadn't done. I shook my head, telling him no.

"He manipulated you?" He questioned with a raised brow. I shook my head answering him no, once again.

"You hate him because he cares about you so much that he wouldn't let you do that to yourself? He wouldn't give you up?"

I never answered him. He was spot on.

"Are you serious. This boy takes you into his own bed. For weeks – and you hate him." I still never spoke.

"Bella, I don't care what you did or didn't get up to with that boy. I've heard enough things about you...You think I don't hear people whispering behind my back? You think I don't know what's been going on the past year?"

He shook his head at me. "I'm not letting you blame him. I'm not going to go out there and hit him because you want me too, because he saved your life...I...I don't know how many times he has put himself out on the line for you, and this is the way you treat him?" I didn't need to respond now, it didn't matter. He was through with what I thought.

"He's an idiot that should have known better than to do that, but I know you Bella. You get what you want and you're part in this was just as big a part as Edward's. I'm not going to blame him. How..how...where would I even start to blame him? For falling in love with you? For saving your life? For dragging you out of some hell hole in Port Angales?"

He stood up and walked around the room mindlessly. Rubbing at his short curls, he turned to me again. "This was your last chance, Bella. You just blew it. I tried to still let you do what you wanted..."

"No..." I tried to argue, weakly. He was telling me that whatever the doctor suggested, that would be my treatment. And that would be most likely to be committed into a ward with my rights gone.

"It's too late. I gave you you're chance. I can't help you."

"Edward, can." I fought back in a hush.

"Edward? You just told me you hate him. What's it to be?" He snapped at me as he stood closer to my bed.

Edward could help me. He had been helping me. He had done so much to help me get through it all. I wanted him with me right now. Just to lie in his arms for a while longer.

I knew what I had done. I had destroyed our relationship single handedly with telling Charlie we had been intimate. Despite him trying to remain neutral on that situation, I knew he would struggle to trust Edward, now. Edward had crossed the line.

But it wasn't how Charlie thought. Edward had treated me with nothing but respect. Even when I tried to push myself on to him, he would do his best to reject me, without hurting my feelings. Edward had understood I just wasn't ready and despite my protests, he refused to let it happen.

Last night I was ready. I was ready to love him and have him, just the once, and let him get on with his life without me in it.

Rosalie was right. I was going to break his heart. I struggled to hold on to that ledge and there would come a day when I would slip.

Leaving Edward was the only option.

But he was still the only one I trusted to try and help me.

"I love him, too." The words were quiet but firm.

He looked down at me, rising his eyebrows at me with a groan. "He can't help you like that, Bella. Not any more."

I nodded because I knew he was right. Edward wasn't mine. I had to let him go but he had still had a plan for getting me help. Despite my trying today, he had still helped me.

I knew I wasn't worthy of Edward and that life without him would be as painful as my life without my mother. But I was still here. Maybe there was a way to live without them in my life and not want to die, to not have the nightmares, to not want pain to consume my mind so much so that it was the only thing I could feel. Alcohol seemed to be the only thing to numb the hurt, but maybe Edward was right. Maybe with the right help, I could learn to cope.

Right now I didn't hold much faith. But without Edward's help, I knew that the outcome would be incarceration on a hospital ward.

Edward was the only person I could trust.

Charlie sighed and sat down in the chair behind him, running his hands through his hair. "Bella, what do you want? You are saying two very different things here. I tired, I really did try to let you have control of your life. I shouldn't have to tell you what you should do everyday, but at the same time...if it was me instead of Edward, today, I would have done the exact same thing. I cant let you go like that..." his eyes were glazed and I could see I was breaking him. I never meant to hurt him in all of this, it was just inevitable.

"Edward." I nodded so sure of myself, so positive. It was the only thing I knew I wanted. I had to let him go but if I was to get help, I needed him to get me through it first. "I want, Edward." I wanted him to hold me and let me rest.

I wanted Edward and I needed rest.

* * *

**EPOV**

I jumped out of my seat on the bench out side the emergency department. "Charlie...Look, I'm sorry. I never meant for it to turn out this way." I tired to hold my hand up in defence, praying to god not for this to turn into a fight or getting myself arrested.

"Sit down, Edward." His tone was low and tired but he was still angry. I did what I was told.

I felt afraid of whatever was going to come out of his mouth and I realized that Charlie had only ever been the one person to provoke such fear in me. I didn't know if it was because Bella's life was in his hands and I knew he could keep her away from me.

He sat down on the bench beside me and I was surprised. He never looked at me and it took him time before he began to speak.

"I know whatever happened between you and Bella, it's between you and Bella. I don't like it. In fact I'm pretty pissed at you because you said it _wouldn't_ happen. But it did..." he shrugged his shoulders before he rubbed at his face. He seemed so tired. I felt sorry for him.

He was quiet again and he looked out to the trees in the distance in thought.

"I'm surprised you're still out here. I was looking to speak to your father but some jumped up intern that though he knew better, he wouldn't call him for me. I don't have his phone number."

He never wanted to speak to me, he wanted my father.

He laughed without humour. "He reminded me of another jumped up intern that thought he knew better..." I felt his eyes land on me and I knew it was me who he was talking about. He was right. I was just some jumped up intern that thought they knew better. But I wasn't. I was naive and I was wrong.

Reaching for my phone I search my fathers mobile number and handed it to him. "You can call him on that. Just press the call button on the screen."

He looked at it as if it was a foreign object and shook his head. "No. I wanted to call your father, but Bella wanted me to call you." I felt my eyes go wide. Bella wanted to talk to me? "She wants you to help her. She said that you had spoke about some sort of plan..."

I had spoke to her briefly on it just so she knew it was coming. I didn't want to make it something and have her worry.

I nodded my head. "There is a place I know in Seattle. It's a rehab centre. But it's not all that popular." I didn't know if he would want me to take her there. Bella thought it was a doctor she was going to see. She was, but she would be staying in there just like she would have, if she was committed to a ward. Only treatment was a bit different.

"Why isn't it popular?" He asked but I was sure he didn't want the answer.

"Methods. The place was set up to help self harmer. Typically, self-harmer's don't really have suicidal thoughts or even attempt it. The harm they do to themselves is there coping mechanism, doing that to themselves, releases the stress somewhat. They hurt themselves for release, they don't usually want to die, because they are already coping with the situation." I tired to let Charlie understand everything. Bella was more complex than only a self harmer.

"That's pretty messed up." He stated so simply.

"Well for them, it doesn't seem it. Its just like other people crying or shouting...or binged drinking..." Just like Bella.

"Like, Bella?" He asked already ahead of me.

I nodded. "Yes. She has nightmares and cant sleep. What she wants is to drown the thoughts out of her head. She seems okay if someone is sleeping next to her...but not so good if she knows she has to be alone."

I sighed. "I don't know if Bella tried to end her life or if she was only becoming more dependant on harm, for her to cope."

We were silent as we thought.

"The wedding? Who had a go at her?" Charlie asked a little sharply.

But it was news too me. I didn't know of any altercation between Bella and anyone else.

"What?" I asked surprised.

"Bella said, "She was right.". Who was right and about what?" He looked at me as if I knew the answer, but I didn't.

I had no idea what he was talking about. "At the wedding?" I clarified.

"No...she never said that. I just assumed..." He shrugged and I tried to think of anything. A look or something. Anything that would have made her leave. She had been heading for the bathroom, the last time I had saw her. Who had she spoken too?

We fell silent again. My mind racing to think who could have said something to her.

"She says she loves you too, you know?" Charlie's words floored me as I looked up at him in surprise. "That's what she told me. She said you are the only one she trusts to help her."

"She loves me?" I asked, totally blown away.

"Do you really love her?" He asked a little more firmly.

"Yes." I said it without an ounce of hesitation. I was completely in love with this girl and I knew I would have done anything to help her.

"Do you want to help her?" He was being serious.

"Yes. Of course I do." Did he not think I was willing enough.

"Do you really want to help her? I'm not being a bastard here, but you were...The two of you... Christ, Edward. I don't know the words I'm looking for here. You need to think that if she does get the right help, that maybe she...maybe she won't want to be with you. I'm sorry I have to say it but you have to think about it, take it on-board."

It was as if he punched me in the stomach. It would have actually have hurt less. But he was right. Maybe she wouldn't want me after all of this. But I loved her and if that's what it took, then so be it.

"I know, Charlie. But I still want to help her. I could live in a world with her and be without her by my side, but I couldn't live in a world without her at all."

He nodded and gave a small tight lipped smile.

* * *

If she had told her father she loved me, I would have to say it was some kind of ploy.

She lay out on her bed, ignoring me. Her father spoke, explaining to her of our plans of her rehabilitation and to say she was less than thrilled would be an understatement.

"You can't do that. I cant cope on my own." She argued as she sobbed.

The look on her face was still heartbreaking and despite a hopeful look ghost her face as I had entered, it was long gone and all she did was scowl at me through watery eyes.

"I thought you were going to help me." She sobbed out in my direction, the first time she had really acknowledged my presence.

"I am, Bella. This will help you." Reaching forward I tried to place a comforting hand over hers but she shifted away before I had the chance, so I pulled back from her. She obviously didn't want me to touch her.

"But I can't sleep without you." She wiped her face, trying to calm her tears. "Please, don't leave me like that."

Charlie sighed. He was clearly a little annoyed that I had got myself so entangled with Bella, that she truly believed that she couldn't go a night without me. But she really couldn't.

I was worried to say what I truly wanted too say with Charlie sitting right next to me. I wanted to be truthful and let her see my view but I didn't know if Charlie would like to hear it. He had been pretty understanding so far but I understood that there would come a breaking point.

"Bella, your tough. You will get through it. Me and your dad will both be near bye." I was only saying a few of the things I wanted too. I wanted to tell her I loved her and that we would both get through it together.

She shook hear head, a heart rendering sob coming from her chest. "No. Dad, please don't make me. He doesn't know what he's talking about." Bella argued and I knew she was only trying to install doubt in his mind to get her own way. She had manipulated him for so long and she was still trying.

"No, Bella." He told her firmly. "We do it Edward's way. This was what you wanted. It's what you're getting."

"I wanted him to hold me. Not for him to send me away." She argued with a growl.

I had had enough. "Bella, if you don't do this, what will you do?" I snapped at her.

She looked at me, unsure of what to say or how to respond at all. "You could help me yourself." She pleaded with tears.

"I have. I've done all I can. You have begun to talk. You have let it out. Now work through it, because you really need to if you want any shot at a normal life. You can't go on letting theses nightmares haunt you."

"I don't want to go. I thought you loved me. If you did, you wouldn't make me do this."

I stood up and let my chair squeak behind me. "Don't think you can try to twist my mind. I'm a step ahead of you. How the hell do you think I searched your room in the first place?" My words were low and aggressive and I was inches from her face. She looked scared of me, but I didn't care. She was going to learn she couldn't walk over me like she had managed to do to Charlie.

"Edward..." Charlie warned.

Turning to him, I was shocked that he was letting her get to him so easily. "No, Charlie. You came to me asking to help. I'm not letting her do this to me and she's not doing it to you any more."

Turning back to Bella, I gently wiped a few strands of hair out of her face. "I love you but this is my game now. You have to stick to the rules. Either that, or I'm gone." I was careful with my words but I still wanted her to take them on board. The look I was giving her was telling her everything that I had struggled to do with my tone of voice. I was here for her, but only if she tried to help herself.

Turning back to Charlie once more, "I'm going to call the centre. Let them know to expect us tomorrow. I know someone there. He's good." Aro, though he had the tendency to seem a little psychopathic himself, was an expert. He had helped dozens of people in similar situations to Bella and I had every faith in him that he could help. Providing Bella was to concede to the treatment. She would never get better if she didn't want too, if she was to fight against us.

Charlie nodded, and I headed to the door, trying my best to ignore the silent heartbreaking plea written all over Bella's face.

I was seriously beginning to wonder about my own sanity, in relation to trying to help her. If she was to seriously sabotage all we were going to be doing, then I was quite certain I was going to end up a mess of my own.

I made the call to Aro himself and he was only to happy to help. He knew of some of Bella's past already as I had spoken to him several times previously on how to try and help her.

He was a big on talking and had only ever encouraged me to try and get her to open up.

It was his number one rule; Talking and hold no secrets.

I knew it was quite possible that tomorrow night Bella would be in a bigger mess than I had found her in. Aro's approach was autopic. He would want to know every detail, every nightmare, every drink and quite possibly every liaison she ever had.

He would want to know the who's, the whys and the when of every event since the moment she knew Katrina was going to hit.

He was going to tear her apart – and quite possibly me included.

But I loved her and if I got to be with her to help her though it, then I would. I wasn't just going to walk away, despite my warnings I had gave to Bella. She needed to be scared into submission. She needed to see that she really didn't have control of the situation and that all we were trying to do was to help her, not fight her.

She was strong willed in self protection, but she had to see that it was okay to be vulnerable and admit her loss and struggles to others.

I had been sitting outside her room for almost thirty minutes, trying to give the two of them space to talk.

Bella had to go. She had no free will, that had been taken from her because of her actions, but she still held her self determination tight and it was all a matter of time until we would see if she was determined to fight us or work with us.

Charlie stepped out of the room and his eyes landed on me instantly. Sitting down with me, he looked down at the floor.

He coughed and shifted a little uncomfortably before he began to speak. "Bells...She's worried about sleep."

"She should have though of that sooner." I quipped back, not actually too sure on why I was taking it out on Charlie.

He sighed. "I know. But she didn't. And now she's really scared."

I nodded, understanding both her and Charlie's concerns. "I...I'll stay here in case..." I shrugged. "Well – if you'll let me." I looked up at him.

I tried to clarify for him. "I'll stay out here if she...if she..." I rubbed at my eyes, exhausted. My mind struggled to work and I couldn't focus on anything it felt.

"She wont know I'm here. She has to learn to do it on her own." I nodded at my own words, as did Charlie.

"I'll stay, too." he added.

That wasn't a good idea. I didn't want Bella to have a melt down in the middle of the night and for Charlie to give in to her and keep her home, never getting better. Besides Someone needed to drive.

"You can, I'm not going to argue with you, but one of us needs to drive tomorrow. You need a clear head for all what you will be getting told. You are in charge of her life just now and you really need to take on what's happening to her."

"I can do that." he bit at me. He sounded angry, almost.

"Really? Cause, I don't think I'll be my best tomorrow, as much as I'll be trying. You _need_ to be."

He let out a little defeated sigh. "I'll tell her goodnight, that I'll see her tomorrow."

I nodded at his words as he got up and left me alone.

He was out not long after, his eyes glazed. I actually wanted to hug him. He looked so shattered.

Eventually, I went in to tell her good night. I wasn't prepared for the look in her eyes and the panic in her voice though.

She shifted up in her bed as I walked in he room, her face streaked with tears.

Without thinking, I rushed to her side and kissed her firmly on the lips. "You're going to be okay." I promised against her mouth.

I held her face in my hands and I could feel her shake her face in disagreement to me. "I'm not. I don't want to be alone. Can't it be like last night?" She sobbed out her breath, the air catching in her lungs.

"Bella, it can't be like last night. This is what last night did to you." I let my eyes trace the bed below her. I had put her here.

"No it didn't..." She tried to argue with more sobs. I shushed her and calmed her a little, just as I told her I was needing to leave.

Of course she acted out on that one. Her vice grew louder and she begged me not to leave.

I was so tied, but I knew I had to try. Aro had allowed for our bed sharing, providing she was giving information, and she had. But what Aro didn't know, that our relationship was growing into something else.

I had did wrong, and keeping myself back was all I could do to try and put it right.

I left her in her room in a flood of salty tears, her face red and heated. I heard her cries from out in the hall, the pain passing through me and thoughts to give up and just go back to her.

I honestly didn't know if I was helping or hindering the situation.

Eventually, her cries stopped and I felt the long day take it's toll out on me as I fell asleep, across the plastic hospital chairs.

I jumped up from my sleep a few hours later. Bella screaming in pain. Nurses rushed into her room and I held my breath waiting outside, wondering of they could sate her for the moment.

Pleads came pouring out of her. To call me. To call her father. To call Alice.

She sobbed and I could hear one of the nurses try to sooth her but it was no use. She was determined to stay awake.

Finally, after a few minutes, I couldn't take any more. I had to go to her.

I rushed to her side and cradled her into me. Gripping onto my t shirt, her hands balled it up, but I couldn't have cared less if she tore the thing off of me.

The nurse left us and I pulled up onto the bed, holding her tight. "Bella, you're fine." I promised to her, just like I had earlier. But I was wrong.

She nodded into my chest. "I hate this life..." Her words were an almost inaudible hiss, full of pain and shattered hope.

It was something she was admitting to at least. She had never spoke of hating life, but the reality of not being able to sleep on her own had hit her hard after her long day.

"It will get better." I knew it would. It had too. It simply wasn't fair that she had to exist like she had.

–

I felt a firm hand on my shoulder in the morning. I was still in bed with Bella and possibly in trouble, depending who had found us.

Looking up, my father stood. He didn't seem mad, he seemed seriously concerned.

I pulled myself from Bella, gently shaking her and telling her I would only be a moment. She replied back with a small mumble and I hoped no more nightmares.

Following him out the room, I saw the shift swap over take place. It was getting busy and it was getting lively. Patients wakening up.

"Edward, I wished you would have called me. Let me know what was happening. I only just found out." He looked a little guilty.

I shook his concern, away. "I'm taking her to Aro, later. Were going to get her help."

"Aro?" he asked a little surprised. "Is she ready for that?" He asked a little concerned.

"She has to be. She can't go on living like this and I can't leave her on her own any more. She hadn't had a nightmare in two weeks, but she still took those damn pills."

He nodded and put a shoulder on my hand. "I'll sort you some time off. But, Edward, you need to be here for your job. Too much time off and you could be put back a year."

I knew being kept back a year would be the best thing that could go wrong. At worst; I could be kicked out my inter-ship altogether.

"I can't just leave her." I sighed. I couldn't.

He knew our relationship wasn't so simple any more. He knew that I cared for her implicitly. He knew that I just couldn't walk away from her.

So he never asked. He never tried to put doubt in my mind, because although he was concerned that this would be the outcome, he never gloated that he was right and I was now, in too deep."

"I love her." I whispered out the words too him, not wanting the rest of my colleagues to know my business.

He gave a tight smile and a nod, quietly telling me, he knew.

"I expected it. You have since that night Bella fell out with you at ours." I couldn't even begin to think when I had fallen in love with her, only that I felt like I always had done.

I sat down in one of the seats I had slept in and he sat down beside me. "I'm sorry. I should have listened. I..I just. Shit, dad. I couldn't just walk away form her."

He comforted me with an arm across my shoulder and told me to only focus on the present now. "You can't live in the past. You need to be there for her and take her to get help. If you think she's ready, then that is you and Charlie's decision. But be ready for this getting worse before it gets better."

"Does it get any worse?" I asked, not quite believing it could.

"Bella will be alone and she will be scared and you won't get to sleep outside her room and go to her when she needs you. She is going to have to face everything."

It was going to get worse. A lot worse.

* * *

_**Please review and let me know what you tink and. I will ud a lot sooner this time! **_


	22. Christopher

_**a/n: a little shout out to TheUnderStudy, who helped me to get to 999 reviews on HOTRS**_

_**1 away from 1000 – YAY!**_

* * *

**Christopher**

**BPOV**

Looking around my room, I packed my bag filling it with all I needed for my rehabilitation in Seattle.

I didn't want to go, but I had no choice. I couldn't think of a way to escape. Charlie had always been a step behind me since I had left the hospital and he was packed and waiting for me, downstairs.

I glanced at the window, wondering if it was possible to escape, to climb through and drop to the ground and run away.

I walked up to the white painted frame and seriously considered it.

"Planing to run?" Edwards voice called from behind me, catching me off guard.

I quickly pulled away from the window and looked in his direction to find him leaning against the side of my door frame.

"Would it be bad if I said, yes?" I asked nervously.

He laughed a little at my words. "I wouldn't have been too surprised. It would be bad if you did run, but you're still here..." He gave a small smile as he walked into my room, taking a seat on my bed. He gently patted the mattress, silently inviting me to sit with him. So I did. Because this was Edward.

I felt nervous and I felt scared. I was worried and I was terrified. But with Edward beside me, I felt okay. Not great, but okay. That I could live. That I could survive.

He cupped my cheek so softly as his emerald eyes twinkled as he looked in to mine.

"I'm proud of you." He told me in a whisper. I had no idea why he was proud. I had only disappointed him and I was only going because I was being forced.

"I don't want to go." He knew I still didn't want to go, I wanted him to help me. Not some stranger.

"I know. But you will be fine-"

"Like last night?" I jumped in on his words. His face crumpled at the thought of how we had been, how we had ended up last night. Me in his arms, a total mess.

He continued. "You are going to be fine. I'm not going to lie, its going to be hard as hell but you have got though so much more. This should be a breeze."

He sighed as he pulled his hands away from my face. My body aching at the loss of his warmth and safety.

"I...I got you this." he cleared his throat as he rummaged in his pocket. "Okay, well I never got it. Alice got me it when I went travelling before med school." Pulling out a silver chain, he dangled a pendant on it. "It's a Saint Christopher. I thought it would help with our little journey...and your bigger one."

I smiled instantly at the gift he was giving me. He unclasped the chain and I swept at my hair, letting him place it on me.

I placed my hand down on top of the silver pendant feeling a little safer that I had someone watching over me.

Edward gazed at it, admiring it hanging from my neck and the atmosphere changed. I looked into his eyes and I felt indestructible once again. He could always make me feel so strong, even though I knew I wasn't.

He sensed the change and tried to get it back to normal. "So...what can you tell me about Saint Christopher?" His smile was small with sadness and I knew that he really didn't want to have to do this to me but I knew as well as he did, that it was needed.

I laughed a little at the irony. If only I had this sooner. "Saint Christopher is the patron of travellers, as you know..." As he had pointed it out, speaking of our journey. "But he is also the patron of storms."

His brow creased and his eyes closed at my words and he let out a sigh. "I'm sorry. I was only trying to help-" His words rushed from his mouth.

I interrupted him. "You did. It means a lot. It makes me feel a little better that he will be watching us. And that you let me borrow it..." I shrugged as he opened his eyes back up to me.

He nodded silently before reaching down and kissing my lips. "I want you to keep it." he whispered as he reached into my ear, pulling me into his chest in a hug before kissing the top of my head.

I only nodded in reply.

This was going to be hell, but I would always get to keep this little part of Edward with me now.

* * *

I watched the world fly bye as I sat, looking out the window of my fathers police cruiser.

It was a little symbolic. Me sitting behind the safety grill between the front and rear seats. I didn't know if it felt like I was more an animal in a zoo or a criminal behind bars. Technically, I should be a criminal since it was the police cruiser...

"Are you okay, back there?" My dad called to me, as he looked at me in the rear view mirror. I gave a nod in response, knowing he could see me, that he was watching me.

Edward turned to look back at me and I couldn't even try to form a small smile, not even for him.

Instead I grasped at the chain around my neck, praying for safety at the end of my journey. That's what Edward had called it. A journey. Not just the ride to Seattle, but my rehabilitation, too.

Was this all it was? Some kind of journey, set up to test me.

I suppose if Edward had never caught me, I would have failed. In all honesty, I had failed. My survival now was built purely on Edwards fast acting.

I still hated that he took that from me.

No one understood that feeling of standing on the brink of a nightmare and just wanting it to all go away. I needed it to go away. It was too hard to face it every night and the looks I got every day were hard as well.

I didn't want to die. I just saw no other way of ending it.

This constant stream, this vision burning your brain. It was horrendous and with the exception of making my self pass out with alcohol, nothing seemed to stop it.

Edward seemed to believe it could stop. It stopped for him and I suppose he saw it could stop for me. But he had been right, our worlds and situations had been different. He held no real image of it, where as I could remember very second.

So I grasped my St. Christopher and prayed.

Edward gave a small smile seeing I held some faith in it. But the only faith I felt from it was getting to Seattle in one piece and straight into my living hell. _Of course, Edward was around so I would survive my arrival for that one._

"Do you want anything, Bella?" Edward still looked back at me and at his words I stretched out along the back seat, resting my head on the far end.

"Sleep." I replied to him. I was still exhausted from last night and my lack of sleep and all I wanted was some rest. Some proper rest.

My eyes still fixed onto his features and his lips pulled into a tight line of uncertainty.

"Do you want to sleep?" He asked seriously.

"I'm tired..." I I felt my lids flutter.

My mind began to cloud over and all I could hear was faint mumbled from up front. I could have heard them if I was awake, but I wasn't. I was in the mixed land of the living and the unconscious.

The next thing I felt was being shaken.

I was screaming and pushing away the weight that hovered above me. I didn't know what it was.

"Bella, Bella." Edwards voice called to me and my eyes snapped open to find his own filled with worry.

"It was only a bad dream." he told me so surely. His face upside down from mine.

He wiped at my face as I realized I had been crying as well.

He sat me up a little, sliding himself below me in the seat that I had rested my head, but now resting against his chest as he held me in close.

He closed the door behind him before swiftly checking over me once again.

"Are you okay?" his tone was so gentle and I felt myself pull into him automatically. I couldn't help but want to be closer to him.

My breath stuttered with my tears as I silently nodded my head, assuring him that I was fine.

Edwards eyes looked back to my father and it was then I realized that he had watched the two of us together. I couldn't care though, all I did was pull myself in closer to his chest and rest my eyes.

I felt Edwards lips press against my cheek and a small audible peck passed through the car and I was sure my father had heard if, and possibly had witnessed it.

The car took off once again and we were continuing on our way to Seattle, all of us knowing that I really did need this help that was going to be offered.

* * *

He didn't look like a professional. Not physically at least. His long hair sat over his shoulders and he looked more like some ageing hippy. His suit was smart though. Well cut and and perfectly sized.

He grinned at me as he entered his office, us waiting on him.

"Sorry about that." He chimed in with a weirdly happy tone. "On of my patients..." he finished off, knowing he couldn't go into detail.

"So, Edward. You have brought Bella to me." He smiled across at Edward as he sat down behind his desk. "It's nice to finally put a face to the name. Edward has told me a lot about you." He nodded back at me before shifting his gaze to Charlie. "And you must be, Charlie." he acknowledged with a bow of the head.

"Yes, Sir." My dad replied back with a nod.

"Please. Call me Aro. I know that you are becoming one of my patients but I like to try and keep it a little informal, if that's okay." His eyes looked slightly possessed, as if he was on some kind of drugs but there wasn't an ounce of malice behind them. "I want you all to be able to talk to me and keep it almost as friends...I say almost because I have a feeling you wont want to think of me that soon enough..." His words filled into the air and I felt my self panic, my eyes landing on Edward, wondering just what he had talked my father into.

I only nodded in response to Aro. My eyes still on Edward.

Aro licked his lips before he spoke once again. "Okay. So from what Edward tells me, he is worried that you are depending on alcohol to get though the hurdles in life, Bella. Is that right?"

I frowned wondering if he was asking if I was an alcoholic.

"He said that you drink so to try and keep yourself from having nightmares..." he clarified for me.

I nodded silently, my eyes meeting Edwards.

"Perhaps you could tell me about the nightmares a little?" He asked with a small smile.

"I see things." I shrugged. "Things from the past." I didn't want to be here and I didn't want to talk about this, not to this man.

"Okay..." He pushed for me to continue, but I never.

The room fell into a silence as I looked down at my lap.

"So I'm going to have to get a little tougher. Bella, I ask questions and you answer them as much as you possibly can." he told me, his assertiveness scaring me a little.

"Shouldn't we be alone." I asked as I glanced between Charlie and Edward. Isn't that how it went? I lay out on some kind of couch and I tell him all my problems?

"No, not right now. There will be a time for that later. Besides, you have lost your rights, meaning your father should know what is going on...And I assume Edward knows most things, since the both of you have been speaking."

"I will be asking the two of them questions as well, Bella. They want to help you, you all need to work together."

I nodded, understanding his words.

"Again, Bella. What do you dream of?" He was waiting for me to tell all.

I took in a deep breath before looking at Edward. He placed a reassuring hand on my knee and I felt that feeling he gave ma all over again. _I could do this._

"I dream of the hurricane I was caught in. I see my mum and Phil in their car...I see the wind and rain." I gasped for air, struggling to breath.

They all sat there watching me and Aro gave me the time I needed. "I see flashbacks to the roof of the Superdome being pulled away with the force of Katrina. I remember feeling so alone and feeling like I was going to die... Just like my mum."

Edwards hand gripped at my knee at I let my sobs out, trying to discreetly wipe away my tears with the sleeve of my top.

I had never thought that he would have got this out of me so quick. I thought I would have had to have some appointment with in the next day or so after being fed drugs to stop the dreams.

He leaned forward in his seat, resting his elbows on the desk in front of him. "Bella, I know this is hard. I understand that. But I am going to need to know everything."

I nodded. "It's just different visions of the whole incident. Like when I saw the helicopter pull down towards me in the dark..." I rushed out worried that he thought I was trying to hide something.

He smiled at me a little sadly. "It's good that you told me that. But what I mean is, I need to know everything in your life now, as well. I need to know the things that this tragedy has made you do. Because it has made you do it. This incident started off a chain of events and I need to know what that includes." I felt a strange wave of compassion roll off of him, towards me and it made me feel a little better that he saw me and the things I done as almost separate identities.

"Edward told me that he first met you in a small driving incident. That he was angry when he found out who you were, but now you seem very close. How did that change come about?"

He eyed Edward before he looked back at me.

"There was an incident with his sister-"

"What kind of incident?" He interrupted me as he began to squiggle on his note pad.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "She almost died because I gave her cocaine." I told him with shame. "I never meant to hurt her. I was just trying to make her feel better..."

"With drugs?" He looked back up at me, silently studying me. I only nodded.

"We'll come back to this another time. I still want to know how you became close..." he prodded.

"He pulled me out of a bar. He knew I was too young to drink and so he told the bar man and I was pretty much kicked out. He took me home." I shrugged.

"To who's home?"He asked carefully.

I glanced to my dad, knowing that I had told Edward lies so I could stay with him. I had told Edward my father would be mad if he saw me as I was, but the truth was, I was being punished for my behaviour. My penance; to stay at home for the weekend, alone.

"To his. I told him my dad would be upset if he saw me, but he wasn't there. He had left me alone for the weekend." I admitted, feeling guilty for Charlie's actions.

"Charlie? Edward? Is this right?" Aro asked them nicely to confirm.

Charlie shuffled in his seat, and gave a small nod. "Yes. I was trying to show her that her behaviour wasn't acceptable..." his words mumbled into the air.

"So...you were trying to punish her?"

I hated how he could just say that to him. He had been right to do what he did. He was only trying to get me to behave, to be normal.

Charlie only nodded.

Aro held his look and his words as he turned to Edward. "So you took her home, to your apartment? Did you think that was a good idea?"

It was Edwards turn to shuffle uncomfortably in his seat. "Not really, but I didn't want her to get into trouble-"

"Even though you didn't like her?" he jumped in.

Edwards head quickly turned to me, silently apologizing. "I had saw her hospital notes after she ran me off the road. I didn't want her or her father to have any more fall out. I guessed that it was hard on both of them and if she stayed at mine, it would save any more friction." He sighed.

Aro nodded at his words, his mind thinking. "And how was that...experience?"

Edward lifted his hand from my knee and began to nervously rub them together as his brows furrowed forward. "She...she..." He scrunched up his eyes, cursing below his breath. "She was flirting. She was looking for attention, trying to get a rise out of me by stripping off to her underwear." He sighed and rubbed his face as my dads face turned red.

"This is good." Aro quickly told my father. "This type of behaviour is often seen after such trauma. We know what we are dealing with here."

My dad looked appalled and I hated myself. I wanted to hide. I wanted the world to open up and let me disappear into its fiery centre.

"What happened then, Edward?" he pushed.

"Nothing. I...I...I didn't look or anything like that. I had given her clothes to change into because she was cold and not really wearing much. She dressed and eventually after we talked she went to sleep in my bed and I slept on the couch. That was it. Innocent." Edward was rushing his words out, panic laced his voice, as if he was being accused of something.

"Edward, calm. I'm only asking a few questions. We are all here to help, Bella. Nothing is going to try and be twisted to incriminate you." Aro told him carefully.

Edward inhaled deeply, nodding at his words as his eyes looked out into the distance, out the window.

"Did she have any nightmares when she stayed?" Aro asked Edward.

Edwards eyes came back to me and he nodded, silently telling Aro, yes. "I woke up when I heard her screaming. I rushed to her, to check that she was okay...she was a mess." his tone seemed so flat and tired and I wondered if that's how I made Edward feel.

"What happened then?" Aro pushed.

"I put on the radio to try and distract her. I hugged her, trying to give her some comfort and we fell asleep. That was it..." Edward shrugged.

I didn't know what to think. It was the truth but it was out in the open to my dad and some stranger. I felt like a part of me and Edwards world had been torn away.

"That was it..?" Aro asked amused, knowing fine well, that wasn't it. Aro wanted to know everything.

Edward only shrugged his shoulders, not knowing what else to say.

"Would it be fair to assume that you and Bella are having some sort of relationship now?" Aro asked carefully. "That other things happened and you became more...closer." Aro picked his choice of word carefully in front of Charlie but I was sure he would push further.

"I care for Edward. He's been a very good friend." I whispered out.

"Friend?" Edwards gaze turned to me sharply, his tone incredulous.

Aro sat quietly watching between the two of us.

"I forgot..._that's what you do with all your friends_." Edward dug at me with his sarcastic tone. I knew what he was talking about, me being with Jake. I just didn't understand his sudden change of tone and why he seemed mad. It was him that had spoke of not giving it a label so I guessed friends was a fair assumption.

Aro jumped in. "Okay, what happened?" he seemed confused a little.

"We slept together." I admitted in a mumble, my face turning scarlet.

Edward stood up, his chair flying backwards. "We made love." Edward practically shouted at Aro. "I know it shouldn't have happened, but it did. I thought it meant something. But obviously we're all just the same to, Bella." he looked down at me, his eyes narrowed.

"No!" I shouted up to Edward. He was wrong. He meant something. He meant something to me.

Edward rushed out the door, the slam from the frame echoing around the room.

We all just sat there, completely perplexed at what had just happened.

Aro rose his brows in surprise. "Maybe you two need to talk a little more about what's going on between the two of you. But how do you see Edward? He seemed hurt that you referred to him as a friend."

"He told both of us, he loves her," Charlie told him. "but she even tried to use the fact that they had...been together, to try and come in between me and him, too. She knew I wouldn't like it, and I don't. But she manipulates people and I wasn't going to let her change my mind of him. He's a good boy."

Aro only looked at me as I pulled my eyes away from my father in shock. He said I manipulate people. I suppose did.

"Are you aware of his fondness for you?" Aro pushed gently. I only nodded.

"What is your feelings towards Edward. You have spoken to him about a lot. You must trust him."

"I do. I...I don't want to have this conversation without him..." I told him firmly. Edward was going to get me through this and if there was no Edward, I wasn't speaking.

He had stormed out of here under some misunderstanding and I wasn't letting it be like that.

Aro looked at me blankly, as if he knew I was going to be suborn with out Edward.

He sighed heavily. "Fine." he told me before he pressed a button on his phone. "Victoria, Edward Cullen, the man that would have no doubt just ran past your desk...Can you tell him we would like him to come join us again."

He let go of the button and her voice carried into the room from the machine. "Will do. Give me just a moment."

So we did. Aro sat patiently before Edward once again walked back into the room and taking the seat he had sat in. He didn't look at me or any of the others and I felt stupid that I needed him with me when it was quite obvious he didn't want to be here.

"Sorry...about leaving..." He whispered out to the room.

Aro frowned at him. "Did something upset you, Edward? We need to keep the lines of communication open, so it would be wise if you set your self up as an example of that just now." His tone was sharp and curt and Edwards head snapped to him, glaring at him.

"I know this game, okay, Aro. I know what I need to do." He snapped back at him. "But this...this is my feelings. Not Bella's."

"But they do concern Bella. You don't want her leaving here thinking she upset you..." He trailed off, taunting Edwards a little to spill the truth.

"I...I just thought I meant more..." He huffed with a sigh. He did mean more.

"You do. It was you who told me not to put a label on it." I argued back. It had been Edward who had been to afraid to truly admit what was going on. I wasn't being blamed for following his orders.

"I love you." He old me in a whisper with out any doubt or hesitation.

"I love you, too." The desperation drowned my tone, pleading for him to see what he truly meant to me.

But that was it, we had both admitted our feeling to one another, in the presence of others and it frightened me somewhat. But I did love him.

"You love each other, you have been intimate...Sounds like a relationship to me..." Aro concluded.

"It's not." I jumped in a little to quickly. I loved Edward, but Rosalie's words were in my head. I had to let go of him before I broke his heart. He was already too involved it was clear. But I still felt compelled to have him next to me. I couldn't make him leave this room. I didn't want him to leave this room. He needed to walk me through it.

"I mean, I just want to get my self sorted first. Before I think about what we really are. I just like how we have been. Can't the rest wait?"

Edward gave a small understanding smile as he nodded his head. Trust him to be so forgiving and understanding. It only made me feel worse.

"I think it would be something to come back to another time. Right now I need to know more about your behaviour. And I need you all to be honest." he eyed us all, silently making up promise to tell the truth.

"She drinks. She pops pills and she is just generally reckless." My father told him sharply.

All air left me as I looked up at him from his small rant.

"When you say pops pills..?" Aro asked carefully.

"Tried to kill herself." He told him pointedly.

"No I never." I jumped into he conversation. "I never tired to kill myself. I knew that was the risk, but it was never my intentions. I just wanted an escape."

Aro nodded at my words, writing down something on his pad of paper.

"If it wasn't for Edward, she would be dead." Charlie's tone was loud, but he wasn't angry. He was trying to make his point.

"Okay. This is good." Aro promised. "This is all making sense to me, Bella. I know that they don't understand it, but I do. This is the way you cope."

He looked between Edward and Charlie. "Sexual aggression and a dependency on alcohol are effects of the stress her body is going through." He looked at me. "I think what you have is a sever case of Post traumatic stress disorder. You're behaviour seems to emulate it."

"She has post-traumatic stress disorder?" Edward asked not quite believing.

"I'm not going to yes or no, Edward. All I am saying is she possesses the qualities of someone that has a very bad case of it. And to be honest, it's not surprising..."

Edward shook his head and looked away.

"Bella, I'm going to prescribe you Propranolol. Its a-"

"A Beta-blocker?" Edward jumped in, instantly.

Aro sighed and looked at him, expectingly.

"You are giving her heart medication?" Edward asked with annoyance.

"Edward, though I do know that some day you will be a great doctor. The truth of the matter is that you are only starting out. Propranolol is also used to treat sleep disturbances. If Bella is able to rest peacefully while we work through her issues, perhaps she will be able to stop the medication in time and function without the use of any prescribed drugs or alcohol." He told him sharply. "Though there may be a need for some form of anti-depressants, right now I want to see how she copes generally. I'm the doctor here, not you."

Edward slouched into his seat at being shot down.

I was amazed though. I was so positive that the moment I stepped into the centre, I would have been drugged up to the eyeballs and struggled to tell what year it was, let alone wad day.

Aro began once again. "Bella, its more commonly used to slow down heart rates in patients, but with your levels of anxiety that you show, it wont harm you. It should be enough to ease the adrenalin in you system, that you are able to sleep soundly."

I nodded at his words, understanding for the most of it.

"We will talk more about your issues tomorrow. I think I have gathered enough information today to know where you stand on your difficulties and the cause of them." He smiled at me, easing me a little.

"We will all talk again." he looked towards Charlie and Edward " Tomorrow, possibly. I know that you are staying close to here and your in put is essential to helping Bella recover."

He looked at me carefully. "Like I said Bella, talking thought your issues is our primary concern, without open communication, things wont get better. I know at times you wont want to talk, and I'm somewhat accepting of that, but remember, if you don't, if you refuse, your stay here will only increase." I didn't know if it was a threat or not, but I understood his logic. I nodded again.

"Very well. You will be sharing a room with another patient, a girl the same age as you. Like I say, talking through our issues is our priority and I know that patients often find a bond in similar situations. If you feel comfortable talking to her, I suggest you do. She is a sweet girl and likes to talk, but she likes to listen as well."

I nodded again, apprehension peaking in my gut. I felt Edwards hand on mine and I relaxed instantly as his concerned touch.

* * *

"I'm scared." I panted out my words as I held on tight to the side of Edward's t-shirt.

His arms were wrapped around me and I was in my new room that I would stay in. But all I wanted right now was to go back to Forks and hide away in Edwards bed, beside him.7

"Don't be. You did good in there. Aro will take care of you. He is one of the best." His warm lips pressed against my temple and I let go of his fisted t-shirt and wrapped my arms around his waist.

He pulled away with doubt written all over his face and it scared me. Did he not believe his own words?

"Earlier...did you mean what you said? That we're friends?" I nodded to him feeling slightly confused.

"We're not more than that?" He asked, the worry lacing his tone.

"We are..." I looked down to where my hands rested on his sides. I never did this to anyone else. Not even Jake, but maybe Alice...but she was different. Jake only ever really got to touch me if we were having sex. "I...I didn't know what to call it. I never meant to upset you."

he laughed dryly. "Don't worry about me. I'm just tired from lack of sleep and I over reacted. But I think of you as more than just a friend. " I nodded because I knew he did.

"I know...In that room things just seemed tense and I didn't want them to trip us up over it." I admitted in a part lie.

"I know, but they wont. You need to tell Aro the truth. He knows we made love, there is no point in lying." He shrugged. I was dying to hear those words from his mouth again. - made love. I knew he loved me, he told me. But to make love to me...it seemed so foreign.

Jake loved me, but I don't think you could class our sex as "making love".

I loved Edward and I would let him help me get through this, because I knew if I didn't, I wouldn't. I couldn't manage without him. He was my strength. But I knew at the end I would have to let him go, becsue that was what was right, that was what was fair. Rosalie's words continued to haunt me, that I would break his heart.

They say if you love them, then set them free. That was what I would be doing with Edward. It was what was best for him. He deserved that.

I shook the thoughts out of my head and just enjoyed the fact that his hands were on me. "I know. I just...I didn't want to make things more complicated. We can work on us when I'm better." I lied with such a deceiving smile that led him to believe it was true.

He only kissed my cheek in response.

"Bella," Aro's voice called on me as he walked into the room. "I have your medication." He passed me a small plastic dish with a glass of water. "Lets see if this can exorcise some of those daemons." he smiled at me.

"Like Cyriacus." I smiled at him and laughed when his brows bunched together in confusion. He was a clever man but I liked how that I was still able to confuse him.

"Who?" He asked in confusion.

"Saint or god?" Edward asked me with a small laugh, him automatically on my page.

"Saint." I smiled as I knocked pack the small pill.

""Bella...She has a things for Saints. She's pretty good." Edward mused as he placed a hand no my far shoulder and pulling me into him before a soft kiss to the side of the head.

Charlie coughed in annoyance at our contact as he stood off to the side. Edward dropped his hand instantly at his reaction.

"Interesting..." Aro summed up. "Do you know any more?"

I shrugged.

"Of course she does." Edward proudly proclaimed. "She is like a genius." He laughed in amusement.

I rolled my eyes at him. And began to explain. "Saint Cyriacus is one of the fourteen holy helpers. He exercises demons."

"I didn't even know there were fourteen holy helpers. Never mind him." Aro laughed a little.

A moment later a girl about my build came walking through the room before jumping onto the other bed.

Her hair was tied up in a tight bun and her eyes were wide and almost a little crazy looking, or surprised. She was quite pretty.

She smiled wildly at us before talking. "Hi. I'm Jane."

* * *

_**a/n; Please Review**_

_**ohh I have the makings of a new story in my head! I cant quite believe it – but I will keep processing the thoughts and work on it once this is complete. - I just had to tell someone!**_


	23. And Help Me Understand

**And Help Me Understand**

**EPOV**

Standing at the door to Bella's rehab room, she laughed along with the blonde. The two were lying on there fronts on Jane's bed, looking through something.

Next thing I heard was Bella howl with laughter. It was good to hear. It was actually pretty amazing to her.

"I can't believe you all dressed up like that and just pretended to be normal." She told Jane, clearly amused.

"You just got to have some fun." She shrugged back in reply.

I knocked on the door, alerting them to me standing here.

The both turned around sharply but as Jane nodded and turned back to whatever she was looking at, Bella jumped to her feet, making her way to me.

She hesitated on her feet a little, so I pulled on her waist, bringing her closer to me and kissing her firmly on the lips. She pulled away almost instantly, glancing across to a distracted Jane.

I was a little surprised she was being so reserved, but maybe she knew it would make her uncomfortable, so I gave her it. I let my hands drop to my sides and tried my hardest to show that I didn't mind, even thought the only thought I had thought the night before, was to hold Bella like I had held her in the car on the way here, yesterday.

"Want to go a walk?" I nodded up the hall, hopeful that we could have some time alone.

She nodded with a tight smile as I reached for her hand. "Where's Charlie?" She asked as she looked up and down the hallway.

"He's filling out your paper work since he never got it all done yesterday." We began to wander up the hall, "We have ten minutes then we are all going into talk to Aro."

She only nodded at my words. She seemed a little...distant.

"How did you sleep last night?" I had been worried as hell but I had prayed that the medication worked for her.

She swayed her head. "It helped...but the nightmares still happened." She looked a little upset. "Aro said that perhaps an increase in the dose will help it. I did sleep, just...they were still a little disturbed. Its freaky having to take pills to stop you from dreaming..." She mused to herself.

"It's not. Not when you need a break from them." I promised.

"How was your session with Aro?" She was scheduled to see him herself this morning.

"Fine." It was all she gave. I looked at her, wanting more from her.

She looked back up at me. "It was. Nothing major." she told me flatly. She seemed a little cold with me. It was odd. Had Aro said something to her to annoy her? Had I?

"What about Jane? How is she?" I tired to keep the conversation going. It was running flat. She didn't seem to want to talk to me.

"Fine. She's been here for two weeks. She harms herself too. She pulls out her hair." She shrugged so nonchalantly.

I was a little freaked out by this one and it must have been written across my face. "Don't give that look Edward. It's serious. That's why she keeps her hair tied back."

I only nodded, not entirely too sure of where to go from that one.

The air between us fell silent and I was sure there had been a change. I just didn't know what.

"I heard the two of you laughing." I stated in the hope of getting some kind of response.

"She was showing me pictures of back home, with her friends and her mum and that..." My gut clenched at that. Of course she wasn't going to be ecstatic – she was digging up all her past and all the hell she had went through. I could have strangled myself from my own insensitivity.

"I don't have pictures." She told me out of no where. "I mean, I have some with my mum and dad and Phil and the rest of my family from when I was younger. But I don't have ones of my friends." She shrugged, her face so heartbreakingly sad. "Maybe Jake has some...maybe Alice, too..."

"I'm sure some of your old friends have some." I told her with a nudge into the side, sure of myself that her other friends had pictures.

She shook her head. "I...I had a few friends in Florida...but not any _real_ friends. Alice and Jake are my only friends. But I suppose that doesn't count either." Her tone only seemed to fall as she spoke and I was growing worried that she was tearing her self apart. Could Alice and Jake be the only two friends she had? I knew that was what she was saying, but was it true?

"How do they not count?" I asked confused.

She sighed as she waved her hand. "Jake isn't talking to me after you two fought and Alice...well she lives in Seattle now. And I don't think we have any pictures." She let out with another sad sigh.

I was actually hating this conversation.

"It's only pictures..." I tried to reassure her.

She snapped at me. "No, its not. Its life, what you did and who with...I have no one and no one wants to do anything with me." Her eyes welled up with unshed tears and I wanted to make her past different, but I couldn't. I couldn't magically produce pictures and I couldn't change her whole damn shit life either.

She was an amazing person and the fact that no one else had bothered to get to know her...I just couldn't understand it.

"Hey," I tugged on her arm pulling her into an empty side room. "I don't want to hear you talking like that. People are missing out on you. I don't know why...but if you could only know the things I want to do with you." She rolled her eyes at that one.

"Don't, Bella. I never meant that." I knew she thought I was only meaning to sleep with her. It couldn't have been further from the truth. "I love you...I need you to get better so we can get on with those things...that life you want. We can take all the pictures in the world if that's what you want."

Her lips pouted at my words so I reached down, kissing her.

She pulled away from me, again.

"Maybe we're not meant to take pictures together, maybe this was your job. To get me here. You've done that..." Her eyes dropped to the floor at the same time my stomach did.

_Was she being serious? Was she trying to tell me that this was all over with?_

I reached up for her face, to make her look at me, but before I could, she drew away from my hand, rushing past me and out the door.

_Was this over?_

I quickly followed after her, hot on her heals. _"Bella."_ I called in a semi hushed panic. She couldn't just walk away from me. Not like that. _"Bella."_ I called on her again, but she was too quick for her own good and before I knew it she was standing in front of her father and Aro.

"Ahh, you're both here, now. Come along." Aro told as he started towards his office.

"NO." Bella shouted out, startling Aro and causing him to look back.

"I mean, just me. Edward is leaving. He has something to do." My heart rate increased and I felt hot with panic. She wasn't doing this to me. Not like this. She couldn't. She told me she loved me.

"Bella..." Her name croaked out my mouth. It was practically inaudible.

Aro looked suspiciously towards both of us.

"Has something happened?" He asked.

Bella shook her head. "No, something important came up. He needs to go. He's sorry. It's complicated."

I didn't know if it was just part of her lie or if she was trying to apologize to me without the others knowing.

I wasn't letting her get away with it. "She's lying. Bella, what's going on?"

She looked up to Aro in panic. "He doesn't need to come in, right?"

Aro narrowed his eyes suspiciously towards her. "Bella..." he warned. She shook her head, furiously. "It needs to come out."

"What does?" "What?" Charlie and I snapped at the same time.

"You can't make me."She growled at Aro.

"Are you refusing to talk today?" She nodded silently, telling him yes.

"Very well, then. You can go back to your room." He told her so bloody casually. He was just letting her get away with it. He couldn't just give her an out like that.

"Charlie, if you would like to still join me for our discussion on Bella's appointment from this morning...maybe you would care to invite Edward,too."

He rose a brow at Bella, telling her that what ever she was trying to cover up, was still going to come out. She had no control. She had no rights. Charlie needed to know and if he decided to invite me in with him, Bella couldn't do anything to stop it.

"Please..." she begged him in a whisper.

"It's your choice, Bella. You can explain to them, or I will."

Those unshed tears began to make tracks on her face as a sob ripped out from her chest as she dropped her head. She nodded, agreeing.

Aro began to walk forward to his office and she followed. I walked a step behind her wondering what the hell had gone on.

* * *

"Rosalie..." it was only one word, but Aro had put it out there. I frowned in confusion as Bella continued to sob, trying to silence her self. I wanted to go to her, to try and ease her cries.

"Rosalie...as in my sister in law?" I asked confused. Aro nodded.

I was still confused. What did Rosalie have to do with this?

"Bella..?" Aro, tried to get her to talk but she shook her head, refusing.

"Charlie...Edward, it seems that there was some...catalyst for her previous overdose attempt." Aro turned to look at me, and I could feel the panic build in me. Was this my fault? "Charlie had spoken to me yesterday about some concern of someone having words with Bella, causing her to take the pills. And from what I have gathered, it was an altercation at the wedding, regarding Rosalie..." His eyes slowly shifted from me to Bella and my own eyes followed, needing to know the truth.

Bella burst out with a ball of fury. "This is bullshit. You don't get to tell him my stuff. It has nothing to do with any of you." She stood up, no doubt wondering where she could run too, but she couldn't run. She had no where to go.

"This is my life. Not his. Leave him out of it. I want him gone."

"I want him here. "Charlie rushed out. I was completely taken aback that he was letting me stay, despite Bella's protests.

"He stays." Aro shrugged casually. "Bella, it's your father that is in charge. I'm sorry. It's just the way it is."

She looked stunned as her eyes ran from Aro to Charlie and back to Aro's once again.

She never looked at me. Instead she sat down, pulling her chair closer to Charlie. She really did want me gone.

"What was said?" because I really needed to know. I knew that Rosalie had the tendency to be a royal bitch but I also knew Bella and her unstable mind could flip out easily. Was it an over reaction? I needed to know.

The room was quiet and all I looked at was the back of Bella's head.

"Bella, you need to speak." Aro pushed her on. "You need to tell them the truth, what happened. You need to tell the both of them. I'm not blaming you or Rosalie, you just need to tell them the events that led up to you trying to overdose." He was so calm and collected. He must have had nerves of steel. I knew inside I was falling apart and I was sure it was pretty apparent on my face as well.

I got up off of my seat and knelt down at her feet, aching for her to look at me. I reached out to her, placing my hand on her knee but she still wouldn't look at me.

"Bella...what did she say?" I tried to push gently.

Her eyes darted back to Aro and you could see the contempt that they held. She was mad.

"Bella, we have to talk about how those words affected you, how they made you want to try and kill yourself." Aro told her firmly.

"I didn't want to kill myself. I just wanted pain to take away the thoughts in my head. I wanted to be detached. Separate myself... I wanted to be numb."

I couldn't help it. I lashed out. "You want pain. Do it to yourself, fucking safely." I snapped at her. Jumping to my feet I reached out for the jug of iced water, grasping onto the bobbing blocks of ice.

Looks of confusion ran between Bella and Charlies face as I grabbed hold of her wrist and forcing the ice into her palm. "Try that for a god damn distraction." I yelled my words at her, tightening her grip around the ice.

I felt dizzy with fury. How could she not have saw what she could have done to herself?

Charlies hand grabbed at my own wrist, stopping my tight grip from making her hold the ice. My hand backed away and her own hand opened up, dropping the ice to the floor.

I felt my body tremble. I felt like I was going crazy.

Looking back at Bella, she looked scared of me. I couldn't believe I had installed that fear into her, that she was scared of me. Her eyes were wide.

I crumpled to the floor, to her feet. "I'm sorry." the words were only a whisper.

"Perhaps you need to give yourself a moment, Edward." I turned my head to Aro and he nodded towards the door.

"No, I'm fine." I knew I wasn't, but the look that Bella had was bringing me straight down back to reality.

"Rosalie..?" I asked, needing to know the story and trying to get back to where we were from my outburst.

Aro only sighed at me ignoring his words and Bella struggled to look at me. Charlie...he was watching me with deeply concerned eyes and I knew it wasn't me who he was concerned about, it was my actions towards Bella.

"Bella, do you want Edward here for this? I think after his outburst, it really is up to you. Don't you agree, Charlie?" Aro was trying to get her to kick me out now. He knew whatever was going to be said, it wouldn't be received well after that.

Charlie agreed and I knew I was going to be kicked out. She wanted me gone. She hadn't wanted me here in the first place. I had been holding on by the tips of my fingers and I now just let go of any chance to stay.

"I'm sorry, Love." The words were a whisper, still. I gently caressed her knee with my hand as I got up, off of the floor. I wanted to kiss her on the forehead but I knew that it was out of the question now.

Slowly I headed to the door, my hand resting on the handle.

"I...I don't want you to go." her words were rushed out, telling me to stay.

Turning to face the room, the look on Bella's face had changed. It wasn't that frightened look that I had caused, it was the scared look she would carry after being woken from a nightmare, the glazed eyes looking for the touch of someone to hold her.

Charlie looked unimpressed by her decision, but he kept quiet.

"Fine." Aro sighed. "But that's it Bella, you had your chance." He warned her and I felt a small growl trying to escape my chest at his words to her. I wanted to be here, even without her permission, because I now knew that whatever happened was related to Rosalie. But Aro...I didn't like his tone with her.

I made my way back to my seat and as I did, Bella's hand reached out for me. I wanted to speak to her alone. I wanted to tell her that it was all going to be alright and I wanted to get to lie out with her and sleep.

I hated her being in her. I knew the practice of what help she was getting, could help her. But I misses it just being us two, in my apartment and in my bed.

It had only been one day as well.

"Bella..." Aro asked for her to start.

She turned to face me, her hand resting on my knee, just like mine had on hers. She was trying to sooth me. "Rosalie...she had a go at me. But she was right too. Don't blame her because what she said was true."

I saw Aro shake his head at that one, but he still kept quiet. He was letting her speak.

I waited for her to gather her words together but I felt the fear grow in my bones at what Rosalie had said. Aro had said her words had been Bella's catalyst.

"She told me I needed to leave you, that I was to let you be, before I broke your heart." Was this it? Was this the reason she had tried to hurt herself?

"I...I don't want to be without you. But Rosalie was right. She knows I'm a mess and all she was trying to do, was to look out for you." her tone was heartbreaking "Don't be angry at her..." she pleaded.

I looked up towards Aro and then back to Bella.

"So you did that, because she didn't want us to be together." I asked incredulously. Who the hell did Rosalie think she was?

"Bella..." Aro prompted her again and I knew that there was more. There had to be.

"What did she say, Bella. Tell me. I won't get mad, okay." I hoped to god if I did, I could keep it in check.

Bella's eyes dropped and so did her hand. She pulled away from me.

So I reached for her, placing my hand on her arm, gently.

"She told me that I had compromised myself with the..." She began to sob so I squeezed her arm, letting her know I was here for her. "...with the way I have acted. She told me that she had been raped, but I had lay down and asked for it."

My heart stopped at her words. My breathing stopped at her words.

"She what?" I asked a little too firmly. I didn't mean to scare her, but she flinched at my tone.

"That bitch. That's why you did that to yourself?" Charlies tone matched mine and it made me feel better that it wasn't only me who was disgusted with Rosalie's words. "She doesn't know you Bella. She can't judge you. Tell her Aro." Charlies voice grew.

"I have." He replied calmly. "We have been through this at extraordinary lengths. I thought it was important that you both knew, though. Especially since she seems to be compelled to still believe her words."

"She's wrong, Bella." I tried to hide my anger. My teeth clenched at my words. I was down by her side again. "She's wrong. Don't believe it and don't try and pull that shit with me because she said so."

I could understand her actions now. I could see her trying to push me away earlier and now I understood why she was doing it.

"But she's right. You deserve better than me." She argued.

"Then why did you let me stay, just now? You could have got rid of me. You wanted me here."

"I needed you." She sobbed into her hands. "And you...you scared me. You scared me because you got so angry with what I did to myself."

I felt confused at her words.

"What do you mean, Bella? Are you scared of me? Do you want me to go?" I didn't understand but now I knew her reasoning, I would leave if that was what she really wanted. I wanted to stay with her, but if she wanted me gone. I would go. Especially if she was scared of me.

"You got so mad there. I knew you were mad at the hospital with me. But just there...with the ice...you lost control, because I pushed you." Her words were mixed with the tears she shed. "You love me." it was as if it was the great revelation. It was as if she hadn't believed my words before.

"I told you that...Did you not believe me?" I was pained by that thought, that she thought I had just said the words.

"I...I don't know. I thought you cared about me...like Jake does...like Alice does. But none of them look at me like that."

"I'm mad about you, I love you so much...Seeing all this...It's killing me. I wish you didn't have to go through it. But trust me when I say it, I love you and the only way you can break my heart is if you listen to Rosalie. Shit, I know I'm in too deep here. We all fucking know it. But I'm not leaving you and you don't get to leave me either. Not at Rosalie's words at least. If you want me gone, send me away, but only if _you_ really want me gone."

The room was silent and all I could focus on was the doubt's Bella had.

I didn't care of she never loved me. I loved her and that alone would make me stay, even if all I ever was to her, was someone she could cry on.

* * *

Between Bella and Aro – all had been explained.

I was so damn angry at Rosalie. I had no idea how the hell I had kept myself in check. But I knew I had too. In front of Bella at least.

Once I got hold of Rosalie, she was going to wish she had never crossed my path – Ever.

But I was still with Bella, so I had to swallow my rage and concentrate on her and let her know and maker her understand that Rosalie was wrong; because she still thought Rosalie was right.

Through her session with the three of us, she had sobbed her heart out for the most of it. She was exhausted with the tears.

She lay out on her bed, her eyes rested closed but she was still awake. She practically purred below the small strokes I gave to her cheek.

She looked a little more content and a little more at ease. Charlie sat by me, the three of us in total silence.

Jane had came walking into the room with tears of her own, but as soon as her eyes landed on us, she tried with haste to wipe them away.

It was so sad to see. This place was filled with broken people. The only thing that gave me hope, was that they were all trying to get help. I could only think about the thousands of others that was in the same position, but without it.

Jane's parents followed her in, them taking there seats, just like we had. It felt like we were intruding on there privacy, but the general point of having a shared room, was to share with others. It was to try and break down the walls and open up communication.

Bella's eyes fluttered open at the sound of the others and a faint knowing smile passed between the two before she closed her eyes once again.

When I had arrive, the two were laughing, and now they looked like shadows of the girls from this morning.

Suddenly, Charlie began to speak. "So when do you plan on going back home, Edward?"

I didn't want to have to think about leaving her, but I knew I had too. I had a job to get back too. As much as I wanted to stay by Bella's side, I had to leave her.

Bella's eyes opened, looking straight into mine. She was waiting for me to answer.

I sighed. "I'll need to leave tomorrow night." I hoped that some time apart would help build her own self confidence a little too. I knew she had depended on me too much and this could be one of the worst things to do to her, but life still had to carry on. If not, I wouldn't have a job and my intern-ship would be up in smoke.

She never spoke. She only closed her eyes again.

I knew that Bella would be spending less time with us soon enough. Aro had already decided. He didn't want us around her constantly. She needed to find her own legs through this.

Charlie silently got up, leaving us alone. I had no idea where he went, other than he did.

"Are you okay with that?" I asked carefully, knowing I never really had any choice in the matter.

She kept her eyes closed, but gave out a small shrug, as if she couldn't care less. But I knew she did.

"You can call me. And I will be back tomorrow and see you before I go back to Forks." I promised to her.

"You get on with Jane..." I whispered to her, knowing she had her to confide in.

She nodded at that one. But she still never spoke. "You will have your medication fixed. It should stop the nightmares tonight." I really hoped that they would stop, that it would help her. Let her rest.

She let out a little laugh and opened her eyes to me. "I think your panicking more than me." Her smile was small but she was trying, she was trying to ease me. It was ridiculous.

I laughed back at her words. "I just don't want you to worry. Its been a hard couple of days, but you are getting through them."

"Why did you try to make me hold the ice?" She asked, her features looking confused.

I shrugged, feeling embarrassed at my actions. "It's a method used to help people who self-injure. Pain without doing any damage. All it is, is frozen water."

"I didn't mean that pain. I just wanted a...a blank for a little while. I little bit rest." her words whispered along her pillow, her voice a sweet caress to the ears, despite her darker words.

"I know. I over reacted. In case you haven't noticed, I have a tendency to do it quite often." We both let out little laughs at my words knowing I was right.

"But Rosalie...you won't be too mad with her, will you?" Her eyes looked up at me and she wanted me to tell her that I wouldn't say anything to her, that I was going to let it go. But I couldn't and I wasn't lying to her.

"I will be speaking to her. She had no right to say that too you. She was cruel and vindictive and took serious advantage of your emotions." I kept my voice soft so not to worry her but inside my blood was boiling at the thought._ Christ, I was a good actor._

"Please, no. She didn't realize." Her words a small panic for Rosalie. I struggled to even comprehend Bella wanting to let her get away with it. She Should have been mad and wanted her to pay. But she didn't, all she wanted was to move on from the matter and give Rosalie the benefit of the doubt that her concern was about me and not an attack on her. Even though it was.

"Look at you. You are so much the bigger person here, Bella. You are passing no blame on to her, when you know it was her words that sent you spiralling. I could have lost you."

"But you never. You need to move on. I'm still here. Don't hold resentment towards the people you love. Don't hold resentment at all." Her eyes glazed over and the light from the window bounced off of the brown. "I was so angry towards my mum. She wouldn't listen to me and I was right..." I reached for her hand, grasping hold of it, tight. "I never argued with her in the car. I just went. But for a long time I hated that she didn't believe me and she was gone because of it." Tears spilled down her cheeks and I reached with my other hand and wiped gently at her pale skin.

"Just don't carry the resentment around like I did. It's not good for anyone. She cares about you. She was concerned..." Maybe she was, but she still had no right to talk to Bella like she had. That was out of line.

I sighed, because I wasn't agreeing or disagreeing with her. Rosalie had been wrong. I knew that. Charlie knew that. Aro knew that. Soon enough, everyone would know it.

* * *

_**Please Review! - let me know what you think - reviews are low and I would love some feedback!**_


	24. I say It's Alright

**I Say; It's Alright**

**BPOV**

Throwing myself into the back of the chair, I looked up to the celling, focusing on the swirls of the artex.

"So how did you sleep last night, Bella?" Aro's voice called to me and I immediately focused my gaze on his.

This was our one on one time, and after him getting out an astounding amount of information from me yesterday and proceeding to tell Charlie and Edwards about it, I was...confused.

On one hand I felt a load lighter after we had discussed things, after I told them about Rosalie's words. But on the other hand I was worried about the pain it would cause to get to that point once again.

"Great." I told him truthfully about my sleep. "The medication seemed to work this time. No nightmares." I felt brand new and I had slept all by myself. I never needed another's arms and I didn't need Edward.

I still loved him. I only felt that now I was able to cope better alone.

Aro smiled at me. "So you are happy?"

Of course I was. "Yep." I popped my P, feeling ecstatic over climbing that hurdle.

"Good. I'm glad its working. Let me know if it ever stops. It shouldn't, but perhaps pressures of these sessions could cause your anxiety to increase. In time it should lower as you work through your issues, but starting off, you might find you struggle with what we may talk about."

I only nodded with a wide smile, positive that nothing was going to bring back the dreams.

"Okay, so today I want to talk about the future..." He eyed me, waiting for a response.

"Isn't this about my past though?" I asked a little confused.

"It is. But your past affects your future and I need to know what you want from life so we can begin to focus on getting to the things that you really want out of it."

I suppose it made sense.

I shrugged. "I've never really thought about it. I just assumed I would keep working at the outdoor shop."

Aro squiggled on his page as he nodded. "Is that what you like to do?"

I nodded and so did he.

But I didn't really like my work, I put up with it because that was life.

"What were you're plans when you were in Florida? I'm sure you never planned on working at the outdoor shop in Forks when you lived in Jacksonville."

He was right. I had never dreamed of going back to Forks, unless to perhaps visit my dad. But even then, we usually met half way. I hadn't been to Forks in years until I went back to live with Charlie.

"Well...I planned on going to college like everyone else. But things change."

"They do." Aro agreed. "But was that a change you wanted?"

I shook my head. I still wanted to go to college, but my grades were too low after a let my school work slide.

"What _do_ you want?" Aro pushed.

"Too go to college. I know I can't...but it would be kinda cool, you know. It would have been good to go with Alice."

"Alice was a change that you liked? I mean obviously after the loss of your mother, I'm sure you would have wanted her back if you could...But Alice was a positive that came from all the changes..?"

I laughed a little. He was right. "I...I don't know what life would have been like without her. Maybe she would have be better off. I did almost kill her." I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity all those months ago.

"And there was a change for Alice then, too. A positive one. Not that she lost you, but that she concentrated on her work and got into college."

I frowned. "I..I suppose."

"See, Bella, with everything, even the bad, there can be good. After your little "run in"-" he even used air quotes "-with Edward, you got Alice back. And a very good confidant in Edward."

I blew out a puff of air. He was right. Things seemed to go around in strange ways, but in the end I got Edward and Alice...and Jake, despite still not hearing from him.

"These are all things that came about by chance. Like your move back to Forks. But going to college would have been a deliberate change. What other deliberate changes would you like?" he smiled warmly at me and for once I was certain I was going to get through this without tears.

"I suppose I just want to be like everyone else. Grow up, maybe get married and have kids. A good job and nice house." It was such a tired answer to him, I was sure, but it was the truth.

"There is nothing wrong with wanting those things. What kind of job do you want?" he asked intently.

"I wanted to be a teacher..." I felt myself blush. As if a girl like me could ever become a teacher

now. Who would ever trust me with kids or teenagers?

"That's a good job. You must be incredibly patient. What would you like to teach?" he only waited for me to continue. His gentle questions prodding me along to thoughts I hadn't thought about in so long.

"I thought maybe English...or religion." He smiled at that one.

"Did your interest in saints and gods pull you towards religion?"

"Yes. I'm not really religious...I mean I have beliefs...but last time I was in a church was for Emmett's wedding and the time before that..." Trying to thing about the last time I was in a church, I remembered.

"I was in Houston. A load of survivors ate by a church hall and I went into...pray." I shyly admitted. I remembered the day so clear. I had never felt so alone. I thought I would become mixed up with all the rubble after New Orleans, that no one would notice me and that Charlie would forget about me. But he never. He hunted me down until I was securely in his arms in Houston.

I remembered not letting go of him for hours. All I had done was cling to his side. Even in the drive back to Forks I had watched him, wondering if he would die in the car, just like my mum and Phil had.

I wondered how we had got to where we were now. He surly must have been ashamed with how I had changed. He knew the things I had done, but he was still there. Truthfully, I hadn't actually thought about all the things my dad had done for me, not until right now. Even when I gave him no reason to trust me, he kept trying to keep his faith in me, letting me live as I wanted, despite him holding my legal rights in his hands.

We were talking about my future and I kept going back to the past.

"How do you do it?" I asked a little aggravated.

"What?" He asked confused.

"You just made a whole other bucket of thoughts come to the light...thoughts I had forgot about."

He smiled at me and laughed a little. "That's why I get paid the big bucks." He winked.

I laughed at his words.

"I'm glad that its causing other thoughts to float to the top. Can I ask what they are?" He asked softly.

"Charlie... He's been so good to me...and I've been the daughter from hell..." He must have been ready to break with me.

"You had a hard experience. Your behaviour is normal and your father loves you very much. More than you probably even realize. He worries for you. He worries for your sudden relationship with Edward, too."

I looked at Aro in surprise. "Does he not like him?" I asked worried.

"You're father likes him a lot. You're dad know what Edward has brought to your life since he arrived. He's only concerned that you two are becoming too heavily involved too quick, and while you are still very fragile."

"He doesn't want me to see him?" I guessed.

"No. It's not that, Bella. It's not only your father that is concerned, I am, too. Also for Edward...He is very keen on you and it could be a worry that you both become too dependant on one another."

"I don't need him." I told him sharply. "I slept alone just fine, last night." I was still more than proud of that fact.

"And that is great. But you will be spending time apart and I will be watching at how you cope. It's one thing to be in love but its quite another to be dependant." Aro's words seeped into my mind as I thought about only having Charlie near me.

* * *

Lying out on my bed, Edward knocked on my door. I was alone as Jane was seeing Aro at present.

I smiled up at him instantly and as I saw my dad behind him, I smiled up at him too. I jumped off of my bed, skipping past Edward and hugging my dad, truly appreciating this man and all that he had put up with, from me.

He looked surprised at my affection and even blushed as I kissed his cheek. I never said anything. I didn't need to. He was my dad.

Shifting to Edward I wrapped my arm around his waist as I pecked him quickly on the lips. Not wanting to make either my dad or Edward uncomfortable.

"Afternoon, Love." Edwards smile beamed down on me and it made me feel good. I love it. But I worried a little about if I needed it.

I felt a small tap against my leg and realized that Edward held a gift bag in his hand. Looking down at it, I returned my gaze to Edward, silently questioning him to its contents. Had he bought me a present?

I felt worried in case he had felt guilty at having to return home and that this was him trying to make it up to me. He did like to buy things for me. Nothing with expensive price tags, but nothing I needed either.

"Oh, the bag." He lifted it up in front of me, offering it. "I got you a little something...Something to start that life you want, with."

I felt confused by his words, so I accepted the bag and pulled out a box. It was a digital camera. "So you can take all the pictures you want..." He smiled wildly at me, amused.

_Now all I needed was friends to take pictures of._

As if he had read my mind, he began again. "I know that you miss your friends..." I rolled my eyes at that one, Edward knowing exactly the little number of friends I had. _Alice and Jake_. "So I brought someone along to take pictures with." His head turned toward the door as he called out "Alice."

My eyes widened in pure shock that she was here and when she floated through my door I rushed instantly to her arms.

"Jude." I exclaimed her pet name as I kissed her cheek. I was holding on for dear life to her but I was just so happy to see her.

She squealed too, pulling me further and further into her as she swung me from side to side in our tight hug, the hug she always gave to me.

Her voice turned sharp as she pulled away. "I can't believe that you thought we never had any pictures of us together. I have a ton of them." She gleefully smiled at me as she waved up a photo album in font of me. _Of course this was Alice._ How could she not have pictures of us.

Tugging on my arm, she pulled me down to my bed, instantly settling the photo album on our knees so that we could look through it together.

"You two, you can go." She jokingly waved the pair of them with the back of her hand. "Edward was my way in. But I don't need him cramping my style." She winked at me with a playful nudge to the ribs as Edward only rolled his eyes at her.

"Come on, Charlie. Lets get a coffee. The two of them together are painful to listen too." Edward joked back with a sly grin.

"You're telling me about it. I thought Alice had moved in permanently, last year." Charles words only a sarcastic mumble, but with his words the two of them left us too it.

I did feel a little bad at Edward having to leave tonight and that I was spending time with Alice, but it really was great to spend time with her too.

Alice kicked off her little ballet pumps and tucked her feet below her as we got comfortable, flicking through the photo album.

There were ones that I did look genuinely happy in, but there were others that showed the real me, the me with the dead mum and who had walked through hell. Something stuck in my eyes and even thought Alice had her ever present beaming smile in the photo, I looked like a ghost. I was white with the darkest of eyes. I didn't look healthy at all. I knew it wasn't only thought lack of sleep, but also the amount of alcohol I consumed as well.

Alice tried to change the page, to move on, but my hand held the page down and Alice knew instinctively what I was looking at. She could see it too.

"Did I always look so ill?" That's what I looked like, ill. Like I should have been in hospital or something.

She nodded. "You did look good sometimes," her finger waving over a photo of me with a genuine smile on my face and Emmett's arms wrapped around my waist. I was being held mid air and you could tell I was laughing hard at Emmett and his playful antics. "But you didn't look good a lot of the time, Bella." Her pout twisted to the side as if she was trying to hold in the truth or wishing that she could have taken back her honesty. But this was Alice. She usually was honest, but she just wouldn't tell you how shit you actually looked if it was only going to bring you down more at the time.

"Look at you now though." her hand weaved through my hair, which looked a lot better than it did in the photos. "You were always beautiful, Bella. You just needed to stop the bad habits and get some rest. Get some help."

Had I looked so extreme when I had met Edward? Did he think of me as ugly because of how I looked back then? He called me beautiful now, but had he always thought that?

I still never spoke. Too stunned to try.

"Bella, its not about how you looked. Look past the dark circles and see the real smile you had on your face." She sighed. "Edward told me that you think that you only have me and Jake as a friend, but you have Emmett too. Look at all the mad times we had together." She flicked thought the album. More and more pictures of the three of us. Me, Alice and Emmett. There was even the odd ones with Esme and Carlisle.

I felt a little guilty at not thinking of Emmett as a friend too, but with Rosalie's general attitude towards me, I always tried to keep myself back from him, so not to up set her and not to cause any undue tension between the couple.

I swallowed hard and felt the guilt in my gut.

Edward was mad with Rosalie – there was no doubt about it, but would I cause Emmett to be upset with her too? He had always defended me to her. I didn't want to be the reason of any fall out after they just got married.

"Did...did Edward tell you anything else?" I asked carefully.

"Rose?" She bit her name out firmly. "That cow will be getting it from me. I mean what a fucking bitch..." She hissed her words out in anger. "I'm going home when they get back from there honeymoon and I plan on bitch slapping some manners into that girl."

"Alice..." my voice begged for her not to be so brutal, with her words or actions. Though I knew she never would actually hit Rosalie.

"No, Bella. She had no right. Edward is fuming and I don't blame him. So am I." she shouted her last sentence. "Emmett wont be pleased either..." She told me as an after thought.

"You can't tell him. Don't let Edward go after her either, please. It was an argument-"

"An argument?" She jumped in. "An argument is when two people verbally disagree over something. "She...she..." she looked for her words with a struggle. "She bullied you, Bella. She tore at a weak spot and she went after you. I don't care what her thoughts of you and Edward are, because she doesn't know you. I do. I encouraged the two of you to become friends and if she thinks she can just walk in and mess with me...she has another thing coming."

I panicked for Rosalie. Alice was hell when she was mad. She never often directed it and in times in life she was weak, but after being without me, she had strengthened and she was a force to reconcile with. I didn't need to witness it, it oozed out of her pours.

"Edward thinks she's pregnant." I let out in some hope of her being nicer toward her.

"I know she is. I know these things. It doesn't mean she gets to be an hormonal cow towards you."

"Well...well maybe that's all it was. Maybe she was a little hormonal. You can't blame her for that." I argued.

"Oh piss off, Bella." She told me sharply but it wasn't really a go at me, it was her simply telling her to stop trying to bullshit her. "That is no excuse." She sighed. "Anyway. You're not a friend. You're family. Family don't do that."

Emmett and Alice had both always referred to me as a sister. Though Edward never.

"And once you marry Edward. It will be official." She sang out.

I choked on my own air at her words. _Was she crazy?_

Okay, me and Edward had some kind of relationship going on...But marriage? _Was she mental?_

She only smiled slyly at me on that one. "And then you're gonna have bundles of photos form you wedding..." her eyes were wide, clearly trying to get a rise out of me.

I ignored her and got back to the photos and looking at the genuine smile on my face that I did actually have in most of the photographs.

* * *

Alice was gone.

She had to leave to get to her afternoon lectures. But not before we managed to cause chaos running through the halls and snapping photographs of us in every kind of pose.

We even got yelled at as we crashed through Aro's room by accident, making a tearful Jane, smile across at us before we quickly disappeared back out of the door.

We hadn't meant to interrupt but we had fell through the door as we snapped out photos below the name plate on his door.

It was good to laugh again and looking at the pictures on the screen of the camera, you could see the genuine smile on my face – and I looked healthy at the same time.

There were shots of Edward and Charlie too. Ones of all four of us and even some with Jane. She was quick to get in on the fun after we had disturbed her session.

I had my session with Aro, Edward and Charlie and we all spoke about my future for the first time.

College was an option. I had to go back and study and do out of school tests. But if I was smart enough to pass, I could still get in. And apparently my messed up background was seen as a positive in my strength and determination in life...well something along those lines. I was confused, but all I knew was that I could still become that teacher some day. It was another positive.

It felt like all these good things had came crashing down into my knee and it was my own self-obsession that stopped me from actually seeing what was out in the world for me.

_If only I had asked for help sooner..._

Charlie spoke to Aro and Edward once again entered my room.

He was heading home soon and I knew that it was going to be hard to be here without the person that had got me here in the first place, but I was determined.

Jane had gone off to talk to some of the other girls, leaving me alone but knowing that Edward would be back to speak to me soon.

She told me she would rather listen to Bree talk about burning herself that to witness another kiss between Edward and me. _All in good humour though_.

He shyly walked in before taking a seat on the edge of my bed. Slowly he stretched himself out along beside me and I felt his warm body against mine, taking the camera out of my hand before snapping a picture of me.

I was caught a little off guard, not expecting him to actually take the photograph.

"I wasn't ready." I complained.

"You looked beautiful." he told me sweetly before he kissed my forehead.

Opening the bottom if the camera, it died. The power cut from it. He then proceeded to remove the memory card and I felt panic build in me. Was I not allowed to look at the pictures?

He obviously saw my worry. "Relax." he told me confidently as he replaced it with another. "It was almost full so I will take this home with me and get them printed out and send them down. I just wanted a picture of you so I could see you."

I smiled shyly at his sweet words. "But now I don't get to see you..." I argued as he placed the filled card in a protective box.

"That's easy." he told me as he clicked the cameras bottom closed, brining it back to life once again.

Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, he pulled me into his chest a little and pointing the camera above us. "Smile..." his word whispered into my ear as I did as instructed.

Flipping the camera around, I smiled at how gorgeous he was in the photo.

How the hell did I manage to have him? How did I get so lucky that he found me?

Was this my reward for still living? For still breathing?

I felt my eyes well as I thought about him leaving me. I knew he wasn't actually leaving me, but returning to work.

I wanted him to be with me, to never leave me.

Perhaps this was what Aro had seemed so concerned about. But I loved Edward, of course I would miss him. But I did wonder what was normal and what was borderline dependant.

"Bella, love, don't look like that." He told me as he gently kissed my lips. "I'll be back in a few days." He sighed because he knew the lie he was about to tell. "You won't even notice I'm gone."

"I'm going to miss you so much. What will I do without you?" I actually felt lost and scared. He had been by my side constantly. I knew our feelings for one another was deep, but would they survive our time apart. Would I survive our time apart? Or would he see sense?

I was eighteen; I was barley an adult.

Edward; He was perfection. And could do a lot better than me.

"You are going to get sleep and you are going to take pictures and you are going to talk away to people who can understand you better. The people here, talk to them. Learn to cope better and then learn to live again. Once you do your time here and your better, we can be together again. In my bed." His tone was hushed on his last sentence but I knew that his bed was my paradise. Not because it was the place where we had made love but because it was the place where it all began. It was the place he began to heal me.

I nodded knowing he was right.

"Besides, you have Christopher to keep you safe." He winked at me as his finger caressed the silver charm that still hung from my neck from when he had put it there.

"And...I have something else for you..." he rummaged in his pocket, pulling out something. "I saw it in a shop today. I think it was a sign of the good to come." He smiled at me showing me a little wooden bracelet with saints painted onto the little wooden blocks. It was perfect and I loved it instantly.

He pulled on it, stretching he elastic around my hand and sliding it up onto my wrist.

"I love it." I smiled up at him before reaching up to kiss him to thank him. I looked back down at it admiring the detail on the little bracelet and beginning to rattle off the saints I recognised.

"Saint...Peter." I stuttered out, trying to tell them apart. Looking up at Edward, "He's the saint of fishermen."

He let out a little laugh at that one.

"Hmm... I think this is Saint Matthew." I smiled up at him. "He's the saint of bankers accountants and tax collectors." It sounded strange but that was his thing.

"Okay, so it's decided. We don't like Matthew." Edward joked with a crooked smile. I laughed at his words.

"I know this one." I felt excited at my love for this particular saint. "This is Saint Jude. Or as I like to call him...Alice." We both laughed "Saint of desperate causes. Saint of the hopeless." I missed Alice. I hoped I would see her again soon.

"He does look like her..." Edward joked with a straight face as he fingered the little wooden bead.

I moved on to the next. "This is your Saint." I told Edward, his face turning to confusion. "The saint of physicians and surgeons. He's Saint Luke." He smiled at that one.

I moved onto the next bead. "This is Saint Michael. He is the Patron saint of protection from death and illness."

"So he was the one that kept you safe?" Edwards tone was low and sweet. I looked up at him, understanding that he meant that it was Saint Michael that saved me from Katrina.

He gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek as I stopped at his words before he encouraged me to tell him the rest.

"This is Saint Francis of Assisi. He Is the Patron saint of animals and nature. Before he died he received the "Stigmata" of Christ. His wounds on his hand, feet and sides just like Christ's."

Edward only nodded at that piece of information.

I moved on to the next and took a deep breath. "This is Saint Elizabeth. She is the Patron of lost parents." My hands trembled as I thought about my mum and how much I missed her. She was never far from any thought I had and all I wanted was to see her and tell her I loved her.

Edward clasped my hands in his own, easing the trembling. He rest my hand against his chest and I could feel his heart beat. It soothed me. He swiftly pulled me into him, kissing my temple.

"I never meant to upset you..." He sighed out, clearly infuriated with himself.

I shook my head, pulling back from him so I could see into his eyes. "You didn't. I love it." I promised with all that was left of my soul. "Really." I clarified.

He shrugged as he held me, his warm arms making me relaxed and sleepy.

It was like being home, being held in his arms like how I was.

My lids fluttered, his warm scent sweeping me into a peaceful slumber.

* * *

Walking up, he was gone.

I opened my eyes to find only Charlie by my side. I didn't need to ask if he really was gone, I just knew.

I quickly sat up, my eyes tracing the door frame that he had leaned against only an hour or so ago.

"He had to get back home. Its a long road." Charlies tone was soft and understanding.

Turning to him I smiled softly. "So just me and you now?" I tried to stay positive.

I didn't like how he had sneaked away while I was asleep, but I also knew I couldn't over react. I would see him in a few days.

I would survive. I would get thought it, just like I had got through the rest of my life without him.

I was a big girl and I was determined to stand on my own two feet.

Charlie only smiled at my words. My positive day, determined to keep running.

"Lets go get a coffee or something. I'm sure I could break you out of here for an hour." he joked as he stood, heading towards the door.

Aro gave the green light to head outside and see more of where I was.

I had never really been to Seattle before. I had been as I child with my mum and dad, but I never held any real memory of it.

We took a cab out into the city centre and I was blown away with it all.

The lights...the buzz...

We walked for a few minutes until we found a quiet coffee shop. It was old school. Rustic, traditional. The kind where the baking had been made on the premises and not produced elsewhere and shipped out to the chain of shops. It was very Charlie.

I sat with a hot chocolate and my Victorian sponge and for the first time in forever, I felt normal.

It was me and my dad - talking and laughing.

I had brought my camera along with me and even though he complained at my snapping with the camera – he still posed for me.

It felt like I was on holiday.

I had a flash back to me, my mum and Phil in Cafe Du Monde in New Orleans, but I never felt sad. I felt happy. I had that experience, I had that memory.

Now, even though I missed my mum, I was making proper ones with my dad.

Edward had saved me from self destruction, but Charlie had saved me a million other ways. I had just been so blind sighted to see it.

I looked up at my dad and laughed. He had froth stuck in his moustache. I pointed and he hastily wiped at his face, but still missing it. Grabbing hold of a napkin, I wiped it away for him.

"Damn posh coffee. What's wrong with just adding a splash of milk? What's with all the froth?" He asked a little amused.

I laughed at him and his determination to never really change. He liked his old ways. He could appreciate the simple things in life and that was good.

"It's called a latte, dad." I rolled my eyes at him in joke as he rolled his eyes at me and no doubt my "pretentious" word for a white coffee.

Before long, it was time to head back.

I had an hour and it was running out. I knew I was lucky to be allowed out but I think Aro saw it as a distraction for the night at Edward leaving.

We made it back and walking through the main entrance, I clung to my dad like the day he had found me in Houston, but this time, the pain in my chest was only at my own stupidity for not appreciating Charlie as much as I should have.

* * *

_**a/n: Awwww – happy times – please review – I beg of you! **_


	25. She Wouldn't Say

**She Wouldn't Say**

**EPOV**

"I'm just so pissed off at her. How could she have said something like that?" I gritted my teeth and tried to keep my composure.

I was currently telling Tanya all about Rosalie's words to Bella. I didn't know if it was really fair too, but I needed to speak to some one. Tanya was trying to be supportive to me, rubbing my shoulder to try and calm me down.

Every time I thought about it, it just worked me up all over again.

"Just forget about it, Edward." She pleaded and I could only glare back at her.

"I...I don't mean just forget it, but don't let your brain think about it too much, You're only going to upset yourself more if you keep thinking bout it." She quickly added.

She was right. I knew she was but that need to open up and scream at Rosalie...it was overwhelming.

Bella could have died. And it would have been Rosalie's fault.

"She could have died." I argues my just point.

"But she didn't. She's safe. She's getting help." She sighed and gripped at my shoulder. "If Bella was fine she would have known Rosalie was a bitch, but instead she choose to believe it and take it in. Its left a big flashing warning above her head about just how much help she needs. Least she is getting it now."

Her words didn't help but I understood them.

"You can't focus on it this way. You need to focus on Bella and not a fight with Rosalie. You need to see the issue here. Bella has sever lack of self worth. You need to show her Rosalie's was wrong. Be there for her. Don't go on about it, it will only remind Bella of her words."

I closed my eyes and rubbed at my face. I was exhausted after my taxi journey all the way back home. After I got in too, all I did was worry how Bella was.

I called Charlie and he said that she was doing a lot better than he had expected. That the two of them had even went out for coffee.

I was a little jealous of there time together but I knew it was a step towards the two of them growing closer again. She needed him in her life. He had been there for her ever since it happened and even thought he had struggled to do what was truly right for her; he had tried.

I nodded at Tanya's words knowing how right she was. Keeping it at the fore front of Bella's mind wasn't going to make it go away. What would make it go away would be to show her. Shower with affection and get across to her exactly what we thought of her.

She had completely consumed me and I struggled with Rosalie's verbal attack as she had been the one that had promised her life to my brother that same day. Surely she should have been a little more compassionate about peoples feeling. Especially after her own trauma as a teenager.

I didn't know what one of those points I was more pissed about.

"I miss her." I mumbled out, Tanya giving out a light laugh in return.

"You only saw her yesterday. I'm sure you will survive. Bella's more of a man than you ever will be, Cullen." She was totally mocking me and I knew it. Truthfully, I needed it. She wasn't being rude, she was teasing.

I laughed at her words. "I know." I agreed without doubt. "I just want to know how she's doing, you know?" my mind constantly worried. I didn't want my return to work to cause upset with her treatment. She was doing good. A lot better than I had anticipated. But then again, she was a lot stronger than I could ever imagine. The good thing about her treatment was that she was now beginning to see this for herself.

"She will be fine. Besides you will speak to her later. Wont you?" She asked.

I nodded as I looped my stethoscope around my neck, ready for my day of work.

"Good. Then move and do what you need to do and just remember that she is doing what she needs to do - without you glued to her side." She smirked, knowing too well of what we had been like.

* * *

Slumping down in the plush couch I let myself disappear into the obscene amount of cushions my mum seemed to have along it. What was the need for so many if the first place?

"Here, son." My dad called on me, offering a cold bottle of beer that I knew I had deserved after my day of hard work. My back was killing me after spending the entire day on my feet.

I took the bottle and took a swig of drink from the neck of the bottle, letting it slide down the back of my throat.

"Have you spoken to Bella, today?" My mother asked me as she slapped my feet off of her pristine couch, before wiping at the soft leather as if I had dirtied it. I hadn't. She was just a little too house proud for her own good.

"Not yet. I was waiting on her calling me...but I haven't heard from her. Maybe I should try calling her?" Looking to my dad for some kind of guidance on what I should do. Maybe it was good that she was coping without me, but I worried that she wasn't and that they had to medicate her.

"Maybe you should try calling Charlie, see if he knows what's going on?" My dad pushed gently and even though I had called him last night, I didn't particularly relish the thought of having to call him again.

_I wanted to speak to Bella._

"Though it is still early. Perhaps she's chatting to the others. It would be good for her if she is."

My brain couldn't make up its mind. Though I could have called the desk at the centre – just to ask how she was doing.

Though with confidentiality, I doubted they would.

Drinking down more of my beer I decided to stay at my parents. In all honesty, I just didn't like to be alone in my apartment.

I hadn't really been "just" my apartment, it felt like it somehow belonged to Bella as well. She was always in the damn place. Though I did love her being there. I would have been lonely in that place myself and I had been alone long enough to decided, that I really didn't like my own company too much.

I wasn't one for cheap thrills and chasing after girls for fun. I knew I was a bit old fashioned, but it was the way I was raised. I wasn't here to try and get as many girls as I could into bed. I was here to fall in love and let my self be vulnerable and let someone in.

I had let Bella in. She knew of my past, my adoption. Hell she even understood and got along with Alice, as well as being on good terms with the rest of my family.

The one thing that I struggled with, with Bella, was her lack of friendships. She had been closed off and hadn't really been accepted by many. Despite my concerns over her other friendships, I needed to help her. I needed to help her build her bond with Jacob once again.

It had been my fault, the fall out between the two. I knew what she had done was wrong but that night, it had been me that pushed her away. She had no one else to go to, of course she would have went to him.

When I had went over there and caused the fight, I had unintentionally caused the fall out between her and Jacob and for that, he had made her choose. Him or me. I was thankful she had picked me, but she shouldn't of had too.

* * *

Sifting through her pictures in my apartment, it was so good to see her smile like that. There were almost a hundred photographs, most of them blurred messes that hadn't been deleted, but they had something about them.

Getting to the last one, it was of Bella. She had complained of not being ready. But in the photo she looked so natural. A lazy smile played her lips and it was there because she was happy and not just put on for the camera.

_It gave me hope._

Maybe there were many more pictures of her to be taken looking like this. I could only pray.

She was growing in so many ways in the matter of days, but I waited for the fall out.

It was inevitable. She had reached a high in therapy with the discussion of her future, but the real reason why she was there was about to play out.

She abused her body with alcohol, sexual contacts and even her love for thrill seeking adventures would be seen as a reckless way to harm herself.

The sobs would start again, and for that, I needed to be there. I needed to be by her side when she felt like it was falling apart all over again.

She also needed to face the death of her mother. She had blocked it out to an extent and the fact that she had still called her mobile and left messages, it was a concern.

She needed everyone around her, all of the support that was possible. She didn't need to keep her fall outs continuing.

Tomorrow I was going to see Jake.

On the phone she had been a little distracted, but she seemed okay. She told me that she missed me and she wanted me to go back to see her as soon as I could.

She knew when I could go back and so she never argued too much, despite the tone in her voice seeming strained. It was as if words weren't being said.

* * *

Pulling up outside the huge garage that I had remembered from last time, I gathered my thoughts before I even attempted to get out of the car.

I needed to talk to Jake. For Bella, I needed to do this.

I knew I could expect a fight with the fact I was here, but I had to be firm. As much as I hated it, Bella needed him as much as she needed me.

Opening the car door I slowly walked to the large doors, noise coming from within, indicating someone was in there. I could hear the hum of the radio carry out to me as I stood at the door collecting my nerve.

Pushing at the partially open door, I knocked trying to show I was here and not to frighten him.

He was bent over the engine of the car I had caught him in with Bella. He was quick to turn around in my direction though with the knock I gave.

His eyes narrowed in on me, sizing me up.

"Get out." He gritted to me before I even had a chance to say a word.

He turned his back to me, drawing his attention back to his car. "Whatever you have to say, I don't want to hear it. Leave." His words were low and it was as if a small growl had came from his gut.

"I need to speak to you." I told him. "It's important." I snapped the words at him, trying to demand back his attention.

"Whatever it is – I don't care. I don't have any interest in you so get off my property and go back into town where you belong." he still had his back to me, his head dipping forward back to his engine.

"You care about Bella don't you?" I knew he did. There was no denying it. I saw it the time I had fought him and I knew with the way Bella had spoke that he did.

"As long as she's hanging around with a parasite like you, no, not really." He turned towards me once again, folding his arms across his chest. If she truly had meant nothing to him, he wouldn't have turned to hear what I had to say.

I wasn't dancing around this. I needed his co-operation. "She took another overdose." The words rolled out from my mouth and his forehead frowned, his arms dropping by his sides. He was concerned. It was written all over him.

He quickly collected his composure but he still shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "I caught her in the middle of it and got her to the hospital. She's fine...physically."

He sighed and I waited him to ask the question. To see how much he really did care. "And mentally?" He eventually asked.

I strode a step or two forward knowing we needed to talk about this, not just glide over it. "She's...she's okay, actually. We'll, when I spoke to her last night at least."

His lips pulled into a tight line, no doubt at the fact that he had no idea of this and I did.

"She's in Seattle. She's getting help for all of it." I didn't need to go into detail, he never knew her secret but he wasn't dumb to the things she had been up too.

"What about Charlie?" He asked with a little hesitance.

"He's okay. He's down there with her and they seem to be building some bridges of there own." He gave a meek nod at my words, absorbing them.

"I came here to ask for you're help. You and Alice are her only friends, she needs you."

At that, he seemed to snap back to life, the angry life where he wasn't speaking too Bella.

"I don't think you could call us friends. I told her to pick – she picked you. You win, you get her. _You can fix her_." He spat his words at me. His tone viciously sarcastic on his last sentence.

"It's not about me or you, this is about Bella. She needs the people who love her, around her. Don't tell me you don't care." I screwed my eyes closed in frustration. "You need to step up and be there for her. She's asking for help. She's trying."

Opening my eyes I could see his jaw set tight. "She went to you for that. It was you she told her secret too." he reminded me.

"I know she did. It doesn't mean she doesn't need you too." I gritted out. He was still so angry about it all.

"What's the big damn secret anyway? Huh? I mean what can be so top secret that she tells no one?" He rose his eyebrow trying to get an answer out of me.

"It's Bella that needs to be the one to tell you. I can't do that for her, it would be to easy on her. She needs to learn to speak about it. You would be helping her by just being there and listening." I told him truthfully.

"Where?" He asked confused.

I frowned. Wasn't he following? "Seattle. Come down with me when I go back. Show her that you are there for her. I know your angry and I know I'm the last person you probably want to see but I'm here asking you to help her. Not me. Bella."

"What's going on between you two? Are you something? I heard that you are." He asked suspiciously.

"Who said that?" I snapped back, thought I couldn't be surprised at the gossip's interest.

"People..." He answered vaguely. "it's going around town."

I didn't want to get into this with him. I didn't want any more fights but I knew I had to answer him. I couldn't just say nothing.

"We're something..." I sighed in pure frustrations at not knowing exactly what we were. I wanted a label on it. I needed an easy answer. "We're close, but my concern is getting her better before we think about us. It's how Bella wants it." I shrugged.

"Does that mean she still gets to go around screwing other guys?" A smirk appeared across his face and it took everything in me not to reach out across to him and punch him.

"Watch what you're saying. I'm asking you to help 'cos I know you care about her. I'm not needing to take your shit and neither is Bella. Either grow up or just stay out of her life. It's up to you..." I was challenging him. I knew he would never walk way from Bella, just like I never would either.

"You think its fun do you?" He growled at me, his eyes darkening.

I had no idea what he was talking about now. "What?" I asked knowing he was no doubt trying to push my buttons.

"Taking advantage of some young, confused girl. You never went after me like you did because you were concerned. You were jealous." I could see him practically glow in the knowledge of that one.

"You had either got her into your bed or were planning on it. Am I right?" His smile was wide and I was determined to rip it off of him.

I lunged forward at him, grabbing at the material of his t-shirt and bounced his back of of the car before throwing him to the ground.

He went down easy and I some how managed to resist the urge to lunge at him and beat him up.

Instead I hovered above his face as I gripped onto his shirt once again. "Don't ever speak about Bella like that. You were right. I win. She's mine and she's never going to be yours. You can either be in her life as a friend, or you're out of it for good." I hurled my words at him, each of them laced with venom.

I didn't know who the hell I was giving ultimatums like I was but I knew he couldn't mess her around and he certainly wasn't getting to speak about her like that. I knew it was just all for a reaction out of me but I refused to get in a fight with him once again.

I did worry though – was she really mine? Would she ever want Jake over me?

He pushed me back off him with his forearm and I stood up straight as he made himself steady on his feet once again.

"All I'm saying it must suck not being able to find girls your own age..."

I closed my eyes and composed myself as I turned away from him. This would not turn into a battle.

I kept my mouth closed.

"Are you coming or not?" I asked him sharply. I had came to do what was needed, now all I wanted was to get back to my parents.

You could see him think about it. He wet his lips considering his options.

Finally he gave an answer. "Okay." He nodded. "For Bella."

"Good." I gave a tight lipped smile. "Now I need to ask you for a favour..."

* * *

We had decided to drive down after I had finished work on the Friday evening. We knew we wouldn't see her that night but we would be there for her first thing in the morning. It was better than to attempt the city traffic on the weekend, spending half the day on the road.

Picking him up, I squirmed in my seat at the knowledge of how awkward this drive would be. It was either going to be silent or he would say anything to try and get a rise out of me. We were never going to be friends but I hoped, for Bella's sake, that we could be civil.

His heavy hand caused my car to bounce as he slammed the boot closed after placing his bag for the weekend in it. I felt the pull on the rear of the car and I knew he was only doing it to try and get at me.

_I ignored it._

By the time we had driven past the town limits, he had his foot pressed up against the dashboard.

Another attempt to try and piss me off.

_It worked._

I had pulled into the side of the road, quickly explaining if he didn't show some respect to me and my belongings, he was out of the car.

I was trying to help Bella but I wasn't having him think that he could use her as a weak spot just to rile me up.

He cared for her. He perhaps even loved her. But she was mine and I would be there for her. She didn't need an ass like him.

We had driven half way in silence when I decided I should attempt to talk, to explain some things to him.

"Bella needs a lot of help right now." I looked across at him, him giving an eye roll.

"I know that." he bit quickly.

"Really? Well care to explain to me why you were happy to try and get her into your bed?" I glanced across at him once again before I moved my eyes back onto the road, waiting for some kind of response. I just didn't know what I would get.

He sighed contently. "We never did it in my bed...We did it in my car, her truck, my lounge..." He grinned across at me, clearly amused. "We did it in _her_ bed a couple of times too thought..." he told me as if it was some kind of after thought.

My fists gripped onto the wheel, my knuckles turning white.

"But why I did it..?" He continued. "The same reason you got her into your bed...We wanted her." He told me simply.

He shrugged. "Though I love her. I know that you think I'm just like all the rest of those jackoffs, but I'm not. I hoped that...I _hope_ that she will come to me sometime and see that I could make her happy. I hated her being with all those guys and your just another one in that long list, but me, I've been here for a long time. _She always comes back to me_." He sounded sure of himself. A little too sure. I was running scared with that thought.

"It's not like that with Bella. I'm going to out run you and whatever little fantasy you have going on." I told him sharply. I wasn't having this kid think he knew our love. I was sure he loved Bella, but he wasn't getting to have her – in any way other than a friend.

"So why did you try and get her into your bed?" He asked me my own question. He had answered me so I would answer him.

"She was in my bed first. I went to her. She held onto _me_." I smirked back, determined to rub it in the way his words were rubbed into me.

I laughed a little as I began once again. "You can say what you want...think what you want. We have been together, but that was never my intention. That happened because we fell in love." I turned to him, determined to see the pain at my next words. "She loves me. She tells me all the time." Okay so I was embellishing a little but the look he wore was worth it. I could practically see him shrinking in his seat.

My eyes turned back to the road, the white and red dots across the highway in the dark evening. It seemed almost romantic. It was a shame that I was in the car with this ass hole.

He fell silent at my words and I was happy that something had taken that egotistical look off of his face.

"Like you say...She needs a lot of help." the grin began to show on his face once again and I did my best to ignore it and get back to what we really needed to talk about.

I ignored his attempt to start another battle. His words were like bombs.

"The three of us; Bella, Charlie and me." I clarified for him. "We all have a session together. Charlie invited me in to be part of it, since it was me who she trusted with her secret-"

"Ohhh yeh, the big secret." He sarcastically spat.

I gripped on at the wheel again, aware that this was going to be his attitude for the entire journey. "I was going to suggest that you go in my place tomorrow. Usually there isn't any sessions at the weekends but I called Aro – her doctor – and explained to him, who you were. He thinks it would be good."

"Of course he does. I'm the one that's been by her side since she got to Forks."

I tried to warn him of Aros methods thought. His brute honesty. "He will challenge you too though. He will question your relationship with her and everything that it involves."

"I can handle that." He told me sure of himself.

I nodded at his determination.

"I just want you to be prepared for anything. Bella has been a little up and down this week. She's been through hell and as much as I really don't think it's my place to tell you what happened...I just want you to be prepared. You say you're close so you might struggle to understand why she kept it quiet, but remember it was the way she coped. Don't take it out on her as if she didn't trust you. I know she does." I begrudgingly admitted. "She just struggled to tell you what had happened."

"But she told you..." He reminded me.

"She did. I have no idea why. She's been staying at my apartment." I carefully admitted to him. "It started when I found her in a bar in Port Angales. I took her back to Forks. She lied and said that Charlie would be mad with her so she asked if she could stay. I said yes, only because I saw that there was already a lot of friction between the two that day we ran into one another on the road."

I glanced at Jake and he kept quiet, he was looking back at me, listening intently.

"The next day I took her to get her truck and we went our separate ways. That was it. I thought I would never see her again. But she stole drink from me and I was just so mad, I had trusted her in my house and she was lying and stealing from me."

The look that played out across his face showed no surprise. I wondered if she had done the same to him.

"So I went after her. I knocked on the door and there was no answer. I had known by then that Charlie was actually away for the weekend so I tried the door, determined to find her and give her hell." I let out a sigh at the image of her, the way I had found her.

"She was unconscious when I saw her. She had drank a load of the alcohol and she was out cold."

I quickly jumped to explain myself. "I couldn't just leave her. I took her back to mine in-case she choked." I rubbed at the back of my neck, frustrated that I was having to explain all of this to him. "I got mad, I shouted at her – I even threw her in the shower." Jake Laughed hard a that one.

"She gets so pissy when she's hungover, she must have wanted to kill you for that one." He informed with more amusement.

I rose my brow knowing that she must have wanted too, especially when I stripped her of her clothes. But I wasn't about to tell Jake that little fact.

"I interrogated her, trying to find out why she did it. I already knew she had the nightmares from the night before and it didn't take a genius to see that was why she had drank. But we started arguing...over Alice." I looked back across at him once again and he nodded, understanding.

I rubbed at my eyes, knowing that he could get really pissed off at me for my actions to our argument we had. "I really didn't give her reason to trust me. We argued and I...I suppose I tried to intimidate her..." Did Jake know about Alice?

"Do you know about Alice?" I questioned carefully.

"The tequila and the cocaine..?" He asked as he nodded, clearly not needing to be filled out on that.

"Well she...she just got at me with that. She said Alice was holding some secret..." I shrugged.

"I know that you have sisters...you can understand me being mad, right?" I asked a little worried. Had I over reacted?

"I know what happened and I know the lie that they told to cover it up. If it was one of my sisters I would be hell bent on finding out exactly what happened." He shrugged answering me. Siding with me. "I never liked how they put the blame on Bella. Yeah, I know what she did was stupid. I was so mad at her for that. Especially when she went to that creep for the drugs too..." he sighed frustrated and there was something I was missing. I was sure of it.

"You know the guy that gave her the drugs?" I asked carefully, hoping that he would tell me.

"His name is James. He's a right low life. Refuses money from Bella." Why would he do that? "He prefers her to pay him in other ways." His tone was low and angry. I knew exactly how Bella paid him.

"She slept with him?" I asked, still completely shocked but not really needing an answer.

_What world did this girl live in?_

_What other secrets was she keeping?_

_Who the hell was Bella Swan and just exactly was she not telling me?_

He shrugged in his seat once again. "A half a dozen times or so...I really don't try to think about _that_ too much." His face looked disgusted and I had to admit I was having a hard time accepting her past, but this was killing me.

"Jake, I need you to tell me everything you can. Anything that you know. She isn't getting away with this." I pleaded firmly and the look of understanding passed from him alerting me that I was as much in the dark about this as he was about Katrina. "She is better than this."

* * *

_**a/n: Please review! what are you thinking just now?**_

_**okay, I am so sorry for the delay – I'm sorry to do it to you guys – but I honestly didn't see this chapter up so soon. Life is CRAZY – it will settle - nothing dramatic, I'm just really busy with work. I hope to get back to the writing as soon as I can and properly – a couple of chapters a week – but I just need a little more time before I get back to managing that one. A few weeks... I will try to get another chappy up soon though, but no promises. I really am gutted and so so sorry. You are all great to me.**_


	26. Ahayuta

**Ahayuta**

BOPV

_I would see Edward today._

It was the only thought in my head. The only one I could concentrate on.

Brushing my hair, I tried to look nice for him. It was never usually such a concern to me, I never felt this great need to glam up and demand attention. I liked to hide away and for no one to notice me.

But this was different.

I wanted Edward and I wanted him to look at me and to not feel ashamed of my appearance. He had already taken on so much with my life that he didn't need me too look terrible as well.

"This." I felt a tap on my shoulder as I looked in the mirror to find Jane handing me some other make-up product.

I hadn't slept much and was also trying to hid the effects. It wasn't that I couldn't sleep, the medication had thwarted that issue, it was more the fact that I just missed Edward. I missed his warm arms around me, his physical presence in the bed beside me. I needed him as much as I had needed the nightmares to stop.

"Thanks..." I replied back, taking the product from her with some confusion.

"It will help with those dark circles." She informed me with a soft smile as she gripped onto the top of my arm comforting me.

I only nodded and thought back to the night Edward had left me.

He was gone and for a change I felt positive. I could see past this point in my life. It was still going to be an obstacle, but I would work my way around it and I was determined to live the life I wanted. The life that I had always planned.

The nightmares had left me but I still wept into my pillow knowing that I wasn't going to see Edward.

I had felt so positive, sure of myself. But with him gone and the dark surrounding me I felt lost. I wasn't exhausted with sleep deprivation any more but without Edwards warmth to lull me to sleep, I couldn't.

I tossed and turned in the covers, tangling my legs in the harsh starch sheets.

There were no tears at first, just the annoyance of not being able to sleep. I tossed some more and when I realized what I was missing, the tears began. _I missed Edward._

I would have got through it knowing that he would see me come morning, but now he was back in Forks, there was going to be no Edward, not for another three more nights.

The tears began to slide from my eyes, silently. Wiping at my face they didn't cause me too much bother but the pain in my heart was horrendous.

I sniffled in the dark for a while before I felt my bed shift. A small arm that felt totally out of place, gave me warmth. It was Jane.

There were no words. No grand actions of consolation. Only her tiny thin arm draping around my waist.

It was all I need.

It was a reminder that people cared.

_Charlie cared_

_Edward Cared_

_Alice cared _

And now, _Jane cared._

I appreciated her warm touch, especially knowing she was struggling with her own issues, but then again, that's why she could understand. We lived in different worlds with our own problems, but what connected us was our loneliness at no one being able to understand our distress. _We were both alone._

I felt her head against my back and I knew she wasn't Edward. I knew that and I understood it. What I realized was that she was someone in_ my world_, someone that struggled with life.

I never tried to imagine that she was Edward. She wasn't being used like that. She was being appreciated as a new bond that could help me get through this.

The next day Aro was quick to point out the observation from the nurses.

We had shared a bed. But he wasn't surprised. The same as he wasn't surprised that I never though

of Jane as a substitute for Edward.

He said to the out side it was easy to assume that she had taken his roll, but to people in _our situation_, they knew she was someone I could lean against.

I cried again that day with Aro. He dragged the events of my trip to New Orleans out of me and I cried at all the memories he had made me bring up. We assessed everything. Every moment, every word and every fear.

Fear was key.

Fear was what I had lived my life by.

It sounded mad as I had felt fearless for so long. I never worried about my sexual conquests, what they may have had or what they could have done to me. I was never scared to jump from a cliff and hurl to the crashing waters below. I never felt in ounce of fear as I took illegal narcotics that could have left me in any situation possible.

I wasn't scared. I wasn't scared to be reckless.

What I was scared from was to be normal. To live life by a nine to five job or go to college. I was afraid to get into a routine where I would get along with my dad. I was petrified to get into a relationship and to _want_ someone.

I was running scared of ever losing another person again, to have those bonds and grow, only to disappear later in life.

I thought I was being brave. I thought I lived life in the fast lane.

_I was wrong. _

I was refusing to let people in and to feel any possible future loss.

Alice had pushed past that barrier but even then I had kept her at a reasonable length. We were close but she knew nothing of my life prior. I pulled her along with me, dragging her into disaster after disaster. Same for Jacob. I used him for comfort but I never let him in. He loved me and I refused to ever let myself feel for him, what he felt for me.

I did love him, on some level I had let him in, but it wasn't like Edward.

Edward was something different all together. Edward came skidding into my life and came skidding into my heart. He rail-road through my soul, hell bent on finding out the truth, the thing I didn't want to give up, my personal hell.

But he broke me down.

I still couldn't understand it. How did he get to me so quick? How could he have that power over me? How did I ever fall in love with him when it was the only one thing I refused to give?

He was coming. He was coming to see me.

He had given me this tiny little flicker of light. This glow. A matchstick glow that had turned into this blazing fire of light and warmth.

Looking at the product in my hand I was a little confused on how to get it out.

Jane let out an exasperated sigh and pulled it back out of my hand.

"Now darling," She stretched out her last words with the mock accent of some one like Zaza Gabour. "you twist the end and brush out the grey." She told me still with her mock accent as she did what she said.

Her fingers danced across my skin as she fixed me up, hiding my struggle. I wasn't as bad look as I had been two mornings previous. I was growing to sleeping alone now.

She took the make-up pen in her mouth and pretended to smoke on it. "What do you think, sweetie." She joked some more. "Aro said I need to develop a new way to handle my anxiety. Is smoking a look?" She pouted her lips and and batted her eyelashes making it look almost glamorous as if she was some fifties icon.

"I think you should stick with the kick boxing." I told her flatly but trying to keep the smile off of my face.

"Doesn't it suit me, darling?" She asked still using her faux accent. She pretended to flick her hair back off of her shoulder but in reality it was still held tight in her usual little bun.

Pushing her in front of the mirror I had, I shook my head.

"No, no, no, darling." I played along with, using the same accent. It reminded me a little of the fun I used to have with Alice. Alice always had some alter ego up her sleeve.

"What I think you need is to let your hair down." I told her as I gently tugged at her bun, silently asking to take her hair down.

She knew what I was asking and nodded in the mirror with a small nod.

I gently pulled her hair loose of it bobble, letting it fall down to her shoulders. She shook her head, swishing her hair completely loose.

"Do you think I should become a blond?" I asked half serious as I let my fingers trail through the ends of her soft hair.

"No, your one of those brooding brunettes. Sultry...sexy...mysterious." She played on her words making them all appearer far more superior to what they really were. "If you go blond you will just become some slut with your track record." She joked. She laughed at her words and I knew that she never meant harm. We could push one another on our own realities and it didn't seem to phase us. If anyone else had done it, it would have been wrong, simply because they couldn't understand it.

Jane knew my sexual activity was part of my condition as much as pulling out her hair was hers.

"You are way too mean for your own good." I joked with a gentle shove. "You're evil." I laughed as I tried to narrow my eyes on her, pretending to be serious.

She laughed at my act too and we both knew we meant nothing with our words.

"So...what about your boyfriend?" I began. "Is he coming today?" I asked carefully. Jane was in much the same situation as I was with Edward. The land of the unsure-what-the-hell-to-call-it, relationship."

"Yes." She smiled up at me brightly as she answered. "Of course..." She was smitten with him but she never got to see much of him, due to the fact that they were both in their last year of high school. "He should be here about lunch time, so I can try to make myself look good for him, too." She fluffed at her hair once again before letting out a little defeated sigh.

"It doesn't matter to him." I reminded her. She had spoke of her boyfriend, Felix. He was a good friend of her twin brother, Alec. When speaking abut him, she seemed so positive that he was accepting of her issues.

There relationship had started in the typical way that they do with friends of siblings. Felix had hung around her often as she was close to her brother and eventually, a relationship with Felix transpired from that.

I was sure that he cared about her. A lot. She had been struggling with her school. She was an academic and all her classes were honours. She felt pressure and at the death of her grandmother, she just couldn't cope any more and so she began to pull at her hair - literally.

That was a year ago. The damage was clear and she was quick to admit the cause but she had struggled to stop. Now she was learning, in a way that suited her, how to take control once again.

"What about your doc?" She asked raising her brows suggestively.

"What about him?" I asked with an amused smile at her actions.

"When is he getting here?" She played with the ends of her hair once again and I took her hand and placed it on her knee as I took it upon myself to do something with the blond strands.

Gently, I French plaited it for her and tied up the end with the bobble that I had took out form her bun. "I don't know." I answered with a nonchalant shrug, trying not to show how eager I was to see him. "It's a long drive..." I explained, not expecting him till after lunch. It was his day off and he deserved his rest.

She looked pleased as she watched me do her hair and I hoped it made her feel a little better about how she looked. Smiling at me through the mirror, she looked happy. She was ready for home. She was a strong girl and I knew she would be leaving soon. I didn't need to hear it from her or Aro. I could see it.

Losing her would be hard.

But I had her cell number and her e-mail address and maybe sometime I could visit her. She was still at school but she was the same age as Jake. Actually she was a month older than him. She was a bond and I refused to break it, especially when she had got me through the week.

Suddenly I heard a voice.

One I recognised.

One I had missed.

_Jacob_.

Was it really him?

My head snapped towards our room door and I felt Jane's eyes land on me, confused at my actions.

I took a few hesitant steps, worried if it was him.

We had been on such bad terms. Had he forgiven me for choosing Edward?

Jake was so obnoxious at times, I couldn't ever imagine him coming to me here of his own free will. Had Charlie guilt tripped him into it?

I carefully peaked around the frame of the door, my eyes instantly landing on Jacobs bulky frame,

_He was here. Jacob was here._

My eyes went straight on to the figure next to him.

_Edward_.

Charlie was there too.

I turned to Jane and she could read the panic on my face.

"What's wrong?" She asked, her own panic for me lacing her voice.

"Ja...Jake..." I stuttered. "He's here. _With Edward_." I gasped.

A large smile broke out across her face. "That's...good? Isn't it?" She asked confused.

She knew all about my history with Jake and of course the fight that Edward and him had.

"I don't know..." I let out worried.

"Bella, breath." She told me sharply. "Go out and see him. You wanted this."She reminded me.

I had wanted to make up with Jake, not for him to have another fight with Edward.

There was no way that the two could go through a day without Jacob sniping at Edward. I knew Jake and he wasn't one to forgive easily. I struggled to think of him forgiving me, never mind Edward.

I did as she instructed and I took a large gasp of air before walking out to the hall way.

Edward instantly saw me and smiled as Charlie and Jake spoke away.

I wanted to run into his arms for him to hold me, Edward that was, but Jake also. I wanted Jake to hug me and forgive me.

Jacobs eyes were quick to land on me and despite my need to rush up to all three of them, I stayed rooted to the floor, waiting on them to come to me. I was to scared to do anything else.

Jacob smiled at me and I knew from the look in his eyes he had forgiven me. That was why he was here. He was here for me. I just couldn't believe that Charlie had managed to talk him around to coming to Seattle to see me.

Jake got to me first, his big strong arms pulling me up and into him, before twirling me round on the spot and placing a chaste kiss on my cheek. I laughed at his actions and the fact that I had him in my life.

_Jacob cared._

Why had I been so quick to think he would strike me off for life? He was stubborn and there was no doubt about it that he was mad with me, but he still loved me. I should have known that he still cared and would have come around, given time.

Gently, he placed me back down onto my feet as Charlies arms pulled me towards him, hugging me. It was still so bizarre. This is what we did now. He, himself had been so awkward on how to deal with my mums death that he had hindered me along the way. _Aro had told him that._ I was shocked at his words, but he was right.

Charlie had lost Renee too, all over again, and he too had been closed off. We kept our thoughts and feeling at bay from the other and doing so had only put more distance between us. We were working on our relationship, and Aro thought that physical contact was a great way to help with emotional contact.

His fatherly hug was short and sweet and something that I had looked forward too. It was a sense of belonging. I was his. I was still his daughter. I had grown up and did so many wrong things, but I was still that girl.

The third hug was what I had been longing for. The one I was desperate for. That one I needed.

His arms wrapped around my back firmly and as I drew in closer to him, I inhaled that smell that was him. It filled my lungs and senses and the warmth made me feel like I was home again.

The low gentle whisper of the word 'Love' in my ear stood as his greeting. I never said anything back. I was sure my grip on him was telling him everything.

Slowly his hand reached my face, his fingers cradling my cheek. His body pulled away slightly but only so he could greet me the way I was desperate for. _A kiss._

His lips gently and polity brushed against mine and I wanted more. I wanted deeper, I wanted to taste him. But I never, because I knew that he was being reserved in the presence of Jacob and Charlie and I wasn't wanting to make anyone uncomfortable, especially Jacob.

That relationship was hanging by a thread and I wasn't going to let it snap.

* * *

Charlie and Edward had left to give Jacob and I some time alone to talk things through properly.

The four of us had chatted away awkwardly for a while but the obvious tension still hung in the air and it needed to be sorted out.

I sat on my bed and Jake sat across from me, his huge frame taking up most of his side of the bed.

He looked around at the room and a now empty side, that belonged to Jane.

"So..." He put out into the air.

I shrugged, not really knowing what to do. "So...How's things going at the reservation?" I carefully asked, not wanting to stand on toes.

"Fine...The normal, really..." There was a silent pause before he sighed.

"Is this it?" He asked a little sharply. "Are we going to talk about this or pretend its all normal?" He eyed me up, looking for an answer.

Nervously, I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and glanced up into his sparking brown eyes. They were always warm, even when his tone wasn't.

"What do you know?" Had Charlie told him why I was here – That I had tried to overdoes again.

"A lot." He started. "Edward told me everything on the way down. He-"

I interrupted him, surprised. "Wait. Edward drove you down?" Had Edward went to Jake?

"Yeah. He came to talk to me. He told me what happened, what you tried to do..." I nodded silently at that one as I let my eyes fall to the mattress below me.

"I told him a lot too, Bella." His tone was different. It was sorry.

Looking up to him, I tried to think what he meant.

"I told him about James." he rubbed at his face knowing that I had tried to keep that part of my life quiet from everyone.

"Why?" I snapped. "Why did you tell him that?"

"Because he deserved to know." He snapped back just as forcefully. "You did drugs, why couldn't you just tell him that."

"Because...Because he will wonder about the money for them." I replied back, worried that Edward ever found out.

I had pretty much prostituted myself for the narcotics.

"He knows." He told me sharply. "I told him everything. No more secrets and no more lies, Bella. Personally, I don't like he guy, but I see that he's trying to help you. You have a real shot at it now you're here. I'm telling them everything."

"Them?" I asked confused and completely stunned.

"Edward, Charlie...even this doc your seeing here." His words were firm, as if he really was going to do it.

"Wh...what does it matter?" I panicked. "I took some drugs. End of. This doesn't need to come out." It really didn't need to come out, all it would cause was more upset and for them to lose all faith in me. I hadn't touched a drug since I had smoked the marijuana in Jacobs garage the day I had ran Edward off the road.

"It does matter. Its a pretty big _matter_. They need to know that you relied on that shit too." he groaned.

"I never relied on it." I argued. I never had a problem with drugs, I used them, but I never had a problem with them. I had never touched cocaine after what had happened with Alice, instead I stuck to marijuana and mushrooms.

"I know you don't have a real problem with that stuff, but they needed to know. Edward is looking out for you. Fuck, Bella, you are sharing a bed with him, he deserves to know." He palmed his forehead in sheer frustration at me.

I was shocked to learn he know of me sharing a bed with Edward, too.

"It's in the past." I still tried to fight my corner.

"I don't give a shit, he needed to know in case you ever take it again."

"You took it too." He had, it wasn't only me.

"A few draws." he told me pointedly. "And I never used it as an excuse to hide from reality. I experimented – you used it to forget."

My head hung low at knowing he was right. If it wasn't for me he would have never have been exposed to it in the first place. Like always – I had dragged him into it with me.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled out, the reality of it hitting me.

"It's not about being sorry, Bella. I'm here for you, but you never come to me. I hoped that you would mess about and then get bored and finally tell me what was eating you, but you never, you just got worse. I should have went to Charlie, but I never cos I wanted you to come to me, for you to need me. _That _was wrong. Now I'm going to make it right because you need me too. You don't want me too, but you need me too do it." Wiping at his eyes he looked out to the window, the sunny day shining through the blinds.

"Why are you like this? What happened in your life that you gave up on it?" His eyes bore into mine and the sincerity of him wanting to be there for me shone out from him.

_He was here._

_He had always been there for me._

It was time to admit it to him, not because he deserved to know, but because I knew that he was the one person that I knew would never pass judgement on me. He never had, and any thought that he may have in the past, disappeared.

When Alice was pulled away from me, he was all I had left. Why did I let myself become so distant from him, instead of embracing him.

He had never left me.

He took me and he had been intimate with me, but I had never _ever_ been intimate with him.

This was the least he deserved.

* * *

Jacobs warm arm slung around my neck, pulling me closer into him. That usual warm fragrance what was his, surrounded me.

I wiped at my tears furiously, determined to wipe them away, along with my past that I had explained all to Jake.

My breath stuttered as I tried to compose myself in his form, his arms only gripping tighter on to me.

"Shhhh." His warm breath tried to sooth me and it did a little.

He was my best friend. He had been the one to stand beside me at every downfall. He had been the one to watch over me as I turned my life into a mess.

He had never wanted that for me, but her knew he was powerless to stop it. All he could do was try to keep an arm out for me in the flood and hope that I could pull myself out.

I was pulling myself out now.

"I'm sorry..." Gasping at the air I tried to calm myself down. "I should have told you...You deserved to know."

His thumb stroked my forearm as he tried to sooth me. "I can understand it now. Cullen told me not to get mad, that it was your way of coping and I suppose as messed up as it is, I can understand it. I don't like it. I can't believe that you never trusted me enough but that you could trust him...That hurts, Bella."

I could see the pain etched on his face and I wondered just how much I had hurt him.

Could he forgive me?

He was here right now, but would he still be my friend when I was back in Forks? Could we hang around the garage like we did, once I was back home?

I wiped at my tears with my sleeves once more and I felt that crying had been the only thing I had done in the past week.

My time here had been hard. I had got though it, saw the positives...But it was still hard.

My cheek lay pressed against Jacobs chest and I could have sat like that for ages. I had missed him so much.

He played with my bracelet, the one that Edward had got me with the saints painted along it and I began to explain who had got me it.

He laughed knowing too well my fondness for saints.

"Am I ever going to be one of those dudes?" he asked jokingly as his finger grazed across the wooden beads.

"You already are." I promised him.

He laughed again. "Really...Then who am I?"

He eyed me suspiciously, unsure whether or not to believe my words.

"You're none of these, palefaces." I smiled up at him. "You're a deity." I explained to him.

Deity's were seen as supernatural to the Native Americans, they were in a sense, Gods. Jacob was one of my gods. He always had been.

"Really?" He asked somewhat amused. "What one am I?" He thrust his shoulder a little, encouraging me to tell all.

"You're, Ahayuta."I told him with deep sincerity.

"Second in command." He said in some mock disapproval. "Who is first in command? Cullen?" He asked a little expectant.

I laughed at his tone as I pulled away from him. "No. I'm first in command. I'm the boss." I joked with a wink.

The story of Ahayuta was that he belonged with Achi. The two gods were often named together as Ahayuta-Achi, but the story is that Achi was never heard from. Instead Ahayata ruled as second in command from the sun god, Awonawilona. Ahayuta is seen as protection or a victory in battle.

Jacob had protected me from the moment he had found me and he was the one that had put up with me the most. No one was more deserving of that title, than him.

He laughed hard and I looked up at him, confused. "What?" I asked confused.

"I made this for you." He told me as he pulled out a little carved wolf on a length of black cord.

It was a symbol of Ahayuta, a carving of him to protect you and to keep you safe.

I smiled as he dangled the little object in front of me.

"You made this...for me?" I asked stunned.

He shrugged. "After I had spoke to Cullen, I figured you needed all the help you could get."

The cord was tied already, the length was long and he placed it over my head and around my neck with out a problem.

I laughed as I seemed to sit along side Saint Christopher with ease.

I was bound to have no issues with all of them looking out for me, the humans as well as the immortals.

"Thank you." I told him in a hushed mumble. All he gave back in reply was a sweet peck to the apple of my cheek.

The two of us sat in silence for a long time, both of us looking out to the lush green in the suburbs or Seattle.

I had my best friend back and I was never going to let go of him now.

I had missed him. I had needed him and I loved him.

The bond between myself and Jake was close like Edward and I, but I could still see the difference.

I knew that on another day I would have to point his loyalty out to him as my friend, and that a friend would all he would ever be.

His arms were warm and they were strong, but still they weren't Edwards.

I was beginning to see the truths that Jake had brought with him and the admissions I would have to talk to Edward about. I needed to tell Edward everything, even my past with drugs and James, despite how fleeting they had been.

How could I expect him to be entirely true with me if I was never entirely true with him.

Truth would prevail in everything.

_It had a way of coming out._

Before long I could see the small hesitant look on Edwards face from the far end of the corridor and I knew it was time to come clean. He had heard bits from Jacob and now he would hear it from me.

* * *

_**a/n: Please review – just a little something...**_

_**I worked pretty hard on this chapter, so please tell me what you think and also about Jacobs deity – did you like it?**_

_**It's true to its legend – the only thing I'm not sure about is how Ahayuta looks – the carving of him for protection is true, but I don't know how he appears – I thought that he may look different to different tribes so I went with him as a wolf.**_

_**I never thought I would get this out so quick – I have been typing furiously, but like I said, I have work and I may not be back for a few weeks. But as always, I do think about you, and the support you give so I do try to write when ever I can.**_


	27. Though I know I'll Never Lose Affection

**Though I Know I'll Never Lose Affection**

**EPOV**

Frustration rang through me.

_Aro was letting Bella down._

I knew it wasn't his fault, that an emergency had come up, but I still hated that the only real time he was able to talk to all of us, he couldn't make it to the arranged appointment this afternoon.

Bella clung to the side of Jacob, his arm pulling her in closer to him. It made me jealous that he was able to get that close to her, but from what I had heard from Jacob, he had been the only real person that was there for her after she and Alice had separated.

He hadn't done much for her, but I was sure that he had kept her safe somewhat. Pulling her back a little from the trouble she seemed so keen on finding.

Learning that it was him that had took her cliff diving in the first place wasn't something I needed to hear, but he had hoped it would be a safer method of idiocy, rather than taking drugs, as either a recreationally or to harm her self.

I _suppose_ it made sense.

Her eyes spotted me from along the corridor and I found myself picking up my pace, determined to have some time with her on my own. I had given the two of them space, and they would have had plenty by now.

Jacob and her had spoke for the last hour and a bit and she had been with Charlie all week so it was only fair that I get some time with her, alone.

Shifting up and away from Jake, she glanced up at me as I came in the room. She gave a small smile but there was some worry showing on her face.

Jacob had told me a lot on the way down.

Her abuse with illegal drugs and the fact that she slept with the sleazy ass hole, that he knew he could work her to get what he wanted, to use her.

I had tired to put that thought to the back of my mind. It had literally filled me with fury and I could feel my skin grow hotter and hotter with rage.

"Hey..." she mumbled out with some hesitation.

I smiled at her in reply and looked towards Jake, looking for him to leave. "Charlie is along at the cafeteria..." I hoped that I was subtle in telling him to go, but if I needed to be more blunt, I would.

He rose his brows at me, no doubt at the gentle prodding of him to leave. But he stood, nodding.

"I'll be back in a little bit, Bells." He told her as he nervously rung his hands. No doubt at him having to face Charlie over Bella's other revelation and the fact he had kept them quite form him.

She gave a small smile up at him and nodded with no words.

Jake retreated from the room with only a fleeting glance in my direction.

Once he was gone, out of sight. I sat down beside Bella, reaching for her face with my hand.

I stroked her bottom lip with my thumb, before I reached down and kissed her chastely but firmly on her perfect lips.

"I missed you." She cooed out with a small smile.

I mirrored her actions and told her I had missed her too. "It's been a long few days." I shrugged almost feeling exasperated with the need to see her.

She scooted up the bed, the tiny little space that had been left between us, and rested her head against my chest, allowing me to wrap my arm around her back.

I could hear the contented sigh as she got comfortable. All the while she never spoke.

Swiping at a few strands of hair from her face, I gently tugged on her chin, to direct her glance at me. Things needed to be said and I needed for her to tell me everything.

I sighed, knowing I was no doubt going to kill the relaxed atmosphere between us, but I preceded anyway. "Bella, Jake told me some things," She nodded a little, letting me know she understood. "I need you to tell me what happened. What happened between you and James?" Her body froze, her breathing stilled and my attempt to read her eyes was taken away from me when she closed them.

"Bella...?" I pushed after a few moments.

"It wasn't anything, Edward." She pulled away from me, turning fetal as she sat on the edge of the bed with her knees up to her chin. "It was...it was..." She sighed in pain, as if the thought was hurting her.

"Did he hurt you?" I asked a little worried.

"No." She jumped quickly. "No, nothing like that. He's not that guy. He's not the best, but he's not that guy either." I nodded.

Jake had explained it to me simply but I wasn't right sure if there was more to the story. Either way though, I needed to hear Bella admit to it.

"Edward, please don't make me tell you. You'll hate me and you wont want me. You say that you love me, trust in me that whatever happened, is over."

Anxiety coursed through my veins. What had happened? Now I really needed to know.

"I swear, I'll still be here. I'm not going anywhere. You just need to say what had happened. Then there will be no more secrets. Just tell me." I pleaded as I pushed my lips on to hers. I hopped it was enough to convince her that I wouldn't leave her.

I was sure I wouldn't. Jake had explained the most of it. What I had heard I had learnt to live with. I hated it. _God I fucking hated it._ But I was still here.

She looked up at me, her hesitance was crystal clear in her brown eyes. She was afraid. Really afraid.

It only made me worry even more.

"Christ, Bella. Just tell me. You have me thinking the worst right now anyway." Had she loved him? Had she wanted him and he didn't want her? Was I second best?

Jake had said that they had been together half a dozen times or so, was it really more? Was Jake in the dark as much as I was?

I asked because I needed to know. "Do you love him?" I almost snapped the words at her, my jealousy filling the room. There was no denying it. I was jealous. I was jealous of them all.

Her forehead creased in confusion. "You think I love him?" She asked incredulously. "No, Edward. I do not love him." She snapped at me. She was snapping at me? Her eyes glared at me as if I had just completely offended her. "I love you." She snapped again.

"Then tell me what the fuck is going on. I need to know." I demanded, my voice growing louder.

"Drugs, Edward, Drugs. I got them from him and in return I let him screw me. Is that what you needed to know?" She practically snarled at me. And yes, it was what I needed to know. I needed her to tell me everything.

"Yes." I snapped back. "I needed to know. I need you to tell me everything, to let me all the way in and trust me. Not for you to think I'm wanting out. I'm not going anywhere. I thought I had made that clear already. But you need to trust me. I'm not going to just turn away 'cos I don't like your past'." I stopped, gasping for air.

My voice lowered, my nerves calmed, my hand reached for her face, stroking her cheek. "Be mine and only mine and I'll never go. I'll never leave. I can't be without you. Don't hurt yourself, 'cos you only hurt me more. Stay with me too."

I pleaded with her. She thought I would leave her because of her past, but I would never have been able too. Nothing would make me go, but she kept threatening me with leaving. This desire to hurt herself and to overdose. If I promised to never leave her, would she promise never to leave me, too?

She shrugged away from me, mumbling on her words. "That's different, Edward. It wasn't because I never wanted you, or that I wanted to leave you...its just all different..." Her words trailed off into the air.

"But promise me you'll try and I'll promise that I'll stay with you." A small smile formed on her lips as she reached up to kiss me.

"I promise. I have only ever been yours and I always will be." sincerity poured from her, her words, her eyes and her heart.

Puling her into me, I kissed the top of her head as a faint sniffle cam from her.

Pulling her away I inspected her features. Small tears welled up in her eyes, she still held that soft smile.

I hated myself of knowing what I was going to say next, "You still need to tell me what happened?"

"Nothing. That was it. He had what I wanted and he wanted to get me into bed." She wiped at her eyes, catching the tears before they fell. "I know how it sounds. Like I'm some whore. Maybe I am." Her words peaked on her last few words. "But I just wanted an escape. I took that stuff and it made me forget...for a while."

"And after?" I Pushed.

"I only felt more alone. It never did any good except at the time. But it doesn't last forever, and I didn't want to do it. Not really. I only took it when it got really bad, when I never had the guts to do what I did the day after the wedding." She shook her head as she pipped at her face with the backs of her hands, still a small faint trail of tears fell from her eyes. "I'm sorry, but I can't take it back."

"How many times?" I pressed again.

She looked up at me and I could see the lie before it left her mouth. "Just...just a couple of times." She shrugged her shoulders as she looked down to the mattress between us.

"A couple? Twice?" I double checked.

She nodded, her eyes never meeting mine. "Just twice." she confirmed.

Anger fuelled me, my control waning. I shot up from my seat on the bed, next to Bella and I tried to calm myself, anxiously tugging on my hair.

"Will. You. Just. Stop. Lying." I spat at her. "I'm struggling with what is true and what isn't. Jake told me it was about half a dozen times. Will I go and ask him?"

She jumped from her seat and grabbed at my forearms. "No." She gasped in panic.

"Tell me the truth now, Bella. If you don't I swear I _will_ leave." I didn't know if I had the strength to do it, but I had to at least try and put some fear into her. She needed to see there was repercussions to her lying.

"It happened about fifteen times." She hurried out in panic.

"Fifteen?" I asked, totally taken back and gob smacked. "You went with him fifteen times?"

I could see the rise fall of her chest, the speed at what her heart went at. She was scared.

"You said you wouldn't leave me." She reminded me furiously as if it had been my intention too. It wasn't. But what I heard wasn't what I was prepared to hear.

"I'm not going anywhere, Bella. But neither is this. We talk about it. We all talk about it. It's not James that gets to me, its what you got from him."

"I never wanted him." She tugged on my hand, pleading with me. Though I didn't know what she was pleading for. She had nothing to beg of me. I was sure.

"I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about the product. What you took, what he deals in."

She Bowed her head, "It's nothing. I haven't done any of it since I met you. I took some pot and some mushrooms a couple of times." She sighed, looking back up to me, "I don't need it. Not when I have you."

"So I'm just some replacement drug?" I snapped. I didn't know why I was being such an ass to her, I guess I was still reeling from what she told me about her and James a little.

But if she thought that I was there just to be used instead of some hash, she had another thing coming.

"No." She shouted at me instantly. "You are not a replacement, but I haven't really needed to escape like that for a while. You kept the nightmares away."

"But you still tried to kill your self." I reminded her calmly.

"No, I...I never. I never had that as my plan. God, Edward you come here at me with all this and you want answers, but you wont even listen to me." She glared up at me, "I love you. Just listen."

I sat back down on the bed, and kissed her lips softly and waited for her to begin.

"I took that stuff to forget. When you came to Forks, you never made me forget, but you didn't let it follow me like it had. You kept the bad away." A small smile tugged on her lips ans her eyes glazed over.

"I never told you about that because I really didn't think it was something that you needed to know and I though that if you did, you'd hate me."

"I don't hate you." I jumped in quickly. I didn't care what she had did in her life before me, all that mattered was what happened between us. But the point was, she still needed to talk about it. Her dependency – how ever small – was very much relevant to her treatment and nothing was going to hider that if I had my way.

She placed her finger against my lips and gave a small laugh and smile, clearly at the fact I hadn't listened to her when she had told me to pretty much keep my mouth closed.

I closed my eyes and smiled myself as I nodded, understanding what she was meaning and letting her continue without another sound.

"I wasn't some addict. I only needed it as an escape...just like with the alcohol..." She shrugged as her words trailed off into the air.

She wasn't an alcoholic, either. It was clear that when she came here for treatment she didn't really need it. She just thought she did. Her body never turned cold turkey at the loss of it. Instead, she began to look better, healthy. Especially with the sleep she had got too. There was no doubt about it, as beautiful as she always was, she appeared to be shining now.

"I'm sorry I kept it from you. I know I should have been more honest but I just didn't want you to be asking about James." Her brown eyes looked deep into mine. "You can understand why I kept it quiet, right?"

I could. Of course I could. I had kept quiet about my own accident as a kid so it would be a bit hypocritical to make her squirm any longer at the fact she had kept it a secret.

I only nodded in response, a little worried she would tell me off again.

_Though I kinda liked it._

She could be bold, but it was only when she was trying to play games with you. But something new was beginning to take over. She was still Bella. Self-conscious, a little shy. But now she was beginning to take hold of her life and her situation.

Whenever I had challenged her on things, she would fight back, be aggressive, all before running away and never resolving any issues. But now she was standing on her two feet and she was steady. She was sure, she was calm and she was collected.

She smiled up at me again, at my silence. "Do we need to keep talking about this right now?" her voice soft and a little tired.

"Not today. But I want you to talk about it to Aro when I'm back home." He at least needed to know about this, though I was pretty sure Charlie would be mentioning it and wanting some details for himself.

"I will." She promised with a nod. "But right now I just want to lie down beside you and pretend that I'm normal for a little while."

I scoffed at her words. "Bella, you are normal. You just had a bad turn. You are no more different than anyone else who would be in your situation. Its how your brain functions."

She waved off my words as she tugged on my arm as she lay down on her bed, pulling me down with her.

Laying down by her side, I pulled her into me and wrapped my arm around her waist, tightly, securing her into me. It was so good to have her by my side again.

I had to admit the lack of sleep I had, during the week at her missing form from my side.

Her warmth would only ever draw me in closer, it was as if we were magnets. She moved, I moved.

Without her there, I had tossed and turned, gripping onto my pillow as some sort of replacement, but it was never actually going to replace her. Not in the slightest.

I weaved my fingers through her hair, just enjoying the simplicity of it all. The smell of strawberry radiating from her long dark brown hair.

Kissing the top of her head, I pulled back so to watch her face. Her features were relaxed with her eyes closed and her mouth open ever so slightly.

"You're not planning on falling asleep on me here, are you?" I teased as I let my thumb pull gently on the centre of her cushioned bottom lip.

She sighed contently, not opening her eyes. "Wouldn't dream of it." She teased back, her voice, small, wispy and relaxed.

I rolled my eyes at her but she couldn't see. If she were to fall asleep on me, I couldn't argue. I had been the one thing I had longed for all week.

"So, Jake..?" She put out there, waiting for some kind of response.

"What about him?" I knew where she was going with this questioning, I was just winding her up a little. I didn't want to think of the guy at all, tot when I had her in my arms, finally.

"How is he here?" She asked me, finally opening her eyes and looking up at me.

"You need your friends." Despite there fall out, she needed him. Both of them cared an awful lot about the other. It wasn't right to let this argument carry on the way it had. I could understand him being angry, but I knew that he wanted her in his life, just like I did. Just like I needed.

Life was always kinda easy for me. I just sailed by with out hassle or issue but at the back of my mind something was always missing. And Bella had been the one to fill that void. Who knew it was a gaping hole in my heart, though?

"He doesn't like you." She told me a little sheepishly.

"I know." Despite our conversation in the car and mutual understanding, there was by no way we had became sudden friends. "It's not that he doesn't like me. He doesn't like me being with you." I knew it was the truth. Also the fact I was a working guy in his mid twenties didn't really help much either. I think there was some intimidation.

"But you did that for me?" She asked awe struck. I would have done anything for her. "You went and spoke to him and drove him down with you. You didn't need to do that. You didn't need to do all the things you have done, but you did. Why?"

She looked up at me from her position, her eyes filled with confusion.

_Seriously? Did she not get any of this?_

"I love you." I told her strongly, so I hoped she would actually believe it. "I want to be with you. I know this is way too fast. And I know I probably really shouldn't push you on it, but I don't want you to ever go away. In any means. I want you to get better, I want a life with you and I want to show you off to the world as mine."

Her eyes welled up and she stayed silent, she looked shocked, but not put off.

"I need you to stay with me. Not just alive, not just breathing. I need you to be by my side when you sleep. Christ, even when I watch television I want you to be next to me. I want you to cook me more of that amazing food – as much as I hate to ask you to cook for me – and I want to be the one that you come home to at the end of the day, whether it be a good one or a bad one. The good ones we'll enjoy and the bad ones, I'll try to help you through."

I held her hand up to my mouth and kissed the palm of it. _Warm. _

"What do you want from me Edward?" Her voice was shaky, trembling slightly and she still looked a little confused.

I sighed at her blindness. "I want you. Forever. By my side. And I want you whole, not because I want it, but because you deserve to be happy."

I kissed her forehead gently and looked back down at her in the eye. "Do you want forever?" I asked, suddenly totally out of my depth and worry coursing me at the prospect of her answer being 'no'.

I was putting way to much on her here. I should have held back. Let her settle into the idea of me wanting her. Instead I was asking her to promise her life to me.

_I wanted to marry her._

I struggled to think when it happened. When I found myself being so deeply consumed by her.

She fascinated me.

From the moment I averted my gaze as she stripped off her clothes in my lounge only five weeks ago, I knew I was pulled to her.

Her eyes had me at the side of the road as she sent me running off, but her unusual behaviour had me asking questions. Making me think about her circumstances.

Tension had built between us quickly and my fight with Jacob only proved to myself the thoughts that I had been trying to keep below the surface.

But they had floated up, and I gasped for air at the prospects of having her with me, like I had.

Her warmth as she seemed to follow me in bed as she slept, the feeling of her small hand on the low of my back with my larger one reaching out to touch her in some way, even if it was only the tips of my fingers. We had to have contact. And that's what I had realized this week. I couldn't sleep without her, because I couldn't be without her.

She never did answer my question. Instead she kissed my lips chastely, only leaving me more confused.

* * *

My time passed with Bella quickly and before I knew it was time to leave for the evening. So I went to see Alice.

She jumped up at me, hugging me tightly, like she always did. She kissed my cheek before I made sure she made it back to her feet without falling.

Taking hold of my arm, she gripped her two around it as she directed me in the direction of some restaurant.

Jacob and Charlie were entertaining themselves elsewhere and as much as I knew we should have talked, I wanted to see my sister. Someone who was on my side. Wholly.

"I can't believe you brought Jake with you." She seemed amazed, even more than Bella had been. "Really, when did you grow up and become such an adult?" She teased me with a tug of the arm, pulling me in through the door of an Italian restaurant.

"I guess I knew it was what she needed. She needs you and she needs Jake. As much as I hate to have to admit it, the guy has tried." I had to admit it. There was nothing else for me to do. She had made it thought her life with his help.

"He must hate you." She mused with a laugh.

"I'm pretty sure he does." I hoped he didn't hate me, but at the same time I wasn't arguing with her.

"Yep." She popped her P. "He hates pretty much any guy who talks to her, with the exception of Charlie of course." She smiled up at me. Just exactly how well did Alice know Jake?

"So you know Jake well?" Suddenly realizing that she most likely had been part of his life too.

"Yeah. Not too badly. He's a decent guy. He's always had those sad puppy eyes for Bella. She knows he wants more but she just doesn't see him like that."

"She still slept with him." I pointed out. Out of everyone she had been with, nothing stung quite so much as Jacob. He had a face. He was in her life, he wanted her. Of course I was going to feel that pang of jealousy towards him.

"She did a lot of things she's not to proud off. I thought you were letting it go. You can't bring it up like this. You need to get over it, too. You better not ever slap her in the face with that one at any point. I know what you can be like when you're losing an argument." Her eyes were intense as she looked up. She was serious. Deadly serious and I knew if I crossed her she'd have my balls on a plate.

"I wont. I'm not going to mention it to her. It just gets at me...he seems so smug about it. He loves to gloat about it at any chance he can get."

"He's playing mind games with you, Edward." her voice grew. "Don't let him beat you. He thinks he's better for her. You need to show and prove to him that you're not going anywhere."

I laughed a little, the fact that Bella seemed to have the same thought about me. That I would just get bored and go.

"How badly do you want her, Edward. Really? Do you want a relationship or do you want to just help her and enjoy the benefits?" My eyes narrowed on her as she hid from the other side of her menu.

"Are you kidding me?" I snapped loudly. I quickly took in my surrounding and lowed my voice back down to normal. "I'm not using her-"

"I...I-" She tried to interrupt but I never gave her a chance.

"I'm not going anywhere. I want her. I want her to be mine." Looking down into my sister eyes I knew I could be as crazily honest as I wanted. In fact she would think my thoughts were normal. "I...I want everything with her. I want to make her mine." my voice lowered at my uncertainty to admit the truth so early on, so prematurely.

She smiled at me "You want to marry her?" She asked me to confirm my words.

"At some point...I know, it's crazy. I'm rushing. I need to see how she recovers and that we need normality...but I just don't want to ever be without her ever again, Alice." Leaning my elbow on the table I tugged on my hair and began to see those haunting memories.

"The way she hurts herself. The way it makes me feel...Alice, my life would be over if anything ever happened to her. I know it, I feel it. I see nothing beyond her. No real life."

Her tiny hand reached out for my other one. Dropping my menu, I clasped her hand, taking her support.

"I know I haven't done much with my life. I partied through school and never had a difficult day in my life with the exception of when we were adopted. Life just went by and I never asked questions. Nothing interested me and I became a doctor because dad had always encouraged me from the moment they got us." I shrugged. "Don't get me wrong. I know I'm lucky. I know it's great that I'm a doctor, that I even had the capability...just life was...meaningless and I didn't even notice. Bella came crashing into my life and I just can't imagine it going back to how it was."

I dropped her hand and clasped my own two, resting my chin on them. "The way she just goes around in my clothes...the way she jumps over my middle, trying to waken me up...those little kisses." I groaned internally. "I can't live without any of that and I need her back and I need her whole."

Her violet eyes looked back up at me, sympathetically. "I know you do, and you will. She just needs to see the world again. She locked herself off to it all and then you came out from nowhere. Just because you're trying to help her, doesn't mean she's going to be fixed instantly. You know its going to be a long road and a lot of hard work and understanding. Give her time and I know that she'll be yours.

"She loves you, she really does, but this is her life and it's how its been for a while now. Give her time and stick by her side. Even when she lets you down."

I knew what she was meaning. Bella was bound to have set backs and the only way that I would get what I wanted, was if I sat by her though all the lows too. It was only right and fair to ask of and it was something I would have done anyway. I was always going to be by her side. It wasn't only the good times I was preparing for.

"I know. And I will." I promised her. "I just want her to get out of this...whatever it is. That feeing of being in the dark. It's just so hard to sit and watch." It was excruciating. I didn't know if I would ever grow accustomed to the pain Bella felt. I doubted it.

"I know it is. But you are helping. Don't forget about that. You have already done a lot for her in such a short space of time."

"Have I really though?" It didn't feel like it.

"Yes." She snapped. "I can see it myself. The fact she is even speaking about it is amazing. She never told me anything. She trusts you."

I fingered the tip of my fork, sliding it across the white linen as I thought. I knew she trusted me. I knew she loved me. But was it going to be enough. When she was finished with pulling her life apart and rebuilding it, was there going to be space for me in it?

Was I _really_ what she needed or wanted?

I couldn't help the self doubt. She held my world in her hands and I really didn't think she had any true indication of hope I held in her.

* * *

_**a/n: I'm back...and I hope to begin to get these out a little quicker again. Thank you for being so patient!**_

_**Please review**_

**_Oh also - I have chapter 1 started of my new story - anyone wanna be a beta? let me know i want your thoughts on it too please._**


	28. If You Wish It, Wish It Now

If You Wish It, Wish It Now

**BPOV**

"...and then we could go shopping and we could go out to a gig or something. You'd come too, right, Edward?" Alice spoke at a rate of knots as she tried to arrange for me to have a weekend in Seattle when I was back home and when things would get back to normal somewhat.

I noticed the sullen look that Edward had worn since the moment I had saw him. He had smiled and kissed me as usual but there was something different about him. His small agreeing "hmm" to Alice was all I needed to know that his mind was most definitely else where. The question was, where was it?

"Me and Jasper could show you all the sights. We could go up the Space Needle and do some other sight seeing. You've never been to Seattle before..." Her words trailed off as you saw her face think of what else we could do.

With the exception of going out for coffee, I suppose I hadn't saw Seattle. Not really at least. We were just out of the main city and I hadn't saw the Space Needle or anything else for that matter.

I nodded agreeing but as she started of on another sightseeing tirade, my eyes landed on Edward again.

It made me nervous. He looked a little lost. As if he was looking for courage or strength.

Had I done this to him? Was he weak or exhausted with me? Did he want to leave me?

The promises were old. We had spoke about this so much yesterday, but that look on his face made me question him. Was he realizing now all that he promised? Was it too much for him to give to me?

He said he wouldn't leave me, but how could I hold him to that?

_People change. Love goes and things end._

My eyes looked down at the bedding below me as I felt my fingers caress the Saint Christopher that hung from my neck. A gift from Edward.

"...Then I'll be up for Christmas as well. We can get something sorted for then too..." Alice's words mumbled in to the background and I looked up at her giving a nod and a smile, pretending I was aware of what she was saying.

Edward seemed to snap out of his own little bubble before quickly announcing that he was going for a coffee and swiftly leaving us too it without even looking my way.

"...we could have like a weekend away-" Alice's rambled still continued but I needed to know if she had any idea as to why Edward seemed so distant. I interrupted her.

"Why is he like that?"I asked quickly, throwing her off of her plans.

Her eyes narrowed and she looked confused. "Edward." I confirmed to her as I jutted my head in the direction he had left for.

She waved me off. "Nothing, don't worry about him." She told me as if his behaviour was no concern at all.

"How can I forget it? Have you saw his face?" I asked in shock at her flippant words.

"He's Edward...he gets a little tense..." A small smile played on her lips, but I was sure she was trying to cover something up.

"I know who he is, but I also know he doesn't shut off like that, from nothing. Has something happened? Is he okay?" I was so self obsessed, I had never thought about Edward having any difficulties of his own. He was struggling with a new job and here he was, babysitting me on his only days off.

"He's fine. More than fine. He's just needing some time to think things through." She shrugged as if it meant nothing at all.

"Alice." I demanded. If something was wrong with him, I needed to know.

She sighed as she wiped at her face. "Bella, he loves you but he's worried that he will lose you. He sees himself, how deep he's in with you and he...he just needs a little validation that you will be there for him too."

"For him?" I asked amazed. Was my pleading for him to never leave me, not enough? What did he want from me?

"Bella, you could have killed yourself last week. How do you think he would have coped with that, huh?" She asked sharply.

"I...I I" I didn't know. He would have coped. He would have got through life without the hassle of me slowing him down.

"Exactly." She huffed at me. "You don't know. We'll I'll ask you this, if the rolls were reversed, how would you have coped?"

I frowned thinking. A life without Edward would be devastating. I really didn't know how I would cope or if I even would.

At the thought of it I felt a pang in my heart, the same as I felt when I thought about my mum. If it was possible, I would have sworn it hurt even more for Edward.

Edward couldn't ever leave me. I would die. I thought I had died after my mum, but I hadn't. I was still alive, but I struggled to cope. With Edward gone there really would be nothing to live for. There would be no hope at all.

He was my hope.

_He was my Saint. _

He was what I had clung on to all that time ago as I flew out from Katrina's wrath, even if I didn't know him.

With him gone, there really would be nothing left for me.

I looked across at Alice in disbelief. Was this how Edward really felt?

Did he see me as the only hope for him too?

He was so much richer in life, not by money, but his attitude. His will to fight and take on challenges. He was so strong. He could survive without me. I was sure of it.

"You wouldn't cope, so why do you expect him to be so much stronger than you?" She asked.

Why had I? "He _is_ stronger." I argued, my voice feeling frail at the prospects of never having him with me.

"He's strong, but that's because he has you and he knows that he needs you here. If he didn't fight for you, would you?" She gave me a moment to respond but I didn't.

"No you wouldn't." She told me simply. "He's holding on to you so tight, Bella. He loves you and he needs to know that you wont leave him too."

"You expect him not to feel hurt? You slept with him and then you did that to yourself." She slipped a space closer to me and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "You need to show him you're here for the long haul too, Bella. He feels like he's not enough for you."

"He is." I argued. "He's more than I deserve."

"That's your problem. You think you don't deserve him. You do. You deserve one another, you both deserve to be happy and to let this feeling of one deserting the other, to vanish. He's not leaving you, but let him know you're not leaving him either. He's waiting for it to get too much again and for him to be too late this time or that you will change your mind about him."

"I love him." I shouted to her. I did love him, I was in love with him.

"He wants forever, Bella and he wants it with you. Do you want him like that?" She eyed me cautiously.

I had never really thought about it, not really. I wanted him to stay with me, but I never really thought too far into the future. Really, I struggled to see my own future, never mind sharing it with Edward. I suppose I never thought about it in too much detail so I could save myself the pain if he was to ever leave me.

But thinking about it now. There was no doubt. I did want him for forever.

"I do." I nodded sure of myself, despite my voice only growing smaller.

"Well let him know. He wont admit it to himself, but he's still hurting from last week. I could see it in him last night." She looked up to the empty door way. Not another soul seemed to be around at present.

"Why did you let yourself be with him if you were going to try that?" Her voice was soft and the look of concern that washed over her face as she looked at me once again had the guilt swirl me.

"I don't know. I guess I just heard Rosalie's words. She's right though."

"No. She's. Not." Alice bit firmly as she gathered my hand in hers. "She was wrong. You know that, Bella. Stop blaming yourself for having a crappy run in life. It wasn't your fault and you need to stop beating yourself up about it."

"But she's right. I slept with people, I drank myself almost to my death-"

"I don't care what you did. It's what you do now that counts. You have a shot at a real life if you will just get yourself out of this damn mind set that you are so undeserving. Why do you think like that?" Her last sentence was demanding.

I sighed, frustrated. "I don't know, alright? I just see that Edward doesn't need this to add to his life. He deserves to be happy."

"But, Bella, he is happy. He's happy that he has you and he wants to make you happy too. What is so bad about that?"

"Because he could do better than me." I was so sick of hearing it. My own head rattled the words out and now I was screaming them at Alice.

"But it's you that he wants. Listen to me, he loves you, he would give his life for you. He wants to marry you."

My head snapped up at that one. "What?" I asked in serious disbelief.

She frowned. "I..I said too much. Just know he wants to be with you." She nervously looked away from me.

"Alice, what did you mean?" I could barley find the air to ask her. Was she serious or was this Alice being Alice once again.

She never answered me.

I grabbed at her hand, causing er eyes to snap up at me. "What did you mean, Alice?" I asked slow and deliberate.

She sighed again. "You know what I mean. You see it to. You're only kidding yourself on if you don't." She told me firmly as she snapped her hand back out of mine. "You know what your problem is? You don't want to face reality because it gets hard and sometimes you get hurt. I know it must have hurt like hell to lose your mum like you did, to go though any part of that. But Bella, that wont happen and if it does, that's really shitty and you will have to accept that loss. But you cant live on the outside all your days. All he wants is a promise that you will stay with him too."

"I did." I argued.

"Really? Or did you dance over his words and played blind to it?"

_Do you want forever?_

Oh god. His words rang in my ears. I never answered him. I kissed him, confirming my answer but there was no actual words. There was no 'yes' there was no promise of forever on my side. Was that what he meant? He wanted to marry me?

This was too much to handle. Too much to think about.

"He...he. Alice, what do I do?" I wanted him, I wanted to promise forever but I struggled. I felt panic build in me.

My breathing stuttered and I struggled to let my thoughts run clear.

My head was swamped.

My breathing became deep and laboured.

"Bella, are you okay?" I heard Alice's call but I couldn't focus.

The air was caught in the back of my throat and it wouldn't go. I gripped onto the bed covers as I felt myself fall forward into the mattress.

Still I couldn't breath.

Panic coursed through my veins.

"Bella." I heard his cry for me but it still never stopped what was happening. "Bella." his voice grew louder and I felt him tug on me, lifting me up to his warm arms.

Edward scent filled my lungs and despite his normal soothing quality, it wasn't helping.

"Bella, look at me. Just take slow breaths in and out." he pulled on my jaw, making my eyes meet with his. My vision was blurred with unshed tears.

He looked away, toward Alice as he questioned what had happened but his gaze was quickly back on me again as he made me copy his breathing.

_In._

_Out. _

_In. _

_Out._

The familiar jade calmed me more than his smell and his technique. In his eyes something shone out.

_Panic._

_Worry._

_Fear._

It was all the things I felt at prospect of loosing Edward. In his eyes I could see that vulnerability, that doubt.

Alice never meant to scare me like she had, and it wasn't the prospects of spending my life with Edward that had done it either, it was the simple fact that he loved me and that he was brave enough to ask me to be his. I just had never realized the depth of his words.

My breathing calmed and he held me in close to him. I couldn't see his eyes any more but it didn't matter. I had already saw what he had been trying to hide. He was just as scared as me.

* * *

Alice had left us too it and Charlie and Jacob were still, yet to show face so I took our quiet time and enjoyed it.

Sniffling, I wiped at my face trying to hide the tears that rolled down my cheeks.

_Crying, again._

The warmth of Edwards lips rested against the top of my head and his gentle rhythmical strokes were lulling me back to sleep once again.

We hadn't spoken since I had my little panic attack and I was thankful he was letting me regain my composition before taking to me about it.

He lay out across my bed and I lay on top of him, my legs lying between his.

I felt cold from the wet miserable October day we were having and I found my self pulling into the crook of his arm even more.

It felt like nothing could get me from here.

"Are you going to tell me what you were taking about?" His voice was low and soft. He was clearly trying to keep me calm and careful not to cause round two.

"Alice...she told me some things. Some things I hadn't realized..."My words trailed off into the air and I sat up a little so I was able to look him in the eye.

"When you said you wanted forever, yesterday, what did you mean?" The crease on his forehead appeared and he shuffled up a little, resting on his elbow.

The expression on his face told me he knew exactly what I was talking about. "Alice..." He gasped in annoyance.

"Don't blame her. You should have told me yourself if you were questioning me."

"Questioning you?" He gasped. "I'm not...we'll...I don't mean too. You just never answered my question and I suppose...I suppose I just thought that you didn't want me as much as I want you."

"I do. I thought I was telling you. I kissed you. I want forever and I'm sorry if you're questioning that, but unless you tell me that, I cant easy your worry."

"You want forever?" He asked carefully.

"Yes. But I need to know what that means to you. Alice said marriage, is that what you're looking for?"

The crease on his forehead deepened "Not like that, Bella. Not right now. I just want something solid so I know I get to keep you. _Something_..."

"You have my soul, Edward." He owned me in every way possible.

"I...I just love you too much. I know I do. I know the looks your father gives me. I know the concern in my dads eye when he saw I was getting to heavily involved. But I don't care. What I care about is how you are. I don't want you freaking out like this because Alice mentioned marriage."

He lay back and sighed as he closed his eyes. "We were talking last night. I told her the truth because she wont look at me as if I'm mad, even if I am. I'm not giving you a ring and I'm not down on one knee...I just wanted to know that you wanted me too, that you would stay with me."

Opening his eyes once again, he looked deep into mine. "I promise you everything. I haven't refused you a single thing but I don't get the same back. Not really. I'm just worried that at the end of all this, I don't get you. I don't get to keep you."

Of course he would always have me. Nothing was going to change that. I sensed it too, that despite everything going against us and my young age, we were meant for life.

"You get me. I _am_ yours." I promised him as I reached up for his cheek so that I could look him deep in the eye. "You think that I would have gotten this far without you? No, I wouldn't. I need you and I know that at the end of it, if there is an end, I still want you with me. You're the only one that has really fought to help me." It was true. No one else had tried, not really. "I tried so hard to keep it all in but you broke down those walls and you saved me, literally, and not just the once."

The green in his eyes sparkled with the emotion he held.

_He always would have me._

"Move in with me." he stated so simply that it almost went whizzing past me.

"What?" I asked in total shock. He wanted me to move in? Permanently?

"When this is over," He motioned to my rehab room "move in with me. You. All of you. All of your things."

Was this what he really wanted?

Would I even be allowed? My dad still held my rights. Somehow I didn't think he would be allowing something so...definite.

"Do you really want this or are you just panicking?" I was ready to hear the truth, I braced myself for the rejection, that he had jumped too quick in his offering.

"I want this. I want you." he promised. "You sleep at mine anyway." he reminded me.

"This is different though..."

He looked rejected. Defeated. "You don't have too if you don't want too." His tone was low and I could hear that I was crushing him by not giving a simple yes and jumping into his open arms at the offer.

"I want too." the firmness of my tone told him that. "My dad..." he was the issue.

"We can talk to him. He knows what we are now." He shrugged. "And if not, we will just wait until you can." it all seemed so easy. And I suppose it was.

_Too easy?_

I shook the negativity from my mind and let myself have the moment. To relish and enjoy the hope of my future with Edward. "Okay. I'll move in. That's what I want."

I smiled at him before I quickly connected our lips, desperate to quench the need I held for him.

I pulled into him closer, falling between the small space in his parted legs. Gripping onto his hair I deepened our kiss and pulling us closer together.

He broke away contact swiftly and tried to pull himself out from under me a little, steadying himself on his elbows. "Stop." he gasped.

Did he not want this?

I thought with him asking me to move in meant he wanted me.

"Don't you want me?" I asked a little shocked but I never meant for the words to come pouring out of my mouth.

He shook his head furiously. "Of course I want you. I just can't. Not here." he rested his forehead against mine. "Trust me love, I'm desperate for you. I just know I need to wait. I can handle that...I think." He smirked a little and I laughed at his honesty.

I pressed myself against him, trying to tease him a little and it was then I felt his obvious arousal.

_How the hell did I miss that?_

He growled a little at my action before he pushed me further off him. "Love, not here." He chided me but the amused tone still etched his voice.

"Okay...I'll behave." I laughed at the fact that it seemed like_ I _was trying to force myself onto _him_.

* * *

Alice had joined us again not long after and everything was fine.

We chatted away casually about my move after Edward had given her a brief telling off and telling her the conversation that had transpired as a result; me moving in with him.

"You need to decorate...I could help..." Alice smiled at me sheepishly and I rolled my eyes at her.

"Why don't we just wait and see what happens first. Then Bella and I will do what we want with the place." he shrugged as I still lay out across the bed with my head resting on his chest.

"This looks cosy." Charlie grunted at he came up to the door, surprising all of us. Jake was by his side too.

"Jake." Alice squealed as she jumped up out of her seat, throwing herself against him.

He was quick and caught her and embraced her in a tight hug.

"How you doin', Pixie?" He teased as he placed her back down onto her little feet.

"Not too bad." she nodded as she looked up at him. "Are you taller?" She asked as she sized him up. "I'm sure you are."

He laughed and nodded. "Six foot seven now." He stated proudly.

"Please don't get any taller. I feel small enough as it is." she laughed as she sized herself up against him. It looked as if there was almost two foot between them. He made her look impossibly tiny, as if she was some doll.

At my dad's arrival, Edward had swiftly moved out from his position on the bed. He still sat on it but his laid back demeanour was now gone.

I could sense he was a little uneasy about the prospect of going to Charlie and asking for his permission for me to move in, but it had to be done. He just didn't want to seem impolite and taking advantage of me stretched out on my bed. _Even if it was what I wanted._

Edward was looking amused at the way Jake and Alice got along. They had never been the best of friends but they got along for my sake and both were always friendly to one another. It was Jake and I, together, that had taken Alice on her first cliff diving expatiation, so they were friendly and trusting toward one another.

"So what was that about decorating..?" my dad asked politely, clearly aware of out conversation somewhat.

"Just discussing how to fix up my apartment." Edward jumped in a little panicked. "'I've been there over a month and it still looks like I've just moved in." He admitted a little sheepishly as he nervously rubbed at the back of his head.

I could tell by his tone he was worried about taking this to Charlie but I knew we had to do it. But right now was not the time.

I didn't know when would be the right time.

Charlie was off the conversation almost instantly, anyway. Charlie hadn't decorated the house since had had moved in with my mum before I was born.

"So I had asked Aro if we could do something...you know? Go out?" Charlie shuffled on his feet. "I just hadn't expected You and Alice." he directed his words to Jake and Jake nodded in response.

"I can go out?" I asked a little disbelievingly.

Sometimes I forgot that I was here due to my dads and Edwards say so. I wasn't actually a prisoner. Though it felt like it.

"Sure can." He smiled at me as I felt myself practically bounce. It was as if Alice had taken over my body. "What do you want to do?"

He was asking me? It was my decision. It felt like I had been given back a tiny part of my life.

I tried to think low key. To get out of here and spend time with my friends was enough for me. I couldn't care about the grandeurs of the city right now.

Practically springing from my seat, I looped my arm through my dads knowing what I wanted. "Can we go to that little coffee place, again?"

It had been so great when the two of us had went, I was desperate to take Alice. She would love that.

"Coffee?" Charlie asked surprised. "Were in Seattle and you want to go to a coffee shop, a ten minute ride away?" He shook his head laughing.

"I can see the city any time when I'm outta here. Right now I just want to catch up." I shrugged.

_Was I being stupid?_

Should I have wanted to run around the concrete jungle, just because I could or was it okay to spend time with the people I loved?

I had spent so long out of touch with myself that I suddenly felt I just wanted to take the moment and enjoy it. I didn't need to jump off of some cliff. I didn't need to try to seduce some guy and I didn't feel the need to get waisted.

I laughed at myself and my random thought of not wanting the alcohol to consume me.

Edward had made me feel like I never needed it but now I was realizing I didn't need it at all.

I wanted to feel something. I wanted to be normal and just be me.

Edward looked at me suspiciously as I tried to calm my wild smile that I knew played my lips. He narrowed his eyes at me, sizing me up and I could see the smile form on his mouth also.

_This was it. _

_Life was beginning again._

* * *

**_a/n: Okay so i forgot to post this...Sorry - on the up side - double post! _**


	29. If You Wish It, Wish It Loud

If You Wish It, Wish It Loud

**EPOV**

Walking thought he damp streets of Seattle, Bella practically bounced her way over the paving.

I couldn't think if I had ever saw so much life in her before. She was alive. _She was electric_.

Only a few moments before my left hand had been warm as she held onto it but now she was almost swinging off of Alice's side a few steps in front.

Jacob had made no effort to talk to me but he seemed to get on pretty well with Alice, the two of them a few steps ahead, now Bella joining them up in front.

We were going to get a cab around but apparently it wasn't that far to walk and the rain had ceased making Bella want to go out an enjoy the fresh air.

We couldn't really blame her. She had been cooped up inside all week.

I wiggled my lose fingers, the cold weather getting to them without Bella to keep me warm.

"So..." Charlie huffed in a low voice, his eyes darting up to make sure his words weren't heard. "You want her to move in with you?"

_Shit._

He had heard us?

I wasn't lying. There was no way I could.

I looked up at him and tried to hide my shock and gave a silent nod before looking back to the three in front of us. "We were going to talk to you about it first...ask you..." We were. We hadn't actually said it, but we both knew that that was what we would need to do.

He rubbed at his face. He was clearly frustrated with the thought of it.

"I don't like it." He told me honesty as he eyed me up.

"I'll look after her." I argued back instantly, my tone showing my desperation.

"It's not about that, Edward. I know you will." he sighed as he looked out to Bella. She was about six feet in front of us and all you could hear from her was laughter as she hung from Jacobs back.

It made me more than a little jealous but I was glad to hear her laugh like she was. The three of them were in their own little world and I wondered if this was how they were before we had pulled Alice away from her.

"She's happy. I can see that." He was right. This was something new for Bella. A new lease of life. "But I don't want her to think she can only be happy if she's with you. This relationship that the two of you have gotten into, its like some kind of dependency. She doesn't need a life like that again."

"I know." I agreed. I knew what he saw. She had swapped her life with alcohol to a life with me, but truthfully, it wasn't like that at all. She had survived this week without me. I knew it was hard and I knew it had upset her but I also knew it wasn't only me that had put the smile on her face today. "But it isn't like that at all though. She's mending but I still know there will be days of hell for her too. I'm not expecting it to be easy."

Charlies face changed and it showed panic.

"Charlie, don't think that this is her fixed. She's having a good day and maybe tomorrow she'll have a good day too and maybe the next day as well. But one of these days, this week, I know she will come crashing back down. She's going to have highs and low and there going to happen at an alarming pace..." my words trailed off into the air and I wondered if he knew what was to come.

"Look, all I mean is that some days will be hard for her." He looked at me with his concern showing. "This is what she needs." I motioned to Jake and Alice and he understood that she needed people, her friends around her.

His stepping slowed and he turned to me a little and I knew he had something to ask. He wanted my thoughts on something. "How long do you think until she's..." he frowned. "God I hate this word...normal?"

I sighed exasperated. He had been here all week with her. Didn't he know how it worked. "A day at a time, Charlie." I bit to him to take this seriously, that she just wasn't going to wake up one day and have everything back to how it was before she lost her mum and the accident.

"I know, I know. But your planing so far ahead. Why can't I?"

"I'm not. I asked her to move in with me because I love her. I want to be with her all the time. I'm sure you can understand that. You were married once."

His eyes narrowed at me. I waited for some sort of berating, but it never came. "I suppose I can understand that."

_That was it?_

I was waiting for something else. That Bella was too young, that I was too old. That I needed to find someone else my own age.

"I married Renee at eighteen," his words were even lower if possible. His eyes looked tired as they met mine again. "...and I still do." he shrugged. My heart clenched for his pain the loss that he had but had kept quiet on. "Sometimes that's just the way it goes. You meet someone at eighteen and then their your whole world. I don't care that your older, Edward. I don't. Not any more. I just worry for you."

"For me?" I asked surprised.

"No offence, but your a little intense. " He laughed a little awkwardly with a shake of the head. "I know that you care about her. I have already saw that you would do anything for her. I just don't want you to get so consumed by her that you feel there is no one else for you."

"There isn't." I argued. "I don't want anyone else."

He laughed a little again. "And I should be on top of the world that that's how you feel. But I know what it's like when they just walk away."

"She wont though." Was it really me on Bella's side here? That I had more faith in her than her own father?

"Edward, I love her. She's my daughter but I know what she's like."

"No." I shouted at him. I never meant too and I never meant to gather interest from the others either.

Bella quickly jumped down from Jakes back and was by my side instantly.

"What's going on?" She demanded as she looked up at her father.

We all kept walking but Bella kept looking up at Charlie for some sort of response.

"We were just talking..." he muttered.

Her jaw tightened. "And you had a go at him?" She accused.

"Bella, no..." I tried to tell her it was a miss understanding but she silenced me by raising her hand.

"We were just talking..." he muttered again, trying to keep it quiet.

"About what?" She pushed.

"Bella. It's fine. Nothings wrong. Just let us talk." I pleaded.

She looked up at me and I could see the rage sweep across her face.

"I'm not some kid, Edward. You can't tell me what to do."

"This is exactly what I mean." Charlie added and I could see the confusion and the rage combine.

She looked furious.

"Tell me. I want to know. What were you saying about me."

"Nothing..." I tried to play it down as I let out an awkward groan. Alice eyed me up suspiciously. But there was nothing to say.

"I was trying to warn him how much of a pain on the ass you would be if you moved in with him." Bella's face fell as she looked up at me.

"_You asked him_?" She shouted at me. "You asked him without me? Don't you think I deserve to at least be part of that conversation."

"I overheard you three talking. So did Jake." Charlie snapped at her. Bella quickly turned to face Jacob and he nodded, agreeing. "I was having a conversation with Edward. It didn't involve you. I was asking him to reconsider."

"Why? Why can't I move in with him?" She was getting this all wrong.

Charlie was concerned for me, not for Bella. I had understood his words and he was sure she would leave me, and maybe she would. But it was something I was willing to risk. I would take that heartbreak if it was what she really wanted – to leave me.

"I was worried about Edward. He loves you and would do anything for you. I know you would be safe but I just want you to wait until you are on your feet a little more." His tone was soft and soothing.

"I want to live with Edward." She shouted like a demanding kid. She wasn't helping her self any.

"I know you do and right now that's my choice but Aro thinks that you could be given your rights back soon enough and then that will be your decision." He sighed again and rubbed his head in frustration. "I'm not going to stop you in the mean time. You do your time here and once they say you can go home, it's up to you where you decide to go. I'm just worried you're doing it for the wrong reasons."

"We're not." She told him. "I want this. I want to be with him and only him." her eyes fell to the ground and I could see the hurt in Jacobs eyes. He turned to face the other way and Bella looked over her shoulder to see his back to her.

"I need all my friends and I need you too dad, but I'm not doing this for the wrong reasons. I'm doing it because I know it will make me happy." She smiled up at him before nervously twitching. "Did you mean what you said? That it's up to me?"

"It's your life Bells. Just make sure you do what's right for you. I'm not stopping you but if I see any reason for intervention and I still have your rights. I'll use it. I trust Edward." He looked up at me. "He's been with you through a lot in such a short space of time. That's my only worry. Maybe you should see how you both feel when your back out of rehab and if moving in is what you want, then fine, fair enough. But you can still live at home and be with him too. You stay at his enough before hand." He laughed a little.

She nodded at him then turned to me. "We'll come back to this once I can go home."

I nodded agreeing. I wanted Charlie to see that we were serious, but that Bella's recovery was truly my main priority.

* * *

Coffee had been great. I had sat and watched Bella, amazed as she still stayed to close to Alice. Her contact with Jake was also pretty close but could read from their body language that I had nothing to worry about. And I trusted her.

Charlie had kept quite about the whole moving in thing and I suppose it was best to make that decision when it was needed.

But I had understood Charlie. He was concerned that Bella would change her mind on us and that it was me who was going to be left standing alone.

In one way it angered me. That just because Renee had done it to him, that he thought Bella would do it to me. But I was also touched that he held faith in me to look after Bella that he trusted me.

The day had been good and the smile Bella wore, was infectious.

She seemed to have rounded some corner, but I knew she wasn't through with her therapy. It was still going to be a long road.

Kissing her goodbye was a little gut wrenching to say the least knowing that I was going to have yet again another long week, alone, ahead of me.

The sad look in her eyes began to fill again and I didn't want to leave her.

We both knew how long the week would feel without the other.

I reminded her that we had forever and that a week was a small price to pay and she agreed. She promised she would take on everything Aro would say to her and that she was determined to get better as soon as she could.

I knew it wasn't going to work like that but to see her so determined and to have a goal to reach for, it made me ecstatic.

I was sitting in my car ready to go as Jake filled my trunk with his bag. He got in silently and buckled up without a word.

He looked kinda glum.

I didn't know why he looked so down but it wasn't my place to ask so I started the engine and began the long drive home.

Driving for an hour and a half, not one word had been spoken between the two of us. Only the music played through and even that was pretty quiet.

Trying to break the tension a little, I tried to make conversation.

"Are you glad you want?" I asked carefully. The two had made up but maybe there were still doubts in his mind.

"Yeah." was all he gave and even then it was barley audible.

I nodded.

The car fell into silence again.

"So you think you two can be friends again?" I prodded a little needing to know that he would be there for her like she needed him to be.

He scoffed at my words. "Yeah. Great friends." he let out sarcastically.

Something was up with him. "What's your problem? Are you not happy to have her back?" I asked a little annoyed.

I had put myself out there for him and he didn't even seem to care.

"I'm happy for her. I'm happy she's getting her life back on track and I'm happy that she realizes she doesn't need all those guys. No, now all she needs is you." He practically roared at me.

"Seriously?" I asked incredulously. "This is about me? You have a problem with me and her?"

"My problem..." he snapped. He sighed and shook his head. "I see it okay. You have her. Its you two against the world." He sighed again and rubbed at his head. "I just hope you now how lucky you are to have her?"

"I do." I croaked out. My voice felt frail and weak.

"Good. Just don't mess her about." he looked out to the window "I just can't believe you are moving in together. You have been here five minutes and your moving in together..." He sighed but still never looked back to me.

"I wont mess her about." I promised. "And I know it seems quick, but our situation...it's different." Bella and I had never been like other couples. We had went out and about around town a few times, but that was only ever to the shops or what not. We had never actually been on a date.

We had never been on a date.

Well with the exception of Emmett's wedding.

That hit me like a ton of bricks. Not that I felt it was needed, just that we never had really been normal. We hadn't even tried.

We hadn't actually become a couple until she had been admitted to the rehab center and even then that was at my doing.

When she was feeling a little more up to it and of course, back home, I was going to do it all. It's what she deserved.

* * *

After dropping Jacob off in LaPush, I headed back to my parent's house knowing that I still didn't want to return to my empty apartment.

I would when Bella was back with me. But for the moment I was just happy to know I could go to my parents and have them for company.

Parking my car in the drive, I headed inside as I called on them.

My mothers voice called back in reply and a few moments later I saw her head corner the door to the living room.

She greeted me warmly and hugged me tight as she asked how Bella was doing.

"Do you know when she'll get back home?" She asked hopeful as she curled her legs below her on the couch next to my father. He gave a small nod and smile as a greeting.

Throwing myself back into the couch I shrugged. "No. Charlie never said. I don't think Aro will say until later this week. She said she felt like she had some progress thought."

My mum gave a nod in understanding. "What about Jacob? You didn't hit him did you?" She asked me but I knew she was teasing.

"No, he made it out alive, sadly." I joked back.

My mother knew all that had gone on between Jacob and I and knew that a fight was possible if we both wound up each other enough. But luckily that had never happened.

"The boy survives another day? I am impressed." My dad joked back with a small grin.

He looked over at me and I could see the the seriousness shadow his features. "Alice called us and said that you asked Bella to move in with you? Are the two of you ready for that?"

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back as I let out a long sigh. "Yes. I think we are. We're not they same as every one else. We haven't even had a date." I admitted.

"Exactly." he jumped in. "Maybe try that first. You don't need to push on so fast. You have all the time in the world." He argued gently.

I sat up and looked him deep in the eye. "Do we?" I asked seriously.

_Do we?_

It was a reasonable question.

Nothing was concrete.

_Everything could change in a flash. _

"Pardon?" He asked a little confused. My mum shuffled on her seat and looked at me, interested.

"Do we have all the time? Her mum is dead. She almost never made it out of that place herself. Does she really need to wait for something that would make her happy?"

He was a little speechless for a moment. "Edward...You can be with her and enjoy it all..." I didn't know if he was finished. He shrugged and he looked a little lost.

"All he was trying to say is, give it a little time. It doesn't need to be months...just a few weeks."

"We are...well we might. We are going to sort it out when it needs to be sorted out, when Bella comes back home."

My dad still looked a little worried "That's not the worse idea."

"I know." I agreed, because maybe it wasn't. It was what needed to be done. I knew I wanted to rush and give her everything she wanted but at the same time, I needed to think about what she really needed as well.

As we spoke, we heard a faint noise coming from down the hall. And voices.

"Hello. Anybody in?" Emmett's loud voice called to us.

My mum shot up in her seat, surprised. They weren't mean to be back from honeymoon for another week.

"Emmett?" My mother called back as she rushed to her feet and to the door.

_Rosalie._

I heard her voice in the background. It was quiet but she was laughing away.

I rushed to my feet, desperate to get her for the damage she had caused.

My dad was quick on my heels though and grabbed hold of my shoulder, stopping me.

"Edward, take it easy. Its done with now." I knew he was only trying to calm me, make me try and forget it ever happened, but I couldn't.

Bella could have killed herself if I hadn't have stopped her and it was all Rosalie's fault.

I pulled away from him sharply and rushed out into the hall.

"You evil fucking bitch." I spat at her, I was at a complete loss at what to actually say to her, other that what I truly though of her.

Her face fell and she stumbled back a step in surprise at my tone. "Wh...Wh..." She looked completely shocked and at a total loss for words.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Emmett stepped in front of Rosalie, to try and shield her away from me. But it wasn't going to work.

"She knows what I'm talking about." I shouted over his shoulder as I tried to get at her, him stopping me.

I felt my mother tug on my wrist and try to pull me back but she couldn't stop me either. I had waited almost a week to get this out of me and to face Rosalie.

"Edward, not now. Please." my father begged but his words were falling on deaf ears.

"She almost died because of you. She took pill after pill to try and die. Because of what you said to her." I snapped at her and I could see her flinch from behind her husband.

"Tell him what you said to her. Tell them all."

She still stood there in shock. She looked like a deer in damn headlights or something.

"Tell them." I roared.

"Edward, stop." My mum reached for my cheek and pulled my face to meet hers. She had a hard job of it as I kept my neck stiff so my eyes cold pierce into Rosalie's.

"No. She could have died. All so Rosalie could get in a cheap shot." I looked to my mum briefly and I could see panic flood her eyes.

"What are you talking about?" Emmett asked, infuriated.

"Tell him." I gritted.

Rosalie still stayed quiet as if she was looking for the world to swallow her up whole. Emmett was never going to like it.

She still never made a move to speak. So I did. "She went after Bella at the wedding." I looked Emmett in the eye to know just how serious this was and that I wasn't lying. "She told her to stay away from me and that she didn't like her because of the gossip." I looked into the air trying to remember her words. "What was it you said to her, that you were raped but she lay down and asked for it?" I glanced back at Emmett to see his eyes bulge in pure shock.

He sharply turned to face Rosalie just as her tears began. The might work on him, but they would never work on me.

"You said that?" He asked in disbelief.

Rosalie wiped at the tears on her face but his glare never faltered. "Did you say that?" He shouted at her.

She jumped with fright at his sharp tone and looked to the floor as she gave a weak nod, admitting to it.

The deep breaths that he took showed that he was trying to gain his own control. After seeing him with Bella in the past, I knew he cared for her and what had happened was not expectable, even if it was Rosalie's doing.

"Why? Why did you need to do that?" He snapped at her but his voice was weirdly low.

She swallowed hard as she looked up to him. "I was trying to protect Edward." her words were a whisper. She was scared. I knew Rosalie never feared Emmett, but now I was beginning to see a new side to her. She would be worried in case this was too much for him and he left her.

"Edward doesn't need protecting." He told her sharply as he crossed his arms across his chest.

"Do you want Edward to be associated with someone like her?" She asked seriously as she looked around in the hope of one of us agreeing. But no one was.

"Some one like her?" I jumped forward a step, desperate to do something to her. To make her feel the pain I had felt when I had to force the salt water down Bella's throat. The pain I felt when I knew Bella believed Rosalie's words more than mine. "You don't know the first thing about her. You don't know anything because you never care about anyone but yourself." I was seething and still pressing forward but Emmett held me back and my mums hand still cuffed around my wrist.

"Its not true. I care about you. I care about you all. But look what she did with Alice. Not just the drugs, but everything else. The people around here talk..." She tried to shrug it off, to show she was right, but she was still so very wrong. Wrong about it all.

"She tried to kill herself because of what you said to her. She thinks you are right, that that is what she is. But she's wrong and so are you." I shouted at her, I thought a vein was going to pop in my neck with the rage that coursed me.

"I had to force her to be sick. She has bruises up around her neck from me." I spat furiously. "I did that to keep her alive."

"How is she?" Emmett asked tiredly but also concerned.

"She's alive." I directed my words at Rosalie. "She's getting help. She's doing good and she's a lot fucking stronger than _her_." I told Emmett.

He nodded as he put his hand on my chest, pushing me back slightly again as I tried to move forward into Rosalie's space.

Rosalie only looked at the floor.

"Are you even listening?" I really don't think she cared that much. Still.

She looked up at me and she wiped the tears away but it was only because she was being called out on her actions, not that she actually cared what the end result of them was.

"Son, maybe give the two of them a moment." My dad tugged on my shoulder once again but she didn't deserve a moment to try and paint the picture to how she wanted it to look, but Emmett deserved a moment to let it sink in and just know what his wife was capable of doing to others he cared about.

I didn't want to face anyone. I didn't want to hear any comforting words or any phoney apologies. All I wanted was Bella and right now I couldn't have her.

I nodded agreeing with my father and raced up the stairs to my old room and slammed the door behind me.

I knew I could have handled the situation better, but I didn't want to. I wanted her to feel all the guilt she could and for her to realize that her words had impact. She was so self centred it was unbelievable.

I reached for my old bed and threw myself back onto the duvet letting it all sink in.

I didn't know how I was going to handle having Rosalie around when Bella was so clearly my future.

All I knew was Rosalie had been wrong and for that, I would never forgive and I would never forget.

* * *

Waking up the next day I was met with my mother and a sympathetic face. She smiled at me and fussed over me, cooking my breakfast.

She never mentioned Rosalie and I was thankful. My father was silent on the conversation, knowing it would be something we could talk about after work.

I knew that they wouldn't have liked how I lashed out at Rosalie but at the same time I knew they understood why I had.

Getting into work, it went in quick. My day consisted of patient then paperwork, patient then paperwork. It was constant but it kept me busy and had made a conscious effort not to try and think about Bella all day even thought my gut was already telling me I needed her.

Getting home that night I spoke briefly about my thoughts on Rosalie. Emmett came by to apologize and to tell us that they had came back early from honeymoon because Rosalie was missing home and that also they were going to have a baby.

Of course the previous night events had put a dampener on there haplessness, but I was still pleased for them, knowing it was what they had always wanted.

I went home that night back to my own apartment, leaving Emmett to revel in his happiness the way he deserved and also for my mum and dad to enjoy it too. I knew they would be thrilled.

Crawling into the empty bed, I felt a strange sensation pulse through me. It wasn't happiness but it wasn't sadness either. I felt as if I was stuck in the in-between.

My life felt like it was on pause until I got to see Bella again. Until she got to come back home.

I had came here for a fresh new start, coming because some feeling refused to leave me, telling me to come back here. And with it, I came across Bella and she had been the only real person, with the exception of my family, that I had spent any time with.

At work, Tanya had been great. She had been someone I could lean on.

It never bothered me though. Not really.

It was only fair that I sat out my time alone when I knew Bella felt the same.

We would be together soon, but until then, I had the weekend to look forward too.

* * *

**_a/n: Please review - i only had three from last week! let me know what you are thinking!_**


	30. Greet The Brand New Day

_**a/n: HUGE feck off apology for the time but I have a real excuse – I had HEART surgery...and now about 3 weeks of bed rest ;) oh how will I fill my time...?**_

**Greet The Brand New Day**

**BPOV**

"So do you want to tell me more about possibly moving in with Edward?" Aro asked as he gazed at me from his side of the room.

He shuffled a pad on his knee as he crossed his legs and took aim to take some notes at my words.

"What do you want me to tell you?" Did he want to know why I was doing it or how I felt about doing it? It really didn't matter anyway, he would want to know both answers.

"Do you feel its something that you need to do right now?" He asked simply.

I fidgeted with my saints bracelet, the one that Edward had given to me and I thought about why I was really doing it. "I suppose I do, yes." I looked across at him meeting his eyes. "I mean what's the point in waiting? All it means is you might not get what you want if you don't go after it quick enough." I shrugged and a little shocked at my own honesty.

"So you don't feel that this is perhaps a slightly reckless move? A lot like things you have done in the past?" He eyes me a little sceptically.

Was he being serious?

I had flirted with danger constantly and the moment I decided to be with something solid he was questioning it.

"No." I spat a little sharply then sighed relaxing into my answer. "I mean...I know the things I've done. But they were stupid things. Being with someone you love isn't stupid. Is it..?" I asked a little hesitantly, wondering if it were possible.

"This situation, for you, Bella; No I don't think it is. Edward seems to genuinely have your best interest at heart."

"But do you think its stupid?" I asked needing to know his opinion. "If you were me, would you do it?"

"Like I asked, Bella, why do you feel you need to do it right now?" He squiggled down a note and looked back up at me waiting on an answer.

"Because I love him, I want to be with him and like I said, why wait if it might disappear." I chewed on my lip wondering if he had heard the answer he was looking for.

"Do you think he might disappear? Do you worry that if you don't do it now, he will lose interest?"

_Ouch._

That one was pretty sharp. But it wasn't my reasoning.

"No. We want to be together. I know he wont leave me. He would give me all the time in the world if I asked him, but why wait for tomorrow?" I flapped my hands out to show him the urgency of us to be together because it might not last. "There might never be a tomorrow." I urged him to see that even though I was rushing it, it was only because I had learned not to sit by the edge and watch life pass me by. No one knew when there last day was, so why worry about rushing to be with the one you loved. I saw no wrong in that.

"I'm impressed." he gave a small smile at me and I smiled back. "I was sure your answer was going to be "to get away from Charlie"." He laughed a little and so did I.

I would miss my dad but I knew that everyone had to grow up and move on at some point. If it wasn't for the whole nightmare of the storm and losing my mum, I wouldn't have even have gotten to know Charlie like I had. Besides he was going to be near by and he would still always be my dad.

"Tempting..." I muttered with a hint of sarcasm so he knew I wasn't serious.

"Do you think you and Edward will adapt okay to living with one another? The two of you already spent an awful lot of time together, do you think that maybe if you do move in together that you should perhaps make a point in spending time away from one another so not to become completely alien to others and too dependant on one another."

"Do you think that's what we should do?" I asked seriously. He was the best person to ask. I wanted to do this right and I would do whatever he thought was best. As long as he never discouraged our moving in with one another, altogether.

"I do, yes." he told me firmly. "Its easy to become wrapped in one another and become your own little unit as you think about the future the two of you want to have together. But you also need to remember that you do need others in your life as well."

I nodded agreeing to his words.

"You have friends in other places, go spend time with them as well. You are young and you have little real responsibility at present. There is nothing wrong with taking advantage of that situation, providing you do it sensibly."

I felt my smile widen at his words. He wanted to make sure that when I left here that I held on to my own life and my own identity as well as being with Edward. It made perfect sense to me. And what I had planned on doing. He was just pointing out the obvious to makes sure I never forgot my need to recover, as I still would be, a long time after leaving this place.

_That was Monday._

Speaking to Edward on the phone that evening he seemed distant once again. I prodded him for information to his lyrical awkwardness and at it I had learned that Rosalie was back from honeymoon.

It never bothered me too much. Okay, there was some deep rooted panic within me somewhere knowing that she was back in Forks and that I would one day, soon, have to face her if I wanted to continue with my life like Aro and I had planned.

I tried not to let it consume me too much though. She was a small hurdle that I planned on running at head first. There would be no argument from me, only the satisfaction in looking her in the eye and knowing Edward was right. I was tougher than she could imagine. That I was worth something and that I was worthy or Edward.

"Do you think you will see her again? At your parents, maybe?" I tried to see if he was going to have another go at her. I really didn't want to imagine their meeting but I knew it wouldn't have been pretty.

"No. I'll just stay in the apartment this week. I'll keep out of her way. Emmett is ecstatic and he should get to be happy and let my mum and dad fuss over the pair of them..." His words trailed off and I felt a little confused.

Was Esme and Carlisle that forgiving? Would they just ignore what she had said because she had missed them?

"Did they not say anything to her...you know, about it?" I paused a little wondering if all their kindness towards me had been just for show.

"I don't know. I had spoke to Rosalie when she got back then I went to my old room. I spoke about it with them in the morning, but I don't know if they said anything to her...There probably too excited about the baby." his tone was distant and I wondered if he was even here with me.

"Baby?" I asked a little confused.

"Yeah. I was right...She's due in six months." his words sounded so vague, as if he wasn't even sure.

"That's nice...you know its good that they get what they want." my voice broke a little at things seeming so easy for Emmett and Rosalie. I knew that she had heartache of her own and I knew that if it had ever happened to me, I wouldn't know how to go on. But she had. It just seemed like she got it easy now. I knew how messed up and wrong that thought was and I hated myself a little for ever thinking it.

"I miss you..." Edwards voice was a little broken as well and I hated that I couldn't go to him. He was alone and I really wished that I could be with him. "I love you. I can't wait till you get back home."

"To our home?" I gently teased, hoping that he still wanted me.

He gave a small warm laugh down the line and I felt a warm sensation from it. "Yeah, our home, Love." I beamed at his endearment that he always so readily used.

"Just promise me Alice wont decorate it?" He teased back.

"Okay, I promise. But as long as you help me out a little." I smiled down the line and I wished I could see his face. If only to get me through the night without being so alone.

"It's a promise." I could hear the smile in his tone and I felt a little lighter at leaving him for the night in a better mood than when our conversation had first started.

"I need to go." I told him as the warning flashed on the little screen in front of me on the pay phone.

"I know. I'll speak to you later, beautiful."

"Night." The word was a hush as I heard the phone cut out.

_Tuesday was a bad day._

I had carried Edwards tone with me through the night and my sleep was restless, worrying about him and the fact that he was planning on avoiding his family.

Jane looked up from her bed and I could see her attempt to make my day better. She had saw me come and go all day and I struggled to make a genuine smile like the one she kept giving me.

Reaching our room, I walked in to find her on her front, drawing but I had no energy to go and see the picture she was creating. I had saw other drawings that she had drew while in rehab and her talent was starting. I could only ever wish to have a percentage of the skill she had, when she drew.

Lying out on my back I could see her little bun bob away as she continued before she pushed herself of the mattress and practically skip to my bedside.

She looked down at me with a beaming smile as she held out the drawing towards me.

"What?" I asked a little too flatly. Couldn't I even be pleasant now?

"Take it." She shook the sheet in front of me, clearly somewhat proud of it. "It's for you."

I let out a tired sigh and sat up in bed taking it from her hand. Looking it the picture it was of a woman, her head covered. Only her face was reviled. She also held a long stemmed lilly in her hand, smaller flowers off shooting from the main stem.

Looking at it I knew it was a Saint and I even knew who she was and what her attributes were. One of her attributes was against sexual temptation.

"_Really?_" I asked with a smirk as I looked back up a Jane.

"Well I thought you could do with all the help you can get." She shrugged with a laugh.

I have to say I was impressed. Not only at the drawing and her talent and the fact that it was a saint, but just the general humour. I burst out laughing and I couldn't help but smile.

She had tried all day to get it out of me and she finally managed.

The Saint was Saint Catherine of Siena. Her story goes that she cut off her hair and vowed chastity for life and joined the Dominican order though lived away from the convent and stayed with her family. She gave away food and clothing that belonged to her family and despite her generosity, it cost her family.

Jane sat down on the edge of my bed and reached for my hand. Her expression was indescribable. She looked a little worried. "You know you are going to be okay, don't you?" Her tone was serious and it made nervous. I nodded at her words with a little apprehension

"I'm leaving..." She told me as her eyes began to well up.

_She was leaving?_

_She was leaving me here, alone?_

It was hard to hear but I _had_ to accept it.

It was good news though. Really, I was happy for her.

Tears began to fall from her eyes and she wiped at her cheeks. "And your crying, why?" I asked while trying to inject a little humour into my tone but I wasn't sure it was working.

"Because I have to leave you. And I don't want too." Her breath was stuttered a little and she gave a small shrug. "You've had a bad day and I really didn't want to tell you."

I shook my head. "No. Don't be crazy. This is good. This is great." I reached for her pulling her into a tight hug to show her that I was genuinely pleased for her.

We hugged for a few moments in silence before we broke away.

"When do you go home?" I asked as I wiped away my own tears. I was sad to see her go but it would be better to see her on the outside. This wasn't the end for us.

"Tomorrow." She smiled at me with her streaky cheeks.

"That's amazing. You will get to see your boyfriend again." I cheered.

"Do you think I'll be okay back out there?" She motioned her head to the window.

"You are going to be just fine. If Aro thinks its time, its time." I nodded sure of myself. She had always seemed so strong in comparison to me, how could she be doubting herself?

She nodded and let out a little nervous laugh. "I'm going home." She cheered a little.

–

That nights sleep wasn't good either.

I had no Edward and now Jane was leaving me.

I hadn't really grew attached to anyone else and I wondered if that was a good thing. It was a little reminder to myself that it hurt when people left me. But she wasn't gone for good. She was still alive and kicking and we would be able to meet up in the future.

I was determined not to have any set backs due to this.

On Wednesday I cried to Aro for a good hour. We talked about loss once again. We delved deep into discussion about my mum and about Jane leaving.

Talking about my mum was hard, but it wasn't impossible and I found the words coming out my mouth pretty easy. It was as if Jane's imminent departure had opened up a whole new can of worms.

Good worms, though.

_I think._

My afternoon session with Aro and Charlie went even better than my one alone and once again I found the words slipping out of my mouth.

I had explained that losing Jane was going to be hard, but also it was a good thing.

Aro pointed out it was a positive from a negative.

He liked to point that one out as much as he could, it seemed.

It wasn't necessarily a positive for me, not right now at least, but it was for Jane, and he told me to remember that there was still a whole world and an abundance of time once I got out of rehab.

We talked more about my fears of people leaving.

_My dad ever dying._

_Edward ever walking away._

_Jake wanting nothing to do with me._

_Alice deciding to put more distance between us._

During the session I admitted that I knew I had no control of what would happen with any of them. I just had to learn to have a little faith. Faith that no one would leave me and faith, that if they did, I would get through it.

As soon as my session with Aro and Charlie was over, I rushed to say my goodbyes.

Reaching our room, I found her sitting there packed and ready to go.

"You took your sweet time." She jokingly bit at me.

"You know Aro..." I sighed as I reached her and wrapped my arm around her, Jane doing the same thing.

"So do you promise me that you'll get through this and behave when you get out?" She asked seriously.

I pulled away from her too look at her face. "Of course. I'll be good."

"No deviant acts? No seducing strangers? No seducing friends? No drinking? No crazy motorcycle driving? No crazy cliff diving? Anything else I forgot..?" She asked with a grin.

"God, I do have a _lot _of bad habits." I laughed. "But I promise, I'll be good...with the exception to the cliff diving. It's fun. I'll take you one time." I told her a little excitedly, half planning a future meeting.

"No, no, no. You will never get _moi_ jumping off the side of a cliff – Ever!" She told me with a hand on the hip and a point of the finger. "But we'll meet up soon. We're not that far from one another." She shrugged.

I nodded at her words and I could feel my eyes well up again. "I'm gonna miss you." I quickly pulled her into me so for her not to see my tears. I knew I looked like hell already with all my crying but I didn't want this to be her last image of me.

"Remember I'm only a phone call away. _Call me_. Whenever you want too. Even in the middle of the night." I nodded into the crook of her neck as I felt her sooth me with her fingers through the ends of my hair.

I pulled away once again. "And no hair pulling. You want to do that, you call me. _Even in the middle of the night._" I copied her words.

She nodded and I could see her eyes well up a little too. "I better go. My parents are out in the hall. They thought it was best we said our goodbyes alone."

I nodded at her words as she picked up her holdall and slung it over her shoulder.

She patted my shoulder and gave a small wink along with her parting words "I'll see you soon...".

With that she walked out and walked out of _our_ little bubble.

_Now I didn't know who I was going to lean on._

That night, I slept alone. Not another soul in the room with me.

_I cried._

Not because I felt alone, but because for the first time in a long time I was alone and I was okay with that. I was content.

They weren't happy tears, but they weren't sad ones either.

–

Wakening up in the morning I had a nurse shake me. "Bella. Time to get up, sweetie." She called so caring.

I opened my eyes and let out a small yawn. I felt refreshed. I had cried but they only lulled me into a peaceful slumber that lasted the entire night.

Looking out the window I could see the wet and windy day form and it still caused a knot in my stomach. But I knew what I wanted to do.

I quickly got ready and dressed for the day before hunting down Aro before he began his day of sessions. I knew I would see him later but right now I wanted out. I wanted out to face the wind and rain and I wanted to do it now.

"Aro..." I called out to him as I rand down the hallway towards him.

His head turned in my direction and he smiled at me. "Bella, how are we today?" he asked polity.

"Good actually." I smiled. "That's what I was wanting to ask." I smiled and waited for him to indicate for me to continue.

He nodded, so I did. "Its raining..." He nodded "And its windy... Like really windy." It was. It was looking like almost gale force winds outside but it only made me more determined.

"And your question is..?" He asked a little confused.

"I want out." I told him pointedly as his brows furrowed in confusion. "I want to go out myself and I want to walk around."

He only nodded again as he seemed to grow more confused. "Why?"

"Because I just need to...I just need out and to face a fear on my own and I need to do it now. You know I don't like the wind and rain but I want to do this."

"I see...do you think you are ready for that?" He asked a little worriedly.

"Really, I don't know. I think I am. I need to try. Please. Jane left and I thought it would devastate me. As sad as it was having her leave though, I got through it. I want to keep pushing myself. I want this. I want to get home sooner rather than later and I don't want to dance around my fears. I just want to go a walk and see if I can feel calm."

"And if you don't? If you panic and your alone..?" He was right to ask the question.

"Then I get scared and I rush back and hide away and try again another day." I said so sure of myself.

He sighed. "Very well then. If your father agrees, you can go."

"Really?" I asked shocked. _That was pretty easy._

"Yes, really. It will be good to talk about later. See how you managed..." He shrugged. "I'm glad to see you push yourself, Bella. I know that you want home. Maybe you might get there a little sooner than I expected." He gave a wink before walking away.

Was he serious? Did he honestly think that?

With that, I headed back to my room.

–

Once again I sat in tears. To say today's outing had been eventful would be an understatement.

Pushing through the gnawing feeling in my gut, I pushed on in towards the city. Walking past a renovation site, the wind caught up, blowing stacks of roof tiles right at my feet.

Understandably after witnessing that I had some mental flashback to myself inside the Superdome, collapsing down on me once again.

I screamed, burst into tears and in a fit of panic I raced into the nearest cab and ordered them back to my rehab centre.

Now I was sniffling into a used tissue as I told them all about the Superdome.

Aro sighed, part frustration and part feeling sorry for me that my day had started so well and fate literally blowing it to pieces. "So this panic you have of the wind, its more of what the wind can do, rather than just the actual wind itself?" he nodded frowning a little no doubt wondering if he got his words out right.

I nodded anyway, sure he was asking me that I was scared of low flying debris than the wind more than anything else.

He let out a little humourless chuckle. "Unfortunate..." He let out a little sarcastically.

"Are you laughing at me?" I asked completely gob smacked.

"No. It's just the way today's events went for you. I really am sorry to hear how your day went. You were filled with such enthusiasm this morning." He sighed again. "How do you feel about it though Bella? Do you want to drink? Do you want to do something wreck-less that you do have control over?" he eyed me silently as I shuffled in my seat.

I wiped at my face with the dissolving tissue as I shook my head. "No..." I let out a little tiredly. "All I want is to crawl into Edwards side...you know? Just for a hug." I shrugged feeling stupid and Aro no doubt picking up my need for Edward.

It wasn't that I needed him, it was more the fact that I just wanted a hug from someone I loved and trusted. I had already hugged Charlie, and though it helped, I still just wanted Edward to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright, that I was safe and today was just an ironic coincidence.

He only nodded at my words as Charlie rested his hand on my knee, trying to comfort me. I only smiled up at his attempt and offered my hand over his, happy to accept what I could get.

"So...you came back here?" he asked a little confused.

I nodded, yes. _Where else was I supposed to go?_

"You got in a cab...had your bank card on you, and instead of going to what you wanted, you came here?" He asked still more than a little amused.

"Are you taking the piss? Are you saying I should have went to Edward when I had the chance?" I was feeling more than a little short with him. My week had been a constant see-saw of highs and lows and it had just got to the end of rope called my patience.

"No, Bella, I'm pointing out that you could have?" he told me firmly.

_Wait, what? _

"I'm allowed to go to Edward?" I thought Charlie held my rights?

"No, listen, Bella. Your gut was to go for what you wanted – Edward..." I nodded. "But you never went to him, because you knew this is what you needed. You want Edward, but your brain never let itself get carried away by your own freedom to jump away from our care and to go to him when you so easily could have. You came here because it was what you needed."

I quirked an eyebrow up at him, still confused.

He sighed again at my dumbness. "Your gut reaction was to do what was best for you at present rather than act out with what you think you need. You don't need Edward, and your mind knows that. You want him...but you don't need him. He wasn't your first port of call when chaos striked."

"But I could have? But I knew Charlie would come after me." I smiled sheepishly at my dad, silently apologising.

"Bells, I think what he's trying to say is that you never gave a damn about what anyone else thought before. You were concerned about our thoughts and came to us because that was your responsibility for today. You were responsible for yourself and instead of abusing that trust, you showed us that you _could_ be trusted."

_Ah. Now I got it._

"So, do I get a gold star?" I asked with a little watery laugh, the two of them laughing too. "I know I need to get better, that's my concern. I know what I've done and what I need to fix. I'm trying here..." I let out a little exasperated.

"Well I have something better than a gold star..." Aro smirked, "How about going home?"

"Really?" I asked genuinely shocked.

"Yes, but you are still going to be an out patient. I want to see you on Mondays and Fridays. We're not finished yet, but you are doing good. You're not addicted to your self abuse, you just slip into a bad pattern. We'll establish ways to keep you from slipping back to them and I think the best way forward is living your life and dealing with an issue at a time. I still want you to take your medication until I say so. But I think this is what you need right now. If you struggle, you can always come back to stay and we will work thought why it never worked." he smiled across at me, some pride in his features.

"Wh...what about the things I want to do?" I asked a little warily knowing that I wanted to move in with Edward at some point soon.

He smiled t me knowing. "Edward..." he stated so simply. "See how you both are when you get home. But try sleeping in your own bed, if just for the first night. You wanted to push yourself, I think that would be a great opportunity..."

"When can I go?" I asked a little excited to finally get back to my own room with all my own belongings. It was unbelievable how much I had never considered the simple things in life. Being here had been eye opening in more ways than one.

He looked at his watch. "Its been a good and bad day for you, Bella. I think you deserve to leave tonight if you wish."

"Really?" I jumped up out of my seat excited.

"Really. But I do want to see you here tomorrow afternoon. I know its a long ride, but I think it could be in interesting move to see how you cope with two session per week."

"Is she ready for that?" Charlie added in, clearly concerned that maybe I wasn't ready. I was a little mad at him for perhaps putting doubt in Aro's head but I could understand it. All I saw was home right now and right now that was all I wanted but Charlie was right, if I left too soon, maybe it would unravel all the work I had put in.

Looking up nervously at Aro, I waited for his answer as he looked towards Charlie. "Like I said, it will be an interesting move. If I have any concerns at forthcoming sessions I will be quick to point them out and ask for her admittance here to be reinstated." Turning to face me, he spoke again. "I need you to try, Bella. Try to let the outside world see. You need to talk openly about it like we have. Obviously in people you trust, though. But as for letting people know what happened in general, try to work on that too." He took a breath before speaking again. "Let them know the truth about you. I know it will be hard, but you have to at least try."

I only nodded at his words. He was calm and he was precise and I knew that I couldn't let him down. He had helped me too much to undo all his work.

"Any other questions?" He asked as he peered between myself and Charlie.

Charlie shook his head, telling him no but I couldn't help but ask something. "What about my rights? When do I get them back?" The words were rushed and I was nervous at the possibility of being shot down by him and being told never.

"That's all up to you, Bella. As I'm your doctor it will be me who decides when. Right now, I don't know that answer. After today though, its gotten a little closer to that day. Keep doing what your doing. Talk. Discuss your feeling and try not to revert back to old habits. Especially when times get hard." Clasping his hands together he sat forward on his desk a little. "Be rational. Ask for help if you need it because there will be a days when its hard and you need to sort through them without reverting back to your old instincts."

I suppose I understood him. If I just let myself fall back into my old ways, I was never going to be declared of sound mind. I was of sound mind. I knew I was. I just had to prove that to the rest of them.

"So what's next?" I asked eager.

Aro only smiled at me. "Right now, home for you and back here on tomorrow afternoon."

–

a/n: So sorry that I haven't got back to all your great reviews. Please keep them up they keep me going and I really need a good kick back into this after the time I've had so pleas let me know what your thoughts are. I can only get better if you tell me where I'm going wrong.

I should be Uding soon my lovelies!


	31. All The Lonely People

_**a/n: Told you I'd be back soon ;)**_

* * *

**All The Lonely People**

**EPOV**

Lying in my bed, I glanced at my alarm clock telling me it was seven thirty – in the evening.

I had finished work and when I got home all I could do was climb into bed. I hadn't changed. I hadn't eaten. I hadn't done anything. All I was waiting for was for Bella to call me. And she was surprisingly late at doing that.

Looking at the clock only one minute had passed and since I last looked. Turning my head to focus on the ceiling I felt frustrated at the fact that this was what I was living my life by right now; Bella calling me.

I knew it would change once she was back home. Though it frustrated the hell out of me realizing that my life had seemed to freeze up at her absence.

I didn't want to go back to my parents either in the fear of bumping into Rosalie so I had hid out here since Monday evening, avoiding all of there calls. I even avoided Alice knowing that she was being used as the messenger, even when in Seattle. She had a way of working me when she wanted and my family used her as their pawn when they couldn't get to me.

Looking at the clock, it pressed on a minute further from the last.

I was going to do crazy if I kept this up. I had to try and distract myself some how.

Picking up a book I opened it, intent on reading, before I gave up before even starting and throwing it off to the side of the bed knowing it was going to be fruitless.

There was buzz from my apartment door and I sat up in bed, startled. Had I locked the door?

I berated myself for leaving it unlocked. I knew I had. I always did.

I prayed that whoever had came round wasn't going to try the door but after a moment I heard it open and cursed myself for my stupidity.

Getting up, I knew I had to face whoever it was. Most likely it was my mum.

Opening my bedroom door I was stunned to see _Bella_ stand before me.

_What was she doing here?_

No that I was complaining.

My mouth had dropped as my eyes landed on her and she laughed shyly as she shuffled on her feet.

"Wh..what are you doing here?" I asked amazed as I rushed to her, crashing into her lips in a searing kiss. Pulling back for air I continued. "You'll get into trouble." I told her off because there was no doubt she had left, escaping the centre.

"No I wont. My dad just dropped me off." She shrugged with a wide grin as she pulled away from me.

"But how? Why? Did Aro let you leave?" I asked totally confused. I didn't expect to see her out for about another week.

"Yeah..." Was all she gave as she took my hand and pulled me towards my bedroom.

Tugging me through the door she pushed me down onto the edge of the bed, sitting me down. Straddling my waist, she wrapped her arms around my neck and her smell instantly engulfed me. _Strawberries_. Her plump lips pushed forth, kissing me passionately and deeply. So deep she actually managed to take the wind from my lungs. Her tongue caressed the crevices of my mouth as her fingers raked my hair and all I could do was grip on to her hips, tight, refraining myself from having her like how I had though about every night this week.

_I needed her_.

God, I needed her. But I had to be patient. Things were going to be different this time around. Last time it had been all about good intentions, this time it would be about what she needed for her recovery.

Breaking away from her lips I looked into her eyes as I let myself roll her over onto her back so I could really see her and try to get some answers.

"How did you get home?" I asked still completely amazed that she was here and lying on my bed.

"Cruiser." She told me flatly. "Its a red neck having to ride in that thing." A smirk played on her lips at her words, answering my question, but with the wrong answer.

"I mean why did Aro let you home?" I was a little concerned about her sudden arrival here, I really didn't know what to do or say.

"He said I was doing better and he wants to see me twice a week. I get to come home because I need to put what I've been taught, into practice." Her lips pouted a little as she looked for another kiss so I obliged and gave her a brief peck on the lips before asking another question.

"So that's you? You're home? Is this your home?" I really wasn't expecting everything to go so fast or for Bella to suddenly appear on my front door step, but she would always be welcome here.

"I'm home. With Charlie." Her smile faded a little. "I need to do this and I need to do this right, so I'm going to live with him for a little while still." She seemed shy. "Is..is that okay? I mean you will wait?" She was nervous? I never expected her to be worried that we wouldn't last. It was the only thing I was sure of.

_We were for forever._

"Of course, Love." I told her quickly as I let the back of my hand sweep across her cheek, trying to ease her nervousness. "It's your pace all the way. You just let me know when."

Her smile widened again and I was able to catch a brief glimpse of it before she pushed forward to kiss me once again.

The two of us quickly became entangled in one another but there was no pulling at clothes. We both were aware that things had to change and that even us becoming intimate had to change as well.

There was all the time in the world for that. What mattered was how she felt and that my kisses were enough to show my love to her.

Her hands ran through my hair and the temperature between us grew hotter. It was inevitable that something was going to happen if we didn't break loose at some point. We were only human after all.

Bella was the one to gently push me away and I couldn't help smile at her determination to do things so precise. She had spoke on the phone after Jane had left the centre and told me she just had to keep focusing. _And she was doing it._

She had found her inner strength and part of me (the part that was in my pants) kinda loathed her for it.

But I would live.

"Have you eaten?" Her question was her way of gently changing our topic of conversation, or at least starting one and getting us out of our current clinch.

"I had lunch..." I shrugged with a smile. Reaching down to her neck I just had to tease her a little. "But I'm sure I could nibble on you..." I let my lips trail the collar of her neck and almost instantly I heard her whimper.

She took a deep breath below me and swiftly pushed me off to the side. "Another night, handsome."

I laughed lightly at her firm words and her stiff movements. It was clear as day that she was liking it, but we both knew the lines that were marked in the sand.

"Like I said, Love. It's your pace." I told her as I managed to pull myself up off of the mattress and sit along side her on the edge of the bed.

Sitting there, she glanced around the room as if she was looking for something. I couldn't think what, especially given the fact her eyes traced almost every surface.

"Lost something?" I asked carefully, spurring her thoughts out of her.

"No..." She replied back as she turned to face the head of the bed. "Thinking..." Her word trailed off into the air as I gave her a moment as she looked back up at me with soft eyes. "How did all of this come from all of that?" Her eyes fell as soon as her words were out and her cheeks blushed.

She was talking about our relationship. How did we end up together after how we had met and continued to keep meeting?

"I don't know...fate?" I shrugged feeling quite useless as what to say. "Alice kept on saying things about us, even before I saw you out in the bar in Port Angales. I didn't know what she was talking about. She was all riddles-"

Bella laughed before quipping "Sounds like Alice."

"Yes. And she was right. Like she so often is. I should get her to pick my damn lottery numbers."

"Do...do you have any regrets?" She was hesitant on her words "I mean, don't you think your life would be easier without me in it?"

Was she _still _having doubts? I felt a little crushed at that thought, to be honest.

"No. I love you." I told her strongly as I cupped her hands in mine. "The only thing I regret is my attitude towards you at the start. But I don't regret anything else. I know its not always easy, but is it ever? Everyone has shit to deal with Bella, I think nothing less of my relationship with you because of what you have been through. It only just shows me how much I could have missed. If you were gone too, then I'd be alone. No one else fits, Bella, no one."

Her eyes were glassy and I hated myself for upsetting her. "I tried – I'm trying so hard to help you through this because I'm selfish. I cant live in a world without you. I've kissed your lips, I've held you in my arms...I cant not have you. Why do you think I tried so hard to keep you alive? Why do you think I got to you when I always did? Why does Alice seem so right all the damn time..? Because she is right. Every confusing riddle and line that came out of her, it was all right, they all pointed me right at you. Fate...?"

I didn't know if it was fate or divine intervention or whatever it was, all I knew that I was meant to find her and for her to open my eyes.

I never realized the tunnel vision I had. My life before her, it was all safe cliques and passing unknown judgement on the others from stories I had heard or just their general appearance.

It was quite humiliating that lack of humanity I had actually possessed before coming across her. I'm a doctor. Its my job to be non judgemental.

I remembered that tiny framed body laying out on the tarmac and the need to get to know her with the look in her eyes alone. But my mind was changed just as quick as our collision had been when I had found out her name.

"Do you believe in that?" she asked me while looking a little stunned at my words.

"I think everybody has to have a little faith in something. How else would we keep going if we didn't have anything to believe in?" I asked rhetorically.

Her lips puckered as her eyes went off to the side as she thought. "Do you have faith in me? That I can get better?" Her tone was so soft so fragile.

It was the age old argument of our entirety. She just couldn't see what I thought of her. I wasn't going to tell her again this time though. She had to have faith in herself first for her to ever truly take on my words.

"I have faith in you, Bella. Just look at how far you've come."

She chewed on her bottom lip as she gave a meek nod in response.

The atmosphere had changed but it wasn't strained.

Bella pulled herself into my side and rested her head on my shoulder, no doubt trying to reel in my words.

We sat in silence for a short time and she only began to speak once again as I kissed her forehead.

"So are you hungry?" She asked me, her tone clearly lighter and her smile indicating she was moving on from our last conversation. "I don't know about you but I want a huge pizza with lots of peppers and peperoni. I think it's well earned after the day I've had." She told me flatly with the roll of her eyes.

"Your day? What happened?" I asked surprised. She seemed surprisingly strong. I wouldn't have expected her to have had a bad day.

She sighed, exasperated and shook her head as she stood. Tugging at my hand she attempted to pull me up off of the bed. "You call in the pizza and I'll tell you all about it."

* * *

Curling her up in to my side, she wiped a few stray tears from her cheeks. She had just finished telling me all about her walk in the city this morning and how she had ended up back at the centre, shocked.

It was great that she had tried so hard, to push herself on like she had, I just couldn't help feel heart broken for her though at how it had ended up.

"Well look at it this way," I told her. "least you tried and least you did get somewhere, even if you did end up back in a panic. Baby steps, Love, baby steps."

I felt her nod against my chest before she pulled away to look me in the eye. "You're right. I did go out there when I didn't want too. That's gotta count for something. Right?"

"Right." I confirmed quickly. "That counts for a whole lot. Not just that fear, but the fact that you have that determination to even go through with something that you were already apprehensive about."

She nodded mindlessly as her eyes floated out into the room, her mind thinking.

A knock at the door knocked her out of her dream state as she quickly jumped up from her space on the couch. "I'll get it." She quickly told me as she lifted money off of the coffee table and heading towards the front door to get our pizza we had ordered.

Making my way to the kitchen, I pulled out a couple of plates and glasses as I waited for Bella to Bring the food.

I heard silent squabbles coming from my front door and made my way, quickly, to check Bella was okay.

"Just get out, now." I heard Bella hiss.

By the time I had made it too the door I found Bella pushing at the arm of Rosalie, trying to get her to leave.

"What the hell are you doing here?" What they hell was Rosalie doing here? She had no need to be.

"I came to speak to you." She sighed as she tried to get past Bella.

I tugged Bella away from her knowing that she wouldn't purposely hurt Rosalie but that she may end up doing so, given her pregnancy.

"Bella." I whispered her name in an attempt to get her to ease off.

She did. Automatically. "I wouldn't hurt her. I was being careful." She told me with panic and guilt.

Rosalie squared her shoulders before letting out her quip to Bella. "Thank god, I thought you had the strength of a toddler the way you were pushing me."

"Rosalie, what do you want?" I asked pretty impatiently.

"I came to anthologize to you, Edward. And since Bella is here too, I can apologize to her as well."

"I don't want to hear it." Bella snapped at Rosalie.

"Well I don't give a shit. Okay, I know what I said was below the belt, but that was not my fault. You let people think those things about you. You let them think...think..."

"Think what, Rosalie?" Bella's tone was laced with venom as she spat out her name. "I let people think I was some slut...Well maybe I was. But what business is it of yours to come at me and tell me that."

"No. You are not some slut. You had a traumatic experience and that was how you handled it. You avoided it. Like I avoided mine for so long as well." she sighed and rubbed at her face before speaking again. "Can I come in?" She asked.

"No." The answer was automatic. It literally just came flying out of my mouth.

But at the same time Bella had said "Yes."

I looked down at her in shock. "You can have your say and I can have mine and then you can leave." Bella only proceeded to open the door further, allowing Rosalie to walk through and into the lounge.

I still couldn't take my eyes off of her. I was completely dumbfounded at the fact she was allowing this when moments ago she wanted her out.

"Don't look at me like that, Edward. You know I need to do this. Why not now?" Her voice was pretty sharp with me and I couldn't help feel that I had upset her but I think it was just more so that our evening had been pretty much ruined.

Walking through Rosalie sat on the edge of a chair waiting for us to join her.

We sat down on the couch and waited for her to begin. Rosalie was up first.

"Like I said, Bella, you avoided the situation with stupidity and I'm not giving you a free pass on that one. I never gave myself a free pass either because what we both had to do, was to open up and speak about it. Emmett knew when it happened, when I was...when I was raped. He was great. Amazing, actually. He was the one that kept me from slipping any further than I did, but I still did slip. I developed OCD and I know in comparison to you it may seem trivial, but it wasn't.

"The only time I went out was for college and to see family. And that was only because Emmett was there, behind me, pushing me, literally out the door. When we were alone I didn't let him touch me. Which may have seemed normal at the time, but after a year of never letting him near me, he was beginning to crack." I could see the tears well up in her eyes and her cheeks flush slightly. "I really don't want to say this in front of him," She jutted her head towards me. "but it wasn't about sex. I wouldn't let him _near_ me. I didn't like him hugging me, I didn't like when he sat too close to me. It wasn't that I didn't trust him. I did. I loved him so much but I just felt so dirty and used and that he should be with someone clean. We had only ever been with one another and then this person comes in and...and contaminates me – and possibly Emmett if I allowed him near me."

She broke down in tears and before I knew what was happening, Bella was on her knees in front of Rosalie stroking them away with the pads of her thumbs.

"It's okay. You don't need to tell me any more." Bella's tone was caring and genuine.

I just hoped this wasn't an act put on by Rosalie.

Rosalie's hands trembled and as she tried to wipe at her face I could see the deviation in her eyes.

"I'm sorry for what I said. I always had Emmett and that lot are just so damn traditional and romantic and it made me feel like a fraud. Emmett never pushed for sex before it happened, he wanted to wait a while. We were young, horny and wild but he always told me it had to be perfect."

Bella briefly looked over her shoulder towards me. I was still rooted to the couch and I couldn't move but the understanding was there for all of us.

Rosalie eyes met Bella's once again. "I thought you were just some tramp that thought she had heart broken by some prick and was going through a rebellious stage. I never realized how truly devastated you were, how you still must feel. I thought you would break Edwards heart. You we're like some wild horse, brave in the stupidest of ways, and I was convinced it was Edward that was going to fall apart. I hadn't realized that you already had." Rosalie offered a small smile as she wiped at her cheeks once again.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry that I judged you, I'm sorry that I couldn't see past my own narrow mindedness and I'm sorry that I ever listened to a damn word that goes around town."

Bella gave a small nod accepting her apology. "I...I had so many things I wanted to say to you, Rosalie. Nasty, spiteful things. All because that's what you gave to me. I'm not lying. What you said to me was nasty and spiteful and it was the reason I tried to overdose again."

Rosalie's steady stream of tears once again picked up pace at Bella's words and she fought hard to keep them at bay.

"I'm so sorry. I just wanted you away from Edward. I never thought you would do that." her tone was rushed and panicked and the grasp for Bella's hand still showed she looked for forgiveness.

"I know. You didn't know who I was. No one did, really..." Bella shrugged and I could see her bottom lip pout slightly from the side of her face. "But I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me-"

Rosalie jumped in on her words. "I understand. Go for it. I deserve everything you throw at me."

"I don't want too, though. Both of us have had enough hurt already. Why be mean for the sake of it?" She asked with a shrug.

"Cos I deserve it?" Rosalie gave a shrug of her own.

"You were a bitch. No doubt about it but you said those things because of the stories _I_ had managed to create about myself. And truthfully, if it were the other way around, I'd warn you off too. I know that you care about Emmett. I saw it all those times I was at Alice's house. I could see through the frosted glares that you gave to me, that for Emmett, you would do anything for.

"You've messed up and made some bad choices, but it doesn't mean that you don't deserve Emmett, just like I have messed up and made a fool of myself, it doesn't mean I'm not deserving of Edward. I love him and I _do_ deserve him." She said without doubt or hesitation.

Finally she could see it.

_She was saying it._

* * *

Eventually there was another knock at our door. The pizza we had ordered and forgot all about. They apologized for lateness as they had lost the order and gave it to us, free of charge.

"You know...I think free pizza tastes better." Bella mumbled away to her self more than me I think but it still made me laugh as I watched her chew on a piece and throw away her crust.

"How are you doing? Its been a hell of a long day for you." I asked a little concerned. She had handled Rosalie's visit surprisingly well. Even after she had left. Really though she hadn't spoke much about it since.

"Its been interesting...and eye opening." She sighed. "I feel sorry for her, really. I didn't want to ask what had happened to her, do you know?"

I nodded to her not really wanting to relay it all but I knew I had to tell her something. "Rosalie was walking home from my mum's one afternoon. It was summer and she told Emmett she wanted to walk. There never seemed to be any crime in Forks, especially something like that..." My words trailed off.

"It was some truck driver, passing through. He offered her a lift and of course she refused, but she was out in the middle of no where and he got out the truck and went after her. She was found later that night in the edge of the forest with a concision to the head." Bella gasped at my words and I panicked that I had said too much, so I stopped.

"What then?" She pushed for more.

I shook my head, refusing her.

She chewed down on her bottom lip and I could see her take it all in, once again. I hoped she was able to process it alright.

"Emmett..?" She pushed again.

I sighed at her stubbornness to understand Rosalie's pain while she should have been concentrating on her own. "He struggled with Rosalie's OCD. I saw him break down more than once, but he never let Rosalie see it. I think that was half the bother though. She was hurting, but so was he cos she wouldn't let him help her."

"I thought OCD meant you clean too much or things like that?" Bella looked up at me confused.

"Sometimes it that, but it comes out in other ways...like Jane, she pulled at her hair. Rosalie wouldn't leave the house or even let the only person she trusted to touch her. She wasn't kidding around, she froze up on the spot when he hugged her. But he never complained. Not once. Because he knew there was a day when they would get through it all. They started there relationship from scratch because he would have done anything to make her happy. The same as I would do for you..."

I would wait a year if that was what she wanted. I would wait for forever if I had too.

"She's right about one thing...your family is way too traditional and romantic." She teased softly.

Pulling her into my chest, I wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "Trust me, I haven't always been so traditional or romantic...I suppose if their the one though..."

I pushed my words gently on to her once again to see some kind of reaction. I didn't want anything bad but I wanted her to see I was serious.

"I suppose..." Was all she gave back and I took it. I had already had her declared herself worthy of me to Rosalie, though truthfully, it was the other way around.

She was strong and smart and any time now she was going to discover there were other options. Better options.

She let out a yawn and I looked at my watch. It was a little before ten and I didn't want to have to separate myself from Bella ever again. But I knew I had too.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" I asked carefully so she knew I wasn't chasing her out the door.

"No." She told me flatly but the ring in her tone told me she needed too. "I just want to stay here forever." She said with great emphasise

"I want you to say here forever too, but you have your appointment in the afternoon and Aro is going to be so impressed when you tell him you were early to your own bed and after talking with Rosalie."

She smiled a little smugly "He will, wont he?" Her tone was so damn triumphant. "Its been a good day, despite this mornings disaster."

"Baby steps..." I reminded her in her ear.

"I know, I know." She pulled herself up form me and turned to look in my eyes. "I have to say though, it still feels like a giant one after tonight."

She let out a little laugh as she wriggled on to my lap and reached for my lips, kissing me.

She pulled back quickly and the smile was still huge on her face. "Are you happy?" I asked because it was clearly written all over her face.

"_So_ happy." She reached for my lips once again but I pulled away from the imminent contact and pulled her back slightly.

She frowned at my actions. "You know what would make _me_ happy?" I asked her.

She shook her head and gave a whispered no as her face fell, as if she was thinking that I was unhappy. I wasn't. But Bella could make my day that little better.

"Let me take you out tomorrow...As in our first proper date."

She let out a gasp of air that she had been holding and you could see relief pass through her at my simple request.

"Of course. I'd love too." She blushed.

* * *

_**a/n; Please leave a comment!**_

_**So if any of you have saw my tweets you would hear that I have a surprise!  
**_

_**I have the first two chapter of my next story being looked over right now by the lovely CousinCullen right now. I hope she likes what she sees. **_

_**Anyways...The title of my next story will be called "The Difference Between Us".**_

_**They will be posted on September 30th along with, not one, not two, but three out takes from HOTRS and BB – put me on Author alert please, so you will see these going up. **_

_**Also there will be another chapter of "The Saints Are Coming" at the same time. Thought there will be more of those before then, so don't worry. **_

_**And to top of that, the cherry on top will be "The Difference Between Us" Trailer going up onto **_**youtube****_! This will all be on September the 30th. _**


	32. Because

_**Back again! Get me – got to love me a little heart surgery to get ma mind kicking off!**_

* * *

**Because**

**BPOV**

Sitting on the couch, my foot twitched in anticipation of Edward picking me up for our first official date.

Shuffling in my seat I felt my dads eyes look up to me from the television and give out a small chuckle. "Ain't I meant to be the one that's worried...you going out on a date an' all."

"I'm not worried." I snapped.

I closed my eyes for my short temper and sighed. "I'm...I'm...I..I don't know what I am. It just makes it all feel so official."

He looked at me and I could see concern in his eyes. "It's as official as you want it to be, Bell. You don't need to go fast on anything."

I nodded as I chewed on my bottom lip.

"Besides, I think Aro is right. I think this is something you should be doing. Getting out there and having some sensible fun. You've been living in a lot of darkness, Bella. You need to just go out and enjoy the simple things...Like a date with either your official or non-official boyfriend." His smile cracked at his last sentence and I knew he was right.

"But what abo-" I began.

"Forget about them." He told me bluntly.

"Or abo-" I started again.

"Forget about them. Forget about everyone that doesn't matter to you. Concentrate on the people who do care about you. You want to go around here holding your head high, you have every right too. And you should."

I sighed knowing that no matter what I said, Charlie was just going to keep pushing me like I needed to do to myself.

"Did you call Mrs Newton when we got back?" He checked.

It had been something that had came up today with my appointment with Aro. _Work._ I had to get back to my life and I knew that Mrs Newton would always keep a job for me, simply because I was the Chiefs daughter.

"Yes I did. I told her I had been...recovering, and she was happy to have me back. I start back on Tuesday." It was something I was looking forward too. I was actually beginning to miss Mikes mindless mumbles.

"Good. That's what I like to hear...And what are you up to tomorrow?" he pushed knowing the answer I was going to give.

"I'm going to see Jake at the rezzy." I informed him a little smugly. "I wonder if he got a chance to fix up my motorcycle after I came off it last time." I innocently taunted.

"Don't even think about it. I find out you're on that thing ever again, I'm taking you back to Aro and leaving you there." He told me with a little humour.

"Well I'll get on it again, sometime." I replied seriously.

"No, Bella. You can sell it and put it towards that nice little future that you and Edward will have." He was actually mocking me right now.

"No, I'm keeping the bike." I told him sharply.

"I said that you're selling it." Sitting forward in his seat he was waiting for me to push further. So I did.

"It's my bike. I love going out for a ride on it. You cant make me sell it. I promise I'll be more careful and that I'll only go out with Jake on it, but you gotta let me keep the bike."

"No." He told me firmly.

"I'm going to ask Aro." The words rolled out my mouth like a spoilt five year old and I instantly hated myself for sounding so childish.

Before he could argue thought there was a knock on the door.

_Edward_

My knight in a shining Volvo.

I rushed to the door to find Edward standing in a pair of black jeans and a navy blue fitted shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He looked effortlessly understated but dressed to perfection at the same time.

I mentally hated myself for not listening to Alice advice to go shopping and buy something new. Instead I stood in my skinny indigo jeans with a little thin fitting white hooded top and my converse.

"You look Beautiful." He told me as he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek then pulled back to look at me.

"Thanks." I could feel myself blush and I loved the way that he looked me deep in the eyes. It was like he was trying to read my soul. I felt dazzled.

The tone between us changed instantly as Charlie spoke. "Doesn't she just, Edward?" He asked rhetorically as he walked up to us. "You might want to remind her that she might not always look like that, next time she's thrown off of her motorcycle."

I rolled my eyes at his attempt to use Edward as his pawn to get what he wanted.

_I was keeping that damn bike. _

Edwards brows bunched up in confusion as he looked between Charlie and me. "Did I miss something?"

"I'll explain later..." I sighed in frustration as I lifted my jacket off of its hook, along the wall.

"Yeah, so have her home by ten tonight, Edward." Charlie demanded.

"What? You cant do that." I shouted with disbelief.

"No, what I can't do is have control over your financial assets. _You,_ I can tell what to do." He smiled smugly at me.

I knew what he was doing. He was making me suffer because I wasn't giving up my bike.

"It's a Friday. I'm eighteen and I was home at ten thirty last night." I argued. "You cant make me come home back then."

He had this triumphant look on his face and I wanted to smack it off of him. "Yes I can."

"And if I say I'm selling my bike..?" I asked knowing he would change his answer.

"I'd say I'll see you in the morning. Don't stay out all night but its up to you when you do come back."

At that I let out some weird frustrated yell.

"Fine." I bit sharply at him. "I'll sell the bike and then you cant try to manipulate me any more than your already doing."

I felt Edwards hand on my shoulder, he was trying to calm me. I shrugged him off because I didn't want to be calm. I wanted to be angry. I did still have that right.

Fighting with my jacket, I continued my words. "You know you are so unbelievable. You think because I fell off it, that I was reckless. I'm a good driver on that bike. Just ask Jake."

"I want you alive, sweetheart. Edward was the bad guy last time cos he made you throw up those pills but you thanked him in the end. When you live a long and happy life without any motorcycle injuries, you can thank me then too." he shrugged.

"Ahh. Freaking unbelievable." and with that I rushed out the front door, pulling Edward behind me.

I heard the door close behind me and then a tug on my wrist. "Want to tell me what that was all about?" Edwards tone, light.

Shrugging my wrist out of hit touch, "Did you not hear? I'm to get rid of the bike." I nipped as I rushed to Edwards car.

He was fast on his feet and reached my door before me, opening it. I threw myself into the passengers seat and gave a mumbled thanks in response.

Edward was instantly in his seat and looking a me. I could feel his eyes burn into the side of my head.

"What?" I snapped. I really didn't know why I was taking it out on him, it wasn't his fault.

"Are you going to be acting like a brat all night or are you going to get over this?" His words were firm and it made my eyes turn to his.

"I'm...I'm sorry." I sighed. "I know it's not your fault. I just really love my bike." I could feel myself pout like the brat Edward had called me.

"Yeh, well your dad loves you." He told me pointedly. "And so do I. I have already witnessed you come flying off that thing once before and I thought I was going to throw up when I saw you sprawled out on the side of the road. I didn't even know you then."

I cringed at the memory, that whole day.

"Next time you might not be so lucky." He added as he reached for my hand.

"But what about if someone said to get rid of your car? I know you love your car..." I stated.

"Yes I do. But Volvo's are pretty much the safest cars to drive in the world. Motorcycles aren't. Besides you have your truck. I know you love that." He told me so sure of himself. He knew I loved it. He hated it, but I loved it.

I kept quiet. It was obvious that Edward was on Charlies side over this one.

"Come on Bella, be reasonable. You-" He started.

"Be reasonable?" I shouted as I looked up at him. "Be reasonable. You be reasonable. It's only a damn bike to you, but to me it means something."

He groaned and turned away to look through the windscreen. "You have had more than your fair share of falls off of that thing already. Next time it could be serious. We just don't want to lose you. Do you really want to keep being that reckless person, Bella?"

That was it. I had had enough. I wasn't having them think that just because I had fell off it in the past that I was stupid and reckless. It was a mode of transport and it was something I shared with Jake. We had built our bikes up together. He had taught me how to do that. It was something that wasn't tainted, something that was just me, It had been a distraction to normality putting those bikes together. Admittedly I had been reckless on them before. The day I had met Edward I had been reckless but that wasn't me any more. I had changed. But no one believed that I had, not yet at least.

Reaching for the handle, I opened the door, getting out. I wasn't being treated like a kid. I knew I was acting like one, but that was their own doing.

"Bella..." I heard Edward call on me as I made my way back to my house. I could hear his footsteps on the gravel as he chased after me.

Walking in the house, I saw Charlie relaxed out in his chair. "I'm back before ten. I keep the bike." and with that I raced up stairs and into my room, slamming the door behind me.

* * *

It wasn't long before my bedroom door was opened. Not a knock or anything to alert me, but I knew it was Edward. I had heard him speaking to Charlie after I had left him standing on the front door step.

I could hear the almost silent shuffle of his feet on the carpet as he closed the door behind him.

"Are we going to talk about this?" He prodded gently.

I lay with my face in my pillows and I really didn't want to face him, but his tone alone had me turning to see him. I never spoke.

Warily, he sat down on the edge of my bed and placed a soothing hand on my thigh. "I know you think we're just being awkward and taking advantage right now, but it's not like that. Charlie – I'm worried about what will happen to you if you fall off of that bike next time. It's not that we don't trust you. We just want you to be safe, and being on the back of one of those things, in a wet place like Forks; it isn't good."

"I'll be sensible though. I'll only ride it when the weather is at its best and I'll stay off of the main roads."

"Most of those accidents happen off of the road, they happen right in the type of land that you go driving on with Jake." He ran a hand through his hair and I could see he was getting frustrated with me not wanting to budge on this one. "I don't want you to ride it because it's dangerous. I don't want you riding that damn truck either because it doesn't look like it can last a journey but I knew I had to draw a line somewhere. I'd rather drive you around myself."

"You? You drive like a maniac. If Charlie saw you he would be letting me keep the bike." I let out a little laugh that I really wanted to keep in. But it was true. Edward was a great driver but he was a speed demon behind the wheel. His driving scared me so it was a little ironic that he was asking me not to drive my bike in case something happened when I was a better driver than him.

"Fine. I'll slow down. I'll put more caution into my driving. But meet me halfway here, Love." That one word 'Love' how did he know he could break me with that. His tone and everything around it was so sweet.

I looked up to the celling and I felt him squeeze my thigh gently. "It's me and Jakes thing. I really just want to keep the bike."

Looking back at him you could see his brain trying to come up with some solution. "What if you kept it and just didn't ride it."

"Do you know how much money I put into that thing?" I shot at him.

"Not as much as your worth, Bella." he replied back.

I chewed on my bottom lip as I thought it through.

Sitting up, I gave in. "Fine. I wont ride it but I'll keep it for the time being."

He pulled me into him, hugging me. "Thank you..." he kissed my forehead before looking me in the eyes again. "So...about this date? Think you still want to do it."

I sighed and rolled my eyes " I suppose so." I gave out flatly.

"Great enthusiasm there, love. Makes me feel like a wanted man."

I let out a laugh. "I'm kidding. Of course I want to go out still...well I'd rather stay in..." I wiggled my brows at him, suggestively.

He smiled and laughed at my words and actions. "Now that makes me feel wanted." he told me as he quickly pecked my lips.

Before he could get away from me and I had wrapped my arms around his neck. "That's because you are wanted." With that I pulled him down on top of me onto the mattress in a searing kiss.

* * *

Eating out in Forks, choice was limited. We had drove to a small Chinese restaurant that wasn't too far from where Edward lived, and settled into our seats with out too much fuss.

He held onto my hand from the car until we reached our table, before hesitantly letting it go. It made_ me_ feel so wanted myself.

Our kisses had grew a little hot and it was Edward that had resigned our actions so that we, or should I say he, was able to walk past Charlie down the stairs and leave.

As I sat across from Edward, I suddenly felt as if I was just gazing at him. He was beautiful and he seemed so damn perfect. I knew he wasn't. But nearly. We chatted away and we laughed and had fun. We spoke more about the bike and found Edward tease me about my behaviour. He was right too. I had acted like a kid.

"Edward." I heard a voice call as a woman walked up to our table. "Hey, how are you?" She asked sweetly as she batted her eyelashes towards him. "I was asking your mum only earlier today, how you were? You're looking good." He gave a tight lipped smile before replying.

"I'm doing good thanks. Just out with my girlfriend. Do you know Bella?" He gestured towards me, instantly putting me under the spotlight.

"Bella Swan..?" Her wary voice called out as she looked at me. "Its been a while, sweetie." Her smile widened as I shifted in my seat.

"Victoria..." I acknowledged.

"I hope you're good. I heard you were out of town?" She carefully prodded as she rose an eyebrow.

"Yes. I just got back last night." I nervously mumbled. I knew Edward would have wanted me to tell her why. But I wasn't going to.

"Good time was it?" She enquired some more.

"Interesting..." Was all I gave out as I nervously scratched the back of my neck.

"Well, don't be a stranger. Come round sometime." She smiled at me then to Edward. "A proper catch up would be good. It's been ages."

"Yeah, sure..." I could feel my face burn with the lie I had just given. There was no way I was ever returning to her apartment.

"We'll I'm only here for pick up. I'll see you both around town. And good to see you back Edward." She gave a small nod in my direction and the look in her eyes alone had caused a shiver down my spine.

When she was gone, Edward looked at me, asking how I knew her. "She was in my year at high school. How do you know Victoria, Bella?" He seemed concerned about my involvement with her and he would be right to be worried. But it was in the past.

"I know her. We used to party." I shrugged. "Can we please not go into discussion about that one right now. I'm having a good time and I don't want to go back there tonight."

"Okay. But I'll ask another time. I don like that girl. She was always up to no good." he told me pointedly.

"And before I met you, I was up to no good. Just drop it okay." I snapped at him I instantly regretted it. "Sorry..."

He waved me off. "It's fine, Love. I understand."

Excusing myself, I headed for the bathroom and freshened up. It had been going so good until my past came rolling up to my table. But I suppose it wasn't all just going to dissipate. I had to part with the past to show people I had moved on and never returning to Victoria's would be a step in the right direction.

Walking back to the table I saw a few faces turn to look at me and I felt eyes on me as I sat back down across from Edward. "I'm not being crazy, am I?" I asked seriously. "People are looking at me, right?" I wondered if it was all somehow deep in my head.

His eyes drifted across the restaurant and I could tell from the stony change on his face that I was in fact, right. "So what, ignore them." he told me as he glared with some one in the distance.

I hated that he was having to defend me like this.

His eyes were quickly back to me and a soft smile played his lips, but I knew it was fake.

"I'm sorry." I apologized. "You shouldn't have to be part of this." He shouldn't. His family were well respected. His dad was Chief of staff at the hospital and his mother worked hard with her own business as well as helping out local charities.

In reality, they were a little upper class, and well, I didn't even belong in a class. I had none. Not even Charlies, Chief of police, blue collar class could save me. Anything I got through my connection to him was out of pity, not because I was known as a hard worker, or even intelligent. I had barely passed high school.

I knew I wasn't stupid. But no one else knew that.

"I'm your boyfriend." he snapped a little impatiently, though his words were a little hushed so not to draw any more attention to us. "I'll put up with it all. I don't care what they think Bella, because they still don't know you."

"Are you though?" I asked. Charlie was right. It was as official as I wanted it to be. And I really wasn't right sure if I was ready for everything that Edward was offering me.

I loved him. I honestly did. But were we rushing everything. Was my fear of not taking it all while I could, becoming to irrational.

His brows bunched up in confusion and I could see hurt in his eyes too.

I couldn't stay here. My past was always right behind me. Victoria showing up was a reminder of that. Never mind the watchful eyes of the town.

"I need to go." I told him quickly and without hesitation as I got to my feet and raced out the front door and out of the restaurant.

Outside I caught my breath as I reached for the fence at the edge of the car park.

_How was I to get home, now?_

Looking down the road on the other side of the fence I realized, walking would be my only option.

It was only then I noticed I was crying. Tears streamed down my face once again and I was so fed up of this. This feeling...

I had marked myself and now I was never going to be good enough for anyone. Even if Edward was accepting of my past, it was still going to haunt me, and he didn't deserve it to haunt him, too.

Cars drove in and out and gravel crunched constantly.

I never heard Edward come up behind me and I only realized he was there when he tugged on my arm.

"What was that?" he asked. He sounded angry and I was glad. Maybe he would be more sensible of me if he was mad.

His grip on my arm was tight and he fought with me to try and get me to face him. But I didn't want him to see me.

"Just go home, Edward." I told him sharply.

"What? Fuck no." He growled at me. "What is going on with you?"

"It's not me, it's you." I told him pointedly with a sigh. "You want everything now. We weren't even finished with our first date and you were calling yourself, my boyfriend."

He laughed without humour and dropped my arm. "Yeah, Bella, cos we only just met, didn't we?" He asked rhetorically and his voice full of sarcasm. "I mean, its not like we've slept together, or shared a bed, or even met one another's families..." He trailed off.

Catching me off guard, he grabbed me harshly so I was forced to look at him. Anyone else and I would have panicked. That would have been normal, but I knew that Edward was only searching for the truth, the truth that he would be able to read from my face.

Looking at me, his expression instantly softened. The pad of his thumb gently wiped at the corner of my eyes, relieving me of the tear that was about to roll down my face. "Stop it." he bit so sharply that your wouldn't have expected it with the look in his eyes. "Stop it, now. Stop running. Stop replacing old fears with new ones. Stop thinking that the whole world is out for you. Stop it." His words were like jabs to the heart, but somehow they only made me feel calmer.

I dropped my eyes from his and I felt so exhausted.

"I'm your boyfriend. I love you and I'll never care about the mistakes you made before you met me and I'll never care about the arseholes that think they can judge you, because of it. I love you and I'm not letting you go because of that."

Looking up to him it made me want to cry all the more. I hated being weak, I hated how he was so strong.

Reaching for him, I kissed his lips in desperation. This strength before me was just too overwhelming but I also knew I couldn't go without it, without him.

My fingers ran up through his hair as I pulled him in closer to me. I would have gone without air if it meant that I didn't have to separate myself from him.

I felt myself stumble back as Edward pushed me. My bottom hit off the fence I had leaned against and at it I felt Edward push further into me.

I knew it was beyond indecent but I really couldn't care.

I felt my leg slide up the side of Edward and I mentally stopped myself from my need and froze on the spot.

Edward quickly broke away from my lips, gasping for air, but he still spoke. "Back to mine?" He croaked out.

I gave a small nod and before I knew it, I was pulled back away from the fence and shakily walking to Edward car.

* * *

In the car I had kept my hand steady on his thigh in anticipation of what was next.

I really didn't know what was going to happen.

Kissing in the car park had put something into me. This desperate energy for Edward. I needed him.

We both entered his apartment, and before I knew it, I was throwing myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him as if the world was just about to end.

The force at which I propelled myself towards him, caused him to crash back into the apartment door. I could feel the small snigger from Edwards lips as he continued kissing me.

His hands slid down the sides of my thighs firmly and pulled on them, wrapping my legs around his waist.

Our kissing never ceased.

He walked and cradled me to his bedroom before kicking the door open.

_I still didn't know what was going to happen._

I knew what I had told him. That I was going to wait until we had sex again.

_But that wasn't the thought in my head. _

This felt so right, so natural. Just like last time. It felt like we had waited too long and that we had became desperate for one another after starving ourselves of each other.

Aro had never said, don't. That option was mine to make. He only asked that it was with a person I cared for, and I cared for Edward. I loved him, I wanted him. I wanted this.

This wasn't reckless. This wasn't stupid. It felt like the only thing I had done right since I had got back home. To show my love.

My back connected with the mattress of the bed and axiomatically felt my self raise my bottom, searching the need of Edward.

"Oh, no,no, no.." He laughed into my mouth as he tried to break away reluctantly. He rested his forehead on mine and caught his breath. "We're not back for that...I mean...I want to kiss you, I want to hold you..." He clarified.

"Don't you want me? Properly?" I asked with desperation seeping out of my words.

"Like you have no idea, Love. But we do this right."

I shook my head defiantly "This is right. Its what we want. It's what we deserve." I promised.

He looked at me a little hesitantly but with those words, he reached down, kissing me again.

The heat grew steady and with it I shed my jacket to the floor. Edwards hands reached below the surface of my top and he gripped at my waist as he continued to pull me in closer to him, our lips never parting.

Rolling me onto his front, I sat up and straddled his waist. I couldn't take being like this any more. I needed to feel his skin against mine.

My fingers trembled as I reached for the buttons of his shirt.

His hands caught mine and my eyes snapped up to him and his attempts to stop me. "We don't have to, Bella. I love you. I'll wait for you."

My eyes dropped but he still held my hands.

"You seem scared. Let me just hold you." He offered and it tugged at all of my heart strings. It hurt quite a bit. Not every guy would sit and go through this. Not every guy would allow themselves to be teased until the brink, until she finally decided, _no_.

"I'm not scared. Nervous...but not scared. I want you to hold me but most of all I want to show you how much I love and want you." My eyes still never met his but his strong hand lifted my chin up to meet his green.

I started again. "Doesn't this just feel _so_ right to you?" This moment was perfect.

"It does feel right, but just half an hour ago you were telling me, I wasn't your boyfriend. Your a little mixed up an-"

"No, no, no. I know what I said. I was right and I was wrong. You are not my boyfriend, you're my partner, my other half and you're my lover. Just I feel my past is constantly right behind me and its not fair, its not fair on you. You shouldn't have to see the mess I made. You deserve better.

He sat up and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his lulling scent that I loved so much.

"You know that isn't true. You told Rosalie that, only last night. We deserve each other."

"But my past..." I argued. Last night Victoria wasn't standing in front of me, reminding me off all my mess.

"Your past is in the past. So is mine. I've done things I'm not proud of too, Bella, but it doesn't mean I don't get to be happy. If that were the case, the world would be full of miserable bastards."

I shifted on his lap and his grip only grew tighter. He rested his forehead against my chest as I emotionally poured cold water down him.

"Do you still want me?" I asked a little warily. It sounded almost comic.

He looked up to me with a smirk on his lips. "I'll always want you, Bella. There is no one else."

"We'll make love to me then..." I demanded with a hint of humour.

With that, he kissed my lips and pulled me back down onto the bed with him.

We made love – _twice_.

* * *

**EPOV**

I jumped up with fright as I reached out for her in my bed, but only to find it empty.

It was still dark outside and looking at the clock, it showed it was five o'clock in the morning. "Bella."I called out toward my bedroom door to see if she was still in my apartment.

Reaching for the lamp I flicked on the light and saw that her clothes were gone.

My heart rate increased at the similarity to the situation, last time we had been intimate.

Reaching for my jeans at the other side of the bed, I felt something crumple against my skin. "It was a note."

_Thought I'd better leave before I ended up staying forever._

_It was a perfect night. Thank you._

_I'm sorry I had to leave you, but you know the rules..._

_And I didn't want to wake you_

_I love you and I'll call you later._

_xx_

Lying back down in my bed, I let out a sigh of relief. She was fine. We were going to be okay.

* * *

_**a/n: Happy ending? Or is ther yet more shit to hit the fan?**_

_**Leave a little review please and let me know what you though of it!**_

_**I'm away for a couple of days but I'll be back to the writing as soon as I get back.**_


	33. Cos You're making Me Feel Like I've Nev

_**a/n; Oh my holy god. I am so so sorry about the long UD on this. This was kinda a hard chapter to write cos its jumping through time and also, I was just struggling a little. I'm still having some issues with my health and its just not making my brain work right. I hope to have BPOV up soon. Thank you, if you are still with me. It means so much than you realize. **_

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**'Cos You're making Me Feel Like I've Never Been Born**

**EPOV**

_**Two months later.**_

"Bella. Move the fuck along." I rolled my eyes at the bathroom door and that once again she had beat me to the shower first.

"Come in and join me." She laughed from the other side of the door, the sound of the shower almost drowning out the sweet sound of her voice.

"Don't tempt me - again. I got hell the other day for being late." But the other day, it was her who had joined me in the shower and distracted me.

I really didn't understand her rush to get in the shower so quick in the morning. She started later than me. Her excuse was the she had to go to her dads to make him his breakfast.

She had moved in two weeks ago and every weekday, without fail, she went to her old place to feed her dad.

I couldn't complain – she fed me every morning, first.

I did object to the coddling, but she only ignored me.

"Two more minutes, Sawn. Then I'm coming in." I warned as I shouted to her through the door so she would hear me.

"I'll be waiting, Doctor. I have the soap in my hand and ready for you."

_Fuck_.

I was never going to make it to work on time if this was her game.

Opening the bathroom door, I rushed to the bath to find Bella standing below the hot flow of water with a wicked grin on her face.

"No." I warned. "Not this morning." We were not having sex.

She pouted comically and a reached behind her, turning the shower off.

Grabbing hold of her, I flung her over my shoulder and she let out a squeal at my actions and another one as I slapped her damp ass that hung in the air, off of my shoulder.

"Now this is a way to wake up in the morning." I tried to hold in my laugh as I grabbed hold of her towel and carried back on to our bedroom.

"Put me down, Edward." She nipped as she grabbed hold of the waist band of my boxers.

So I did. I threw her down on to the mattress in our room.

Her body lightly bounced on the bedding and she lay there splayed out in front of me, wet.

"Not a bad way to wake up at all." I joked as she sat up grabbing at the towel in my hand with a face of thunder.

"I wanted shower sex." She moaned as she rubbed at her soaking hair with the towel.

"You always want sex, you little nymph. I need to get ready for work and keep my job so I can pay my damn mortgage."

She rolled her eyes at me. "You're mum and dad bought you the apartment. "You're a spoilt brat. Don't forget I know it all."

She was right. It had been bought for me. But I still needed a job and to keep the apartment running.

"Besides, I'll be paying rent." She proudly proclaimed.

"Err... I think not." I frowned. What the hell did she need to pay rent for – I never did.

"Err – yes." She snapped.

"Bella, I don't need your money and you already do enough for me since you moved in. I think we're even."

She shuffled up onto her knees and I could see her set on an argument – a naked argument at that. I was never going to get out the damn door at this rate.

"You know what...We'll talk about this later, okay?" I promised sincerely as I turned to leave.

I felt the elastic of my boxers pull and snap against my back once again as Bella tried to keep me with her.

"I still want sex." She complained with another laugh.

Life had never been so bizarre or great since she had moved in. But I really couldn't be late for work again.

* * *

"Bella." I called as I made it back through the front door of the apartment after work.

"Through here." She called and I could smell something cook away once again. It smelled delicious.

Entering the lounge, I could see her chop away with a smile on her face as she looked up to me.

"Make it in on time?" She practically purred.

She was wicked. After getting out the shower she accosted me in the closet as I tried to get dressed for work.

"Only just." I told her pointedly but I couldn't keep the humour out my tone. I loved it really.

Moving in together was the best decision ever. We were like horny teenagers – well Bella _was_ a horny teenager - and her sessions with Aro were going better than ever. She was now only seeing him once a week as of last week.

She only smirked at my words and reaching her, I kissed her on the cheek as I wrapped my arms around her waist from behind.

"Did you have a good day?" She was doing well at work and it wasn't really much of a secret now that she had been involved in the hurricane. It was doing good for her to speak about it, despite her struggles.

"Hmmm, so so. Some old bat was in looking for details on the storm." She shivered below me at the thought and my arms only grew tighter.

"What did you say?" I asked carefully.

"Nothing. I was busy. I brushed her off because I was working." She sighed as if it troubled her somewhat. It was the first I had seen her so hesitant for a while.

"Are you okay?" I pushed.

She shook her head before putting down the knife and turning in my arms. "Fine. It's just a little frustrating having to deal with that at work. It's one thing talking to Mike about it, but another having a nosy customer only come in to ask for gory details of how my mom died." She rubbed at her forehead, a little frustrated. "But I'm fine. I just think its rude more than anything else." She shrugged off.

"It is." I agreed. "But don't let it get at you. Talk to me." I pushed.

"Nothing to talk about, Edward. Really. I just want a nice dinner and maybe watch a movie... and maybe a little sumthin' sumthin' after it." She actually winked at me.

"You are insatiable, you do know that?" I laughed.

"Well, I am the town's tramp and you are a hot doctor." She laughed.

"You are not a tramp. Christ, don't ever say that about yourself again." I felt anger at her words even though I knew she was only kidding, but this was just another nasty way of putting herself down. If I let her think that she could joke like that, she would keep doing it and only end up damaging her self confidence more in the long run.

"So serious, Edward." She mumbled as she reached up to kiss me.

"Seriously in love with you." I mumbled back. Now that was something she needed to keep hearing.

She pulled away from my lips and with an eye roll, got back to her chopping.

"What's cooking?" I asked as I peered over her shoulder to see her dice up some basil.

"Spaghetti bolognase. It should be ready soon enough. Go and get a quick shower if you want though." She knew what I wanted, what I always needed. To let the heat soak my muscles.

"Thank you." I gave out in a sing song before I pecked her on her shoulder and headed for a shower.

* * *

Bella's head rolled off my shoulder, surprising her sleeping state and waking her back up. I couldn't help but laugh. "Tired?"

She only silently nodded against my shoulder as she let out a yawn.

At that, I turned off the television by the remote control and dragged her up into standing, letting her exhausted body slump into mine.

I was more than tired myself. Last night and today were the most I saw her in the past few weeks. My job was pushing me and it seemed to push me to work more hours too.

It was part of it. It wasn't just a job, it was a way of life and I knew that from my dad's many hours in the hospital, it was just something I had to accept. The thing was, was trying to find the balance. And I was managing okay with that one so far.

The first year was going to be the hardest and I needed to pull my head into my books to keep on studying, because really, I was still learning. I still had assessments to pass.

We reached our bedroom and both silently, stripped to our underwear and Bella looking out a t shirt to wear.

Under the covers, we searched out one another before cuddling in close, looking for heat and comfort. With that, we slept.

* * *

Two weeks later I was sitting at the table trying to study.

Work was full of pressure and with an up coming assessment, I had to get my head down and concentrate.

"Could you turn that down, love?" I called across the Bella who was flicking through the television channels at an alarming rate, causing short bursts of noise to come out from the set at every press of the button.

She hummed in response before placing it on mute, the room turning silent as I focused on the books in front of me once again.

Looking at the book I read all about pulmonary hypertension and its symptoms. There was just so much to learn about. I had done the basics in medical school but now looking here and with working at the hospital – it seemed to take on a whole new level. And this was the easy stuff.

Bella let out a small sigh as I heard her stand up and I tried to stay focused on the books.

"Do you want anything to eat?" She asked sombrely.

"Na. I'm good, thanks." I mumbled as I highlighted the the five types of hypertension that could develop. _Arterial, Venous, hypoxic, thromboembolic and miscellaneous._

_Arterial, Venous, hypoxic, thromboembolic, miscellaneous._

_Arterial, Venous, hypoxic, thromboembolic, miscellaneous._

_Arterial, Venous, hypoxic, thromboembolic, miscellaneous._

I repeated the words taking them in an there varying symptoms.

"Do you want a drink?" She asked next.

I shook my head at her question, telling her no.

"Edward?" She called out a moment later.

"I'm fine." I gasped as I flicked through the pages on my textbook.

"Are you sure? I'm getting one." She checked again as she rattled around in the fridge and then the cupboards looking for a glass.

"I said I'm fine." I snipped a little. Unintentionally.

"Okay..." She trailed with a small huff.

"Do you need anything?" She enquired quickly.

"Bella." I snapped her name as I turned to look over my shoulder at her.

"You're working hard. You deserve a break." She argued.

Looking back at the books I closed my eyes. "I _need _to study."

Her soft footsteps made their way to me and before I knew it I felt her hand run through my hair. "You need a break." She argued again.

Looking up to her sweet brown eyes I tried to argue with her. "Bella." I sighed a little worked up at her not taking me seriously.

_I really needed to be studying._

"Come on. I'm bored." She smirked at me as she pushed me into the back of my chair, allowing herself to straddle on my knee with her back pressed against the edge of the table. "Entertain me." She challenged with that perfect pout looking to tell me what she wanted.

With that, I tossed the yellow highlighter over her shoulder, letting it land on the book that I should have been studying.

_She had won._

"And how can I entertain you tonight?"

* * *

_**Two weeks later**_

The shrill tone of my alarm blared in my ear indicating it was in fact time for me to get up and head to work. I reached out my arm, silencing the clock as I tried like hell to open my eyes. I was shattered.

Bella shifted towards me in her sleep, silently and unconsciously pulling herself into me. She let out a little content sigh and continued to sleep soundly on my shoulder.

Her warmth and the comfort of the bed was shattering my ability to get up. I wanted to lie here for that little bit longer but I couldn't. I had work to get too.

Slowly but surely I pulled myself away from her and my warm bed and headed in the direction of the shower.

I must have stood there for twenty minutes as I let the warm water fall down on me and tried like hell to keep my eyes open and not to fall asleep on my feet.

_Why had I stayed up so late?_

_Bella._

She was off work today and with her appointment with Aro later this afternoon, she had all the time in the world for sleep today.

She had stayed up watching some Jane Austin movie marathon and I had stayed up with her.

It wasn't that she had asked me to stay up late with her to watch it, it was more the fact that I struggled to pull myself away from her and after being worked so hard and seeing very little of her, I was desperate to be in her company.

Bella stayed in bed and I went without my breakfast that she usually made me. She deserved a lie in, especially since she was due to meet with Aro, but I did miss it. Instead I grabbed an apple on my way out the door as I headed for work.

The day went in slow and the look that my dad gave to me at my constant yawning had me on edge. I just wasn't functioning properly today at all.

"Edward?" My father called on me from behind, startling me.

Turning to face him, I played around with the chart that I held in my hands.

"Late one, was it?" I couldn't even pretend not to know what he was talking about. It was clear that I had spent half the night, staying up.

"Yeh... I got a little carried away with studying." I shrugged as I lied. This wasn't good. Any other intern and he would have a curt word with, but me, this would follow me around for the rest of the week.

All he did was give out some questioning hum, as if he really didn't believe me.

He let it go but I knew he would be back at it later. "So, Mister Dagistino, is he ready to leave?"

I nodded and handed him the chart to sign off on. He glanced through the notes I had made and his brows furrowed forward. "What about his history?" He asked as his eyes met mine.

_History? _

_Shit._

I bluffed. "I didn't think it was needed. Everything was all straight forward."

"Straight forward?" He gritted. "You could have given him something that he was allergic to. You have none of that down here."

_Fuck._

"All it is is some antibiotics and there were no side effects to the anaesthetic we gave him to numb the spot on his arm." I pulled on the collar of my shirt feeling that it was choking me.

"Those are the two most important things, Edward. A patients reaction to any of these could be life threatening. You should have asked him." He was really pissed. "Its basic. You should know this. Hell, anyone passing an ER would know this."

"He's fine." I argued knowing it was totally beside the point.

"But he could have died." He argued some more, stressing his point slowly. And a little bit painfully.

"That's a bit dramatic." I argued back, " You're only giving me shit because it's me. Anyone else you would have told them and dropped it." Even I knew that was a huge lie there. But I couldn't help it, I just snapped, tiredness getting to me.

His eyes narrowed on me, his intense blue eyes burning into my green ones. "My office. Now."

* * *

Of course, he let me sweat in his office for thirty minutes before he finally came to speak to me.

Walking in, I heard him close the door behind him gently, and before I knew it he was sitting in front of me with the look of frustration written across his face.

"Do you want to tell me what's been going on lately?" His voice an eerie calm.

_Lately?_

_What did he mean, lately?_

"Edward this is not the first time you have screwed up in the past few weeks and your results on your last assessment were anything but great. What's going on?" His brow rose and he looked at me as my dad. He was concerned.

I sat there is silence not knowing what to say.

"Is something going on between you and Bella?" He asked carefully.

We were great. We struggled for time and all that, but we were great.

I shook my head answering him. " We struggle of time... but that's life. Isn't it?"

He nodded shyly "I know it's hard going, but it will settle down at the end of the year. You wont have to work so... so hard. I remember what it can be like."

I sighed. "And how did you and mom manage?" They had been together since he had started college and by the time he had started his his intern-ship, they were married.

"Not too great either. But it's one year and we concentrated on that and the fact that it was going to be a struggle. It's still a lot of work for me now, but that first year was the hardest."

"Bella just doesn't see it." I let the words fall out of my mouth without even realizing that they were in my head. But they were, and truthfully, I suspected that they had been in there for the past few weeks.

He nodded at my words. "Bella, well she's had it hard. The past year has been difficult for her but with your help, you made her able to cope with what happened. But you still need to let her see that you need time for yourself." He didn't sound like he even liked what he was saying.

"You know how fond of Bella we are. I would always be there for her if she needed me for anything just like I would be there for you. But you are at different times in your life just now. Bella is feeling lighter after overcoming a tremendous struggle... and well... you're only halfway through yours."

What was he saying? "You think we shouldn't be together?" I gasped utterly dumbfounded.

"No." He told me quickly and firmly " All I'm saying is, that perhaps you need to sit down with Bella and explain that you are struggling too."

"But she's still recovering. I can't tell her that." I bit. It would devastate Bella. I had to concentrate on her. I couldn't have her think that because she wanted to spend time with me that I couldn't do my job.

"Edward, it's about balance." He sighed.

"I have balance." I fought. I was having none of this.

"You just said that she doesn't see it. Well tell her. She is doing great, Edward. She will understand and I'm sure that she will support you-"

"Support me?" I spat. "I'm supporting her."

"That's not how it works. You work together and you talk about it. You'll crumble if you don't offload to her too."

"I-I cant." I stuttered on my words as I thought about any pressure that it would put on her. It just wasn't fair to ask that of her.

He sighed at my determination. "You can't keep this going. You both will fall apart if you do. Listen to me. It took hard work for me and your mother-"

"Exactly. That is a different story." I interrupted. "Bella and I, we're something else and Bella needs me to be there for her."

"Edward." He snapped.

"No dad. No. I do this my way. I need to know that she will be okay. I'll survive my intership and it will be hard, but my main focus is on Bella." It always would be and I just couldn't lie to him.

"Please-" he tried

"No." I argued back. "No. I know what I need to do and I'll do it. I'll still complete my intership but I can't lose my focus on Bella." I promised.

He sat there shaking his head. If he wasn't my father he most likely be ready for firing me – but today he was my father. He was worried and I understood him, but I would cope. I was going to get through this just fine.

* * *

Opening the front door I made it inside the apartment and called on Bella.

"I'm in here." She let out a little excitedly from the bedroom. I dropped my folders that I needed to work though for my next assignment and sluggishly, made my way to her. I was shattered and wanted nothing than some food and an early night.

My dad had been a little tougher on me than I imagined after we had left his office. I knew he was only out to prove a point – that I needed to get my head in my books and let Bella tug along on her own for a little, just until I got the bulk of my assessments were out of the way.

Peering around the edge of the door, Bella sorted her hair and looked... breathtaking. "Where are you off too?" I asked, amused with the grin on her face.

"You and I... we are going out to celebrate." She shrugged so nonchalantly.

"What?" I asked more than a little surprised.

Her hair whipped around as she faced me. "Me and you... out on the town, so get dressed, boy." I couldn't go out. One – I was tired, and two – I had to study. I had one hell of an assessment coming up in two days time.

I let out a little sigh at disappointing her. "I can't. I need to study." I told her as gently as I could.

Her face dropped at my words but I knew I had to stay strong on this one, just this one time. I was holding on to my job with the tips for my fingers.

"You don't need to. You need a break." She chimed in as if it really were that easy.

Shaking my head, I knew I had to put my foot down. "No, I have this test in two days and I need to study. You understand, right?" I asked, hopeful.

She stood up and she looked a picture in her obviously newly bought pants and top. Her bottom lip pouted and her eyes filled with unshed tears. "But-but, I thought we could get some food," She shrugged. "Come home and, you know? Be together." her face turned crimson and my gut clenched at being her disappointment.

"I really need to study. Can't we just get take-out and celebrate properly at the weekend?" I was hopeful – but I knew I had just killed our evening.

She rolled her lips and her eyes fell to her hands. I tried again.

"It's only a couple more days, what does it matter if we wait till the weekend?" She gave me a brief look and wiped at a stray tear from the corner of here eye.

What the hell were we celebrating anyway?

I didn't want to ask.

She nodded and turned back into the closet and stripped off her clothes. Her face was heartbreaking, but she would get through it. Right? That's what my dad said.

* * *

_**So the Dreamer is back in town and back in business. I hope you are all still with me and Don't even begin to think that this story is over yet ;) **_

_**Thank you for all the ppl that sent me little mails, telling me to get a move on with this, some were frequent, some at the beginning of my little "vacation" and one only last week .Thank you loads. Its nice to know that you care for the story.**_


	34. All The Lonely People, Part 1

_Appologies for the god awful lack of UD's. There has been a lot of shift in my life recently but things are getting back to normal. _

_Also, I do plan on having this story completed by May._

_Edit: Arrrg - I have been trying to post this since sunday. FF was down_

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_**All The lonely people, Where Do They Come From?**_

**BPOV**

"So he didn't even ask why you wanted to go out?" Jake asked before he filled his mouth with about half a slice of Pizza.

I shrugged. "No. He was busy, I guess." I gave a tight lipped smile and I knew it was fake and I knew that Jake would see through it.

After Edward had refused to go out, I got changed and left the apartment with only a quick shout to him from the front door that I was going out.

Edward had been sitting at the kitchen table minutes after he was home and I knew I was lost on him to his studying. I knew he had to study. I understood, really I did. But I was beginning to think that maybe all our lust and love had ran out on him. Maybe he didn't want me after all.

Of course, I was never going to tell Jake that one. Instead, he listened to me talk away about the real reason I wanted to celebrate. I knew it was nothing major, nothing that no one else could do. But for me it had been a huge stepping stone. I had signed up and been accepted into community college in Port Anaglies. I was so stoked when I went for my interview and that they told me I was in and that waiting for the letter would be simply a formality.

I told no one about it, about my application in case I was knocked back. I knew that if I had been knocked back that they would have only of worried about me.

I took a bite of my pizza and chewed on it as Jake yapped on about applying to the same college , and that we could drive together. He wanted to be a mechanic and he would be able to learn his trade there. I was so excited if that was the case. He had always planned on applying there anyway.

Edward briefly entered my mind as I felt my self begin to grow full from my dinner. What had he had to eat? I never cooked because I never planned on staying in. And after what had happened, I just needed out of that place and to talk to Jake.

There had been a change. There was no doubt about it, but what had caused it, I didn't know. Edward was more distant. He never spoke quite as much as he used to. We could go for days in happy bliss, him making love to me, but then it would shift and he... he just seemed to disappear. I was sure that he wanted to say something to me, but was to afraid to do so.

Did he want to finish with me? Days were shifting around and it seemed like we were back at the start. More bad days than good. But the thing was, it wasn't only my issues that were coming up.

I didn't really know the issues, myself. Only that there was a growing tension between us. I felt like he wished he had never bothered with me. And if I was honest, I was keeping things back from him, worried that I would become too much for him and he would ask me to leave. I loved him to much to even think of growing a backbone and leaving him. I kind of hated that thought.

"You know, you don't have to go back to the apartment tonight. You could crash at mine or even go to Charlie's." Jake suggested. But I didn't want that.

I didn't want a fight. I didn't even want to talk to Edward, and I don't think that I even wanted to see him for the rest of the evening. But I wasn't staying away from him, avoiding him. It would only cause more tension. We had that by the bucket load already.

"No. I'm going home." I shrugged off. It was my home after all. I had moved in with Edward and we were serious. Seriously ready to fall apart that was.

I shook off the thought and knew we would get through it. It was a bad day for him and well, I got the brunt of it. It was fine. That was what being a couple was all about.

I drove Jacob back home from the diner and I let myself cuddle into his heat as we settled down in his lounge watching some trashy teen movie. It was all that was on television so we left it on. We didn't speak. We just sat there, cuddled in together. It was nice.

Eventually, I made it back to the apartment.

Creeping quietly into through the front door, I tried my hardest to be quiet so not to waken Edward. It was late and I knew he would have been tired.

Making my way to the kitchen for some tea, I was met with Edward sitting at the table, his books sprawled out. _Looks like he's still hard at it_. I never spoke, I only looked at him and him at me before his eyes dropped back to the pages in front of him.

After a moment he began, "Did you eat?" his voice was scratchy and unusual for Edward. He wasn't angry... honestly, I didn't know how to read him.

"Jake and I went for some pizza and then back to his for a moive." I croaked out, still rooted to the same spot. Edward eyes met mine and he actually rolled them at me.

"Don't roll your eyes at me," I snapped at him instantly as I began to tug off my jacket in haste.

"You expect me to be happy with that, Bella? We fall out and you go running to him. He's already counting the days until I'm out of your life. You don't need to tell him how much of a fuck up I am." He sighed and looked back down to his books, resting his head in his hands.

But that was the way it was meant to be. To talk things through, to be honest with the people around me.

"Jakes not counting anything," I corrected him with that tired sigh.

"Yes he is. He's waiting on me to leave so he can make his move." His eyes met mine once again and they were red and full of tiredness. He needed his bed not an argument.

"Edward, don't be silly," I offhandedly chided him and at my words he jumped from his seat, full of rage.

"No, Bella, I'm not being silly. Don't tell me what I'm feeling. I'm sorry I messed up your night and that I upset you but don't tell me I'm being silly." He pushed forward on his feet and stood in front of me now. His face directly above mine. "Just don't leave me. Not like that. I didn't know where you were." His and delicate fingers wrapped around my wrist and he placed my palm to his mouth and kissed me there before moving it to cup his cheek. His eyes closed and he looked so deflated, so worn out.

He almost wasn't Edward.

I tried to sooth him "I wasn't far away, Edward. And I had my cell on me. You could have called. I wish you had."

He gave a small nod and his eyes screwed shut as he leaned into kiss me chastely. All to soon the kiss was over and he led me to bed where we hugged and finally fell asleep.

* * *

I'd like to tell you that everything was all right. That we got through it and lived happily ever after. But we didn't. Not even close.

By the end of the week we were as distant from one another all over again. We passed one another, did those things that make us look like a proper couple. I cooked for him and he kissed me on the lips as a thank you. But all those kisses were small chaste thank you's that never actually meant much. The showed no real love and certainly no passion.

I wanted passion. I wanted Edward and though I felt myself drift further and further away from him, I still tried. Edward didn't. Edward didn't notice much and all he concentrated on was his study, which I knew was important, but then again, so were we.

The next again week came and went and I felt myself slip even further away from Edward.

I had tired to speak to him, to talk through how I was feeling but it never seemed to register with him.

Next week was my mothers birthday, and though I had spent her birthday without her last year, I had also done it completely high and drunk. I wanted it to be different this year. I wanted to really remember her this time.

I left for my appointment with Aro on my own, driving to Seattle. Charlie wasn't even coming these days now. It was all part of the counselling. Now that everything had been squeezed out of me, there were no more secrets to come.

"So, Bella. How are we today?" he asked as I took my seat across from him, his elbow perched on the table with his chin resting in his palm. He always seemed so laid back and relaxed and I think that was why it was so easy to talk to him like I did.

I shot from the hip "Edward and I are falling apart and its my mothers birthday next week and he doesn't even realize this." I wanted to cry at the honesty of my words, but I knew that crying wasn't actually going to accomplish anything. At times it made me feel better... but today wasn't one of those times.

He sat back in his seat and nodded silently as he scribbled down on his jotter. "And have you told Edward that her birthday is coming up?" Actually, I had failed to mention it. I had told him once before when her birthday was. I suppose I was just hoping that he would remember it.

I shook my head , telling him no.

"And why not? Do you think Edward is telepathic, that he can read minds?" A smirk played on Aro's lips and I could see my stupidity instantly. Edward had been busy with study, it wasn't surprising that he couldn't remember.

I shook my head again, telling him no as I bit my lip. I felt stupid.

"So... why do you expect him to know?" he prodded.

"I... I guess because I told him a couple of months ago, and that I hoped he would have remembered. I mean it is important to me." I knew when Alice and Emmett's birthdays were. Esme and Carlisle too. Why couldn't he remember when my mothers birthday was? Was it too much to ask?

Aros brow furrowed forward as he spoke "Bella, I know Edward well, hell, I know men well enough to say that some times that things just slip our minds. Especially when we have a lot going on. Do you think that you may be over reacting just a little?"

I wasn't over reacting was I? "Am I?" I asked him, shocked.

"Can I ask you what percentage Edward got on his last assessment?" He quipped back.

_Shit._ What did he get for his last assessment? I didn't know. I hadn't even asked. I just felt so annoyed at being ignored that I didn't even ask. "I don't know." I shamefully admitted.

"Bella, I can't be here to work through your relationship issues. You are annoyed at Edward for not paying enough attention to the things that are important, yet you are doing the same thing to him. You have difficulties, I understand that. But the both of you need to start communicating again. You are blaming him for working too hard or studying too much every other week that you come in here and I'm not here to listen to that. Speak with Edward. Do something together. You both need to work on this.

Saying that though, I am here for you and I want to focus on your mothers birthday. What do you plan on doing that day? Anything special planned?" I sat there gob smacked at his rant. I didn't just come here to talk about Edward did I?

I shook my head, answering him, "No." I let out meekly.

"Is there anything you want to do, to mark her birthday? Maybe you could talk to Edward about it and plan something together. Perhaps even with your father too. I'm sure the date means something to him as well." I like the idea of doing something with both of them to remember her birthday. It didn't have to be something grand, just something small. Maybe a special diner.

For the rest of the session we spoke about my mom. It felt good to talk about her. After getting back on my feet, and being cautious not to slip, I had focused on myself a lot. My daily life was feeling normal. Boring somewhat, but still normal all the same. The only thing that seemed to pull me down was Edward and his lack of communication.

* * *

"Bella. Are you here?" Edward's voice called from the front door at the back of six in the evening.

In the kitchen I plated up diner and I called back through to him. "In here." I had made a start on diner as soon as I got in and made Edward's favourite. Taking on Aros words, I could see he was right. What was I trying to do to Edward? Test him? He had enough tests going on in his life at the moment, he didn't need me playing games with him as well. I knew the date would mean something to him simply because it meant something to me. But to want him to remember after flippantly mentioning it in conversation, it was a little too much to ask.

Edward came to me with a small smile on his face. He was tired, but he was still Edward and I could see that he still cared for me, despite all the difficulty we seemed to tend to have. His lips met mine and the chaste kiss lasted only a moment but I couldn't care. His eyes were glowing at the food that I had sat on he table and I knew he was hungry.

"You made my favourite," his smile growing only a little as he sat down and I let my fingers run through his hair for a short second before I took my seat beside him.

"Well... I thought you deserved a treat," I winked at him and squeezed his hand "And...and things, you know, they are – have been – a little tense." I shrugged.

At my words I could see his shoulders tense and his back straighten. He looked like was on the defence. Ready for some kind of attack. It wasn't an attack. It was just merely an observation.

His green eyes shaded with some kind of hurt and I tensed up myself, worried for his reaction. He didn't speak, so I did. "I mean... you know what I mean, Edward. Things have been a little different lately. You just stopped talking to me."

I wasn't sure if he was struggling with our relationship, with work or what. All I knew was he was keeping quiet so not to hurt me. But he was hurting me by keeping me locked out after I had opened up my whole world to him. I kept on talking "Like today when I spoke to Aro I was telling him that I was waiting for you to remember my mom's birthday-"

"It's on Wednesday. I know." he jumped in catching me off guard. He had remembered. Why hadn't he mentioned it? "I didn't know if you wanted to do something for it... so I was just waiting for you to come to me." He shrugged gently as he picked up at his fork and concentrated on the meal in front of him.

"You remembered?" I asked, not actually meaning the words to slip from my mouth. His eyes flickered back to me briefly and he looked hurt still. He only shrugged in response.

"Well," I tried to start again "I wanted for you to come to me and say. But I thought you had forgot," His eyes flicker to mine once again before they land on his fork that goes straight to him mouth. "And I wasn't going to say anything. I just... Edward, I was looking for you to come and speak to me. About anything." he rested his fork against the plate and swallowed his food down.

"I'm here, Bella. Just talk to me. What do you want to know?" His face was so expressionless now I didn't know what to think. Was I over reacting again.

"What parentage did you get on your last assessment?" I eyed him warily.

He shook his head. "It doesn't matter," he let out so nonchalantly.

Now I really wanted to know. "You asked what I wanted to know. I want to know what you got on your assessment. It slipped my mind to ask and I'm sorry, but I really want to know."

He sighed and rubbed at the top of the bridge of his noes "Twelve percent, okay."

"Twelve percent?" I asked completely dumbstruck. "Twelve percent?" I ask rhetorically again.

"Yeah..." he let out tiredly with a sigh.

"But you're smart. Like, really smart, Edward. How is that possible. You have been studying so hard." My heart actually broke for him. "Will they kick you out?" I asked because I needed to know.

"Not right now, now if I manage to get back on track." When was he off the track? I knew I had been a distraction to him. More than anyone should have to handle, let alone when they were going though a medical intern-ship.

Looking back into his eyes, he was exhausted. He was exhausted with study, with me and with all the pressure I had unintentionally inflicted upon him.

He gave a small nod but nothing that reassured me. So I went to him. I got up from my seat and pushed my way on to his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck like I felt like I was losing him.

I kissed his temple and for a moment I he let him self go and I could feel his death grip surround me too. His face was buried in my chest and I let him rest there, stroking his cheek with the pad of my thumb.

The next thing I knew, he had stood up and I had wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me through to the bedroom.

It was slow, tense and my heart felt like it was burning inside. I wanted him so badly. Not just in bed, but with me, forever.

I never wanted to be anywhere but by his side. Even the pain that had consumed me before I had met him was never going to be enough for me to attempt to leave him.

He wanted me and I wanted him. It seemed so simple, despite our difficulties.

He kissed me gently as he slowly undressed me. I fought with the buttons on his shirt and the buckle on his belt, but we got there.

Standing in one another's arms, completely naked, all we could do was grasp at the other. Gentle desperation. Silently pleading for the other never to leave.

I never would leave. All I wanted to know why was Edward drifting away from me when it still seemed like he loved me.

He bent at the knees, taking grip of my left leg and wrapping it around his middle. Instinctively, I wrapped the other around him too as I felt his hands on my back, pulling me into him as he lowered us down to the bed.

His body pressed into me and my legs turned to vices as I locked him in my hold.

Threading my fingers through his hair, I tugged on it gently. Our kisses were slow and deep and some other feeling washed over me as his hand cupped the back of my neck, deepening the kiss once again.

I was scared. It felt so tender, so sweet. Too tender, too sweet.

The last time we had made love it had almost been mechanical. It was a fix for our frustration. But this was another level. It seemed as if I could cry at any moment with his touch and the look that I knew he carried in his eyes. I let a small tear escape but I was sure it went by unnoticed.

* * *

We spent the rest of the night in bed. We reheat the food and sneaked below the covers, enjoying one another company, completely.

I lay in his arms with his snaked around my waist and it felt bliss. He was relaxed and that saddening look from his eye was lost.

My head rested in the crook of his his arm and I could smell his sent from his arm pit. Oddly enough he smelled great. Perfect for it being an under arm.

I laughed at the stupid thought and he asked me what I was laughing at. "You," I replied sweetly "You smell great, even your under arm...after a hard days work. How is that possible?"

He laughed lightly and shrugged as he pulled me in even closer to him. His finger tips ran through the ends of my hair that rested on my breast and I loved it. I loved that he would touch me like that. For it to be a sweet gesture rather than gratification.

This was love and any other man that had came before him was simply a mistake. Even Jacob.

* * *

Edward looked down at me as he buttoned up his clean shirt. His lips carried a small grin across them and he just looked divine.

He was getting ready for work and I was going to be running late if I never moved. But I couldn't care in this moment. I had got up early and since his diner last nigh had to be reheat, I made it up to him with is favourite breakfast. Pancakes.

Once we had ate and Edward headed for the shower, I climbed back into bed to smell Edward on the covers as I waited. The shower was now free but I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he got dressed.

"You're going to be late," he reminded me with that smile still on his lips.

I shrugged "I don't care," I cooed back "You're only jealous that I'm still in bed and you are about to head to work right now."

He laughed and agreed.

As he fastened up the buckle on his trousers, he leaned down to kiss me. I reached up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, subsequently pulling him back into the bed with me.

"No games, Swan. I can't be late." I knew he was on a fine line at work with his results of his assessment, even if he wouldn't actually tell me himself.

He was happier today. It was good to see.

I wondered if he would ever tell me what was wrong. I knew something was wrong, but that he just wouldn't admit to it.

Still I took it for what it was today. "I know, I know," I told him as I let go of his neck, releasing him. He stood up and fixed him self up, ready for the day ahead.

I followed him as walked to the front door and kissed his lips before he could leave. He threw his backpack over his shoulder before pulling me into him, hugging me and kissing my cheek then my fore head.

"See you tonight, gorgeous." He winked with a smile and he left me standing at the door, my eyes following him down the stairs of the apartment.

If I knew then that was the last time we would be happy like that, I would have remembered every single detail.

I remembered his smile and his warm lips on my forehead and I only wish I took a moment to savour the sensation on my skin for a moment longer instead of rushing off to the shower and leaving the happiness behind.

* * *

_**Please, leave some love. It's mucho appreciated.**_


	35. All The Lonely People, Part 2

_Not perfect but I needed this chapter. Apologies if it is lacking._

* * *

**All The Lonely People, Where Do They All Belong?**

**BPOV**

"Toast?" I asked as I pushed it across his peripheral and under his nose.

He waved me off with the back of his hand as he continued to read though his notes. He sipped on his coffee though.

He was in a rush. Taking in all the words and caffeine that he could as he sat at the table.

I let the subject of breakfast fall and left him to it as I headed for my morning shower. Rinsing my hair I began to think of memories. What I had done this time two years ago?

It was my mothers birthday and I remembered making her a huge breakfast and taking her birthday present to her. Living in Florida it was a glorious morning despite it being the winter and we made it out to the front of the house after breakfast and the three of us just sat taking in the waves.

Later that night I made dinner after arriving back from school and Phil brought wine back with him from work. We all had a glass. It was simple and it was exactly what my mum wanted. All she wanted was her family around her.

Charlie even called to say a quick Happy Birthday that day. I always found that to be strange and nice all at the same time.

Edward calling on me from the other side of the bathroom door pulled me out of my memory and snapped me back to reality. "I'm off to work, Bella."

Panicking, I had yet to tell him that he had to pick up some wine. That was his job this year. "Edward," I called out to him from the spray of the water, sure that he hadn't heard me. "Edward," I was quickly out the shower with a trail of water behind me. Swiping for my towel I rushed to the bathroom door only to hear the front door slam behind Edward. He was gone.

I hoped that he would at least remember that he had to go to Charlie's tonight. I'd text him later to remind him. I didn't want him to be late.

Getting back in to the shower I shaved my legs and washed my body ready for the day ahead. It was a day to celebrate life, even for the people who had passed. I wasn't going to be sad today. I didn't want to be sad.

Drying myself off, I dressed, picking out a nice little top that my mum had bought me not long before her birthday that year. I had worn it as we had sat down to the birthday diner I had cooked for her. Charlie never knew where it had came from, the top. Edward either. I could wear it without them thinking anything of me... that it might seem strange to them.

Shaking off the feeling, I pulled it on over my head – amazed that I was able to get in to it still. I hadn't grew much over the past two years. Blow drying my hair and putting on a little make up, I was ready for my day. I had work in the morning but had the afternoon off by request so that I was able to be organized.

Pulling up out side the store, I took a deep breath preparing me for my day. Mike knew what today was, that was why I was able to get half of it off. Once I got inside I knew that he would keep an eye to me and ask me if I was all right every fifteen minutes.

Mike was a sweet guy, really. Too sweet at times. His crush on me had never ceased and because of it, he was willing to help me out with anything whenever he could. It was amazing how harshly honest I could be with Mike. I didn't delve too far into any issues with him or let him know any worries that I had with Edward, but I knew if I did go to him, he would listen, and unlike his mother, would keep it to himself.

"Bella," He greeted me with a big grin as soon as I opened the door of the store. "How are you doing today?" His eyes held something in them. Concern?

"Morning Mike," I smiled back as I began to pull of my jacket and make my way across the floor of the store. "I'm doing good, thanks. How are you?"

I listen to him mumble something about the stock take that I was going to have to stay late for next week as I put my jacket into the back room then making my way to the till next to Mike.

It was early and we were still yet to open. I punched in my identification into the till, filling it with the daily float that Mike had set aside for me like he did every day.

"That's fine," I mumbled as I placed change in the till. "You can call for take away or something, to make it up to me." teasingly winked at Mike but he only nodded, agreeing.

"Have you decided what you are cooking up tonight?" he asked, interested. Mike loved to hear about all the food I liked to cook up. He said he spent his life eating take away constantly as his parents were always to busy to cook when he was growing up and that things had never really changed.

"I think some butterflied shrimp with veritable stir fry," I shrugged. "It's pretty easy and it was a favourite of my mom's." I nodded knowing how much we both loved it. It was also what I had made her on her last birthday together. Again, I didn't need to disclose this to anyone else. I'm sure that they would only think I was mad.

"Oh, Bella. You can't do that to me." Mike pouted "Is it late enough to go for lunch?" He asked jokingly.

"I think it's a little to early still. I finished my oatmeal only twenty minutes ago." I laughed at his expression that was plastered across his face.

"I also need to get out of town to buy wine. No one will take my fake ID in this town." I mumbled to myself.

"Wine? I thought... I thought you didn't drink any more." I could see the worry written all over his face.

"Relax. It's for diner. And I don't drink... but I've had the odd glass of wine." I waved him off "Besides, it's for Edward. My dad will have beer in the fridge."

"Why can't Edward get his own wine?" Mike asked curiously. He was staring right at me now.

"I forgot to tell him... it's fine Mike. It's only a bottle of wine." What was he expecting, me to go and get hammered? Nope. Not today, thank you very much.

I suppose it was still hard for people to see that I had changed. I hated that feeling. It made me feel as weak and pathetic as I had been, before I met Edward.

Mike let it drop.

* * *

In Port Angeles, I picked up some wine. It looked like the same bottle that Phil had picked out that day too. There was some ghostly pang in my gut telling me something. I knew it was strange that I was creating the same day but with different people but I felt that it was right. Tonight was going to be good. Nobody was going to take this away from me.

I picked up two bottles just to make sure that we had enough. It would be typical of Charlie to decided to try something new and for us not to have much of it.

Making my way to the cash point, I placed down the bottles of wine on the conveyor belt.

"Bella?" My head snapped up instantly at the woman in front of me. I never noticed her, but she had noticed me and she had noticed the wine on the counter.

"Mrs Heeney," I tried to smile. She was a nosey old boot that loved to tell people exactly what she thought. She was going to ruin this for me. I knew it.

"Wine?" She asked as she quirked an eye brow up at me.

I nodded. "Yes," I replied. ""Special occasion." I shrugged. If I was nice enough maybe she would stay out of my business. She was partial to the gossip of Forks and I had heard my name spill from her tongue on a few occasions.

"No one else to get it?" she bit at me, suspicious.

"No. I forgot to tell Edward to get it this morning. You know, my boyfriend, who I live with. Dr Cullen's son." I smiled trying to show that I had nothing to hide.

"I believe they call that living in sin." She snapped at me.

What? She never said what I thought she did. Did she?

"We love each other, Mrs Heeney. Surely love isn't a sin." I tried to take her insult and show her that I wasn't too offend, even though I was. _Sin?_ She had room to talk. She didn't speak to her son because he was gay. Witch.

I kept calm and knew that I had to only just survive this and I could get back to my day. I was going straight back home to start preparing dinner at Charlie's.

"I believe you are too young to buy that," She motioned to the wine. My eyes narrowed on her.

"I have my ID to prove I'm twenty-one." I lied and hoped that the cashier was oblivious to our exchange.

"So why didn't you get it at Forks? A long way to come for some wine that you could get back home.

"I was in town." I lied again. "I thought I'd pick it up on my way home."

"I saw you at work all of an hour ago." She pushed. What the hell was this?

"What are you? My stalker? I am in town , I picked up some wine. What's the crime?" I practically shouted.

"No crime, sweetheart. Least not yet. If this lovely girl serves you," She motioned to the cashier. "that would be the crime. Fake identification is forgery. Selling Alcohol to a minor is against the law. But I'm sure you know that already, with your father being Chief of Police." Cow. I was ready for smacking her.

She was pulling my day apart.

"Besides, alcohol is work of the devil. We all know the devilish things you have done. Perhaps you should avoid today's binge and go home and be a good daughter to that father of yours. Lord knows he has been put through enough.

I looked down at her completely stunned. She had no idea of anything. Who was she to go around preaching to me?

I looked toward the cashier and she shook her head, silently refusing me. My eyes narrowed on Mrs Heeney and I quickly turned away from her, racing out of the shop feeling embarrassed.

* * *

Panic and nerves built simultaneously as I stood at the door.

_What was I doing here? _

_This was wrong. So so wrong._

I tried to put the idea out of my head. All I would do is get a little of what I needed and then I could relax a little. I knew that if Charlie and Edward found out they would be disappointed, but I needed it. My casual manor from this morning was gone and in its place was self doubt that I still wasn't strong enough to get though this.

And right now, with the way things had been, I didn't feel like I had a soul to speak too.

If I did this, this one little thing it would be enough to relax me and get me through the day.

_It was only a little bit of pot, right?_

The door opened and on the other side James stood. His smile was wide, if a little surprised. "Well, well, well. Look who is gracing my door today," He sighed. "It's been a while, sugar. Hows you?" He nodded, silently letting me into his apartment.

_I was only going to get what I needed and then I was gone. I was going to be five minutes. _

I walked in knowing that James would never simply just give me what I needed at the front door. That was not the way he did business.

With a beer in his hand he motioned to the lounge and I walked into the room ahead of him. I froze when I saw it. A kilo of cocaine.

It was just sitting there on the coffee table.

"It's pretty, aint it?" He joked as he swerved past me and straight to the drugs that lay on the table. It was for the most part unwrapped. He was sectioning it, breaking it onto smaller portions to sell of easier.

I was still stunned to see it. I wasn't sure if I had ever saw as much in one go before. I had never been near the stuff after Alice had ended up in hospital and I knew that I was never going to go near it again.

"Do you want some?" James asked as he lined up some with a razor blade. I only shook my head and swallowed hard. James was all to aware of my fear of it after what had happened to Alice. He knew that I had only ever stuck to marijuana after the whole incident. "I know you're worried, but I'll make sure you're safe this time. It's me who's preparing it." he smiled and he really did seem almost caring.

My legs betrayed me and walked to him, taking a seat on the floor with him. I was more curious to the substance and how he was getting it ready to sell it. I didn't want any.

He rolled up a note and passed it to me, offering me a line. I shook my head. "I have money." I told him clearly. I never gave James money because when I was a wreck, I paid James back with favours. Sexual favours.

I hated myself for doing what I had, moreso when Edward had found out, but at the same time, I tried not to berate myself to much as it was all in the past.

_This was all in the past. _

_What was I doing back here?_

James took the offered line and snorted it, taking traces of the powder and rubbing it into his gums. The difference in him was instantaneous and I was glad that I had knocked it back.

_This wasn't me._

I felt hot, worried. _What was I doing here?_

Edward was going to be so disappointed in me. I had let him and Charlie down.

"Pot?" James smiled. I nodded knowing it was easier to go thought with the deal and throw the stuff away than to just up and leave. James didn't like people backing out, especially if they were in his apartment.

"Just a little," I croaked out, trying to hide my fear. I held out ten dollars to him, sure it would be enough.

"A joint?" He asked simply. I nodded to him again.

_I wanted out of here._

He stood up and walked to a little box that was across the room. Opening it, he pulled out a pre-rolled joint and turned to me as I stood. "You know I don't take cash from you, Swan. It would be a conflict of interest for your daddy." he laughed.

My heart rate picked up, worried of what he wanted from me. He wasn't getting me. I had a boyfriend. "I-I have a boyfriend," my words stumbled out as if I thought that it would put him off. It wasn't going to out him off.

"Yeah. I heard. You and the young Cullen doc." he nodded. "And there was all those people gossiping that it was you and Alice that were at it." He laughed. "But come on, Swan, you know how this one works. I won't tell anybody if you don't." He smirked holding his hands up in the air, as if to surrender.

_Shit. _

_I wasn't doing this. Not to Edward._

He stood right in front of me, grabbing at my hip, pulling me into him, making me kiss him.

For some reason the panic had filed though me enough to go along with it, if only to get out of this unharmed. I knew the stories of James. He got what he wanted.

I was scared and I had no one to blame but myself and my own stupidity.

He pulled me down onto the couch with him, his hand around the back of my neck, never letting me escape him. I was over his lap and with the restraint of his hand, I was stuck.

His other hand gripped at my side, pulling me down onto him as his tongue pushed into my mouth, choking me.

I wanted to cry.

_Edward._

_Edward._

_Edward._

It was all I could think about to let my mind escape from the situation. I hadn't thought about this at all. Instead of taking a moment to think about what I was going to do, I jumped right in and landed my self in danger.

His grip was sore, manipulative. To get what he wanted from me.

His hand began to tug on my top, the top that my mother had gave to me. I couldn't take it off. No.

_I loved Edward._

He had saved me from this and now I had just screwed it all up.

How was I going to explain this to him?

Was James right? Could it be a secret?

That thought didn't settle too well.

Pulling on my top, he brought it high up against me, looking for me to take it off. His death grip on my neck was released and I took the moment to try and get out of this. "I can't," I blurted out. "I have a boyfriend."

His gaze turned to a frown and his hand captured my wrist as tried to pull my top back down. His hold on my wrist was a warning. I thought it was going to snap with how tight he held onto me.

"Bella, this is the way we do business. It doesn't change." he practically roared. He let go of my hand and pulled my top off of me, tearing it a little in the process.

It fell to the floor and my body filled with panic at this monster. He was high and drunk. The concoction mixed in his body and made him seem almost like superman. Fast and strong and completely ready to use it against me.

_Edward._

_Edward._

_Edward._

**BANG**

We both jumped, startled with the sound.

**BANG**

We looked at one another unsure of what exactly was happening. All I knew was that someone was kicking down that front door and I was about to get my chance to flee.

**BANG**

And before I knew it the sound of the front door being broken down echoed thought the apartment. I was tossed from James' knee and sent crashing to the floor, through the glass coffee table and the kilo of cocaine.

Once this was over, James was going to kill me.

"POLICE." The loud booming voice came from the hall and within milliseconds there was a wave of guns pointed in our direction. Looking up from one of the barrels I looked up into the deeply disappointed eyes of my dad.

* * *

"Please," I begged him. He shook his head as he tightened the cuffs around my wrist. I wanted my top back. Instead, my dad thought it was best to humiliate me, for me to walk out to the car and to the station in my bra.

"This one needs the hospital." He motioned to me as if I was someone he didn't even know. _Wait? Hospital?_

"No," I argued. "I don't need the hospital." I tried. I knew I needed the hospital. Taking a head first dive in to a glass coffee table had left a gash across my forehead where blood was trickling out from. It didn't seem to want to stop either. On top of that I was covered in about half of the cocaine, half of the police evidence from the raid. Apparently they knew that James had just received a delivery and were quick off the mark to try and clean it up before it had a chance to hit the streets.

My dad pushed me to the ground, seating me next to James who was also cuffed. James looked at me with a death glare, no doubt convinced that I had led them here.

I hadn't.

Other officers looked down at me with disgust in there eyes.

I was trash to them and I was always going to be that way. To them, to everybody.

"So why exactly are you here, Bella?" My dads stern cop voice scared the living hell out of me.

"I-I..." I tried.

"She dropped off the kilo," James shrugged nonchalantly. My head snapped in his direction at his obvious lie. The thing was it was obviously a lie to me, but who would my dad believe?

"I never." I shouted back in protest to James. Turning to Charlie I looked up to him from my spot on the floor. "I never. I promise on my mom's grave. He's lying." Charlie's eyes lit with fury at swearing on my mom's grave. I think the real issue was that she never had a grave. Or it could be the fact that it was her birthday. It was a sensitive day all round.

"Enough," He shouted as he grabbed hold of my forearm, pulling me to my feet. "I'm taking her to emergency. Gonna get her head checked out then I'll bring her back to the station for a formal statement. Clear out this place and place him in the cell and leave him until I get back." He motioned to James.

"Will I come with you Chief?" One of the other officers asked, clearly trying to keep to protocol.

He thought for a moment and finally nodded, accepting the offer and keeping his conscience clear. _Such a good cop_, I thought bitterly. It was going to be my only time to try and talk him out of taking me to the hospital. If Edward was to see me, he was going to freak out. I could lose him.

I shook the thought out of my head. I wasn't going to lose him. He loved me, he would let me explain this and we would get through it.

So why did doubt swirl through my veins at the thought?

I was man handled by my own father as he began to push me out the door. "Wait," I begged. "My top. Least let me take it with me. Mom bought me it." At my words I saw a flicker of weakness in his eyes. He nodded, picked up the top, holding onto it as he continued to push me out into the street. I was lucky, only a few faces that I didn't actually recognise was all that littered the street. They still stared right at me, in only my underwear. I dropped my head, trying to hide my face and my shame as I was put into the back of the cruiser.

Pulling away from the scene, we headed for the hospital.

* * *

Now I cried. Now.

I hated the fear I felt in my body. Edward was going to find out everything. He was going to be so mad at me.

"Why were you there, Bella?" My dad asked me once more. This time there was no one around to interrupt me.

I wiped at my tears with the back of my right hand having my left had cuffed to the bed. Apparently it was standard procedure. And I was still only in my bra and jeans. "I had..." I sighed and started again. "I forgot to ask Edward to get wine for tonight so I decided to drive out of town and use my fake ID." Why did I do it? Why did I feel that I needed it to be exactly as it had been last time? "I met that old bat, Mrs Heeney. She just started having a go at me." I tried not to cry. "I had the wine in my hand. Two bottles and she just... she just went for me." I let the tears roll from my eyes. "She said I was going to binge and she said I was living in sin. The wine was for diner." I shrugged. Did he care? Did he believe me?

"How did you end up at James's? Out of all the places you could have went, out of all the people..." He sighed, disappointment lacing his words.

"I needed to relax. I just needed something to take the edge off of the run in I had. I-I just felt so lost and I couldn't go to Edward-"

"Why not?" He snapped at me. "Why couldn't you just come here and see him. If you were upset-"

I interrupted him. He had no idea that Edward and I were falling apart. "He's stressed, dad. He doesn't need me bothering him. I can't even remember the last time we had a real conversation." I sobbed into my hand.

"Me then, Bella." He shouted. "You should have came to me." I nodded knowing he was right.

I just acted without thinking of anybody. "I just never thought. I'm sorry. I thought I'd have a smoke and that it would calm me. That it could just make me feel..." I sighed off never finishing my words. I didn't know what or how to feel right now.

The curtain pulled back revealing Edward. His eyes shadowed with worry and he was looking ghostly white. "My god, you're all right." He gasped as he reached for me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

I tightened my right arm, gripping him, trying to keep him with me for a moment longer before he realized any of the situation.

He let out a little laugh as he pulled back from me. "You look like you have fell through a flour mill." The small smile and the relief on his face only lasted a few minutes as his eyes began inspecting me.

His eyes went to my head, his fingers following and his thumb stroked below the opening of the wound. I loved that careful touch he had. Looking down he saw me in my bra and my hand cuffed to the bed.

Charlie was setting this up as an example. I was being made a fool of because of my mistake.

"Bella?" He asked as the confusion set in. I couldn't speak. I couldn't even look at him.

"Bella?" He asked again, this time more firm. Demanding. From the corner of my eye I could see him turn to Charlie looking for an answer.

Of course, Charlie was going to tell him Everything. I felt sick.

"It's cocaine. We found her at James' when we went to raid his house." The tone in Charlie's voice was sorry, but I was sure it was only sorry to Edward.

"Bella?" Edward called on me again. He was giving me time to explain myself. What the hell was I to say to this? Would he believe me? That I didn't want it. That I changed my mind because I didn't want to let him down. I doubted it.

My jaw was tugged on sharply and I was made to face him. "What the hell is this?" He spat. "You went to James?" He asked completely hurt. His eyes gazed down to only my bra and I knew his mind was racing to all the wrong conclusions.

"Wait. Let me explain." I tried. "I-I-"

"You are a liar, Bella. I know all of your shit and I have put up with it. I am not listening to what ever excuse you have now."

"Edward," My dad tried. Now he tries? What was the point? If he had given me time... a moment to even fix my appearance this could have all turned out differently. Edward though that I had cheated on him.

"No, Charlie. I don't care. Not any more. I'm through with all of this." He sneered at me one last time before turning his back to me and walking away.

"Give him time." My dad told me as if it was actually going to mean something.

I looked at him, angry and disgusted. He shook off my look and turned away from me. "He needed to know the truth, Bella."

"The truth? You think he saw the truth? He thinks I cheated on him." I roared and sobbed all at the same time.

"Didn't you?" He asked, confusion flitted across his face and he thought I had cheated too.

"No." I shouted again. "I did not cheat. I-I... What's the point. You won't believe me. I couldn't get away. He-he was..." I couldn't say he was forcing me. I didn't even know how to explain it. " He was high. He wanted things... I didn't. I didn't even want the stupid joint after I saw it. I knew Edward would be..." I sob wrecked my body knowing that it was all over. He would never take me back. "He would have been disappointed in me."

Charlie looked at me, shock written all over his face. He didn't know what to believe and I knew now he was doubting himself over bringing me here in the first place.

* * *

I was just so tired. I couldn't stop the tears from coming.

Sitting in the apartment, I waited for Edward to get back home from work. I hadn't saw him for the rest of the day. After I had my cut fixed up and a couple of paper stitches put over it, I was back at the station.

I never had any formal questioning though. Instead, Charlie sat me down and made me go through it all. What exactly happened when I was with James. He grew mad at my stupidity but mostly he grew mad with James. I wasn't trying to pass the buck of my own downfall, I was simply only trying to tell him exactly what had happened and how I had felt. Trapped.

Sitting on the couch my nerves knotted in my stomach thinking all about the looks I was going to get from Edward. He didn't know I was here. Would he assume I would come here? Would he come back here? He was already late.

Before I knew it I heard the front door opening. I kept quiet. I didn't want him to run straight right back out the door.

I waited for him to come to the lounge but he never. Instead, I heard him make his way to our bedroom.

I had to go to him. I had to explain it all.

Quietly, I crept after him. "Edward," he jumped at my voice and turned around to meet me. His eyes looked shattered. Had he been crying?

"Get out of my apartment." he shouted instantly, jumping towards me. "Out of my bedroom and out of my apartment. I don't want to see your face again."

"No," I fought hard to stay standing. He was trying to edge me to the door. "I need to explain. I need to tell you what happened. I need you to believe me because I'm telling you the truth, okay?" I begged.

"Leave, Bella. I-I don't want to hear any of it." He shouted pushing my back up against the front door. He pulled me into him for a brief second as he opened the door and tried to push me out of it.

"No," I fought. "Please, Edward," I braced my hands against he frame of the door and the edge of it. Trying to stop him. "If you love me, you will let me explain everything." I tried.

He pulled me back and slammed the door closed, letting me catch my breath. "Puck up you're shit and get out of here. You were topless..." his tone caught me off guard. He was always so strong, I had saw him gradually fall and now he was on the floor after what I had done. But I still hadn't done anything wrong. Not really. Not what he was thinking at least.

"He took it off of me," I argued back.

"And you just let him?" he asked disbelievingly.

"No... yes. I did. I was scared all right. He was high and drunk and-and I couldn't stop him. I thought he was going to break my arm."

Edward instantly pulled on both of may arms, inspecting for any tell tale marks to prove my story. There wasn't any marks though.

"I had a run in with someone in a shop and I felt shit. I just wanted to get stoned and forget all about it. Once I was there though I knew I was wrong. I tired to pay for it and leave... but this was James.

"Did he force himself on you?" And for the briefest moment I could see concern for me in his eyes. But James hadn't forced me. Not really at least. It had stopped before it got to that point. I shook my head.

"No, not like that he didn't" And the concern from his eyes was gone.

"You did it willingly?" He asked, his voice breaking.

"Nothing happened. My dad..." I sighed. "I don't know what would have happened. I didn't want any of it. You have to believe me. All I thought about was you."

He let himself slide down the wall, taking in my words. He looked utterly devastated and I hated myself for even getting out of bed this morning.

"You're covered in cocaine... I thought you hated that stuff. Why?" He asked.

"I didn't want it. I wasn't there for that. It was just laying out and when my dad busted in I was sent thought the coffee table. It was on top of it." I shrugged.

"You didn't do any?" I was gob smacked with that question.

"Of course not. I've never done it before. Not after what happened to Alice. Do I look high to you?" I asked grabbing his jaw and making him look deep into my eyes. I wasn't high, I was petrified.

He pulled away from my hand looking anywhere else but at me.

"Did you kiss him?" He asked with worry. I was sure he knew that answer.

"He kissed me, yes. I-I really didn't-"

"Shut up. I don't want any excuses, Bella." He snapped at me so I closed my mouth.

He sighed and looked down at the floor. "I want you to pack up what you can and I want you to leave. I want you gone and I don't want to ever have to think about you again, let alone speak to you." My heart broke. It couldn't all just end like this. Not after everything we had been through.

I begged. "No, no, please." I grabbed hold of his shirt. "It can't be like this. It was all a mistake. I didn't want to kiss him. He made me," What exactly was I saying here. It was as if I had fought him off. The only reason I never had though was because I was scared. "I love you Edward-"

"And I thought you loved me enough to come to me instead of going after all that shit. Why did you do it?" he growled.

"You-you... I haven't saw you in so long, Edward. You're here, but you're not really with me. You don't talk to me. I just didn't know what to do. I snapped for a moment and then I came to my senses but it was too late by then." I crawled up on to his knee and for some reason he let me.

I reached for his lips, kissing him gently. I wanted him to kiss me back. To take away the taste of James and his Budweiser. "I love you so much, Edward. I know I made a mistake, but just kiss me and try to put it behind us. We can get over this. I'm too scared to move from here Edward. Kiss me. He made me kiss him. I want you to kiss me. I want you to erase it all." I pushed forward and he pushed me away. He stood up and I slid into a ball on the hall at his feet.

"If you wanted me to kiss you, you really shouldn't have mentioned him." He walked into the bedroom and I quickly rushed to my feet, following after him.

"I'm sorry. I was only trying to be honest. I want you." I cried. Floods of tears consumed me as I watched him race around the room packing up my things. "Please don't do this. Please."

He ignored me. He never said a word and he never looked at me.

"Edward," I begged collapsing onto the bed. I just needed him to look at me. Let me explain it all. Let me explain it all to him like I had explained it all to Charlie. But he chose to ignore me.

Once he filled up a bag of my things he reached for my arm and lifted me up from the bed and pushed me through the apartment to the front door. I argued, begged, pleaded. He never answered me and he never looked at me. Pushing me through the door ,he slammed it in my face.

And just like that, I was all on my own again.

This time though, I had no one but myself to blame and I knew that no one was going to come and rescue me either.

* * *

_**Please leave a little review!**_


	36. Help

a/n: Sorry it took a bit longer – I just want to get it right since its getting to towards the end. Over 9000 words though.

* * *

**Help**

_**Three months later**_

_**BPOV**_

"I'm heading out now, dad," I called through to the kitchen to him. "I'll be back tomorrow." I continued as I placed my backpack on my shoulder.

"Are you sure, Bella? I mean why don't you give it some more thought before you act. If it's meant to be it's meant to be." He leaned against the wall looking at me with concern.

I shook his worries away from my head. I needed to do this. "Dad it's only an interview. I might not even get in." I shrugged. I was heading to Seattle to speak with one of their community colleges there. I had my place at Port Angeles but I needed away from here. It was all haunted with bad memories and opinions I just couldn't change. If I got in to one of the colleges in Seattle it was decided that I was moving in with Alice.

Between Edward and myself, nothing had changed. Charlie had went around to pack up the rest of my belongings and I had a choice to make. I could fall apart and let myself become _that _girl again, or I could learn from my mistakes and take what Edward had gave me and keep pushing ahead. I chose the latter. I wasn't about to spend my time falling apart all over again to end up in the same situation or worse.

My heart still broke for Edward but he didn't want me. I had tried calling and texting. He never answered and he never replied. I had even spent the whole of the next day banging on his door begging for forgiveness and asked for him to only hear me out. He didn't want to hear me out and I let it go knowing that if he was too proud to listen to the truth, then I was to proud to turn back into that wreck again.

Edward had given me so much and I was grateful. No one else had been willing to spend their time with me. No one else wanted anything to do with me – they still didn't. And that was when I realized I was in the wrong place. I might have been saved here in Forks by Edward but I was going to keep myself breathing all on my own in Seattle, where I could meet new people and forget about my past that followed me around. It was time for a new chapter in my life.

Granted it was going to be with Alice and I was also still a firm regular with Aro. But I had my life back. _My own life_. It was last week that the papers were singed and my rights were given back to me. Charlie thought he was being to hasty but Aro was proud of me for over coming my separation with Edward so well.

It wasn't that I took it well, more of a case I didn't go to the nearest bar and get hammered.

"I saw him yesterday, you know?" Charlie's brown eyes were wide and hopeful that I wasn't only trying to escape because I could, but because I wanted too. He liked to throw in the odd mention of Edward up at least once a week to gage my reaction.

Honestly, it stung like hell. I had spent the first two weeks of our break up in tears, hiding in my room with the exception of when I had to go to work.

I looked at Charlie waiting for his titbit. The words that would knot my insides and make me want to cry all over again. "He was coming out of the Old Tavern, drunk." The look on Charlie's face was full of pity and concern.

"And he was so quick to judge me. Maybe it's karma," I snapped hating the bitching I was giving to an unbeknown Edward.

"Bells," He chided, "Don't be like that. Maybe you should try talking with him again. He might be up for that now." When did Charlie become such a pushover for Edward Cullen? I still remembered the time I thought he was going to beat the living crap out of him when I had put myself in hospital.

"Dad, I've been through this. I tried. He didn't want to listen to me then, he still won't want to listen now. Besides it was the weekend, maybe he was out with friends." I argued. It wasn't like Edward to get drunk. There must have been an occasion.

"He was out himself," He told me sharply. " We talked... He even cried." Was he trying to completely destroy me here?

"Dad, I have to go," I argued. I needed to be at that meeting tomorrow morning. I was just ignoring his words now. Clearly Charlie had more than listened to him.

"He still loves you, Bells. He just cant admit it 'cause he's hurtin'"

""Dad," I shouted. "There is no point. I tired calling, I tried texting. He has my number. If he wants to speak to me he knows where I am." I wasn't standing for this.

"You know once upon a time I knew a girl who pushed everyone away too. Then this guy came and he just kept pushing and pushing. He was always just a step behind her too, pulling her out from bars when she got drunk." No, no, no. He can't make me feel guilty.

"Don't you want me to be happy?" I asked incredulously. He was setting me up for a mental breakdown here.

"Bella, I want the best for you, you know I do. And if Seattle is it, it's it... But I know you still love him. I know that you have held yourself together so well... you just done it too damn well, sweetheart. And honestly, I would have liked to have seen you fight for him a little bit harder." _You have got to be kidding me. _

" You know there was a time when you didn't like him... you wanted me to be with Jake-"

"Yes and you _were_ with Jake," he eyed me with that sharp gaze no doubt remembering catching me and Jake in our compromising position."But Edward made you a better person. All I'm saying its been three months, you both still obviously aren't over one another and all I'm suggesting is that you try to talk to him. He can do with a good ear." he shrugged.

We looked at one another for a moment, silence filling the room. "I need to go to Seattle. If Alice was worried, she would have told me by now." I tried to argue. With that, I left the house headed for Seattle and hopefully the beginning of a fresh start.

* * *

I never stopped in to see Edward. I didn't belong there with him anymore. Too much damage had been done and too much time had passed between us.

We had successfully avoided one another with the one exception of passing one another in the grocery store. Even then he ignored me and looked right thought me as if I never existed. That was when I lost hope. That was last month.

On the road to Seattle I listened to the radio trying to put my dad's words out of my mind. What did he mean he was crying? Was Edward crying to Charlie? Charlie must have loved that one. He struggles to see me crying, never mind a grown man.

I knew I might have sounded bitter and harsh towards the whole situation, but if I didn't look after my heart, who would? Certainly not Edward.

A few days after everything had kicked off, I got a visit from Alice. She came back to Forks and tried to fix it. For Edward to listen. He never. She grew frustrated and after she listened to me, she decided she wasn't taking any sides on the matter. I was lucky that she never kicked me into touch as well.

The both of us curled up on my bed that day, she explained that she knew it would be a matter of time before I stumbled along the way on my recovery at some point. It wasn't that she didn't have faith in me to get better, she just knew there would be days that were harder than the rest. She also told me that she warned Edward that it would happen and that he had to stand by me no matter what. Apparently he promised he would. _Liar._

Edward was her brother, but I was her friend. If Edward made her choose, she said she was choosing me. I didn't want any family fall out over me again but Edward never spoke of me to her with the exception on when she tried to start the conversation. He always put an end to it, ignoring her.

So I still had Alice and after getting my rights back and spending a weekend with Alice and Jasper, it was decided I was moving to Seattle.

Honestly, I was a little hesitant. Things has just went so fast. I called up the college and spoke to them the Monday after being with Alice and less than a week later I found myself en route to Seattle for my interview a week later.

Charlie of course didn't like it. He understood why I was wanting away from Forks, but he didn't want me to leave. I saw it as having my life back and I decided to live the kind of life that my mom would have been proud to see me live.

I was saving hard. I kept my head down and I worked away. I was doing everything that was wanted from me. I spent my time with Jake and the odd weekend with Alice. I had even went out with Mike. Not as in a date, but as friends. We just hung out. It was actually pretty nice getting to know him. I had spent all my time putting up with him, but if you listen to him, he's really just a goofy kid a heart.

The gossip still flowed and that was when I realized I needed to get away from Forks. Nothing was going to change in a small town. You either lived with it or moved away from it.

I was trying to put Charlie's words out of my head but I felt like I just couldn't shake them off.

_He had been crying._

Maybe him being upset had nothing to do with me. But Charlie also head that he still loved me but

just couldn't admit to it, so there must have been something said for him to think that.

I realized then I was playing with Edward's chain around my neck. His Saint Christopher that he gave to me before we left for my rehab. I still hadn't taken it off, or the little wooden bracelet either. I still wore Jakes deity that he gave to me too though.

I let my fingers pull away from my neck and turned off the radio. Silence.

I tried to concentrate on only the road until I got to Seattle.

I didn't.

* * *

Settling down for the night in the spare room, I tried to sleep. But I couldn't. My mind was going at a million miles per hour and I didn't see it stopping any time soon.

This was Charlie's fault. He should never had told me that he had seen Edward. I was needing encouragement about the future, not my past screw ups.

I knew I messed up everything that day, but for Charlie to push for something out of me. It was constant. I felt incredibly strong that I never let him see tears, but it still didn't mean that they never came.

When I got to Alice's, Jasper had been around. I didn't want to mention Edward in front of him but I was still dying to ask Alice how he was. Did she know that he seemed as bad as he did?

I know that they never spoke of me, but how did he act? How was he living? How was his internship going?

I wanted to know everything.

There was a small knock on my door and before I knew it, the key to all my questions was standing in front of me.

"Thought I'd come and see how you are before you fall asleep. Somethings wrong." It wasn't even a question. Alice was too damn perceptive for her own good. I was trying to hid my thoughts and keep it general. I had been trying to forget Charlie's words.

She practically pirouetted across the the room and bounced on to the bed, climbing below the covers and joining me.

Her lips pouted a little as she looked up at me. "Still so strong, Bella," She mused. "You know, I wish that for just once that you would really break down and get smashed. End up passed out on someone's lawn or something." What the...

"Why?" I asked surprised.

"Because least you would be showing something. I know your hurt and I know that this is killing you, but you are... you're just so normal."

"Wasn't this what everyone wanted? For me to be normal? For me to not go and get drunk?"

Alice shook her head. "Normally, yes. You had a bad day and ended up in a shit situation and then your boyfriend broke up with you and kicked you out... and then your normal. It's okay to fall apart. You did it long enough after your mom died."

I let out an aggravated sigh "I'm never good enough. I'm too much of a mess and I need to be fixed and then when I am, I'm too cold and I need to be messing up again just to show I have feelings." I snapped.

She shook her head and pulled on my hand. "No. You have done so well. Really you have. We're all proud of you. You just don't have to pretend to be all right when your not." Her tone was gentle and so was her touch when she squeezed my hand, reassuring me.

"How is he?" I asked. "Really? Charlie said he was crying at the weekend. Is he really as bad as that?"

Alice shrugged "I don't know how he is. I think he's bad though. He has kinda pulled away from us all over the past few months. Mum hasn't saw him in almost four weeks." This wasn't good. Not good at all.

"Should I try to talk to him?" I pushed, hoping she would say yes. I wanted to see him. It was all I really wanted. I wanted to see him and for him to want me again.

"Something just doesn't sit right though, Bella." She never answered my question. " He knew that you would mess up along the way," I narrowed my eyes at her a little and she dismissed me instantly "I'm not having a go at you. Like I said he knew you would do something... but we just didn't know what. The situation – yeah he would have been mad at it, but he would still have understood it. I really think that it was the cherry on top for him. Like you said, he had been so withdrawn... and he was beginning to struggle at work. I think that it was just an excuse to push you away. Maybe he had been waiting for you to mess up." she rose her brows at her words and I didn't know what to say.

She had been going by what I had said, that he _was_ withdrawn and that he had done bad at work. Maybe I was painting a bad picture and he decided to just get rid of me. Or maybe she was right, the things I had noticed was a flashing beechen and he was just waiting to push me away.

But he loved me. I knew he did. Why would he push me away?

"What do you think I should do, Alice?" I asked feeling a heavy knot hit my stomach.

"Go to him. And don't give up until you get some sort of explanation from him. If he is mad at you for what you did, then he's mad at you, but make sure that he knows everything and then if he still wants to walk away... there isn't much you can do." That was exactly the reason I didn't want to go. I knew after seeing him in the grocery store last month that my heart had lost hope, but had I really? Or was it simply hardening that little bit more trying to protect its self?

* * *

Next morning I had my interview and it went without fail. Again, a letter would be simply a formality. I was accepted into school and I would now push forward with my life in Seattle with Alice. It's what I had to do.

I couldn't sit around in fear of the future. I had done that for too long and I had missed so much because of it. I was seizing my opportunity with both hands and never letting it go. After all it was Forks that I truly was needing to leave behind.

Before I left for home, I caught up with Alice once again. We went for coffee and sipped on it as the day brightened.

It felt like a new day, like a new era. I suppose in a way it was. I had been given my life raft and on my own I had paddled back to dry land. Now it was time for me get back on with it. Get back on with life and the simple pleasures of enjoying my education once again.

With a peck on the cheek and the promise to call "if" I spoke to Edward, I was on my way back home.

I was back in no time with the roads being relatively quiet and I got bored quick. It was three in the afternoon when I got back and after preping dinner, doing the washing and a general clean of the house, I was all out of chores to do.

Making way way back to my room I lay out in my bed just wondering what to do with myself.

I did nothing. All I thought about was Edward.

My dad's words... Alice's words... they all rang in my head and I just couldn't seem to turn it off.

Was Edward okay? He had been so fixated on me, that maybe he had burned himself out. Maybe that was all he needed, time away from me. I could live in hope.

I knew I was setting myself up for a fall. He wasn't just going to simply let me into his life all over again after three months apart and not speaking to me at all. I had tried to talk to him but he ignored me. I had tried. But had I tried hard enough? Maybe I should have fallen apart. Maybe I should have got drunk and made a sceptical of myself to show him how much impact he had on me. He was bigger than the loss of my mom, yet I had kept hold of myself so well. Perhaps it was because I knew he was still alive and only on the other side of town.

I just didn't want to let him down. I felt compelled to keep myself together for his sake. To show him that I wasn't a complete wash out with no hope of a better life. He had bettered me and I wasn't going to just give it up. He deserved better than that. Besides I wanted to show to him that the James and the marijuana incident was purely a monumental fuck up and not the way I planned on carrying on my life.

On the grapevine of this sleepy old town, I had heard that James had been giving a good beating a couple of weeks after the whole incident and Charlie assured me it had nothing to do with him. We were a small town and that was they way things were often handled... even if it were the police.

James had been out on bail and his case was due to go to court and I was supposed to be part of it but not long after the beating, James packed up and skipped out of town with his fat lip and black eye.

Apparently Edward was also spotted with some cuts up knuckles too at the same time.

If it was Edward, I just hope it helped him feel better. But I doubt it did.

So all I did was lie in bed and think about him. God I missed him.

"What would you like to drink with dinner?" I asked Charlie as I plated up our food.

"Just a beer, thank." He smiled up as he waited at the table for his dinner and beer flicking through today's paper. "It's a scary place, that city," My dad pointed to the paper at some murder of a young college boy in Seattle. I let my eyes flicker over the headline and shook of my dads worries.

"I'll be fine. I survived a lot more than the streets of Seattle," I part joked. "Besides, I have Alice and pepper spray... what else do I need?" I grinned. It was sad to see that a boy had been killed but it wasn't going to stop me from going. It could happen any where. I wasn't letting him encourage anymore irrational fear all so that he could keep me safe in Forks.

Placing his plate in front of him, I sat down with mine and began to eat. I had spent the entire day preparing this and thinking about Edward I hadn't realized all I had was coffee and a muffin today.

He continued to pace through the paper and point out any worrying story from the city to try to put some fear into me. So I just put it out there.

"I think I'm going to go and try to speak to Edward." The pacing stopped instantly and his head shot up, looking at me with a surprised look on his face. It was a mixture of hope and worry.

"Are you ready for that?" he asked with a timid tone to his voice. Oh now he was worried. After he made me feel guilty only yesterday.

"I don't know. I just think it would be good to leave on a better note than when we had spoke last time." I was lying, I was praying he'd reconsider everything.

Was I going to do more damage than good?

_Likely. _

Did I care?

_Of course I did. _

Was it a risk I was willing to take?

_Without doubt._

"D-do you want me to come with you? You know, to make sure he is okay when he sees you." Oh god did he have that little confidence in the situation. If he seemed so unsure, why had he be trying to press me into seeing him?

"No, I'll be fine," I hoped.

"Sure?" He checked. Was Edward that bad?

"If there is something I should know, tell me now. I plan on going to see him but if you think its a bad idea, I wont." I quipped back.

"No. No, nothing at all. Just remember he's just hurt. Just remember that if he gets mad." I swallowed hard at that though.

He was going to scare the living hell out of me, Wasn't he?

* * *

Pulling up outside his apartment it was a little after eight.

Looking up at the building I felt a pang of emotion hit me. I had really missed this place. It held something deep in me. It wasn't just Edward apartment, it was where he pieced me back together again. Night after night. Keeping all the bad dreams away and keeping me safe in his arms.

Thinking about the night that he brought me back here for the first time, I felt my skin pebble. He was so harsh and bitter towards me. He didn't like me but when I woke up screaming in the middle of the night he was there to sooth and settle me. It had been the best night sleep I had since my mom had passed.

And then I stole that bottle of vodka from him and he came after me and... and he just made everything right again. He had literally saved my life when he had came into my house that night.

We danced around one another night after night and everything happened so fast. Perhaps it was too fast and that was why we had ended up here. I couldn't be sure. Maybe he couldn't have saved me if it had been any other way. Who knows.

His Volvo sat parked up in the drive and it looked filthy. He had always kept it clean. It looked like he hadn't washed it for a few months. Shaking that concern from my mind, I opened my trucks door and climbed out, slamming it shut behind me.

Walking up to the recess door, I pushed through and nervously struggled up the stairs leading to his apartment. I knocked.

_Nothing._

I knocked again, trying to be patient and praying that he had never saw me or my truck and was ignoring me.

_Nothing. _

I tried to hear if anyone were in the apartment, pressing my ear up to the door. I couldn't hear anything, but it didn't mean that he wasn't in there. His car was in the drive.

I banged against the door once again, calling his name this time as I did. "Edward, open the door,"

"I plan too," was the flat comeback. Edward was at the foot of the stairs and had only just came through the recess door of the apartment block. Looking at him, he was sweating.

He raced up the steps and pulled out his keys, "What do you want, Bella?" He asked annoyed.

"You." I shook my head and tried mentally to calm my blush. "I wanted to speak to you," I corrected.

"Well I don't want to speak to you. So you can go now." He opened his apartment door and walked though it, ignoring me and closing it behind him.

"No," I argued, pushing against the door. "I need to speak to you." I felt panic surge through me, that I had lost my chance to say anything to him. "Please, its important." By this time he was keeping his foot at the bottom of the door so I couldn't push against it. I still tried though.

"Bella, I have absolutely nothing to say to you and anything you wish to say to me, I have no interest in. Now go." he snapped.

"Please," I begged. "It's important... something I think you should know," I tried to install worry and curiosity into him, if only to get me through the front door. "Alice said something to me... I'm worried," About you, not about her. But I wasn't going to finish off that sentence.

His eyes narrowed on me, "What did she say?" You could see his worry begin to form on his face. His furrowed brows, his slightly pouted lips, the look of concentration waiting on any word or detail that I was supposed to give him.

I shook my head, "Not here, Edward," I let my eyes dance along the hall of the apartment block, knowing that we could be interrupted at any moment.

"No, here or nothing," He stubbornly argued.

Fine "Okay, nothing," I shrugged and turned my back on him, intent to leave it as it was. If he wasn't going to even let me in to listen to something that was concerning his sister, he wasn't going to let me in. I was giving up... for the time being. It was an improvement from the shouting at me and ignoring me. Least he had actually spoke and looked at me.

Before I could get anywhere though, he had grabbed hold of my arm and dragged me through the threshold of the front door and slammed it behind me. He rested against the wall opposite and waited for me to speak.

Wasn't he even going to invite me in? To sit down?

He motioned for me to speak, but I ignored him and walked away from him, heading to the lounge.

He grabbed hold of my arm, stopping me and snapping at me. "I didn't invite you in here to chat, Bella. You can tell me here or leave."

I ignored him and infuriated him as I fought my arm out of his grasp and proceeded to push through the door of the lounge.

_Holy shit._

This was the reason he didn't want me in here. The place was a mess. It looked like a bomb had hit it. And I don't just mean it looked like the typical messy room of a teenager. It looked like a real bomb had hit it.

The bar stools from the breakfast counter lay on their sides on the floor, broken records and cd's, broken frames. Shattered photos of the both of us together. Washing was everywhere. So was takeaway cartons and countless mugs, glasses and beer cans. On the coffee table lay an empty vodka bottle with a glass by it holding dregs in the bottom.

Edward tried to stop me from going any further in but his attempts were weak. I walked past the breakfast counter that separated the kitchen and the lounge and turning that corner I was met with smashed plates. Not just smashed plates though. The full crockery set I had bough for Edward was purposely wrecked on the floor of the kitchen. It was as if he had pulled them from the cupboards and dropped them onto the floor with force. It wasn't a doubt in my mind, it was on purpose. He wanted all of me gone.

I looked back at him and his head was bowed down, his eyes cast to the floor.

_He hated me that much. He really did. _

My hands caught my mouth as I tried to hold in my sob.

_He hated me so much._

I felt faint at seeing it all. All that I had caused.

My eyes filled with tears, blinding me from the mess for a moment.

What was the rest of the apartment like?

Without a thought or hesitation, I pushed past Edward, him no doubt thinking I was fleeing from he apartment, and raced to our bedroom.

Swinging the door open, it was stinking. It honestly was. More dirty laundry, food, beer cans, mugs. It didn't look to different to the lounge.

"Bella, get the hell out of my room," He yelled. Once again he reached to grab me but I pulled away from him,

Making my way to the window, I threw it open as far as it would go, letting the stale air change.

Our bed had no covers on it either. The duvet was bare and a covers sat in a pile in the corner of the room. Clearly they had never been washed.

Now it was my turn for the shouting and the grabbing. Reaching for his arm, I pulled on it and dragged him back thought the apartment. _I didn't even want to see the bathroom. _

In the lounge I let go of him and reached for the bottle of vodka. "Is this how you have been living your life?" I snapped at him. "You should know better than anyone." I yelled at him as I placed the bottle back down.

He ignored me and proceeded with his own questions. "What's going on with Alice?" He asked. It was the pretence on how I got in here in the first place.

"Alice?" I snapped. "Alice is worried about you and though I should try speaking to you. She says you don't go to see your parents and she has no idea of anything concerning you. Do you know how worried everyone is?" I snapped as he turned away from me, ignoring me.

Brushing away dirty laundry off of the couch, I took a seat. The place was a tip. No wonder he wasn't wanting me in here. What had happened to him?

"Edward, please sit down and talk to me." I patted the space next to me but his back was still towards me. My eyes drifted around the floor at my feet and I reached for a broken frame that held a picture of the both of us. It had been taken at Rosalie and Emmett's wedding. The smile on both of our faces were wide. I remembered the moment and being genuinely happy then. I also remembered Rosalie's words that night and how quickly they had sent me crashing. The next again day I had tried to kill myself and of course Edward had shown up right on time to stop me.

I hated him them, but now I could only think him. I really hadn't been in my own mind to decide something like that. I was so confused and mixed up and weak. I loved Edward but my own misery wasn't enough to keep myself alive for him them.

Now we were in a different time and place and seeing how much things had changed, I was scared. I was scared for Edward because looking at him now, he wasn't the same strong man a knew back then. He reminded me a little of the old me. Someone who was struggling with there emotions.

"Edward, please sit down and just listen to what I have to say," I whispered out, the emotion catching in my throat.

Slowly, he did as I asked of him but he kept his eyes away from me.

"Charlie said that he saw you at the weekend," I started but stopped as I saw Edward expression change.

"I never saw Charlie," he snapped as his brows furrowed in concentration. Could he not remember seeing Charlie at all?

"Yes you did. Out side the bar," I prompted him a little. His head swung round, his eyes meeting mine silently asking if I was being serious. "You don't remember?" I asked but I didn't need the answer.

He turned away from me again and I could see him trying to recall the event. "Wait – yes. I did see him... I think," He sighed and let his face fall into his hands.

"What happened?" I asked meaning about what happened to it all, us, the past, where was the moment he stopped loving me?

"Everything," he croaked out. "You, me, you cheating-"

"I never cheated on you." I practically growled at him. I hadn't. "James kissed me. I didn't want him. I only ever wanted you but I was stupid and got myself into a really stupid situation – which I paid of by the whole town thinking I'm a fucking addict." I shouted. The Gossip over that day was rife. Me being pulled out in my bra didn't help matters and the majority of the town was now in believe that I was just some tramp who had cheated as well as got high. Like I said, it's a small town. Gossip is rife and almost always wrong.

"I tried to be everything for you but it wasn't enough. You still screwed me over." He mumbled as his gaze fixated onto something in the distance.

He was right though, he had tried to be everything for me, everything but my boyfriend. Sure we made love and all the things that goes with being a couple, but he never talked to me. He held everything deep down inside of him.

"I made a mistake. I had a bad day and I slipped into bad habits. Even Aro was understanding about it," I threw that at him just because I could. "I was worried about you. You never spoke to me about anything and so I didn't want to worry you with other stupid squabbles. You were already dealing with things. I knew you were. I don't know what – but you were."

He looked up at me and gave a small nod. Was he agreeing that I was right?

"What happened, Edward? Why did you close down on me when all you made me do was open up to you and tell you everything. Why was it a different set of rules for you?"

He shrugged and leaned back in the seat, closing his eyes. I couldn't help it, I went to him, resting my head on his lap. I needed him so much.

To my surprise, he never fought me off. Instead, his hand reached for my hair and his fingers began to comb through it.

I let my eyes close and memorised the sensation. A few moments passed in quiet harmony before I spoke again. "I still love you, you know? I never stopped."

And with my words, the peace was shattered. He pushed me up off of him and stood up, pacing to the other side of the room, kicking another broken frame that lay on the floor. It was a picture of myself and I was sure he only acted out what he wanted to do to me. It scared me a little but I knew he would never hurt me.

I spoke again. "I'm leaving Forks... I'm going to Seattle and moving in with Alice," He spun around on his feet, eyeing me.

"No you're not," he spat. "You stay away from her, hear me?" he spat.

I let out a small dry laugh "No Edward, I _don't_ hear you. I'm moving in with Alice and your parents are all for it too. I'm going to college there," I shrugged as I crossed my arms,

"You're going to college in Port Angalies," he reminded me.

I shook my head. "And live in Forks? I don't think so. I'm done with this place. There is nothing here for me anymore." I argued.

"What about your father? What about Jake?" Edward was trying to get me to stay here for Jake? This was even more surreal than Charlie encouraging me to see Edward.

"They have their own lives, Edward. Jake is excited about college and he's seeing some new girl from the rezzy. I hardly see him these days anyway. And my dad... he likes it here. He has his job and Billy. That's who he is." I protested.

"And you think he wants you to go and leave him?" Jesus, what is it with the guilt trips?

"No he doesn't want me to leave. He doesn't want me to leave because of you though. He's hopeful and... well... after tonight... I'm going to be realistic. I've sat home and done everything that was wanted of me. I've been good... I've waited,"

"You can't go and live with Alice in Seattle with no rights. Charlie cant seriously expect Alice to care for you the way I tried to care for you," he was calmer now but I could hear sorrow and anger laced in there somewhere too.

"I have my rights back. Aro thought I had done well after our break up and that I proved myself." I shrugged.

He laughed bitterly at that one. "We'll I guess life is just grand for you," his eyes burned into mine and I didn't want to ever leave this place, this apartment. Edward was hurt but I wanted to take all that away and for us to be in our own little bubble all over again.

I shook my head and let my eyes fall to my lap, "I'd give it all back if it meant that you would love me and want me," I whispered out, a little embarrassed at my words that he would be ready to mock.

Slowly he made his way back to me on the couch and sat down. "It's not that I don't love you," He sighed and I was sure there was more he wanted to say, but wouldn't.

"I know what I did was wrong, but was it that wrong that you won't forgive me?" The tears were back and I let them fall as I sat there.

"I need you out my life, Bella. I don't want this anymore and I guess I can't stop you when it comes to Alice... but you drag my sister down and I swear I'll make it my business." He looked angry, mad and also so completely sad.

"Do you think that I dragged you down? Is that why you won't forgive me?" I asked needing to know if he thought that I had ruined his life because of how I had been.

"No, you didn't drag me down. Life did that for me. I thought I was strong enough to handle it all for both of us... I guess I wasn't." he rubbed at his face. "I let both of us down, Bella. You deserve more than that," His words were so confusing. On one had it seemed like he was blaming me and on the other it seemed like he was blaming himself. The thing was, no one was really to blame here at all. We just had a bad patch. We let it get away from us.

"I love you," I begged for him to see reason, that love was all we needed, if we had that, then we could struggle through. No one had it easy. Life was a struggle at times and I had accepted that. But Edward couldn't even see it.

I remember once he told me that his life had been so easy. He sailed through med school and never worried about a thing. Maybe for the first time in Edwards life he was having to deal with something that hurt and he didn't know what to do. Life had been too easy on him and when it came to any form of struggle, he just collapsed under the pressure.

Was that the case? Had he really had it so easy in life that he couldn't cope with the first real hurdle that had been thrown at us as a couple?

Reaching for his face, he let me touch him. I stroked the apple of his cheek as he closed his eyes, embracing my hand.

"I love you," I whispered out again. I needed him to know that. I needed him not to doubt me.

His eyes opened and instead of a stony glare, I was met with soft jaded jade eyes that looked so tired.

He reached forward and his lips met mine. It was chaste and brief, but it was Edwards lips. The last person to kiss me on the mouth had been James. I was glad I could now say it was Edward.

Our noses touched as we looked at one another and once again, Edward leaned in to kiss me again. This time there was more to it. His lips pressed against mine and our mouths parted. Tongues exchanged and hands reached for hair.

I felt myself being pushed back as our kiss deepened more and more and I parted my legs so that Edward could rest in-between me. His hands reached below my top as he gripped onto my waist pulling me further into him.

I wanted him so badly. I was ready for him. I had been needing this for three months. I had needed this from Edward the very moment I had crossed into James's apartment. I needed to be forgiven for my mistake and for him to show me that he still wanted me and that nothing else mattered as long as we had one another at the end of the day.

My hands reached for his shirt and I pulled it off of him smelling the sweat on it despite it drying into the material. His body was still warm though. His chest a little sticky from whatever he had been doing. My guess was that he had been running.

My fingers danced along the damp skin and through the small amount of chest hair. I had so much want in me, I didn't care if he was sweaty, I reached forward and kissed him, kissed his chest.

Is right hand let go of my waist and reached for my hair, tugging my head back roughly allowing him to reach my mouth and kissing me again.

It was needy. Everything about it. Our actions, our desire.

He practically tore my shirt off of me and we both fought to get my thermal off of me too. I needed skin on skin.

I crashed back onto the couch and ignored the mess surrounding us. I needed this, we needed this to show one another what it all meant. That we were still meant to be together.

Edwards long fingers played around with the button of my jeans before releasing it and tugging them down along with my underwear.

Before he could get them past my knees though, his mouth was on me. My narrow parting made the touch of his tongue torcher on me. I wanted to widen my legs and for him to have all of me. This was teasing. I needed more. His tongue still continued though as he ran the top of it up and down my centre, pushing his face in deep to reach as far as he possibly could with our restrictions.

My hand reached down to his head and though I loved the sensation of his wild red hair in my hand, I was actually pushing him on, trying to show how exactly what he did to me.

His fingers gripped in deep to the backs of my thighs and I thought I was going to explode. I let out a moan and for a brief second, I saw that eased grin pull across Edwards mouth as he quickly looked up at me at my sounds.

He was taking me back. He still wanted me and he wanted this.

The teasing of his tongue was too much. I needed him inside of me. It had been too long. I reached for him, tugging roughly at his under arm to motion him towards me. His sparking gaze looked up at me and he moved up towards me when he saw that it was him that I was wanting. His chest lay against mine, with my bra being the only barrier between us.

Reaching down he grabbed hold of my ass, hard, pulling me against his erection. God he was so hard, I could feel it move around with ease in the loose material of his sweats.

He was kissing me as if his life were depending on it. He was frenzied, deep and full of passion.

I didn't want to have to ask him to have me already, but my need was too much. Pulling away from his mouth I demanded it from him. "God, Edward... I'm ready, come on already. I need you it's been too long."

His eyes softened and he purposefully looked deep into my eyes. "Are you sure?" What the hell was he asking that for? Wasn't it apparent that all I wanted was to have him again. Were my words not enough.

"Yes," I practically hissed out in desperation. I began to toe my snaeaker, trying to pull them off so I could lose my jeans. I was not going in to that bedroom like that but I would have him on the couch.

"Once more and I that's it," he mumbled.

_What? What did he just say?_

"What did you just say?" I asked as I stopped the unsuccessful removal of my sneakers.

"I said once more and that's it." He looked deep into my eyes. "After this, we both walk away," My heart stopped and suddenly I felt ridiculous in my desire for this man, this man who didn't want me anymore.

I swallowed thickly as I pushed him up off of me at sat there for a moment, lost in though. He didn't want me. He was getting his cheap thrill and kicking me away.

The only man in the world that I never thought who would have used me for some quick fun was doing exactly that.

I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

I looked up at Edward and he was sitting beside me, watching me. He looked worried. Like he actually cared._ Who was he trying to kid?_

"You don't want me?" I asked feeling totally ashamed.

"I do... I thought it was just going to be one-"

"No. You don't want me. You don't want me in your life. This..." I motioned to the couch," This was all just thoughtless fucking to you?" He cringed at my tone and my words. "How could you do that to me?" I shouted "I thought you wanted me back. I thought you had forgave me," I was not going to cry.

"Bella, I forgave you. I did. But... things changed-"

I interrupted him "Because you shut down," I yelled "You stopped talking to me. I'd like to say that it was only the important things you stopped talking to me about, but it wasn't... when was the last time we had any real conversation?" I argued as I stood up, covering myself up. I was so embarrassed.

"The night before," He shouted. He was talking about the night before I had went to James. "We talked about how you were feeling with your moms birthday, what you wanted to do for it. We had a conversation."

"No we didn't," I argued. "You assessed me, looking to see if I was going to have a break down. When was the last time you spoke about yourself, how you were feeling, how work was?" I was mad. So so mad. I had became a patient to him. That's what I felt like.

He sat there dumbstruck, unable to come up with something to argue that I was wrong. But he couldn't think of anything to make me wrong, because I was right.

"You... I don't know what happened," I tried to find the words. "You just closed down. I tried and tried... but I got nothing back." I reached for my thermal, pulling it over my head and covered myself up.

"Why didn't you talk to me? Didn't you think I could handle it?" I asked seriously. "You were – are struggling with something and you wont talk to anyone. Look at this place," I motioned to the room. "Its a pig sty. Don't think that I haven't noticed all the empties too. And my dad saw you out at the weekend, drunk." I collapsed down onto my knees. "What are you trying to block out? What are you trying to forget?" I pushed, desperate for him to admit anything to me.

He looked away from me and I wasn't going to force him to look at me. Honestly I was just so angry that I had let him near me when all he wanted to to was to screw me over.

_That really hurt me._

"It was only sex. Goodbye sex," he shrugged. He was miserable though I could see it. It rang out loud in his tone of voice. "I thought you'd be up for it," he spat flatly, his self defence of everything going up. I slapped him hard across the face for that comment. He wanted to hurt me and he wanted me gone. I knew he still didn't really forgive me for whatever had went wrong, be it James or the whole damn relationship.

Me being here wasn't doing anything. I didn't even know if he wanted me here or not.

Charlie had made me feel so guilty, that Edward hadn't gave up on me but I had also had Charlie and Jake. My family may have been small but with the three of them there, exposed to the truth, they had all put me together again.

I couldn't do anything for Edward on my own. I needed more. I just wasn't strong enough and I wasn't ashamed to admit it.

Taking my last look at Edward, I left him in his filth, in his truth.

When I got home I stormed past Charlie and the look on my face was enough for him to know to keep back. His concern would have to wait. I had something important to do first. I had to call Alice.

Getting her on the phone, she listened to me and asked questions about everything. I explained it all. About the mess of his apartment, what happened, what was said. I told her about us almost sleeping together. I knew it was late and that it was a lot for me to give to her, but I had too. I had to get it of my chest and I needed to know that come morning, his family was going to know everything and that they could begin to try to help Edward because right now he was sinking, and he was sinking fast.

* * *

In bed at three in the morning I couldn't sleep. My mind raced with all I had seen and everything that had been said. I worried if I had done the right thing by telling Alice. I worried about Edward and how he was coping. I worried that he was okay. I wondered if he was able to sleep and I wondered if he knew what was going to happen come morning.

Little did know that at the exact same time I was in bed worried about Edward being alone, that he was in fact safe with his family.

Alice had driven up with Jasper almost the moment I had put my phone down to her. She called Emmett and Rosalie and told them that they had to be at the house for when she arrived in Forks – at a little before one o'clock in the morning.

By two o'clock, they had used the spare key to the apartment to force their way in to Edwards apartment, all to find him drunk, a mess and pretty much in the same spot where I had left him.

* * *

**_Leave a little love please_**


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